Couples struggle to fix their problems because they try to fix the problems they are experiencing. They will go round in circles becoming confused, or resigned that their problems will never go away.

They try to fix what I call presenting problems

• So the couple who don’t feel good when they argue try to fix the arguing.
• One partner may not be able to stop spending so they focus on the spending.
• One partner works really long hours, so the hours become the focus.
• One partner keeps on about the tidiness in the house so this becomes the focus.
• If an affair happens the affair become the focus.

I can tell you now… If I focused the couple on these problems as part my solution they would never fix their problems ever!

These presenting problems are symptoms of the real problem.

Unless you know what the real problem is, the problem will remain.

One couple came to me delighted to tell me they never argued, but were confused why their sex life had ground to a halt. Their focus became their dead sex life they blamed each other, but did it by ignoring each other and so they focused on friends, children and work.

The reason their sex life was dead was because there was no energy, polarity, sexual tension or playfulness in the relationship and most of all she didn’t feel safe.  We discovered they didn’t argue because both their parents didn’t so they copied without knowing. The arguments would have created energy and passion, but it was missing. So their way of punishing each other took even more energy out of the relationship and so they died as a couple.

So she just nagged him (she had to control something her relationship was dying) and he tried to please her apologising for everything. She slowly became the man in the relationship and he became one of the children. Now he is really unattractive and he feels he has lost his masculinity he just can’t please her, so he spends more time at work to feel good, she now resents him even more.

They ended up barely friends, so their sex life was the victim of many complex challenges they were totally unaware of, if they tried to have sex it would have been a disaster so they just gave up.

Both of them had great intentions, not arguing, pleasing, but these actions destroyed their relationship every day.

They were totally unaware and so they focused on their pain i.e. their dead sex life which of course just brought them more pain.

So you see if your try to fix your presenting problems it may just be as much use as putting a sticky plaster on a broken leg.

• Do you have a problem you can’t fix? If so get in touch today.