Why Do Men Cheat?

One of my clients runs a blog and she has asked this question: Why do men cheat?

Yes of course she is very aware that women cheat too, but I thought I would shed some light from my perspective as I see this every week in my sessions.

  • To make my position crystal clear: There are never any circumstances where having an affair is the right thing to do.

However the ability to judge those that do is impossible, because there are so many reasons why people do it. The assumption is the person having the affair is a dreadful person, it’s not alway as cut and dried as you would think.

My biggest message to all couples is this: [Read more...]

Affairs & Why They Happen

When either a man or a woman in a relationship embarks on an affair the reasons are because they believe or feel that their needs are not being met in the relationship.

There is never a good reason for an affair, because if the relationship has problems then the couple needs to address their problems. The answers to their problems are never outside the relationship and the pain affair causes is never worth the perceived pleasure it brings.

The problem is, the emotions that drive affairs are never rational and so affairs will keep happening.

Most assume these needs are sex, but very often it runs far deeper than that, other critical factors to those individuals are driving them to act.

What causes an affair

To start with those that have affairs may not  feel good about themselves, or something, and have attached those feelings to their current relationship. So whatever they are missing they will start to search elsewhere to have those feelings met.

They might not feel significant to their partner and an affair will make that person feel important at that moment. They may not feel secure in their current relationship and so an affair helps them to forget their problems and gives them artificial pockets of security.

They may not feel loved or they could be missing excitement as their own relationship becomes boring.

Or maybe it is as simple as their relationship is lacking the type of passion they want, they either can’t get want they want from their partner or are afraid to ask for it.

If years of feeling this way is added to a relationship that has stopped growing then that relationship will struggle to compete with the excitement of an affair.

It’s true that men are more likely to stray than women because

  1. They are designed to impregnate many women through instinct.
  2. Their minds are built differently to women’s and so the connect between love and sex is not the same as for women.

This is why in affairs women are most likely to break off an affair because they cannot see an emotional future where the man will be happy with just sex.

She will ask

When a woman is a victim of an affair one of her big questions will be, “do you love her?” this is because from a woman’s perspective she is designed to see love and sex as, one of the same, or at least directly connected together.

The man will say about his affair “it meant nothing” when he says this he is telling the truth, because for him love and sex are separate.

In contrast if a woman has an affair and says “…it meant nothing” then because she is designed to see that connection as more than sex then she will not be telling the whole truth.

What’s important is, if you are thinking of having an affair or you are the victim, know that it’s the missing needs in your relationship is what’s driving the affair to happen.

Look after your relationships and do all you can to understand how they work and more than that what you have to do to ensure your relationship stays safe.

Coping After An Affair

Coping with an affairAffairs are probably one of the areas of relationships that have proven to impact individuals the greatest.

The impact of an affair is potentially huge on so many people and can literally rip families apart.

People feel betrayed, full of resentment, some wanting revenge, on all levels the emotional response is very high.

It is very rare for people to set out to have an affair.

Affairs can happen for many reasons, my experience in couples counselling have been that affairs have happened due to the person who had the affair feeling that they were missing something in their lives and they believe the new person will fulfil that need.

This is in most cases a costly perception because whilst a few needs did get fulfilled many other critical needs become pushed to one side. In the excitement the cost can be ignored.

This cost is then discovered too late and when the damage has been done.

To start on the road to recovery after an affair both parties must be given the room to air honest feelings, create new boundaries and share what they believe caused the affair.

What starts off a seemingly simple quest for lust, can easily unravel far deeper issues in the individuals and the relationship.

It is for this reason that before a decision about the future of the relationship is decided, understanding is a key part of that process.

  • You may decide that despite what you know the relationship has to end, but you want accelerated healing to get on with your life.
  • You made feel that you would like to try to rebuild your relationship and are willing to embark on a relationship building program.

Every situation is different and what you want is individual and personal to you.

Can the relationship survive?

Understanding what caused the affair is a first step to building a stronger relationship. Very often relationships that do survive this destructive event, and understand why it happened do go on to be more in tune with each others needs.

If an affair has affected your relationship and you would
like support please contact Stephen Hedger today