“You are not alone…”

In todays post we will be exploring why so many people struggle in certain areas of their lives and what they have to start to focus on to make successful changes. If you are struggling please know you are not alone.

To become successful we have to understand certain critical factors, one of which I will talk about today.

For humans to understand the world we live in we have to create internal maps. The maps we create help us navigate our world. The more we explore the world the more comprehensive the maps will become.

For example: You will have a map of how to get from your bed to the kitchen to make a drink in the morning. A heart surgeon will have a map of how to successfully replace a persons heart with a new one. Like the surgeon if you have studied you will have mastered a map in your profession. [Read more...]

If a relationship feels wrong is the relationship really the problem?

Many people are ending relationships thinking they know why only to discover months or years later that the reason they felt so bad was totally unrelated to their partner or the relationship. Some discover the discomfort gets worse when they leave for good and some discover the same problems are repeating themselves in their new relationships. 

So why does a person want to leave? If a person is in emotional pain they are focused on one mission, to escape their pain and to feel better. If they have attach their pain to the relationship then they get feelings that tell them to leave.

The question is are they right, is the relationship really the root cause of their pain?

Many people are trying to change how they feel through their environment, the chemicals they put in their body, the way they look, the stuff they buy or they try to change people in their lives. What they discover is none of it really works.

What they are missing is the most profound change only happens when they work on changing themselves. [Read more...]

Couple learn the truth about their relationship so they can decide if staying together or leaving is the right decision for them

I have just finished another Marriage Profiling Program with a couple.

The journey was intense, but fascinating as the couple started to learn about why they had been struggling for so many years and the impact that struggle had created on each other and their marriage.

Divorce had seemed like their only solution, but when the couple started to understand how their assumptions about each others past behaviours had created destructive versions of themselves, they started to question the stories they had created that meant divorce was their only solution. [Read more...]

Men and women getting lost in translation

So many couples are frustrated with each other because they have an expectation of their partner that’s almost impossible to achieve because the way they think is so different.

They expect their partner to think and feel a certain way, the truth is the differences are profound and can lead couples into problems they can’t solve.

Examples:

  • [HER] ”He won’t talk about his feelings?” (He feels bad enough why would he want to go over it again and again he will only feel worse, why would he want that? He want’s to solve it quietly on his own and get rid of it fast)
  • [HIM] ”She won’t stop talking about her feelings?” (She needs to talk about them because it helps her to feel better through connecting with those that say they care for her)

Another…. [Read more...]

You just don’t care about me!

She was desperate, she had tried and tried to get through to him. In the early days he did his best to comfort her, she liked the attention, but she knew deep down he didn’t really understand her.

As time passed she tried to get through to him, but his patience worn thin, no matter what he did she was miserable, rude and aggressive. He felt controlled, disrespected and untrusted. He tried to fix her problems, but she lacked respect for him and his efforts. He felt life with her was hopeless, he knew communication was fruitless so he stopped.

This worried her and so she became more upset, she said things she didn’t mean through frustration, she hoped he would wake up to her emotions. He didn’t, the more upset she became the more he retreated. Sometimes through frustration he would attack her verbally other times he would shut down and escape, sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally. [Read more...]

I have tried but I know he/she will never change

In yesterdays post I asked you to look after your relationship.

I wonder how many of you put those words into action? My guess is only a few, if you are one of them I congratulate you.

If you didn’t then I would like to help you because you could have a good reason why you didn’t.

  • It could be your partner doesn’t show they love or care for you?
  • It could be that you were too busy?
  • It could be that you don’t love them anymore and your looking for a way out?
  • It could be why should I give when they never do?
  • I am always the one trying, he/she never tries.
  • I don’t feel important to my partner, so why should I? [Read more...]

Your relationship is valuable so please look after it…

I see all relationships as the most valuable part of the human experience and I know those people who have chosen to work with me feel the same.

I know if I were speaking from the children’s perspectives they would give us a very clear message of how valuable it is to have their real mum and a dad in their lives.

When you look at the end of a couples relationship the law has a very clear perspective of how to see the value of your relationship broken down in monetary terms.

But all this focus on the money you will lose doesn’t take into account the emotional impact on all those involved.  If children are part of a couples life the impact a divorce can have on them in later life is far greater than many know (which most parents are not aware of). [Read more...]

I’m so sick of this…

One of the challenges couples face is when a partner brings what they call facts to the table and their partner disagrees. The couple can ping-pong and escalate out of control as both fight their corner.

So to be clear the persons feelings about what they are communicating will be true, but the facts as they communicate them will be perceptual based on many filters all humans use to create meaning.

Please remember that our mind is not a voice and video recorder.

If 100 people watch the same movie each person will create their own meaning and experience. This means we have 100 perceptions of the same fact. [Read more...]

How To Save Your Marriage Alone!

If you want your marriage to work and your partner won’t seek help what do you do? This post is about how to save your marriage alone.

How you can make a difference in your relationship even if your partner doesn’t want to try?

The starting point is this: You have to know it is possible to save your marriage on your own, but you’re going to have to make some changes in the way you listen, understand your partner and how you behave. [Read more...]

Marriage Help For Couples With Marriage Problems

If you’re having marriage problems and you’re struggling to solve it, your going to need marriage help before the problem gets too serious. Most couples in trouble have usually experienced problems that keep coming back and this is because of one key problem…

You are both doing something that’s potentially destructive without knowing.

So if you’re both not aware of how you’re contributing to the marriage negatively then this means the foundations of the marriage are compromised. [Read more...]

When does a relationship start to die?

Many relationships are dying long before the couple realise there is a real problem.

Some people will bury their heads in the sand and do nothing hoping that any problems they have will just go away and some will start a search.

So what is the danger sign that you need to look out for? What is the one thing that’s guaranteed to accelerate your problems?

Many people are watching their partners every move, or watching what their partner says and does. They start to piece together all the things that are wrong in their relationship and they find more and more things that could equal their partners don’t love them or care enough.

So as these people start their search what should they be looking out for? [Read more...]

Successful Marriages Don’t Just Happen…

Couples with problems all suffer from the same basic challenge. You see if a marriage is to survive then the focus of the individuals has to change.

Take a moment and think about the type of relationship that equals the one that you really want, the one that will fill you up, the one that will help you to feel all those emotions you long for.

Now ask yourself another question, who do I have to be to attract that relationship into my life?

Many people are disappointed with the way their partner behaves. [Read more...]

Do You Want To Get Out Of Your Marriage?

Are you unhappy with the way your marriage has been? Maybe you feel trapped and you want to leave, but guilt keeps you together.

You may feel cheated that you were promised one thing and now you have something different.

You may feel you partner is selfish, or just focused on what they want.

You could feel insignificant or you could feel your partner is just lazy or uncaring. [Read more...]