I know many will ignore this, but for you, I hope you take your time to understand the magnitude of what you are about to read so next year can really be the way you want it.

As 2011 draws to a close I wonder as you reflect on this year what has been your primary focus. I wonder what you have spent most of your time directing your mind to. It’s important to understand this because it’s why your life is the way it is now. If you’re not happy with what you’ve got then clearly a change has to be on the cards for you!

In this post today I will share with you what I believe to be one of the most important messages you will ever receive

Take a moment to think: What have you been feeling and thinking about this year and why?

Most people have problems of some kind, but what’s interesting is because the problem becomes their focus, all the persons’ energy is directed towards the problem.

This focus magnifies their perception of their problem

What the person wants most is for the problem to go away, but they are sabotaging themselves, because whilst they are focused on the problem instead of it going away, it is actually getting bigger and more frightening.

If they practice doing this for long enough they create/make a focus that becomes an automatic pattern to alert the person to feel even more fear. The more they fear the more they focus on what’s wrong, the snowball effect is now in place destroying the persons life and limiting them from living the life they want.

Any person in this place will be trying to rebalance their world, but they will be doing it from a perspective of limitation. Their core values and beliefs are ignored as they focus on their fear and how to escape it. From an outside persepctive the person will have seemed to have changed, inside they feel stuck, removed, living a existance rather than a life.

• But the good thing is our focus can snowball towards good to! All you have to do, is know how.

So if the person is primarily focused on their problems in a relationship, it’s really easy in this place find even more problems. So we can scare ourselves silly from a totally distorted perspective.

I see people in my sessions, they believe their distortion so much they destroy their relationship in their quest to stay safe.

So know this, whatever you have ended up with this year, good or bad is going to be as a result of your focus and the actions or lack of them.

As soon as you get this concept and I know many won’t, but some of you will, then you’ll start to feel different and in control of your life.

Now you know you have created your own destructive pattern of focus, the next question is how do I change it or make it go away?

The answer is simple: You have to retrain your mind in the same way you did for fear, but this time towards what you want, not what you don’t.

What this means is for you to direct your mind towards the life you want, the possible solutions/action you need to take to make it happen. It is quite possible you have no idea what you do want , or what the solutions are, especially in relationships. So the solution is simple if you don’t know, find someone who does and learn from them.

If your relationships is failing, or you’re feel low or depressed ask yourself this. “How did I do this to myself, what do I really want and what has to happen for me to get it?”

Remember if you don’t know, find out! If you change your focus you’ll change you life!

• I really hope you get this because it is probably the most important message you’ll ever recieve. As I said many will miss the point here, but I sincerley hope for you, that this is the moment that sparks the change in you to go insearch of your truth.

If you have experienced this kind of change for you please feel free to share your journey in the comments below so other may learn from you.

These are just a fraction of the messages that come into my sessions each week, and I just wonder if you can explain how these behaviours are possible, is it temporary madness? Or is there more to it, what do you think?

• How is it possible for a man to scream out of control at his wife even though he says he loves her?
• How is it possible for a woman to self harm when she feels scared she won’t be loved?
• How is it possible for a woman to not say a word when her husband upsets her even if depression becomes her result?
• How is it possible for a woman to be close to suicide after her partner leaves her?
• How is it possible for a man to think that being right is more important than saving his marriage?
• How is it possible for a man to run away from his relationship every time things get tough?
• How is it possible for a man or a woman to seeminly change personality almost over night?
• How is it possible for a man to see his wife in pain, yet make her pain all about him?
• How is it possible for a man to punish his wife and expect her to feel more love for him?
• How is it possible for a man to complain that he can’t bear his wife shouting at him and if it carries on he will leave, yet when I ask how often this happen he says once a year?
• How is it possible for a woman to keep nagging knowing that it never works, but keeps on regardless?
• How is it possible for couple to know their relationship is in trouble, but bury their heads in the sand?
• How is it possible that woman feel so scared to become vulnerable and feminine?
• How is it possible when problems happen sad people get sadder, depressed people get more depressed, angry people get more angry, loving people connect with others, fighters find an excuse to fight?
• How is it possible for a man to come to sessions with me to work on his marriage yet still have an affair that he said he stopped months before?
• How is it possible for a man to believe that money is the power in his relationship?
• How is it possible for a woman to become so masculine?
• How is it possible for a man to be so needy, yet controling?
• How is it possible for a woman to fear her husband is having an affair yet he has done nothing, but love her for 20 years?

Why is it this way do you know?

The answer is simple these behaviours are learnt from the persons past and are behaviours for the most, based on fear and control. These people are trying to meet their needs, but in ways that will only hurt them.

Typical causes are past heightened emotional experiences and poor role models growing up.

Every person has a different driver and different fear, but these behaviours can be devastating for those people and those that love them.

If you are experiencing these problems then please feel free to get in touch.

Yesterday we started to understand perception and how we create the meanings for the world we live in and how those perceptions can craft your future. Click how our minds work if you missed part 1

Today I’m going to expand on this and talk about your focus and how that works with your perceptions to design your life and relationships.

All this happens without you knowing, so imagine how powerful this can be if you can choose your perceptions, and now your focus.

Suddenly they just start appearing

Have you ever bought something like a car and suddenly noticed lots of cars just like yours suddenly appear? Or if you were expecting a baby, then did the world suddenly look like it was full of pregnant women? Is this magic, or coincidence of course not?

If this or something similar has happened to you, then that’s your focus in action. The truth is the world did not change, what changed was your focus and until you had that focus you went through life deleting all information that was not important, such as that model of car or pregnant women.

I will say that again, if you deem information to not be important, you will delete it as if it never happened. In fact you will swear that it didn’t happen, even if it did.

You may even receive information you don’t totally understand and so you may have to distort it so it fits into your model of the world, so your version of events never actually happened, children are victim of this and it’s why what information you feed you children is critical.

Your mind is creating your world

Now you know that through your mind the world will present to you what you focus on, what do you want the world to give you?

If you are a negative person what will you delete? You will delete all that’s good in the world.

If you fear being in the wrong relationship what will you delete? You will delete all that’s good in your relationship, and go on a mission to discover everything that may hurt you. Even if you have the best relationship in the world you would find problems, because problems are always available.

The key is knowing what to focus on to give you what you really want.

Some may say they want more money and they have focused on this for years and they are still poor. What these people don’t realise is they actually focused without knowing on not having enough money and so they practised, not having enough money until they were successful at it.

If these people focused on creating careers that were inline with all they value emotionally, and they persistently worked on growing their value within those markets, they would then see results that would in turn provide them with the money they desire. The focus here is on growth and contribution not on a lack.

People in problem relationships will have practised focusing on a fear for their future. When they find the many problems their fears have created they will then focus on protection or security from their partner. This will help them focus on attaching all their bad feelings to their partners and then make them responsible for making them feel bad.

Change your focus and change your life

Why not create a focus for what you really want. This is the biggest challenges for coaches and their clients. Because what a client thinks they want, is never what they really want.

A coach knows the client wants emotions. The clients thinks the outside world is the route to those feelings, the coach knows the route to their true happiness is within themselves.

So what is going to be the focus of your life and what perceptions of the world are going to give you all you desire?

Something to think about…

In today’s post I am going to share some concepts about how our minds work so you can relate this back to how you experience the world, your life, relationships, and especially the one with yourself.

The goal is to gain a better understanding of how you really work. So if you want to gain control of your life experiences and your relationships please read this slowly.

The way you experience the world, your thoughts and feelings are your interpretation of the world, in your mind, based on your life experiences so far. Your mind is always looking for meanings to what happens within your world based on your own unique experiences, because it’s all you know.

Different experiences therefore create different perceptions.

These experiences of yours have created meanings to your world that are unique to you, and these experiences are designing your future. No one else has exactly the same experiences of life as you.

This means that the world and it’s meanings to you is purely a perception that sits within your mind, and so any beliefs that you have created on your journey through life are based on these perceptions, and are not actual facts. Many people have beliefs that they believe are facts, when they are not.

This is what makes you unique, there is no one else like you.

So if the world you live in is an interpretation created by you, then the meanings you give the world are clearly a perception too.

So if the world you live in a is a perception in your mind, and you are creating these perceptions without knowing then imagine how the world would feel it you could control your day-to-day experiences and their meanings, how would that change you and your future?

The truth is your perceptions can create vast differences in the life you live, and not understanding this puts either other people or the world in charge of your life’s direction.

• If you believe you can’t have unconditional love then you will be right.
• If you believe that your partner can’t be trusted then you will be right.
• If you believe that your life is hopeless and you will never be successful, then you will be right.

If your focus is on all that’s wrong then you will create that perception and live that life. We are conditioned by society to look for the negative and so this comes easy for us to do and so we convince ourselves that we are in the wrong relationships, or our lives are hopeless and success only happens to others.

Know this: Successful people NEVER EVER think that way, and so they create the perception that everything is possible they totally believe in themselves and so they take massive actions and are relentless in their quest to get the lives they want.

So what perceptions have you created about your life? Maybe the reason you don’t have what you really want is down to you and your perception of yourself.

Maybe you don’t think you are enough…and that’s holding you back…!?

• Discover more in How Our Minds Work Part 2 your focus.