He filed for divorce totally unaware of the truth

In November 2016 he told me he was done – this was his first and last meeting with me and he was going to file for divorce. He was fed up with years of her being negative and controlling of him and everything around her.

He said he loved who she was when they first met but over the years and after a first child she had changed and he was now unable to stay with her.

He told me the relationship had been so difficult for him he felt he had no choice but to seek love elsewhere.

So he created a secret relationship with another woman and stayed with his wife not wanting to leave his child. It was his way of staying with the family but he was now at the end and needed to move on. [Read more...]

Should she leave him?

How many people feel real physical and emotional pain through their relationship and use that message to leave their marriage?

Naturally, it makes total sense for anyone to leave a relationship that’s full of pain.

So if it keeps being painful then obviously the relationship is the problem so leaving it will stop the pain – right?

Well, I helped this lady learn that she would be safer if she took a deeper look.

[Read more...]

How to solve marriage problems!

The answer to this question is you must find a way to see your problems in solvable terms. Many people are looking at their relationship problems as impossible to solve and it’s this thinking that helps them give up or break a relationship that could have worked.

If you are a regular reader you will know I don’t think all marriages can or should be saved. What couples in trouble should do is become curious to understand the root of their marriage problems so they don’t make a mistake they’ll regret.

Below are some brief situations that looked impossible to solve until they really understood what was happening and what to do about it.  [Read more...]

Rebuilding trust in a relationship

We can lose trust in our partners in many different ways. You can lose your trust in someone or they can lose their trust in you. Trust can be lost through obvious routes such as affairs and circular conflict, or through lack of understanding, loss of respect and lack of care to name a few.

Losing trust can be devastating for any couple as TRUST is one of the core foundations needed to keep the couple’s connection alive.

So what’s the cost of not rebuilding the trust?

So many people end up naturally protecting themselves from their partner because they lose trust without really understanding the hidden dangers of this practice.

My clients have learnt that protecting themselves through stacking resentments will be leading the marriage to a dangerous position where feelings that keep the relationship alive can start to die. [Read more...]

Relationship Advice 101

Each year I’m inundated with couples who are in crisis! Many are on the edge of divorce lost confused and fearful of both staying and leaving.

My mission is to spend a few weeks helping those couples learn how to breakthrough their specific crisis and rebuild their relationship to be significantly better than it was before.

So many of these couples are saddened by the knowledge they learn. They are sad because they look back on so many wasted years of living a disconnected life together when it wasn’t necessary.

They can see now they didn’t need to suffer and there really was an answer – one gentleman told me “…in a million years I would not have come up with this as the solution!” [Read more...]

What does your partner really need to be happy?

If you want a successful relationship for life then meeting your partners’ core needs is going to be one of the critical elements to achieving this lifelong goal.

In essence meeting each other’s needs should be simple, but when you look closer you will discover many hidden challenges.

Most people don’t start looking at their relationship needs until it starts to become a problem. This decision is the big mistake everyone makes.

You see if you wait until the relationship is in trouble at this point the desire to meet needs is rarely high if you can’t trust your partner to meet your needs.

I was discussing this concept with a client this week. He was convinced he had done all he could and it was his wife who needed my help.  [Read more...]

Relationships suffer without this…

Far too many people are suffering in their relationships. As I watch couple after couple go through my programs I see really lovely people who despite doing their best are living their own personal hell.

All these people have made themselves incompatible without meaning to. They never set out to harm their marriage, but the marriage is breaking down and they are suffering not knowing what to do.

Some try to bury their heads, some keep trying and inevitably some become so emotionally empty they can give up through exhaustion.

The paths to relationship trauma are varied, so the solution for each couple has to be different however the goal/destination for all these couples is the same. [Read more...]

Can a Leopard change its spots?

Many people come into my session with years of experiencing their partner being a certain way. They need their partner to change, but they are not convinced it’s possible so they sit in the relationship protecting themselves from their partner.

So they ask me “can a Leopard change its spots?”

One gentleman came in with a severe marriage issue and he was trying to save it – she wanted a divorce, but he had terrible anger problems.

He told me he was going to anger management. I said “Why do you want to manage it? Don’t you want to get rid of it?”

I went on to explain to him that his anger was designed to meet his core needs and because it kept meeting those needs through his anger he would always behave this way. [Read more...]

What Really Saves a Couple from Divorcing?

When I look at all the couples that have successfully saved their marriage from the brink of divorce they all have the same thing in common.

At the start of the process:

  • They were sceptical they could actually be helped.
  • They have spent years going round in circles.
  • The all have moved to protect themselves from each other on some level.
  • They were exhausted.

I see this as a normal start.

  • What they did all bring to the table was a curiosity to learn and grow.

What I see at the core of a couple’s success is the ability to learn that their thinking although totally logical did not bring them to the truth of their relationship. [Read more...]

Should we continue with our marriage?

My husband and I have been married 17 years and in recent years had been hitting the same wall of not understanding each other resulting in defensive behaviour, anger, frustration and indifference. 

The future certainly didn’t look bright and with the prospect of our two sons leaving home, neither of us were sure if we wanted to continue with our marriage.

We had sought other marriage counselling earlier in our marriage and although it had helped to some extent, it hadn’t got to the nub of the problem.  We decided to seek Stephen’s help and went with an open mind and a sense of relief that we were, at least, doing something about the problems we faced.

Over the course of six months, Stephen saw us both together and separately.  We grew to trust him and his methods.  In the beginning, we could park our problems with him and give ourselves a rest from the nagging feeling that our marriage was doomed with the resulting sense of fear for the future.

Stephen’s methods are subtle, yet illuminating.

He’s kind and funny and a great listener.  He explains why we behave the way we do.  He points out the marked differences between men and women. He gives you tools to cope with the challenges of marriage and how to nurture it.

There are ‘light bulb’ moments but mostly his approach is subtle and so long as you are prepared to listen and act – you will fix your marriage.

I know, because, my husband and I are now looking forward to a bright future.  We want to be together and build on the life we’ve created.

Thank you so much, Stephen.

J.D.

Glos

“The root cause of marriage problems”

Getting to the root of the problem has to be the goal for any couple in crisis. So many couples are struggling because as they try to fix their problems they notice it gets worse. This means they are either fixing their problem badly, or they are fixing the wrong problem.

For some couples, they stop trying to fix it and it silently deteriorates and others can have one person who is in denial that they even have a problem.

My advice is any problem no matter how small are signals that a change is required, the key to your success is understanding the correct change to make and then take action. This is why I work on a diagnose and prescribe model to help couples get out of trouble fast.

Many simply can’t believe their partner can’t understand what seems so simple to them.

  • Some couples are having the same arguments so they think they understand what the root problem is.
  • Some couples don’t argue at all, so they are confused as to why the relationship is even struggling.
  • Some couples are having very different arguments so even though they are unhappy nothing seems to be at the cause.

The root cause is so important to get to because if you fix a symptom the root problem will only create a different symptom. [Read more...]

What’s killing the passion in so many marriages?

What you are about to read is so important to understand if you want an intimate relationship for life. Many couples have a very poor sexual connection but don’t know why. What happens for many is they kill their passion but still keep a certain level of connection alive.

A passionate connection has very specific foundations for couples to stay alive and passionate. What most couples are doing is killing their passion foundations without knowing.

So please take note

It’s impossible to keep love and passion alive whilst a person has to protect themselves emotionally from their partner so below are some of the actions that create those negative feelings and slowly kill the relationship.  [Read more...]

I’m stuck – I love my wife but the intimacy is dead

Many people are suffering in their relationships because they have become stuck. Some people know they are stuck some are not aware at all and can fight to stay stuck.

  • Some people are stuck because the passion has died.
  • Some people are stuck not sure if they are in the right relationship.
  • Some people are suck in a destructive fixed identity pattern.
  • Some people are stuck in a problem that designed to mask a deeper problem.

People for many reasons can become stuck they know they are unhappy but are scared to make a change so they are paralysed in a life that doesn’t work.

The key to helping someone breakthrough their feeling stuck problem is to reconnect them to an honest bigger picture and themselves minus their fears. [Read more...]

Masculine Women in Relationships

When a couple comes to see me it’s highly likely they have been suffering for a while so I do expect both people to have lost sight of who they really are in their marriage.

One of the challenges I see again an again is when a woman has taken on a masculine energy and it’s destructive for both people.

To be clear men can play a significant role in women becoming masculine, but that will not be covered in this post.

Masculine energy for women can be very useful for her or it can be destructive without her knowing.

Masculine energy can be useful so she can protect and stand up for herself and her children. It can be useful in business. I know and admire many very powerful women in business.  [Read more...]

Avoid the fight of your life – Learn the 20+ early warning signals that means a marriage is in trouble

Far too many couples are waiting far too long to seek help so in today’s post I’m going to share my thoughts on what to look out for and what not to ignore.

This man was terrified…

I’ll never forget a couple who came for help far too late. Her pattern was not communicating her problems with him and his pattern was to assume her calm self was an indicator that she was happy.

As he walked into my room he looked terrified.

She had just told him she wanted a divorce – she was deadly serious – he could now see he was in the fight of his life.

In fact, this fight started years before and he never knew. The clock had been ticking and he just didn’t see the signs.

You see I need people fighting to protect their marriages much sooner. [Read more...]

“Problem Partners” Uncovering the mask

Many couples struggle when one person starts to develop a personal problem of some kind. They struggle because the relationship cannot grow because of their problem and in many cases, it’s been dying for years because of this problem.

In today’s post, I’m going to talk about some of those problems I see and what could be going on for them and their marriage.

Last year I saw a lady who was depressed. After spending time with her I discovered her depression was designed to mask a deeper challenge for her.

She was afraid to open up in a relationship and so remained closed as a means to protect herself using depression (something she could create) as the problem everyone could see and focus on.

By helping her understand how the depression was created and how to be safe in a relationship she now has her life back.

A gentleman came reluctantly came to see me with his wife. [Read more...]

“We both want our marriage to work – BUT it’s getting worse please help us”

“I never thought he would leave me.” “I can’t believe she just left” “I never knew things were this bad” These are the real messages I hear from people who ignored their partners cries for help and regretted it.

What couples who are struggling are not connecting with is they are in step-by-step process and if they take action now they can stop a marital disaster.

Today I’m going to help you understand it’s important to learn where you are so you can get real about your relationship and do something about it.

Below are the stages couples are going through without knowing. It’s important to understand where each of you is in this process.

Stage 1: Attraction – Love being together

Stage 2: Resistance – Problems starting to surface

Stage 3: Resentment – Problems not resolved

Stage 4: Detachment – Emotion protection

Stage 5: Decision – Position designed to take back control

Stage 6: Separation – Physical separation/Divorce [Read more...]

How do I help my failing marriage?

When you break down the process individuals and couples are going through to put their relationship into a crisis it’s easy to see why they are struggling to keep their connection alive. 

Helping couples to see where they are going wrong is a key skill to master to help them save and protect their marriage.

As you scan today’s post I will share with you a key strategy for helping couples out of crisis and a couple who was on the brink of divorce who needed help fast…

Before I share this strategy two steps are critical for couples in crisis to learn. Enlighten both people to understand how they have broken their marriage so they don’t repeat that mistake and help them learn what they must now do to keep it passionately alive.

These two understandings are key to keeping their foundations strong to support them for life.

Once people understand what’s really happening to themselves and each other they can replace their natural fears and self-protection patterns with understanding and confidence.

The goal is to help couples build confidence that no matter what hits them they both know what to do to protect their marriage as a team.

These skills are not natural and so they must be taught. [Read more...]

“My marriage is over!”

I was sat with a lady a few months ago she was telling me that her marriage had run its course. She said it’s sad but these things happen.

When I asked her how she knew this was true she told me her feelings had changed and she was no longer attracted to her husband.

So I asked her “what created your feelings?”

She looked blankly at me.

It’s an important question. If someone is going to break up a 12-year marriage and upset children with a life-changing decision for everyone isn’t it important to understand?

Exactly how were her feelings created? [Read more...]

Why men don’t listen to their wives…

Many women complain to me that their husband doesn’t listen or won’t listen to her. She can complain that he is emotionally unavailable or just not capable of an emotional connection, suggesting that he is broken. 

Not hearing her can leave her feeling disconnected, resentful, and lonely in the marriage.

For women communication is a critical part of building trust, deepening connection so she can feel safe to be herself in her marriage. This helps her to feel safe to love him.

If she can’t connect with him she can feel they are the wrong fit or he doesn’t care or she’s not enough for him. This will lead her to protect herself from him and now a vicious cycle can start.

>>>Today I’m going to share the real reason why men don’t listen to their wives. [Read more...]