Relationship Basics – For couples who want a life of love passion and growth

This is a basic skill without it your relationship will suffer. Anyone entering into a relationship or in a committed relationship today needs to ask this question quickly…. “how can I add value to my relationship”

In other words the question needs to be “what can I give?”

Anyone going into a relationship with the focus on “what am I going to get” will discover their relationships are problematic and their intimacy dies quickly as a result. [Read more...]

My Wife is Aggressive what do I do?

If you find yourself in this situation firstly understand there is a really good reason behind it. So understanding what to do will create a significant impact on the relationship.

There are two forms of aggression, one which is verbal the other is phyisical violence. The one we are looking at today is verbal agression only.

If your wife becomes verbally aggressive she is trying to get a message through to you. It has become more aggressive because she feels that you have not understood her and so she is escalating her message hoping you will understand. [Read more...]

Is Your Relationship Giving You What You Really Need – In The Way You Want It?

Is your relationship growing or dying? Are your needs being met in the way you want?

Of course growing would only happen through the love of wanting to understand each others needs and understand why you are stronger together than apart. Why does your future look more exciting with your partner than on your own? Maybe it doesn’t!

The focus has to be on the pleasure of an exciting life together, if what came up for you were fears, dread or that no future could be seen then maybe it’s time to explore your relationship.

At the bottom of this post there is a quick test you can ask yourself to explore what’s happening for you. [Read more...]

The pillars for relationship success

I’m sure you will agree that if the foundations of the relationship are not strong then the relationship is going to suffer.

So what are the foundations?

  • The individuals in the relationship have to understand what it takes to make themselves happy.
  • They have to understand what needs are important to them so they can communicate those needs to their partner.
  • They have to understand how their partner is different to them and learn about their needs.
  • They have to learn how to have conflict and grow from it, most people have conflict and die each time they argue. [Read more...]

How to Heal Broken Relationships

The most effective process for helping couples develop the skills to grow their relationship starts with their relationship with themselves. The couple are the foundations to the relationship and if the foundations are weak the relationship suffers.

You see if individual(s) are challenged by past events then that past will be used as one of their filters to make sense of their world. The meanings they give to their relationship will be based on that past combined with many other critical filters. Many people are not aware of these filters and how powerful they are.

Most individuals have some kind of misalignment without knowing. Society and parents teach people methods of how to destroy relationships without knowing. Individuals can come to sessions with no obvious past traumatic event, only to discover the way they experience the world is complex and unwinnable. [Read more...]

Do You Know Someone Like This?

Too many people are trying to control their outside world so they can feel good and this is really hard work. They end up feeling empty and detached from their true authentic self, some confused end up looking for reasons to blame others for how they feel.

Inside they feel that something is wrong so they need to rebalance their world, over time a behaviour is born to cope, it becomes their thing to do when life feels wrong.

What’s interesting is someone in this place will become addicted to a behaviour, but will not make the connection that the behaviour has to be repeated constantly for it to work, so it actually doesn’t work. [Read more...]

Better Relationships can only Start with a Better More Confident You!

I’m sure you will agree that if a couple wants to rebuild their relationship fear is not the best emotional state to start that growth.

Couples that have been in trouble for a while usually have two people in fear trying to fix their relationship wondering why whatever they do never works.

Understanding you is a critical part of understanding your relationship and how it works. I know when couples enter into work with me that I have to quickly help the individuals understand how they have been trying to feel good in the relationship and why it is has been counterproductive. [Read more...]

The Miracle Cure for Our Problems

We all want solutions to our problems and today we want them fast. Fast is not always better, but if there is a way to help ourselves now then why wait?

Do you really want to wait for your problems to go away? Most don’t, but what they do makes the problems stay.

There are very powerful ways a person can make their problems stay without knowing.

One is No Action ignore the problem, two is the fear of taking the Wrong Action, just one of these two choices will cause problems, both of these will help the person stay paralyzed for years.

For example a person who has been hurt through relationships creates a wonderful solution, no more relationships! Whilst a relationship can no longer hurt them the lack of love and connection will. [Read more...]

Is there a lack of Honesty in Your Relationship?

Couples in trouble usually end up with more words that are unspoken in the relationship than spoken. This lack of honesty about each others true feelings causes problems. Of course the reason they don’t speak is because they have stopped seeing the point, or don’t see it as the solution.

So now they can only be honest to friends, family, children and this hurts the relationship and so resentment starts to grow.

Honesty is a powerful word sometimes linked to trust. Most of us would agree that we want honesty in our relationships. It is a key factor in building successful relationships.

When honesty and trust are mentioned many people go to thoughts of affairs, or not being able to trust your partner with members of the opposite sex.

Whilst this is true the words trust and honesty are much broader in meaning and power.

For example: I discover in sessions that many women are not communicating the truth of how they feel to their partner through fear of their partner leaving them. This is one of many combinations couples experience.

This lack of honesty will create a conflict within them and so they change how they behave without knowing. They become unhappy due to this conflict and as a result they pull away to protect themselves and their partner feels it. [Read more...]

Living the Life You Were Born to Live

Have you ever wondered who you really are? Have you wondered what your life purpose is? Do you feel lost unsure of your direction in life? Maybe you feel your relationship never feels right? Do you notice you are focused on what’s wrong a lot of the time? Or maybe you are avoiding doing things because you are fearful you will get hurt? May be you feel you have to control your outside world so you can feel ok?

If this is you then this is important to know and could change your life…

If you wanted to discover the cure to many of your life problems starting at understanding the immense power of your own values would be a wonderful beginning to a successful life in control of your direction and what happens to you.

Values are the foundation of your emotional life, in other words how you focus and experience the world. If you are not aware of what they are and how they are set-up and working within you, you may find your emotions run you.

Most people are in this place, they live in reaction to their world always moving away from painful feelings, constantly focused internally, going round-and-round in their minds looking for solutions never finding answers. They end up living in smaller and smaller worlds in their quest to control their fears.

The transformation I see clients go through when they understand their values is remarkable, the more extreme their problem the bigger the change they feel. [Read more...]

Couples struggle to fix their problems – There’s a good reason why they fail…

Couples struggle to fix their problems because they try to fix the problems they are experiencing. They will go round in circles becoming confused, or resigned that their problems will never go away.

They try to fix what I call presenting problems

  • So the couple who don’t feel good when they argue try to fix the arguing.
  • One partner may not be able to stop spending so they focus on the spending.
  • One partner works really long hours, so the hours become the focus.
  • One partner keeps on about the tidiness in the house so this becomes the focus.
  • If an affair happens the affair become the focus.

I can tell you now… If I focused the couple on these problems as part my solution they would never fix their problems ever!

These presenting problems are symptoms of the real problem.

Unless you know what the real problem is, the problem will remain.

One couple came to me delighted to tell me they never argued, but were confused why their sex life had ground to a halt. Their focus became their dead sex life they blamed each other, but did it by ignoring each other and so they focused on friends, children and work.

The reason their sex life was dead was because there was no energy, polarity, sexual tension or playfulness in the relationship and most of all she didn’t feel safe.  We discovered they didn’t argue because both their parents didn’t so they copied without knowing. The arguments would have created energy and passion, but it was missing. So their way of punishing each other took even more energy out of the relationship and so they died as a couple.

So she just nagged him (she had to control something her relationship was dying) and he tried to please her apologising for everything. She slowly became the man in the relationship and he became one of the children. Now he is really unattractive and he feels he has lost his masculinity he just can’t please her, so he spends more time at work to feel good, she now resents him even more.

They ended up barely friends, so their sex life was the victim of many complex challenges they were totally unaware of, if they tried to have sex it would have been a disaster so they just gave up.

Both of them had great intentions, not arguing, pleasing, but these actions destroyed their relationship every day.

They were totally unaware and so they focused on their pain i.e. their dead sex life which of course just brought them more pain.

So you see if your try to fix your presenting problems it may just be as much use as putting a sticky plaster on a broken leg.

  • Do you have a problem you can’t fix? If so get in touch today.

Valentine’s Day is it a good or a bad thing?

In my profession I see the aftermath of what valentines’ day does to couples. So I am curious on your thoughts.

To help you I have some thoughts to share to get the ball rolling.

Firstly I would like to say that giving love at any time has to be a good thing so in essence there is nothing wrong with this special day it’s a great day to share your love with each other.

BUT…

What concerns me is how much pressure is put on the couples to perform on that night and the meaning they put to it when it all goes wrong. [Read more...]

Can YOU be YOU in Your Relationship?

Are you being you in your relationship, or do you have to make the effort to act differently? Maybe you are treading on eggshells, or maybe you feel controlled by your partners’ usual reaction which for you is destructive.

Many people change their behaviours to protect themselves and their relationship from harm. Whilst the intent is good the reality is the honesty has gone and this puts the couple in conflict with themselves and this creates internal fears which can lead to low emotional states, stress and depression.

For example: A wife may hold inside what she is really feeling, because she knows if she connects with what’s wrong for her and becomes too emotional, he will run-away, or get so angry that she sees no point, so she holds it in. Of course this results in building resentment in her which can ruin the relationship.

or [Read more...]

Is Changing Him a Good Idea?

Some women are asking their men to be more sensitive, to share their thoughts, emotions, worries and to become more vulnerable. They want this because they see this as the solution to their relationship problems.

The reason this desire for men to connect emotionally from women is because the women feel that their men are detached from their inner emotions. They know that their partners don’t understand them, because they struggle to be understood.

Women try so hard to be understood, but become frustrated when they know they are not. Not being understood from a female perspective can feel fearful and lonely. In this place her security that the relationship is going to be the way she wants, it is challenged.

Men at this point feel nagged, criticised, put down as she tries to get through to him… [Read more...]

Why is our Relationship Failing

This is important to know…

After years of working with couples some interesting behaviours emerge from the couples as certain understandings start to emerge for them.

When a couple are in crisis what happens is they turn up to sessions full of fear.

Some are fearful because their future has disappeared. Some are fearful because of what they have done. Some fear that there is something wrong with them and it will come out in the session.

What’s really interesting is how these fears start to fade as the sessions progress and they start to change their outlook and what they want.

You see the couple start to feel much happier as soon as they start to understand WHY!

Why are we in this mess?

  • Why did he/she have an affair?
  • Why did our sex life disappear?
  • Why do we argue so much yet we love each other?
  • Why do I become so possessive?
  • Why am I depressed?
  • Why is he so stressed?

Once the individuals understand WHY then they start to relax and feel better. What many people do is try to make their own thoughts fit what’s happened and it’s very easy to be wrong and make the wrong decision, hurting themselves and each other.

Even if they turned up to sessions passionately wanting the relationship to work and clearly discovering that not going to happen. As long as they know WHY they feel they can deal with anything.

What’s great about this new internal state of a calmer self is if the relationship can be saved it is far more likely with this new understanding.

The couple now know what’s happened and their part in the process of destruction. What’s great about this is the couple can clearly see what has to change and this time they are in control.

Understanding why and taking control has a huge impact on the individuals and the dynamics in the couple to move from destruction to growth.

This can happen fast, I have seen many couple shift really fast once they create this new understanding of…

…your relationship has failed because…

This is why I believe that relationship education is a critical component in the process of helping couples rebuild their relationships. Most couple through no fault of their own are in terrible trouble, and they don’t know WHY!

This brings heightened emotions and fears what’s important to know is it doesn’t have to be this way.

Do The Differences Between Men & Women Impact The Outcome of Their Relationship?

This is an important post because it’s about the foundation of our relationships. Without this knowledge our relationships can suffer as love and passion get replaced with loneliness’, fear, resentment, lack of respect to name a few…

Each of us has within us a masculine and feminine side to our personalities. When you consider those couples you know, you will probably see a good mix of traits which contradict what we think is normal. For example: Some women are very masculine and some men very feminine.

Our attraction to each other is based on these differences. What’s important is these differences work for that couple not just when they first meet, but throughout their relationship. If the couple lose these differences this can have significant effects on the happiness of the couple.

You can see this clearly when people attracted to each other first meet. They will be displaying without knowing the desire to display their differences so certain behaviours will become exaggerated.

For example: For men their voices become lower, whilst women’s voices become higher. Men try to look bigger whilst women are trying to look smaller.

Women will walk swaying their hips whilst men walk straight and strong.

These are just a few of the many traits that couples display early in the attraction process.

If the couple start to lose their differences then the relationship changes as they start to feel different with each other. This results in a focus of what’s wrong in the relationship. This focus magnifies the problem and the couple start to have cause for concern.

This process doesn’t happen overnight, but slowly the couple can start to notice problems appearing, maybe fighting, lack of desire to spend time together, work, friends hobbies becoming more important than the relationship.

As this happens a shift in the relationship starts to make it feel that you now have real problems as you can no longer trust your partner to help you create a future that looks exciting and safe in the way you want it.

In most couples what’s really happening is the female in the relationship is becoming stronger to cope with behaviours in him which stop her from feeling safe. She may feel she is not heard or understood. He usually misunderstands her words and reacts in ways which destroy their trust even further.

It gets to the point where lack of respect becomes the model by which the couple live by.

The result is the differences that attracted the couple are now in reverse of what worked.

The man has become weaker in the eyes of the woman, some complain with words like… “…it’s like have another child…”, or “…I don’t want to be his mum!”.

This perspective does not help her to feel safe with him, and the desire to be intimate is significantly decreased.

The man is likely to feel that he has given her everything and she is impossible to please, she has either become too aggressive or shut down not letting him in.

The result is, to keep herself safe the woman, has to become more masculine to cope with him and he has become weaker knowing he can’t please her.

The result is both will go to the outside world to reconnect with their needs.

The relationship stops being the source of their happiness and starts to die.

This ping-pong effect which creates fears through a lack of understanding of each others needs can be reversed with new understanding.

So the question now is this: Is it possible after years of problems to correct this. The answer is yes if you both really want to. Even if one person is certain it’s over, a new understanding can shift the foundations of their belief to a new one of hope.

I hope for you this has been helpful? You may have many questions as this is a complex area for couples and usually takes a good two hours to explain in the context of your situation. The changes can be dramatic when you both understand this…

Who knows this post maybe enough to help you…

If this has struck a chord with you please get in touch today, or leave a comment below…

I Spend A Lot Of Time Helping Men Become More Confident Partners

To be honest men are confused with their relationships and it’s not difficult to understand why, from his perspective she doesn’t make sense at all. So my job is to help the men with understanding her so he can be successful with her again.

Typical questions from men?

  • She wants equality in the relationship, but she wants to be treated like a lady?
  • She wants security in the relationship, but the money I make doesn’t make her feel secure with me?
  • She disrespects me in arguments and says awful things, but she tells me what she really wants is love. How do you love someone who’s screaming at you?
  • I tell her I love her, but weeks later she wants to hear it again, does she not believe me?
  • When she talks to me I try to fix her problems, but all she gets is crosser.
  • The more I try to please her, the more irritated she becomes.
  • Whatever I do never seems to make her happy.
  • She seems to be getting so tough and distant I keep out of her way.
  • I buy her loads of presents, but nothing cheers her up.

These are just a few perspectives I get from men.

All of these questions have very easy answers, but from a mans perspective it feels impossible, he will feel like he has tried everything and failed.

Why because men and women think totally differently, the differences are very real and through this lack of understanding massive problems can come out of confusion.

The truth is he has only tried what he knows and there is a lot he is not aware of. Being female being one of them.

It is this simple knowledge and new perspective of understanding each other differently that builds confidence that he can be successful with her again.

This is one of the keys to why I can be so successful with couple so quickly.

Lack of understanding creates fears and the fears destroy the relationships.

Of course this is not a one way street, women need to understand their men too and women are equally confused.

  • If you love each other and want fast answers then get in touch today! Click here

Behaviours Most Likely To Cause Relationship Problems

I have put together a list of some of the behaviours I see and hear that are likely to cause relationship problems. Yes I did run this list yesterday, but it’s so important to understand. I know some of you missed it!

    1. Couples tell me that love is important all the time, yet when challenged their love is clearly conditional. “I won’t give love unless…they do, or I feel safe, or I feel important, or I feel respected… the list goes on!”
    2. If I give to my partner, what will I get in return? If anyone gives to get, they are trading for what they want and this is guaranteed to kill their sex life dead!
    3. Couples think punishing each other works? Yet it never occurs to them that whenever they are punished they don’t feel more love, so they are killing the relationship bit-by-bit.
    4. Couples don’t create a plan or a direction for their lives together past having children. They then become fearful because of the relationship because it’s going no-where. [Read more...]

Depression: Is Your Relationship The Cause?

You and your partner are designed by nature to act and work together in a certain way hence the term chemistry usually associated with the automatic feelings a couple experiences when they first meet.

When you first met this is likely to be the reactions you had to each other. You both felt great, and it took little effort, those amazing feelings were automatic. When you were with your partner you felt great about you.

These automatic feelings are proof of natures’ power of attraction in action. It created chemical reactions in you both to feel an intense attraction to each other.

When you feel this way, the drive towards intimacy is very powerful. [Read more...]

FEARS: The Single Most Destructive Element In Relationships.

Fears change people, fears help people behave in ways that contradict how they would behave if the fear was not present. In fact fears help people act in ways which are the total opposite of who they really are at core. A kind loving gentle person can act the total opposite when a fear gets triggered.

It’s like they have totally changed, almost like they are not the same person.

When couples are going through relationship problems what they both experience is the fear version of their partner at play. It can feel like their partner has totally changed from the person you know and love. If the fear happening to you and is strong enough, it can feel like you feel different, almost disconnected in some way. [Read more...]