Comments on: Building trust in a relationship http://www.stephenhedger.com/building-trust-in-a-relationship Relationship Advice & Guidance Wed, 02 Nov 2011 11:35:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: Stephen Hedger http://www.stephenhedger.com/building-trust-in-a-relationship/comment-page-1#comment-109 Stephen Hedger Sun, 11 Jul 2010 08:07:29 +0000 http://www.stephenhedger.com/?p=594#comment-109 Dear Sharon Thank you for your request I have sent you my response by email to you. I think that Sharon brings up some important issues that affect many couple today so I have posted my response to this comment <a href="http://www.stephenhedger.com/relationships/how-can-i-survive-the-affair/" rel="nofollow"><u>here</u></a> Dear Sharon

Thank you for your request I have sent you my response by email to you.

I think that Sharon brings up some important issues that affect many couple today so I have posted my response to this comment here

]]> By: Sharon http://www.stephenhedger.com/building-trust-in-a-relationship/comment-page-1#comment-106 Sharon Fri, 09 Jul 2010 09:53:00 +0000 http://www.stephenhedger.com/?p=594#comment-106 I have been with my fiancé for 14 years now. 4 years ago he had an emotional affair. We decided to try and rebuild our relationship as we both accepted that we had made little effort in the preceding months. However since then I have found it almost impossible to trust him again. He continues to keep secrets from me and these secrets always involve a text "friendship" with a younger woman. I have frequently told him how this makes me feel (as this is how the affair started) but he is adamant that he has done nothing wrong; my view is that if there was nothing to these texts he wouldn't feel the need to delete all evidence from his phone. He regularly promises to stop texting these women but it rarely lasts and I have started obsessively checking his phone and phone bills again. I know my behaviour doesn't help but I was completely taken by surprise when he cheated on me and I can't help but think that the only way to avoid that sucker punch again is to be vigilant. Lately our relationship has started to deteriorate significantly, our sex-life is non-existent because the lack of trust and ever increasing frustration and anger I feel at these continuous lies gets in the way. Recently things have come to a head, neither of us is happy although we love each other very much. I just feel worn out and want to stop feeling the way I do - even if that means ending the relationship. I simply cannot contemplate feeling this way for the rest of my life. The thought of being without him makes me feel ill, I really don't think I could love anyone else as much but I'm at the end of my tether and just don't feel strong enough to really fight for our relationship. Help. I have been with my fiancé for 14 years now. 4 years ago he had an emotional affair. We decided to try and rebuild our relationship as we both accepted that we had made little effort in the preceding months. However since then I have found it almost impossible to trust him again. He continues to keep secrets from me and these secrets always involve a text “friendship” with a younger woman. I have frequently told him how this makes me feel (as this is how the affair started) but he is adamant that he has done nothing wrong; my view is that if there was nothing to these texts he wouldn’t feel the need to delete all evidence from his phone. He regularly promises to stop texting these women but it rarely lasts and I have started obsessively checking his phone and phone bills again. I know my behaviour doesn’t help but I was completely taken by surprise when he cheated on me and I can’t help but think that the only way to avoid that sucker punch again is to be vigilant.
Lately our relationship has started to deteriorate significantly, our sex-life is non-existent because the lack of trust and ever increasing frustration and anger I feel at these continuous lies gets in the way. Recently things have come to a head, neither of us is happy although we love each other very much. I just feel worn out and want to stop feeling the way I do – even if that means ending the relationship. I simply cannot contemplate feeling this way for the rest of my life.
The thought of being without him makes me feel ill, I really don’t think I could love anyone else as much but I’m at the end of my tether and just don’t feel strong enough to really fight for our relationship. Help.

]]> By: Stephen Hedger http://www.stephenhedger.com/building-trust-in-a-relationship/comment-page-1#comment-9 Stephen Hedger Thu, 18 Feb 2010 08:52:33 +0000 http://www.stephenhedger.com/?p=594#comment-9 Thank you Ashanti The best way to start to sort out any problem is to start by finding something you can both agree on. Maybe that starting point is that you don't trust each other, this could be your point of agreement. In your case this lack of trust is affecting your behaviour and so it is very likely to be fuelling more bad feelings. It's far too easy to jump to conclusions about what the other is thinking and then make them responsible for your assumptions. Many relationship fail due to this very issue. You know what you have both been doing so far is not working, so a change is necessary. Arrange a time to talk to him and be 100% honest about why you feel the way you do in certain situations. Let him know that you understand why he left, and that for this relationship to work you understand that changes need to happen. Only the two of you can discover what those changes need to be, but honesty and respect is critical regardless of the outcome. A lot of what you are feeling could be down to a lack of security and all you need is reassurance. If this is true in your case be honest and let your partner know exactly what you need. Remember partners are not mind readers and so help them to understand your needs. Thank you Ashanti

The best way to start to sort out any problem is to start by finding something you can both agree on. Maybe that starting point is that you don’t trust each other, this could be your point of agreement.

In your case this lack of trust is affecting your behaviour and so it is very likely to be fuelling more bad feelings. It’s far too easy to jump to conclusions about what the other is thinking and then make them responsible for your assumptions. Many relationship fail due to this very issue.

You know what you have both been doing so far is not working, so a change is necessary.

Arrange a time to talk to him and be 100% honest about why you feel the way you do in certain situations. Let him know that you understand why he left, and that for this relationship to work you understand that changes need to happen.

Only the two of you can discover what those changes need to be, but honesty and respect is critical regardless of the outcome.

A lot of what you are feeling could be down to a lack of security and all you need is reassurance. If this is true in your case be honest and let your partner know exactly what you need.

Remember partners are not mind readers and so help them to understand your needs.

]]> By: ashanti http://www.stephenhedger.com/building-trust-in-a-relationship/comment-page-1#comment-8 ashanti Thu, 18 Feb 2010 05:05:53 +0000 http://www.stephenhedger.com/?p=594#comment-8 i have been in a realationship with a man for 7yrs. and we have a lot of trust issues with each other. we have some communication issues. we sometimes try to think for each other and that causes problems. my attitude is an issue but because of the trust factor i feel attitude would be ok. we see somethings differently and sometimes that causes problems.I know that we love each other but i want us to be able to get through this so we can get married .over 7yrs its hard to explain everything but i know i want to work things he has moved out and hasnt came back becauseof my attitude but my attitude over trust over his kids mother please help me! i have been in a realationship with a man for 7yrs. and we have a lot of trust issues with each other. we have some communication issues. we sometimes try to think for each other and that causes problems. my attitude is an issue but because of the trust factor i feel attitude would be ok. we see somethings differently and sometimes that causes problems.I know that we love each other but i want us to be able to get through this so we can get married .over 7yrs its hard to explain everything but i know i want to work things he has moved out and hasnt came back becauseof my attitude but my attitude over trust over his kids mother please help me!

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