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Is Changing Him a Good Idea?

February 4, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Some women are asking their men to be more sensitive, to share their thoughts, emotions, worries and to become more vulnerable. They want this because they see this as the solution to their relationship problems.

The reason this desire for men to connect emotionally from women is because the women feel that their men are detached from their inner emotions. They know that their partners don’t understand them, because they struggle to be understood.

Women try so hard to be understood, but become frustrated when they know they are not. Not being understood from a female perspective can feel fearful and lonely. In this place her security that the relationship is going to be the way she wants, it is challenged.

Men at this point feel nagged, criticised, put down as she tries to get through to him… [Read more...]

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Why is our Relationship Failing

January 22, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

This is important to know…

After years of working with couples some interesting behaviours emerge from the couples as certain understandings start to emerge for them.

When a couple are in crisis what happens is they turn up to sessions full of fear.

Some are fearful because their future has disappeared. Some are fearful because of what they have done. Some fear that there is something wrong with them and it will come out in the session.

What’s really interesting is how these fears start to fade as the sessions progress and they start to change their outlook and what they want.

You see the couple start to feel much happier as soon as they start to understand WHY!

Why are we in this mess?

  • Why did he/she have an affair?
  • Why did our sex life disappear?
  • Why do we argue so much yet we love each other?
  • Why do I become so possessive?
  • Why am I depressed?
  • Why is he so stressed?

Once the individuals understand WHY then they start to relax and feel better. What many people do is try to make their own thoughts fit what’s happened and it’s very easy to be wrong and make the wrong decision, hurting themselves and each other.

Even if they turned up to sessions passionately wanting the relationship to work and clearly discovering that not going to happen. As long as they know WHY they feel they can deal with anything.

What’s great about this new internal state of a calmer self is if the relationship can be saved it is far more likely with this new understanding.

The couple now know what’s happened and their part in the process of destruction. What’s great about this is the couple can clearly see what has to change and this time they are in control.

Understanding why and taking control has a huge impact on the individuals and the dynamics in the couple to move from destruction to growth.

This can happen fast, I have seen many couple shift really fast once they create this new understanding of…

…your relationship has failed because…

This is why I believe that relationship education is a critical component in the process of helping couples rebuild their relationships. Most couple through no fault of their own are in terrible trouble, and they don’t know WHY!

This brings heightened emotions and fears what’s important to know is it doesn’t have to be this way.

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Do The Differences Between Men & Women Impact The Outcome of Their Relationship?

January 15, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

This is an important post because it’s about the foundation of our relationships. Without this knowledge our relationships can suffer as love and passion get replaced with loneliness’, fear, resentment, lack of respect to name a few…

Each of us has within us a masculine and feminine side to our personalities. When you consider those couples you know, you will probably see a good mix of traits which contradict what we think is normal. For example: Some women are very masculine and some men very feminine.

Our attraction to each other is based on these differences. What’s important is these differences work for that couple not just when they first meet, but throughout their relationship. If the couple lose these differences this can have significant effects on the happiness of the couple.

You can see this clearly when people attracted to each other first meet. They will be displaying without knowing the desire to display their differences so certain behaviours will become exaggerated.

For example: For men their voices become lower, whilst women’s voices become higher. Men try to look bigger whilst women are trying to look smaller.

Women will walk swaying their hips whilst men walk straight and strong.

These are just a few of the many traits that couples display early in the attraction process.

If the couple start to lose their differences then the relationship changes as they start to feel different with each other. This results in a focus of what’s wrong in the relationship. This focus magnifies the problem and the couple start to have cause for concern.

This process doesn’t happen overnight, but slowly the couple can start to notice problems appearing, maybe fighting, lack of desire to spend time together, work, friends hobbies becoming more important than the relationship.

As this happens a shift in the relationship starts to make it feel that you now have real problems as you can no longer trust your partner to help you create a future that looks exciting and safe in the way you want it.

In most couples what’s really happening is the female in the relationship is becoming stronger to cope with behaviours in him which stop her from feeling safe. She may feel she is not heard or understood. He usually misunderstands her words and reacts in ways which destroy their trust even further.

It gets to the point where lack of respect becomes the model by which the couple live by.

The result is the differences that attracted the couple are now in reverse of what worked.

The man has become weaker in the eyes of the woman, some complain with words like… “…it’s like have another child…”, or “…I don’t want to be his mum!”.

This perspective does not help her to feel safe with him, and the desire to be intimate is significantly decreased.

The man is likely to feel that he has given her everything and she is impossible to please, she has either become too aggressive or shut down not letting him in.

The result is, to keep herself safe the woman, has to become more masculine to cope with him and he has become weaker knowing he can’t please her.

The result is both will go to the outside world to reconnect with their needs.

The relationship stops being the source of their happiness and starts to die.

This ping-pong effect which creates fears through a lack of understanding of each others needs can be reversed with new understanding.

So the question now is this: Is it possible after years of problems to correct this. The answer is yes if you both really want to. Even if one person is certain it’s over, a new understanding can shift the foundations of their belief to a new one of hope.

I hope for you this has been helpful? You may have many questions as this is a complex area for couples and usually takes a good two hours to explain in the context of your situation. The changes can be dramatic when you both understand this…

Who knows this post maybe enough to help you…

If this has struck a chord with you please get in touch today, or leave a comment below…

Filed Under: Couples coaching Tagged With: ,

I Spend A Lot Of Time Helping Men Become More Confident Partners

December 16, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

To be honest men are confused with their relationships and it’s not difficult to understand why, from his perspective she doesn’t make sense at all. So my job is to help the men with understanding her so he can be successful with her again.

Typical questions from men?

  • She wants equality in the relationship, but she wants to be treated like a lady?
  • She wants security in the relationship, but the money I make doesn’t make her feel secure with me?
  • She disrespects me in arguments and says awful things, but she tells me what she really wants is love. How do you love someone who’s screaming at you?
  • I tell her I love her, but weeks later she wants to hear it again, does she not believe me?
  • When she talks to me I try to fix her problems, but all she gets is crosser.
  • The more I try to please her, the more irritated she becomes.
  • Whatever I do never seems to make her happy.
  • She seems to be getting so tough and distant I keep out of her way.
  • I buy her loads of presents, but nothing cheers her up.

These are just a few perspectives I get from men.

All of these questions have very easy answers, but from a mans perspective it feels impossible, he will feel like he has tried everything and failed.

Why because men and women think totally differently, the differences are very real and through this lack of understanding massive problems can come out of confusion.

The truth is he has only tried what he knows and there is a lot he is not aware of. Being female being one of them.

It is this simple knowledge and new perspective of understanding each other differently that builds confidence that he can be successful with her again.

This is one of the keys to why I can be so successful with couple so quickly.

Lack of understanding creates fears and the fears destroy the relationships.

Of course this is not a one way street, women need to understand their men too and women are equally confused.

  • If you love each other and want fast answers then get in touch today! Click here
Filed Under: Communication Problems, Confidence Coaching, Couples coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Behaviours Most Likely To Cause Relationship Problems

December 13, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

I have put together a list of some of the behaviours I see and hear that are likely to cause relationship problems. Yes I did run this list yesterday, but it’s so important to understand. I know some of you missed it!

    1. Couples tell me that love is important all the time, yet when challenged their love is clearly conditional. “I won’t give love unless…they do, or I feel safe, or I feel important, or I feel respected… the list goes on!”
    2. If I give to my partner, what will I get in return? If anyone gives to get, they are trading for what they want and this is guaranteed to kill their sex life dead!
    3. Couples think punishing each other works? Yet it never occurs to them that whenever they are punished they don’t feel more love, so they are killing the relationship bit-by-bit.
    4. Couples don’t create a plan or a direction for their lives together past having children. They then become fearful because of the relationship because it’s going no-where. [Read more...]
Filed Under: Couples coaching, Relationship problems Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Depression: Is Your Relationship The Cause?

December 10, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

You and your partner are designed by nature to act and work together in a certain way hence the term chemistry usually associated with the automatic feelings a couple experiences when they first meet.

When you first met this is likely to be the reactions you had to each other. You both felt great, and it took little effort, those amazing feelings were automatic. When you were with your partner you felt great about you.

These automatic feelings are proof of natures’ power of attraction in action. It created chemical reactions in you both to feel an intense attraction to each other.

When you feel this way, the drive towards intimacy is very powerful. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Couples coaching, Depression Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

FEARS: The Single Most Destructive Element In Relationships.

December 7, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Fears change people, fears help people behave in ways that contradict how they would behave if the fear was not present. In fact fears help people act in ways which are the total opposite of who they really are at core. A kind loving gentle person can act the total opposite when a fear gets triggered.

It’s like they have totally changed, almost like they are not the same person.

When couples are going through relationship problems what they both experience is the fear version of their partner at play. It can feel like their partner has totally changed from the person you know and love. If the fear happening to you and is strong enough, it can feel like you feel different, almost disconnected in some way. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Couples coaching, Fears Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Why Are You Putting Up With This?

December 6, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If your relationship is going wrong, why are you putting up with this? How long does this have to go on before you take action? Six more months? A year? How about 5 years, how will your life look if you don’t do something by then. We only get one life and don’t you want to get more from yours. You know unless changes are created nothing will change don’t you?

  • Society says the reasons behind relationship failures are “presenting problems” such as: Lack of intimacy, stress, depression, money problems, arguments, children, loss, affairs, drink, drugs, abuse and controlling behaviours the list goes on…

These are the typical types of problems that many couples experience that bring their relationship to the brink of collapse and beyond.

If the couple decide to focus on what I call their “presenting problems”, the chances are they will go round in circles destroying the relationship bit by bit.

If the couple want to fix their relationship they have to focus on something totally different.

So when couples arrive at a session with me, my first job is to understand how their presenting problems are affecting the individuals. Then I need to understand how their individual meanings have impacted their relationship negatively.

Once I understand how the couple are experiencing the relationship then I take the focus off the presenting problems and move the focus to the real issues that have sat hidden in the relationship and are the main cause of their problems.

You see if you try to fix the presenting problems all you will do is mask the reasons the issue is in the relationship so it will happen again. For example if we didn’t fix the reason he had an affair the chances of him having an affair again are high. Or if the reason she became depressed wasn’t understood then she would stay depressed or become worse.

The source of why their problems exist has to be the goal for any couple to understand.

The chances of the couple understanding how to fix their source problems is very unlikely. In my sessions I help the couples understand the tools they can use at home to understand why they are experiencing their specific problems and what they can both do to fix their relationship without the need for months or years of therapy.

Most couples’ problems can be sorted really quickly.

The focus of the sessions is on Growth in all situations including conflict.

If you can both learn how to meet yours, and each-others needs consistently no matter what situation you will both feel confident, successful secure and less fearful of a future together.

This really is what it is all about.

So are you going to allow this to fester or are you going to take action? Click here

Filed Under: Couples coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Make Him Addicted To You

December 5, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Let’s face it, no matter how many times you try to speak with your husband or partner you just know he doesn’t really understand you, don’t you?

You may have tried all sorts of ways to get his attention, but it’s like he doesn’t care. So now when you look back at when you first met, it wasn’t always that way was it? Now you can’t help but feel sad, and a little fearful of what the future may look like.

Do you remember the days when you first started seeing each other? Do you remember how addicted he was to you back then?

Most women and men expect the relationship to change and the excitement to die as the years pass in their relationship. Women usually put the early drive in their partners down to a desire to have sex with them.

Whilst there is some truth in this, it is only a fraction of what drives him.

So let’s start with the basics

What you really want is for him to understanding you. For this to be possible start today, by being the example for him and really get to know him. Do not get to know him from your own perspective get to know him from his.

You see he has very different needs from you and so if you use your model of what feels good you will be getting it wrong and this could cause him frustration.

What you want is for him to feel good about himself when he is with you. He will then associate great feeling to being with you and he will feel addicted again, just like when you first met.

To understand this you need to understand what drives him in a relationship, of course all men are different, but there are some key areas which 99% of men are driven by so this is a great area to focus on.

  1. The most amazing feeling for a man is when he pleases the woman he loves. A smile on her face is like pure magic to him. What he wants and is looking for is success when she is happy he knows he is enough for her. If he starts to feel she is always unhappy with him the unbearable feeling of not being enough and being a failure can get overwhelming.
  2. Men have an overwhelming desire to fix problems and provide solutions. When he is confident he can fix her problems, or prove to her he has done a great job this makes him feel amazing about himself.
  3. Of course he loves sex too, but the above is more important. To him a sexual connecting is one of his primary ways of expressing love. Plus if she is open to intimacy with him then he must have done something right.
  4. Freedom is also a key value for men.

Now you know a few key drivers for him, the goal is for YOU to help him to feel the above as often as possible, so he can attach all his great feelings to you.

This is what you want. Punish for doing you a wrong him and he will get frustrated, shout and defend. Keep doing it he will shut down and run to where he does feel successful. Punish him too many times and he may shut down for good. [Of course couples that come for one-on-one session learn with me how to do this and grow their relationship meet both their needs at the point of conflict. BUT without that key knowledge, know that punishment doesn’t work... EVER!]

So…if he starts to feel great about himself when he is with you, he starts to create a future in his mind that equals him being successful with you, this is what he wants more than anything.

Remember: Not pleasing you is hell for him!

Now I know he is not perfect and maybe when you are feeling troubled he tries to help you by fixing stuff that does not need fixing. You get upset and he gets more frustrated. Understand firstly that his intention is good even if what he does doesn’t work.

So the answer is to help him help you.

Tell him what you need when you feel fearful or not safe. Tell him that your cross words at him are just you letting off steam and the best thing he can do is reassure you and give you love. Ask him to focus on the pain you are feeling and not the words.

You see he is conditioned to listen to every word you say and take it 100% seriously and hold on to it. Sometimes when you get really angry with him you say things you don’t mean, sadly men think you do mean those words and they take your pain and feel pain themselves, thus making it all about them. This is destructive for the relationship!

If you want your man to be addicted to you, then understand what you want him to feel when he is around you. Remember whatever he feels consistently he will attach to you so be careful.

When you stop seeing a future together get help fast!

  • The time to look for help is when one or both of you has resentment you can’t get rid of from the past and now you can’t see a future together.
    I can show you step-by-step how to put it right. Get in touch NOW!
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If Your Relationship Is Not Growing It’s Dying! The Solution is Simple…

December 1, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

When couples in trouble come to me for help, the first thing I know is whatever they have both been doing is going to be killing the relationship.

Unfortunately most couples only come for help at the point where they feel they have nothing to lose because the relationship is at the end.

My advice to all couples is, when you start to feel that the relationship is not working get help quickly. The most challenging couple to save is the one where one person is totally convinced the relationship is the wrong one. Yes I can help, but it takes longer.

At the moment any couple goes into conflict the relationship is potentially vulnerable to destruction. Because most people don’t have any kind of relationship education, destruction is sadly the path they both usually take.

What if every argument ended in a stronger love?

So my goal with couples is to help them understand their primary goal at this point of conflict. I help them understand what is going on for each other and why both people are responding in the way they are. Fundamentally men and women are very different, so they operate differently, this causes confusion fear and more problems.

Usually the couple discover that although they don’t like their partners’ reactionary behaviour they understand that their partners’ intention is usually positive.

Once the couple start to see their individual “intention” is not to hurt each other the couple are then open to understanding from a new perspective rather than judging which then leads to punishment.

You see if a couple at the point of conflict can grow then the couple can start to both feel more secure together. What I am looking for is an understanding of the primary needs that drive the individuals so I can show them how they can both meet these needs in conflict and “love” becomes the result…

…Imagine that…

This is one of the primary reasons I help so many couples so quickly. A few simple change can make such a big difference…

Don’t hesitate make contact today: Click here

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