Are you trying to change your husband?

In this case I don’t mean for a different one, what I mean is do you find yourself trying to control him (to be your version of better man) because he doesn’t do what you think he should do?

If you do try to help him to be your version of better man. If this is your goal have you noticed that he is naturally turning into the man you wanted, or are you finding the he is becoming more detached and uncaring?

Has not trusting him to get the promotion, drive the way you do, look after the kids the way you do, has any of those types of behaviours turned him into the man you can look up to?

OR…

Has he become just one of the children for you just another person to look after? Do you find he no longer attractive to you and do you wish he would just man up?

This challenge is widespread where the woman loses trust in her husband and so moves to control him. She will wrap her controlling up as for the good of the family, the children, but is it for the good of him from his perspective?

For men they value freedom and pleasing her the most. If he starts to see he can’t please her and he starts to feel trapped he will either leave the relationship or become so beaten up emotionally he stays as a shadow of his former self.

What interesting with couples that find themselves in this place is they didn’t start this way and so as she starts to want to help him to be better what she hasn’t noticed is she is the one that is changing.

She is changing in reaction to a fear which is trying to protect her, but as with all fears the more they become your focus the faster the fear comes true.

The fear in this case is going to surround the word trust, if she would just trust him to do what he thinks is right the chances of the essence of the man she met reappearing is going to be really high.

The moral of this story is if you treat a man like a boy, expect him to become a boy in your relationship. Also expect him to crave being seen as a man and like it when others do see him that way.

Controlling, being critical, nagging, not trusting him to get it right will only kill the essence of what made the relationship great.

Most couples in reaction to their fears will change and not for the better. The key to success is to learn how to make changes that will grow the relationship and each other.

So you should never try to control you partner, but you can control you. So imagine if two people learnt how to stop living in reaction and took responsibility for being the best they could be for each other.

Not only do the fears go, but all that was great comes back.

It’s also critical to know that you can’t control love and passion and trying to kills both, so before you act think what outcome am I after? 

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.