How To Win Your Husband Back

Readers question: How to win back your husband after he made up the decision to get a divorce?

We’ve been married for 3 years and 8 months now, I’m a Filipino and he’s Norwegian, we have fought almost everyday since we lived together we’ve got two kids (3 years old and 1 year old both are girls). We still living together, but totally no romance and no caring anymore. He gave up and he told me he don’t love me anymore and he will need to think that I don’t exist… its been like these since July 2010.

We’ve been to some family coaching office in Norway in June 2010. And they said its a culture conflict. After 3 sessions with them we’ve stopped my husband says they can’t help us. And after one week my husband told me that we can’t live together anymore, he does not want to stay on this relationship anymore and he will fight for kids custody. Two months ago my husband says his waiting for me to do something now about this relationship now… I can feel he wants me to disappear in his life, but I can’t leave my kids with him. Since we stopped the session we don’t fight anymore because we didn’t talk so much now. Were both living like strangers now.. I can’t think anymore how to please him to stay on this relationship.

Hi and thank you for your question.

Obviously I do not have all the information, but from what you have said I expect what your relationship coaches have said is true.

When two people get together it’s always a challenge for life to feel right for the couple if the way they have been brought up is very different. Its hard enough when two people from the same culture have been shown different ways to live, but when the cultures are so different then the couple really does have a challenge.

Having said all of that I want to give you some things to think about.

What is likely to have happened is due to the huge differences between you, you would probably have felt scared about your future with him, and him with you. You may not have felt secure or significant or loved in the way you expected.

The more insecure you felt the more you would test him to find out if he loved you in the way you wanted. The testing him would come out in many ways, but has resulted in arguments.

What he would do is to either defend his actions by arguing back, or he would run away in someway, this could be to go out or shut down.

If this has happened everyday this is exhausting for both of you. So I can see how he wants it to stop. The only solution he sees is for you to be removed from his life.

Lack of understanding is the key if all this is the case. He has missed your real message and that is you don’t feel secure.

If he knew that was your real message, he would not react in the same way.

The reason is this: Men are hard wired to want to please their partners. The main reason he has stopped is because he will have gathered enough proof that no matter what he does he cannot please you.

If he can’t do that, for him the relationship is over.

So the key in all this is how to rebuild the trust between you. Understanding what you both need for a relationship to be successful. Then become committed to meeting those needs plus understanding each others real verbal and non-verbal messages.

Men and women communicate in totally different ways. Men on the whole are very direct and use few words and they mostly mean exactly what they say. Women will use indirect language that can hold a multitude of meanings.

For example: When testing him you might communicate things which to him are not factually true, but you feel them emotionally in the moment. He will argue about the facts of your words and as he does you will escalate the argument as you feel he is more interested in the facts and himself than giving you the love and security you need.

So if you want this man back, help him to feel like a man because this is what he wants. Help him to feel successful with you, show him that he has the power to please you.

Help him know that you don’t feel safe and how he can fix it. The more successful he feels with you more secure he will feel about the future of the relationship. The more he feels like a man, the greater the chances of him helping you feel more like the woman you really want to be.

So jump out of the fearful version of you and become the best partner you can be and love him, you now have nothing to lose.

I hope that helps a little

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you…”

Many couples that come to me with relationship problems usually have one person who is more shut down than the other.

This person is usually in a state of confusion, not sure if they want the relationship or not. They have feelings of love from the past, but right now they are confused because they resent their partner for helping them to feel so miserable.

They have plenty of evidence that on some level their partner cannot be trusted.

Right now all they want to do is escape the pain they feel.

To them breaking up seems like the only option.

No matter what has happen between this couple this relationship can be saved with the right approach.

The hurdles to get over are firstly that what they believe about the relationship and themselves.

Many of them are waiting to feel feelings of love for their partner, but they don’t and so they assume the relationship for them is dead. They feel emotionally shut down at this point.

We have all experienced things that we did not want to do and then afterwards we discovered we actually really enjoyed it.

The gym is a prime example, sex is another, we all put off doing things because we want to feel great about doing them before we do it.

Relationships are no different. The problems is when we first met our partners we did not have to do anything to feel amazing and the explosion of chemicals we felt was automatic.

Nature designed us that way, but even nature can’t keep that intensity going and so the relationship changes and we have to do things to feel great again.

So waiting to feel love after months of battling is unlikely, but if one of you got sane fast and became the best partner you could be first, before you felt what you think you should feel, you just maybe surprised what happens next.

Too many couples use taking love away as a weapon to teach their partner a lesson and all this does is to trigger fear states in each other, the future does not feel secure at all when couple do this.

The faster couples learn that the answers are in giving love, and not in punishment the faster they will receive the love they crave.

Is this you, or do you know a couple that are doing this if so, take action fast.

Your mind is complicated and believing all you think is sometimes dangerous.

What do you have to lose? After all you think the relationship is dead so you can’t lose that, so all you could lose is time.

It’s better to lose a little time than spend a life time regretting what you did from a place of fear which is likely to be where you are.

Divorce: Should we be surprised?

With the majority of couples using trial and error as their strategy for relationship success, is it little wonder why couples have so many problems that end in divorce.

Relationships are probably one of the most important parts of our lives and yet receive so little formal education/attention as we grow up.

How can any of us be expected to understand our relationships if we are never shown how.

Schools, parents, governments, us? Who is responsible for helping us and at what point would that help be most effective and what sort of help would be most effective?

Most of our parents are just as lost as we are, but like it or not we model our parents way of creating our relationships because it the only reference we really have.

The only time people really search to find out more about their relationships is when things are going seriously wrong. Even then they wait far too long before seeking the help they needed years before.

There seems to be a lot of stigma in seeking help, but more than that, there is massive lack of confidence that it will actually work?

One of the question I am asked is how much does my help cost. The reason I am asked this is because society on the whole sees getting relationship help as a massive financial and emotional gamble.

To be honest I can see why, I receive so many people who have experienced relationship help in other forms and have seen little to no results.

One lady seeking my help had been seeing her therapist for a massive 10 years. The therapist clearly had no idea that she had become part of the problem she had promised to help.

One gentleman had been seeing his counsellor for 2 years. Whilst he said he felt better, his real problems were still there, and so he wanted a different approach from me. 5 weeks later he was seeing a massive difference.

One of the many reasons why I decided to do this kind of work was because in my twenties I was appauled at the support my relationship had received by a couples counsellor. She basically charged us £40.00 to argue in her house. Her support actually accelerated our break-up.

Unless you understand how relationships really work and how to get the best out of each other, then how can you be sure that you will not become a statistic.

Education is the key: I believe that all couples need education…

This is the key factor I use in the work I do with couples. This education gives people the tools and the confidence to communicate what they really need.

  • I help people understand why their relationships failed so they don’t repeat the same pattern in their next relationship.
  • I helps couple pre marriage understand what has to happen to keep their love and passion for each other alive.
  • I help couples in crisis understand what is really going on in their relationships.

Education stops the trial error strategy that’s designed for disaster.

We do not have all the knowledge we need to understand our relationships and so whatever your beliefs are today are you sure that what you think you know will actually work.

Plus it’s much better fun understanding yourself and each other long before you really need crisis help.

Relationship problems won’t stop – what do you do?

You feel stuck, on one hand you have feelings of love for what you used to have together, but you also know that every day you feel unhappy it’s getting worse and now you can’t see a future together.

You just want to get back to where you were.

Men and women will approach this situation differently, women will usually want to complain, or talk and test their partners love for them. Men will either shutdown, run, argue or just do what they’re are told (for a quiet life).

This method of fixing the relationship is usually built around punishment.

Is this you? Have you been punishing your partner to get them to change?

Consider this… When in your past have you been punished by your partner and then felt more love for them after?

I expect your answer is never!

Yes this never works, so instead of fighting or punishing convert all that energy into loving them more.

If your expectation is that you want your partner to be the best they can be for you, why not practice what you preach and be the best you can be for them first.

You are conditioned by society to punish when someone has done something wrong. In relationships it never ever works.

If in the past you feel your punishment has worked you can bet that your partner did what you wanted with a side order of attaching resentment to you.

Resentment is never far away from a lack of respect and that’s very close to the end of your relationship.

What is love?

It’s interesting that so many people use the word love yet when challenged have no real explanation for what it really means. Yet we long to hear those words, especially from those we care about.

So when a couple in crisis communicates words like “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” the recipient is usually left confused. What does he or she mean?

I remember asking a group of ladies if their version of love was different to their partners how would that feel. The body language was very telling as all the women looked uncomfortable as they shifted instantly in their seats.

Love is one of those powerful words we all seem to accept yet struggle to really understand.

What you’ll notice is that love is a direct link to powerful emotions that sit inside us.  So the feelings of love are created by us and we attach those feelings to what is helping us to feel good about ourselves usually our partners. Those specific feelings are unique to us.

What we feel and how we get to love is different in all of us. Some people can only connect to love if they feel significant or secure. These people will struggle because they will not feel secure or significant all the time. So their connection to love is intermittent for them, this is scary and so they test the relationship, become very demanding or overly control in some way.

These people can be so demanding that they destroy the love they fear losing.

So the more someone can help us to feel great about ourselves in the way we want them to, in the context of them, the higher the chances of us having feelings of love for them.

This is why so many couples struggle to maintain their love for each other, as time goes on they stop helping their partner to feel amazing about themselves.

The love the couple felt inside then starts to fade, but they are confused, because they remember feeling powerful love in the context of their partner. So even though they don’t feel good they stay and find other ways to feel good again.

This is why they say “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” They are telling the truth, they used to feel love, but today they don’t.

The question is, ‘can this be changed?’ The simple answer is yes, but it’s easier if both people want to bring the love back.

As you can see getting to love is complex and is further confused by nature who has designed us to have instant feelings of love (so we are driven to procreate) that are so powerful that we feel love for people who we are massively attracted hence the huge sexual drive in the early days months of our relationships.

But of course nature never intended us to then live together, but society has conditioned us that we should.
Without this knowledge life long commitments can be made with people who we were never designed to spend our lives with.

All of this is the reason why getting to know us and how we work is critical before we embark on life long relationships. Because if we learn to love ourselves and give ourselves all we need then a life partner becomes a value-add to our lives.

We then know at this stage how to create relationship boundaries that are designed for success and love can then flow without fear, this is called unconditional love…

…and unconditional love is what we all desire.

Couples Conflict Question

When our partner behaves in ways in which we don’t like what have we been taught to do. Most would automatically punish them in some way.

After all if we were naughty our parents taught us that we had to be punished. Society teaches us that bad behaviour is rewarded with punishments such as fines or imprisonment.

A recent client of mine was defaulting to revenge, and others I see generally resorted to punishments in their quest to teach their partners a lesson so they would never behave badly again.

I was wondering who else thinks that punishing your partner is the best strategy for creating a loving relationship?

I mean when your partner punishes you how much love do you feel towards them?

As they carry out their punishment based on them judging you, do you just want to throw your arms around them and love them more?

Of course not.

So if you know it doesn’t work then why would anyone practice this again and again.

Coaching Couples

Are you and your partner experiencing problems and you want to get to the bottom of why? Are you considering some kind of couples coaching?

Your key to success is to look beyond the problems you are having because your answers are not where you think they are, and this is why couples arguments go round and round in circles as they try to fix the wrong thing.

Many couples I see tell me that they have been to a counsellor with a specific problem and the counsellor has tried to help them fix that problem hoping that this will change how the couple feels about each other.

Many couples I see have been through that frustrating process and it gives them further proof that they have no hope even with a professional helping them. They feel that the only solution is to end the relationship.

Has this happened to you or are you in this process?

The problem that is being presented in the couples lives is always a symptom of their real problems and so fixing this never gets to the truth of what‘s causing their conflict or fears.

The place to look to for a solution to the couples problems is in the core needs and values of the individuals, and their map of what a relationship is, and how it should be in their mind.

If there is a mismatch in needs, values and their circumstances / behaviours then the couple will be unhappy and one or both people in the couple will start to search for more problems in the relationship as they become protective and fearful of their own future with their partner.

The problems the couples face or bring to sessions is the problems they have found after they feel fearful for their future together and so they test the relationship to make sure they have the right partner.

For Example

So for example a woman could be testing a man without him knowing.

If he does not pick up his clothes after he has been asked to, then this means he does not listen to her, and so she feels insignificant to him, therefore he cannot be trusted to give her what she needs and this rocks her security with him.

Their arguments in this case would be about her constant nagging him and his lack of respect or appreciation for her and what she does in the house.

The reality has nothing to do with the clothes, what she fears is a lack of security and so she feels unsafe with him and as he fights with her all she can see is a future full of fear that just maybe she is not enough for him.

We could train him to pick-up his clothes, but because that test was created from another fear within her “a lack of security” all she would do is create another test.

If in the example above we discovered what had made her feel insecure with him and what actions he could take to help her feel more secure then we are on the road to a happier future.

Once the coupe discover what’s missing, filling that gap become easy and so their fears for the future are removed and the couple are happy again.

So if you are having problems and seem to be going round in circles please get in touch today.