Saving a marriage step-by-step

So what are the steps to saving a marriage from divorce? This answer to this question is dependant on where the couple is in their current process. If you get this wrong it’s very possible to make a bad situation much worse.

A couple who both want the relationship to work require a very different strategy to a couple where one person is so detached they can’t see how the marriage could ever work. A couple who fall victim to an infidelity require a different approach to a couple where one person no longer feels they are in love with their partner.

To be clear, with the right approach many situations are solvable, but you can’t use the same strategy for all situations. I hear many inexperienced professionals working with couples and making them feel ten times worse, as they have paid the professional to watch them argue or they feel judged. [Read more...]

Listening is the most powerful thing you can do for your partner.

Listening is probably the most under developed skill I experience with couples that come for my help.

Of course they know how to physically hear, but they don’t know how to truly listen to what their partner is saying.

Some of the problem is they are so focused on what they want to say in response to their partners words they are not listening to the words their partner is actually saying.

BUT this is a small part of a much bigger problem… the real challenge is this…

What are they really hearing when their partner is speaking? [Read more...]

“The Win-Win”

For a relationship to work the couple need to be in a position where they have created a dynamic that helps both people to “WIN” within their relationship.

By “WIN” I mean both people feel connect to what they value which means they are happy with the result of their conflict, communication, situation in fact any experience they have together.

So many couples are using a ‘win-lose’ strategy which ultimately creates a ‘lose-lose’ result which means the couple are likely to be stacking resentments towards each other.

In relationships if anyone loses you both lose, because losing in a relationship creates resentments. So one person may feel they have won an argument, but the big picture is, if they have won then their partner has lost and that formula is destructive. [Read more...]

Does your partner want to leave your relationship?

When someone has decided they want to leave their relationship, or are making sounds this is what they want, it’s key to understand what is really going on within them so you can help them make a good decision for them?

I’ve written todays post to uncover what is really going on and why because it’s perfectly possible to reconnect a couple who look like they are at the end of the road once the couple understand what’s really happening to them.

So let start with the basics, many people are not aware that life is really about our ‘feelings’. We are all on a quest to achieve the feelings we want.

We like the feelings that make us feel good and we do our best to move away from ‘the things’ that create painful or uncomfortable feelings. [Read more...]

Love alone is not enough

One of the major challenges most individuals face in their relationships is understanding how to become truly valuable to their partner so their partner will feel magnetised to love them forever.

I have a huge amount of empathy for anyone in a relationship that’s not working, because I know personally how emotionally painful/confusing it is to be in this place.

I was not born understanding relationships, however I did have one philosophy that gave me a head start and the momentum to be where I am today. I understood that the most valuable part of our existence on this planet was our relationship with someone special. [Read more...]

“Please Just Tell Me The Truth…”

The real answer couples are looking for in their relationship is the truth. Why did you have the affair? Are we really compatible? Why do you keep lying to me? Am I emotionally safe with you? What made you fall out of love with me? If we try to fix our marriage, how can I trust it will last?

The truth is what sets us free in life and in relationships.

Many think that I fix relationships and that’s my job.

My real mission is to help couples/individuals discover the truth in their relationship. I do this by asking the questions that are most likely to lead both me and the couple to a deeper understanding of their relationship and why they are sat in front of me. [Read more...]

Personal development for couples in crisis

What you’re about to learn today is one of the big reasons couples in real crisis are turning their relationships around with me.

These couples have stopped their almost certain divorce through learning what you are about to read…

These couples are learning that if they want more out of their relationship then they must become ‘more’ before they make a final decision to leave the marriage. Couples who experience problems have usually become ‘less’ of who they really are in the marriage. These people are totally unaware that become less of who they really are actually creates significant personal pain for themselves.

So this means many individuals feel pain in their marriage, but they are attaching their pain to the wrong thing.   [Read more...]

How to solve impossible marriage problems

If you are feeling your marriage problems are impossible to solve this post is for you.

When a couple come to me for help, they are going to both share a story of their relationship. Each person will have a different story about the same relationship, with different perspectives of the same event(s).

Both people are likely to have attached pain to their story. They have usually been feeling this way for a while and want the suffering to stop.

My job within their process is to help them understand their core problem(s).

Couples will be experiencing problems that become their focus, such as conflict, affairs, communication breakdown, power struggles to name a few. [Read more...]

Who have you become in your relationship?

Helping a person connect with their true-self is a significant part of helping that person discover the truth in their relationship – should they stay or go? 

If your relationship is in trouble the message below is for you.

Couples living in marital crisis will both be living in versions of themselves that is not reflective of who they are. Fear is going to be very alive in one or both people.

Fear can be a very destructive force in relationships because the fear can grow to the point where resentments can take hold and create needs such as possessiveness, jealousy and control, these powerful feelings can help a person feel a need to withdraw or have a need to be right. [Read more...]

How to get your marriage back on track

In todays post I’m going to share with you two critical elements that are needed to help a couple get their marriage back on track.

Couples are coming to me with a vast array of problems and with differing degrees of severity.

Some simply want me to fix them, some are not sure what they want. Some are convinced it’s over, they are only in front of me for the sake of the children.

So if you want to get your marriage back on track then here are some important things to focus on. [Read more...]

The critical starting strategy needed to solve couples problems

Yes there has to be a strategy because all couples can’t be helped the in the exact same way. Each couple will have a very unique challenge and so their solution has to reflect this.

What’s important to understand is that all individuals have a complex layering of needs, beliefs and values that’s combined with their personal experience of their relationship so far.

This will be automatically creating their specific relationship dynamic. Their dynamic will either lead them to a connection that works for them, or to an emotional disconnection, which of course eventually leads many couple to divorce. [Read more...]

Crisis Point: Is there a way forward?

If you are in crisis and need help, my practice has a very successful history of helping couples and individuals with what they would consider to be impossible to solve problems. I’m the person that gets the call to help many high profile couples or individuals keep their stories private whilst providing swift solutions.

For many couples and individuals I do become their last hope. Many will have tried different change therapies and still do not have a solution which is frustrating.

Below are a number of cases that came for my help. Each case has a very different problem that had put them into crisis with no logical way out. My message through these stories below is, just because there doesn’t seem to be a way out of the crisis it doesn’t mean there isn’t one. [Read more...]

10 relationship illusions that can lead a couple to divorce

Principles, philosophies, ways of thinking. Whichever way you cut it just like life, relationships have simple laws that if broken will cause problems. 

The challenge we all face growing up is, we are given the idea that ‘the wrong principles are the route to a safe and happy life.

So below are a few common illusions that have the ability to create significant emotion challenges in those that practice them.

1. I have no control over what I feel

2. Loss of love is permanent 

3. Loss of love is something that just happens to us [Read more...]

What really causes a person to want to leave their relationship?

If you were wanting to save your relationship then the answer to this question is potentially gold, and the answer is not what you think. If you are thinking of leaving your relationship then this may help you understand what is happening to you.

Leaving a relationship is a big life changing step and so it’s important to understand what’s really going on to make sure the emotional distress is not creating a fog that could lead to a permanent mistake.

To be clear I agree certain couples shouldn’t be together, however far too many couples are splitting up because they are unaware of what you are about to read. [Read more...]

Couples are creating destructive dynamics under the illusion they are safer that way

If you want a relationship for life then what you are about to read is going to be critical to understand. If you are in marital crisis it’s so important to understand how you got there. In fact what you are about to read is for anyone who values relationships and wants to keep them, or save them.

The challenge all couples face is one or both people can develop a need to feel safe and secure in the relationship. They want to feel certain their partner will always love them, be there for them. All sounds reasonable so far…

To be clear, the challenge isn’t in the needing to feel safe and secure, the challenge is the way nearly everyone does it.

Remember the divorce rate is really high for a reason, [Read more...]

Attraction Attraction Attraction

What you are about to read is an important foundation that helps couples migrate from crisis to reconnection. So if saving your relationship is your goal then this will be important to learn.

Attraction is a critical part of what makes couples successful and this goal sits as a key objective when I’m working with couples who have lost their way. I know many people will think I’m talking just about physical attraction and to some degree that is important, BUT physical attraction is just one small part of the mix.

When couples first meet and that meeting generates an energy that both people enjoy, their attraction to each other is automatic, it’s an energy that naturally happens within them both.  [Read more...]

Want a better relationship?

I’m sure it’s not going to be a surprise to learn that couples with great relationships are going to be doing things very differently to those with relationships that are not working.

The question is what are they doing that’s different? What is it that actually connects couples for life? The couples that are life long connectors all have created similar behaviours. In todays post I’m going to talk about some of these key areas.

I’m going to start with what I believe sits at the heart of a successful relationship and then add in a few key elements that keep the relationship alive year after year.

The heart of a great relationship is a great friendship. This is what Cloe and I have created together, it’s what I teach in my sessions and is what I see in couples that have gone from crisis to reconnection. [Read more...]

She said she no longer loved him…

Loss of love is a very common problem that shows up in my consultations. It’s a terribly difficult problem for couples and many give up not knowing the simple steps to reigniting feelings that have died. 

As you scan through my words below you will see a snap shot of how this couple were guided out of this horrible situation.

This lady turned up with her husband. She told me she had lost her feelings for her husband.

She told me without those feelings of love she didn’t believe she could carry on the relationship. They had young children and I knew those children were the reason she was sat in front of me.

Her feelings had died and to help them I needed to know why? I also knew she didn’t know the answer to that question.

There was no affair, he was hard working, he loved the children, he had a successful business. On paper they had all the ingredients for a successful life. [Read more...]

Are we compatible?

Are we compatible? This is a very common question and one that gets asked a lot when I’m working with couples? Couples that come for my help want to know if the problems they have are fixable, or do they have some deep-seated problem hardwired into their relationship?

For most couples in crisis the reason they feel incompatible is because that’s exactly what’s happened, they have created an incompatible dynamic. Their dynamic has changed for some reason.

This change of dynamic will create feelings that one or both people simply can’t live with.

The good news is for most couples this state is not permanent once we understand the underlying cause(s). [Read more...]

Relationship problems? This is critical to know…

Today I’m going to share how one woman reconnected with her trouble teenage daughter, why a woman chose not to leave her husband and what these two stories have in common that will be affecting everyone’s relationship right now.

  • If your partners needs are different from yours and you don’t know what those differences are, how difficult would it be to connect to each other?
  • What if your partners primary needs change as they go through different life stages how confusing would that be?
  • What if a person needs are not being met, they don’t know what their needs are, or how to share them?
  • What if a person expects their partner to know what they need because they assume their partner has the exact same needs as them?

If you want to have a meaningful connection with anyone in your family then understanding and respecting what they need is critical to maintain a connection that works. [Read more...]