People that blame others for how they feel

No one has the ability to MAKE someone feel a certain way. Or put another way, no one can run into someone’s brain and create a feeling for them.

If a person is having an emotional response to something that response is connected to their unique patterning, they have been developing from birth.

I hear many stories of people who blame their partner or others for how they feel.

This belief in itself is going to weaken the person’s confidence in themselves as they believe others could control them and what they feel, and they can attach those bad feelings to others.

What we feel is created by us and us alone, yes others can influence us and can connect us to deeper pain, but they are not the creators. [Read more...]

10 Critical Rules For Saving A Marriage From Divorce

I have spent many many years working only with couples who are in crisis and on the edge of divorce.

What I’ve learnt during this time is what works and what doesn’t that will enable a couple to learn if it’s actually possible to rebuild their marriage.

If you are struggling then this list below is the list I wish I knew when I was starting out with my own relationships. With this knowledge I could have saved my self a lot of time and discomfort.

So here are 10 rules

1. Get on the same page with your partners true perspective.

If you want a relationship to work, or you want to start to get your relationship out of a crisis, then you must hear what your partner is really saying to you. [Read more...]

How Do You Know Your Relationship Is Over?

Some people are staying in broken relationships for far too long they spend years fearful to put their hand up and share they are genuinely unhappy.

Some people share with me they did tell their partner they were unhappy, but when nothing changed they still stayed in the marriage unaware this action was teaching their partner their problems were not that bad after all.

In contrast, far too many people are making the assumption their relationship is over when in reality if they could see and connect to the root of why they feel that way they could have a very different perspective.

So understanding the end of a relationship is complex and is highly traumatic if they both don’t agree. [Read more...]

“The cost of always needing to being right in a marriage!”

Every couple that attends sessions with me are sharing very different perspectives about their relationship, and both people think their version is the truth.

They communicate to me what they both think is the problem, but very few are connected to other ways to think and see their problems, so they live in a disempowered perspective.

This can lead couples to feel their problems are impossible to solve. In so many cases, this is not true.

By helping couples to understand the core problem, they are empowered to see their problem in ways that empower both people to reconnect.

In essence, I have to expand the knowledge of both people so they can connect to their partner’s experience so they can start to add value to each other again. [Read more...]

“Emotionally unavailable partner”

I see many couples where one person has become emotionally unavailable in the relationship. The effects are incredibly damaging to the relationship as every day that passes creates more distance and damage.

So many people come to me asking “how to deal with someone who is emotionally unavailable.”

Couples that end up in this pattern try to live in this distortion but it’s like a ticking bomb waiting to wreak havoc on their lives in the form of either affairs or separation and divorce.

Below are a few different examples of how emotionally unavailable relationships are created.

The emotionally unavailable men and women that I see usually have deep-rooted fears they are trying to avoid many have no idea this is happening to them. [Read more...]

“I was so embarrassed…”

One of the common traits of marriages that don’t last is when the couple stops being a team that’s creating a purposeful and exciting life together.

Many have gone down the road of becoming more enemies in a battle than team members. So many couples stop creating and building and switch to finger-pointing, defending and blaming.

As I was thinking about today’s post and the concept of being a team, an embarrassing moment came to mind – I had an experience I will never forget.

I was on a team-building weekend. I was about 30 years old at the time.

There was a group of 18 of us, and we were split into three groups. [Read more...]

Love is not a certainty

So many people become unstuck in their relationships because they are trying to make love a certainty.

Love isn’t something you can force or manipulate. It’s not something you can buy. Love is a force that’s created through understanding how to truly become vulnerable and valuable to another person.

People who’s relationship with themselves is poor can seek out relationships with others to heal their own problems with disastrous consequences.

If anyone tries to control love, they will help it naturally die.

This is why people who habitually protect themselves from their partners through misunderstandings naturally kill a love that really should have flourished.

So many people are fearful they are not enough or they won’t be love and so they create patterns to protect them. Some are very aware of their patterns and some are totally blind to how destructive they are to themselves and the marriage they desperately want to keep.

People who have experienced a traumatic connection with their parents will struggle. If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust? [Read more...]

My partner wants to leave me!

Many people who are convinced they must leave their partner find themselves regretting that decision, so I wanted to share a new perspective to help.

When one person wants to leave a marriage, what are they really trying to achieve? For many people, they want to leave because they are genuinely suffering.

Their conclusion is they must leave to stop their suffering or leave to go to a better place. This is a natural and logical observation, but are they right?

The question they are not understanding is what has happened to help them to feel bad, is it really the other person and their marriage or is it something else?

The reality for many couples that come to see me is for them surprising. [Read more...]

Patterns that crush peoples lives

In today’s post, I’m going to share some of the hidden behavioural patterns that can feel to the individual like critical protection, but in reality, this is like a ticking time bomb ready to create the very thing they are trying to avoid.

Behavioural patterns are really designed to make our lives easier so we don’t think about them. And many patterns such as what shoe to put on first is not something we need to think about.

The dangerous pattern is the ones we create to avoid painful situations but in reality, these ill-formed outdated patterns actually create the very thing these people are trying to avoid.

Below are a few examples.

This man rolled over and let his wife take control of everything in their marriage – in his mind happy wife happy life. 

Apart from going to work, he turned into a child with her.

He did it because he thought she wanted to be in control of everything so he helped her by stepping down.

He was unaware by taking this step she had to step up and become the man in the relationship and so she could never be connected to the women she wanted to be – she hated him for this.

She was left feeling she needed to get out of this marriage. [Read more...]

Your partner is not like you – At all!

One of the biggest mistakes I see people in relationships make is they don’t take the time to really understand their partner.

Many are under the illusion their partner is like them, but they couldn’t be further from the truth.

It’s true many people get together through shared values, but keeping connected to those values is going to be a struggle if you don’t know how to translate your partners’ words and behaviours correctly.

In essence, I see great people who have turned perfectly good marriages into ones no one would want to be in.

They do this because they don’t have the skills and tools to connect to each other when it really matters, so they live disconnected.  [Read more...]

Keeping their passion for each other alive

I was working with a couple, and the topic of motorbikes came up. This lady quickly commented that she wouldn’t let him have one! He sat sad and motionless looking down, saying nothing.

I smiled at her and said, “Is he five and are you his mum?”

One of the most important energies a relationship must create is the ability for both people to be free to be who they are so they can live the life they want to live.

The moment a persons’ energy is restricted in any way that person will start to lose connection with themselves and attach those bad feelings to their partner. [Read more...]

You’ll need tools to save a marriage

Year after year, I’ve been studying the many hidden destructive patterns couples are using to take them into a marital crisis. I have studied this so I can empower couples to actually see their problems clearly so they can take action and get out of their crisis with new behaviours.

Once couples can step out of their crisis and see why they are suffering, they can start to follow simple but powerful steps that can help them reinvest in themselves and their marriage without compromising themselves.

A client this week told me this knowledge had helped him become a far better person as well as a better husband.

This message from him is not a surprise to me because for the process to work permanently; it has to connect the person back with their true self.  [Read more...]

My partner doesn’t want to fix the marriage

One of the reasons couples in crisis struggle to reconnect is because they have not acted quick enough and are either now full of confusing and conflicting feelings or have made the decision.

For me to help couples I must understand the structure of their crisis and understand the mindset of the person wanting to leave this is one of the critical elements needed to give them the best chance of discovering their truth.

Understand the perspective of the person that wants to leave is so important.

Even a person who sounds 100% verbally committed to leaving can have a small part of them that says “are you sure you’re doing the right thing?” So these people will be on a mission to look for more proof that leaving is a good idea. – They will find it!

Some thought their problem would just go away. Some just go into survival mode and shut down. Some just focus on their job or the children and don’t think past this focus.  [Read more...]

28 Early warnings couples must never ignore

Life long, intimate relationships are packed full of hidden problems that can be catastrophic to the couples ability to stay connected.

It’s critical to know early when you and your relationship is in a pattern that could be destructive to its future. Many of these patterns can be understood and overcome.

Below is a list of patterns that should never be ignored.

1. The couple that never argues. Nine times out of ten this couple dynamic will have a low passion relationship will little to no sex life.

2. The couple that can’t stop arguing. This erodes their connection and stacks resentments that can create emotional detachments.

3. Relationship contains someone that always needs to be right or wants to win arguments. [Read more...]

Bored with your marriage?

One reason couples end up struggling with each other is that life together can become so dull, year after year of the same old everything. I see so many couples suffering because they have no real purpose for being together.

This can be upsetting as it can cause friction as they look for excitement but not necessarily together.

Not having a purpose for being together is such a dangerous trap to fall into.

Some couples only purpose for being together is they are a mum and a dad, and it’s not enough because one day the kids will leave home.

The traditional story I hear is when the couple first meet and it’s so exciting; they tell all their friends about this amazing person they’ve just met. They can’t stop thinking about each other, and so they magnify their excitement with fun things like parties, holidays stuff most couples like to do. [Read more...]

Can she really trust her feelings?

If someone is going to rely on their feelings to guide their life, wouldn’t it be important to understand how their feelings are actually created?

How can you trust a feeling if you don’t know what you did to create it?

Or more relevant for some, how can a person break up a family or leave a partner they once loved if they don’t know how they created the feeling they are relying on today?

Many people are too focused on blaming others for their feelings but doing this puts them out of control of themselves and their life.

Below are past clients who’s thinking was not safe for them.

When her husband tells her, he’s having an affair and wants to keep the affair partner but not leave her what does she have to think and feel to stay with him for two years of him disappearing each weekend with his lover? [Read more...]

“The importance of challenging destructive thinking”

9 out of 10 couples would stop suffering with each other if they changed the way they think about their relationship and their problems.  When a couples thinking is challenged, they can start to understand why they have been on different pages for so long.

One of the most critical aspects of my work is to challenge a couples thinking to help them get back on the same page.

The reason this is so important is the way we think and the meanings we attach to that thinking is what creates our understanding of our world and how we feel in it.

So if someone is going to create a habit of thinking in a particular way, it’s important they know if it’s going to make their life easier and happier or significantly harder.

Sadly so many people have a way of thinking their way out of a perfectly good marriage without knowing the marriage is not the problem at all.

The problem so many couples face is they struggle to fix their problems because they are limited by what they know, and it’s not enough to connect them to their truth. [Read more...]

Can a dead relationship be reignited?

The simple answer to this question is yes because I see it every day. Couples without knowing are creating a dynamic that is shutting down their connection. These couples do have the ability to learn how to create a dynamic that keeps their emotional connection alive if they want to.

When couples come to see me, my mission is to help them understand if they have the ability to create a dynamic that works for them both.

IMPORTANT: I’m not trying to fix them. I’m helping them create the knowledge they need to be able to make good decisions for themselves and their families.

You see the biggest problem people face is if you “think” you understand your problem and you leave your relationship and you’re wrong! The real problem is likely to appear in the next relationship so please understand why you’re having problems before you leap.

So many clients I see are shocked to learn they have been running the same problem for years.

When couples go through this process with me, they discover new ways of understanding and thinking about their relationship. These are unique ways they would never have considered before that help them see their problems in solvable terms.

The most consistent message I receive is “…this process is enlightening”. [Read more...]

He was about to lose her!

So this gentleman came to me upset and confused. What has happened to my marriage? What’s made her so unhappy, and why is she now speaking about leaving me?

He said, “We seemed to be fine we’ve had a great marriage ups and downs like most couples, but this is normal, isn’t it?”

“How did we get here, I thought this happened to other people, not us…”

He went on “I’m a simple man with simple needs I really don’t need that much to be happy.

I agreed with him “…., but one simple thing you want is for her to be happy, is that right?”

He agreed. “That’s why I spent so much time building the business, so she didn’t want for anything.”

I agreed with him that the money was important but. [Read more...]

“I love you – but I’m not in love with you…”

So many couples can find themselves in this situation. It’s shocking to hear this sentence, and it can cause panic. The key to this situation is to understand what they mean and what can we do about it? Is It a lost cause, can love ever come back?

Below I’m going to share what they mean and your options.

So what do you mean? Do you love me or not? Their sentence is confusing.

If someone is struggling in their marriage and has been for a while, they will have two thoughts. Firstly they will know historically they experienced love and have experienced many loving times.

This is the “I love you” part of their sentence and can be reflective of two people that love their kids.

The “I’m not in love with you” part means that TODAY their active love for you is no longer present. [Read more...]