28 Early warnings couples must never ignore

Life long, intimate relationships are packed full of hidden problems that can be catastrophic to the couples ability to stay connected.

It’s critical to know early when you and your relationship is in a pattern that could be destructive to its future. Many of these patterns can be understood and overcome.

Below is a list of patterns that should never be ignored.

1. The couple that never argues. Nine times out of ten this couple dynamic will have a low passion relationship will little to no sex life.

2. The couple that can’t stop arguing. This erodes their connection and stacks resentments that can create emotional detachments.

3. Relationship contains someone that always needs to be right or wants to win arguments. [Read more...]

Bored with your marriage?

One reason couples end up struggling with each other is that life together can become so dull, year after year of the same old everything. I see so many couples suffering because they have no real purpose for being together.

This can be upsetting as it can cause friction as they look for excitement but not necessarily together.

Not having a purpose for being together is such a dangerous trap to fall into.

Some couples only purpose for being together is they are a mum and a dad, and it’s not enough because one day the kids will leave home.

The traditional story I hear is when the couple first meet and it’s so exciting; they tell all their friends about this amazing person they’ve just met. They can’t stop thinking about each other, and so they magnify their excitement with fun things like parties, holidays stuff most couples like to do. [Read more...]

Can she really trust her feelings?

If someone is going to rely on their feelings to guide their life, wouldn’t it be important to understand how their feelings are actually created?

How can you trust a feeling if you don’t know what you did to create it?

Or more relevant for some, how can a person break up a family or leave a partner they once loved if they don’t know how they created the feeling they are relying on today?

Many people are too focused on blaming others for their feelings but doing this puts them out of control of themselves and their life.

Below are past clients who’s thinking was not safe for them.

When her husband tells her, he’s having an affair and wants to keep the affair partner but not leave her what does she have to think and feel to stay with him for two years of him disappearing each weekend with his lover? [Read more...]

“The importance of challenging destructive thinking”

9 out of 10 couples would stop suffering with each other if they changed the way they think about their relationship and their problems.  When a couples thinking is challenged, they can start to understand why they have been on different pages for so long.

One of the most critical aspects of my work is to challenge a couples thinking to help them get back on the same page.

The reason this is so important is the way we think and the meanings we attach to that thinking is what creates our understanding of our world and how we feel in it.

So if someone is going to create a habit of thinking in a particular way, it’s important they know if it’s going to make their life easier and happier or significantly harder.

Sadly so many people have a way of thinking their way out of a perfectly good marriage without knowing the marriage is not the problem at all.

The problem so many couples face is they struggle to fix their problems because they are limited by what they know, and it’s not enough to connect them to their truth. [Read more...]

Can a dead relationship be reignited?

The simple answer to this question is yes because I see it every day. Couples without knowing are creating a dynamic that is shutting down their connection. These couples do have the ability to learn how to create a dynamic that keeps their emotional connection alive if they want to.

When couples come to see me, my mission is to help them understand if they have the ability to create a dynamic that works for them both.

IMPORTANT: I’m not trying to fix them. I’m helping them create the knowledge they need to be able to make good decisions for themselves and their families.

You see the biggest problem people face is if you “think” you understand your problem and you leave your relationship and you’re wrong! The real problem is likely to appear in the next relationship so please understand why you’re having problems before you leap.

So many clients I see are shocked to learn they have been running the same problem for years.

When couples go through this process with me, they discover new ways of understanding and thinking about their relationship. These are unique ways they would never have considered before that help them see their problems in solvable terms.

The most consistent message I receive is “…this process is enlightening”. [Read more...]

He was about to lose her!

So this gentleman came to me upset and confused. What has happened to my marriage? What’s made her so unhappy, and why is she now speaking about leaving me?

He said, “We seemed to be fine we’ve had a great marriage ups and downs like most couples, but this is normal, isn’t it?”

“How did we get here, I thought this happened to other people, not us…”

He went on “I’m a simple man with simple needs I really don’t need that much to be happy.

I agreed with him “…., but one simple thing you want is for her to be happy, is that right?”

He agreed. “That’s why I spent so much time building the business, so she didn’t want for anything.”

I agreed with him that the money was important but. [Read more...]

“I love you – but I’m not in love with you…”

So many couples can find themselves in this situation. It’s shocking to hear this sentence, and it can cause panic. The key to this situation is to understand what they mean and what can we do about it? Is It a lost cause, can love ever come back?

Below I’m going to share what they mean and your options.

So what do you mean? Do you love me or not? Their sentence is confusing.

If someone is struggling in their marriage and has been for a while, they will have two thoughts. Firstly they will know historically they experienced love and have experienced many loving times.

This is the “I love you” part of their sentence and can be reflective of two people that love their kids.

The “I’m not in love with you” part means that TODAY their active love for you is no longer present. [Read more...]

Couples in crisis are fixing the wrong problems!

Virtually every couple I meet has been trying to fix the wrong problem in their marriage and without knowing are damaging their connection and trust in each other with every failed attempt.

If you try to fix the wrong problem, you’ll keep failing, and if you fail for long enough, one person will either look for an out or other ways to meet their critical needs.

When helping a couple out of a crisis, the most fundamental starting point is to help each person understand the real problems they are facing.

Most couples in crisis are unaware of what is driving their disconnection, and so when they try to connect, they will find their distance becomes significantly greater.

For most couples, their disconnect has been happening for years, but when emotional pain turns to suffering that person can start to either complain or they can suffer in silence emotionally detaching from their partner.

It’s critical the couple must be on the same page with why they are struggling, or both people will be trying to fix what they think is their problem. [Read more...]

My partner has just told me they don’t love me anymore – what do I do?

If your partner is telling you they no longer love you this shocking news can trigger a fear system within us that helps us behave in ways that are very unattractive and further confirms their feelings to go are correct.

In these situations, there are a few powerful behaviours you should and shouldn’t do if your goal is to get them back into the marriage.

Their loss of love doesn’t happen overnight and can be a total mystery to their partner, which leaves them feeling lost and powerless.

The things you should do, most people don’t do

…and the things they shouldn’t do, most people always do. [Read more...]

“The Bulletproof Marriage”

We all like the theory of someone being our soul mate. Someone that has our back and will love us for life, someone that’s a friend and a lover. Someone who will help us become the best of us, pick us up when we are down and cheer us on when we succeed.

Most people want a purposeful life that’s exciting with someone special.

The problem is no one that gets married is going to be able to see the future and know how they will both feel about themselves and each other.

Far too many people end up disappointed with how their life plays out and for some who they have chosen.

Many are bored either with their life or each other. [Read more...]

Getting out of a marital crisis?

I now see roughly 20 couples per week, everyone in crisis and nearing divorce. Every one of these couples has broken their marriage in very unique ways. Some are wanting to fix the marriage, some are lost not knowing what they want but don’t want to make a life-changing mistake.

Every couple needed a unique solution to help them discover what they are capable of.

This weeks catch up with a few couples who came for help: 

Couple one: In her first session she said she was at the end of the road after years of disconnection and he was in a terrible state. Divorce was on the cards, and they were both giving up.  [Read more...]

“Just tell me what to do – I’m in a broken marriage?”

A person in a marital crisis is going to be looking for answers to stop their pain and get out of their suffering. Do I stay do I go? Do I fight for my marriage, or do I start again and what about the children?

I deal with some of the most severe cases of marital crisis right on the edge of divorce.

What these people are looking for is certainly – they want to know what to do?

I set my practice up NOT to blindly fix couples problems but to give the couple the knowledge and the tools to understand the crisis they are in and gain the skills to understand what it takes to rebuild trust and repair the damage for good.

This empowers two intelligent people to make the right decision with the rest of their lives. For most, it’s to stay together and for some parting is the right decision.  [Read more...]

Stuck in a broken marriage?

So many couples are suffering in a marriage that doesn’t work for them because they don’t have the knowledge or skills needed to keep their connection alive.

It’s true keeping a passionate relationship for life is complex but it’s made significantly harder if trial and error is the model.

We do NOT have natural skills for keeping passion and love alive in a relationship this is why so many are suffering.

So couples need new information so they can effectively navigate the natural problems all couples experience.

To achieve this, there has to be a mindset shift to see a new way forward. The reason so many couples are suffering is that they are in emotional states that keep leading them to the same destructive patterns.

These destructive patterns need to be interrupted and replaced. [Read more...]

Cloé said to me “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor”

I’m not sure I quoted her correctly but my wife Cloé quoted these words to me a few weeks ago, and it instantly resonated with me in the context of what makes a successful marriage.

Most people know that marriages have the potential to lose their passion and connection over time, but they don’t know why or how to reignite what they first had when it drifts away.

The key to this problem is in learning new skills and gaining the tools that enable them to navigate the ups and downs, so they always settle back into a loving fun connection no matter what hits them.

Couples that can do this are sadly in the minority.

Anyone can have a successful marriage if there don’t seem to be any problems, but this can be a potential ticking bomb because all couples will have problems at some point.  [Read more...]

“My biggest life lesson”

Last year one gentleman asked me a great question. He said “…you deal with couples and individuals with all manner of problems and personal fears, what do you fear the most?

This was a great question, and the answer was simple.

“I would fear not being able to be my true self in the life that I have chosen.” Many people are in pain because they are loving kind caring people, but for some reason, they can’t be this in their marriage, and so they suffer.

This is one of the core problems so many couples have in their life, but it expands far further than just their relationships.

So many people are afraid to embrace their true potential, and this can affect everything. [Read more...]

Natures cruellest trick is creating consistent marital stress

Virtually every person that comes into my programs is looking for me to change their partners’ behaviours. I have rarely heard the message “my marriage is in crisis, can you help me become a better husband or wife?”

This is a shame because becoming an effective partner really is the only thing we are 100% in control of. Trying to control someone or manipulate them so they behave the way we want never works out well but sadly couples keep trying this process even though the result is bad for them both.

So the trend of message I receive is “…we’ll have a better relationship if you can fix my partner”.

He’s a bully or she’s too controlling, he’s emotionally absent or she’s got anger problems.

The ping-pong of criticism doesn’t help the couple become effective team members of their relationship. [Read more...]

The MAPS you’ll need to prevent a divorce

Today’s post is going to be a little different, I’m going to be sharing one of the key focuses I use to help couples reconnect even after years of disconnection.

One of the things we need to change in these couples is the way they think about their relationship, themselves and their partner. This needs to happen because they won’t be aware that their historical thinking is part of why they are in trouble.

So I’ll start with this thought…

If you were in New York and lost and someone handed you a map of Paris could you rely on that map of Paris to help you to make good decisions and take you to were you want to go in New York?

It’s obvious this simply wouldn’t work yet not understanding this concept is leading couples to rely on the wrong maps and this is leading so many to divorce for the wrong reason.

I’ll explain… [Read more...]

The worst personality trait that must be solved for the marriage to survive

Last year I was working with a gentleman who was a stunt pilot. He was a really great guy but he suffered from a severe problem and he was not aware of it. In fact, he was convinced his wife was the problem.

His marriage would never work if he kept this problem. As you scan this post you discover what happened to change this gentleman’s thinking – he was visibly shocked.

His problem is a problem I see a lot in varying degrees in my meeting with couples and can affect both men and women.

The root problem is rigidity in the persons thinking. In essence, the person thinks they are right and they will fight to protect those thoughts. [Read more...]

Relationship Test: 12 Common ways couples are disconnecting

With no educational system in place for what it takes to keep a marriage alive for life, we are left with couples really doing their best.

Sadly this is usually not enough to keep their connection and passion alive. So couples can unwittingly break their connection without meaning to leading to a build-up of negative energy that couples attach to each other.

So below I’m going to share some of the common mistakes couples are making without knowing.

THE RELATIONSHIP TEST below is designed to help couples understand how many of these points below are in your marriage so you can start to open up communication at home? [Read more...]

Changing destructive patterns of behaviour

When helping a couple out of a crisis one focus that’s critical is learning if either person has a destructive pattern that’s likely to stop them from becoming a valuable partner.

It’s very common for most people to have some kind of unhelpful pattern(s) that won’t support the success of their marriage.

Sometimes the pattern is due to a lack of relationship building knowledge or poor role models. Sometimes it’s due to some kind of emotionally distressing historic event that created a pattern designed to protect the person but never does and so they suffer.

The combination of both challenges can lead couples to very challenging symptoms that disconnect the couple and put trust in question. [Read more...]