Signs we have relationship problems…

June 14, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

I love my partner, but it’s just not working anymore! Is this you? If you and your partner love each other, but are just not getting on there is good news for you.

With the right focus and understanding a very fast shift can put you both back on track. You see most couples come for help far too late and so it just takes longer to build up the trust, respect and rebuild that intimate connection again.

So if they leave it too long they will feel so numb that leaving the relationship now feels far less painful and so an attractive option so please don’t ignore problems and never assume they have gone away. Many men have sat in my sessions very upset to have been asked for a divorce when they never knew there was a problem.

The reality was they thought the problems had gone away months or years before, but within her the problems were getting bigger, but she had stopped communicating because she saw no point.

So if you are still in love with each other, but are struggling NOW is the time to deal with this. These are the key signs to look out for… [Read more...]

Filed Under: Communication Problems, Couples coaching, Passionless Relationships, Relationship Advice Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

The most important lesson…

March 27, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If you don’t have the life you want today, one of the most important things to change about you is your attitude. Change your attitude about your past and do it fast. If your past is anything other than a school of learnt experiences that you can grow from, then you are in for a tough ride in the future.

Yes your life may have been full of knocks, maybe you had poor parents, or no guidance, maybe your partner left you for someone else, maybe you lost your business, or you just feel unlucky…

What do you want to happen? Do you want the next 5 years to be the same as the last?

Tell me this what will you gain from thinking about how you have been wronged over and over again. Will this lead to your happiness? [Read more...]

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How to remain positive when you just want to give up

January 19, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Do you have some days when you just want to give up. Relationship is up and down, work is getting more demanding, keeping up with all the things you know you should do seems impossible, you can’t remember the last time you had sex and you’re so fed up it doesn’t seem to matter, life is just a bit #@$>!

We all have those days, weeks, months, when the world seems to be against us. It’s not that we’re lazy, it’s like there is an overwhelming feeling of what’s it all for? You feel somewhat helpless…

I expect you look at relationship coaches and counsellors and psychologists and make the assumption that their lives are some how perfect. Rest assured we all face relationship challenges just like everyone else.

No matter how good you are at understanding human behaviour even the very best cannot help themselves or their partners to feel good in the moment all the time.

I remember before I really understood how relationships work and why they don’t, how out of control things can feel. Of course today for me is very different as 95% of what happens is much easier to deal with the other 5% needing some thought.

I have no doubt that sometimes you just want to scream as yet more relationship problems land at your feet. So I expect when you read this blog that explains how to deal with your partner or you read about how happy couples are after working with me your natural reaction could be jealousy, anger, hurt, frustration.

If you experience a negative force within you understand this: Your mind can be a force that can work with you, or against you and you have the power to choose.

One of the reason why couples are so successful with me is not because they are any better than other couples. The reason is they never gave up. They never gave up, no matter how tough the sessions became, or how much they felt they hated their partners for what they had done.

They kept going even when they didn’t want to. They believed they could make things right even when they didn’t know how.

Even when I gave them things to do that didn’t work at that moment, they kept going. The biggest killer is when individuals doubt themselves, doubt that they are enough for the relationship, not attractive enough, not lovable, not a good enough mother or father.

Even when friends and family jump to their defence telling them, their partner is not good enough for them and share their version of what they should do based on what their life experience tell them they should do, they never listen and never give up.

The answers are within you and your relationship. But as you know there are many different versions of you and some will hurt you and some will give you happiness.

Know which one is making decisions before you press the button on your relationship.

Turn your focus to where you want to go and not where you have been. Your past is simply a series of memories based on the state you are in at any given time and the meanings you gave it from that state.

Your history is not the fact you think it is there is much you do not understand or may have missed.

Remember your life is a series of perceptions. When you learn how you can create the ones that enable you to be the emotional state that will support your personal and relationship growth only then will you accept tough days and put actions in place to experience the world just the way you want to.

Your future is really down to you, if you want to understand your relationship and life then the biggest hurdle is to understand and conquer you.

Then being positive when life gets challenging is never as hard again.

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What are the weapons in your relationships

January 18, 2011 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

Many relationships are suffering today because as the individuals in the relationship start to feel something is not right for them they use certain behaviours to help them feel safe again.

The behaviours are the tools that individuals have learnt that keeps the relationship together, but in a way that makes them both unhappy.

The couple maybe experiencing a conflict of not knowing what to do. If they stay in the relationship they are in pain, miserable, if they leave the relationship they cannot imagine life without their partner.

The weapons that people use can range from humor to threats to leave, from withholding intimacy to running away.

They use these tools as leverage to get what they want from their relationships. The problems is the weapons or tools are being used to re-balance the relationship from a place of fear.

A fear of life not being the way the individual wants it to be. So the actions and result all come from and create a distortion of the truth in the relationship.

The key to helping relationships is to help the couple feel safe enough and incentivised enough that there is a better way to achieve the security they both desire whilst creating harmony.

Is this happening in your relationship?

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Relationship Advice: Reverse Polarity

January 15, 2011 By Stephen Hedger 2 Comments

Reverse polarity is a when a couple finds themselves in a relationship where the woman is the strong, driving force, more masculine than feminine. The man is usually more feminine in his approach in the relationship maybe wanting a quiet life and just going with the flow even if he does not want to.

What seems strange is at work however he could be strong and respected he could even be a leader on some level. The woman could also connect with her feminine side with friends and children. So day-to-day life does actually bring out their true polarity yet in their relationship they switch back.

Lots of relationships work this way and no one is qualified to judge them, couples that live this way and are happy have no need or desire to change for them it works.

The problem arises when one, or both people in the relationship are not happy, but don’t know why. Reverse Polarity could be the cause, because the what the individuals in the couple really want is to be more of the gender they are designed to be, consciously this will not stand out as the problem and so the problems will present themselves in different ways.

The woman may complain at the man about day-to-day stuff, the man will shut down or remove himself in some way this create a bigger gap between the couple as she becomes stronger to cope and he becomes more beaten knowing he can never please her.

For example: A woman can resent her partner for not being the man in the relationship. She wants desperately to connect with that vulnerable, soft version of herself. But the thought of doing so scares her, because she has a fear that she will not be safe if she does. She needs that masculine strength and power to cope with life. At some point in her life she learnt this.

She could have come from a divorced family or she may have created the masculine versions in past relationships to cope with being mistreated or her current relationship could have created this tough version of her.

He has also learnt his behaviours either from a dominant mother or maybe a string of relationships where he felt he could never please his partners and so he gave up. He will have a burning desire to please his partner, but will find he never can and so he gives up.

Couples that first meet in this place have a huge connection and a passionate chemistry because the reverse polarity creates a unique attraction for them. BUT, it is usually not long before one of them goes to a place of fear, because something does not feel right and they either split-up quickly, or distort themselves to cope with their relationships.

They create a relationship that is one big compromise, never really connecting with who they are, but too scared leave the relationship. In a strange way this for them becomes home and it’s likely eventually to be devoid of all passion.

Like brother and sister, but also not… She might say to friends… “ I have him well trained” and he will have lost his spark seemingly going through the motions, maybe using disrespectful humor to cope with his dominant partner.

It becomes a strange mix of a lack of respect with no desire to be apart for those who hit the “wall” and decide to stay and accept that this is good enough, better the devil you know.

Do you wish your man could be the man in your relationship and keep you safe, and love you no matter what. Or are you a man that has lost his masculine energy and you feel that whatever you do you cannot please her.

If this is you I can help…

Filed Under: Couples coaching, Relationship Advice, Relationship Advice For Her, Relationship Advice For Him Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

A Moment In Time Causes Destruction

December 17, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

I have many clients come to me with what seems like very confusing problems. They seem to have it all, yet they also seem hell bent on destroying their lives and marriages, but they tell me they no longer want to life to be this way, but still carry on.

To them what they are doing seems normal, but to the outside world everyone can see the pain they are causing themselves and those they say they love.

Maybe you or your partner are experiencing this very thing.

There is of course many reasons why this can happen, but the over riding reason is because the individual does not feel safe and is running a pattern that they have learnt that will give them security again.

This is why victims of abuse struggle so much in later years. Every time they feel unsafe they run the patterns that were designed to cope with a moment in time.

The problem is that very often the pattern they run is out dated.

What’s critical to know is what you or your partner is attempting to get to. It could be love or security.

But they could be trying to get to it through anger, depression, running away, or a contradiction of other core values such as respect or honesty.

All these are responses to a fear that feels very real to them.

A decision about what patterns we use to live our lives usually happen naturally, but when situations are perceived as threatening in some way, it’s this high level of emotion that creates a need to feel safe again fast.

A pattern will be created at this point to cope and be brought into play whenever life creates a situation that feels similar.

In reality what this means is an adult can behave like a child when they don’t feel safe as they run an old pattern to get back to safety or love.
The problem is this old outdated pattern will not work no matter how many times they run the pattern. But because they were not consciously aware they created this pattern, they feel that what they are doing is normal so they relentlessly run the pattern over and over again, slowly destroying everything including themselves.

They can become depressed, angry, guilty, blame others, run away, overly control and behave in many more destructive ways..

Is this happening to you, do others keep telling you to stop what you are doing, but to you it feels normal?

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Are we compatible?

December 15, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 3 Comments

When a couple comes to me for help, the question I have to understand is does the couple have genuine core compatibility problems, or do the individuals in the couple have a relationship problem with themselves which in turn is causing relationship problems.

The latter is usually the case.

If you have been following this blog you will have read the last few posts which have helped you to understand that what you focus on is what you will get.

So if you believe your partner is the problem then firstly you will look for all the ways that they are the problem (If what you have just read now automatically directs you to what your partner has been doing rather than what you have been doing, then as you can see, you are a big part of creating your problems).

Finding problems is far too easy and so you will consider your discoveries as proof, but you will be setting both you and your partner up to fail, this will be your focus and so in your quest to change them they will resist, you will see this resistance as further proof, that they are the problem.

Your focus needs to change for your relationship to succeed.

If you want your partner to change, the first thing you have to do is to change yourself first.

Focus your mind towards to how you can be more of the person/partner you want to be and turn your focus away from the problems you both seem to face.

If your partner needs more of something then ask them what it is and give it to them it’s your responsibility.

You are 100% responsible for the success or failure of your relationship.

If you pull love away or look for ways to punish them expect more problems or pain to hit you fast.

Is today the day to be honest with yourself, do you like who you are and how you are behaving? Are you always focused on what you want or is your focus on what you don’t?

A distorted you will be a focus on all that’s wrong in your life, and as if by magic will give you everything you don’t want in buckets.

So if you are unhappy, find out where your thoughts are focused most of the time in the context of what is wrong for you.

Remember if you have problems it’s very likely you are the cause on some level.

Become part of the solution not part of the problem and start it today!

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Classic Relationship Goal For Success

December 5, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

If we want to be successful in our relationships, what goals do we need to focus on?

This answer is really very simple, your goal is to help your partner feel great about themselves in the context of you.

This is a very simple principal.

If your partner feels bad about themselves when they are around you, what happens is they attach those bad feeling to you and they then have to fight a need to get away from you.

If you help them to feel worse then they start to loose the will to fight and now they have a desire to run away from you.

Help your partner feel amazing, valued, loved, secure, significant by constantly giving them all then need and watch your relationship transform.

You did this when you were dating it worked then, so have a think, you stopped practicing this and now the relationships not as good as it was back then.

After all you say you love them so why not, put actions to your words and prove it’s true.

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Values: The Key To A Passionate Love Life

December 3, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

When a couple has a values conflict the first thing to go is their sex life.

Many people see VALUES as just a list of words and as a simple list, yes you could say they are important, but miss the immense power they hold to change your life for ever.

If used incorrectly values can cause depression, anxiety, relationship break ups, abuse, violence, anger and many many more problems.

When values are understood and lived by life takes on a success they could never have imagined. People close to suicide discover a new lease of life. Victims of abuse discover how to give themselves security.

All the greats this world has seen understood the massive power of understanding and applying their values to their life consciously.

It’s really simple: If you don’t understand your values and your partners values then expect a traumatic rollercoaster.

It’s bad enough for one person who has no concept of their values for life, but two people attempting to live together will soon run into big trouble.

Values are the most important words you will ever learn, because they mean so much to us that they become a compass for our lives.

Many couples come to me with a conflict of values, they claim that certain values are important yet they fail to live by what they say is important to them.

It’s like a smoker that claims health is important, but carries on smoking. Something nags at them and so they talk about giving up for years but never actually do it. It’s the values nagging!

Couples claim that love is important yet they punish and hurt each other. They claim that trust is important and then they act in an untrusting manner that scares their partner to trust them even less.

It is this total lack of living by the values and standards that help couples fail.

If you are unhappy then the chances of you suffering from a conflict of values is really high. If you are having relationship problems the first place to start is with yourself. Become the best partner you can be by living by what you say is important and then help your partner through their problems.

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How To Make A Relationship Work

October 26, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

Millions of people globally are searching for information every month that can help them understand the answer to the question – How to make a relationship work?

Experts across the global can agree on one thing, and that is you have to get to know you first, and understand what you need to be happy so you can communicate those specific needs to your partner.

After all your partner is not a mind reader.

Getting to know the real you sounds great, but how do you really get to know you. What or who can really help us understand who we really are and what we really need?

Some people believe going travelling will work, some go to self-help seminars, some spend time alone, some have many partners. There are many strategies, but do any of them really work?

The answer is yes and no, because you can get to know one version of you, the version of you that always knows what to do when the pressure is off, but what about the version of you that crumbles when life gets tough.

You see there is not just one version of YOU! In fact there are 20+ different versions of you that live by very different rules. These different versions will create different futures for you, some not as good as others some amazing and some really destructive.

Getting to know them all and understanding the versions and their purpose is your real BIG goal that will help you understand why you do what you do and help you understand when you are being destructive.

The version of you that causes real problems is going to be a fearful version of you, a version that will distort the world and limit you whilst giving you the illusion of balancing your life to feel normal.

This is the version that lets you down when you need it most. Just imagine knowing which version of you that will always create great futures and discovering by choice how to be that person.

  • Do you want to discover the real you? If so I run self discovery sessions it takes about 2 hours per person. If you are interested please let me know. Click here
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You Can’t fail If You Know This

October 24, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

What is the one thing that makes the difference in every relationship without fail. What is the one thing that if not done will always cause problems. What is the one thing that will always create happiness?

There is one thing, and in all the coaching sessions I have ever done where someone is not happy with their relationship or their life, this one thing has always been the cause.

  • The inability to live by what they say is important to them. If anyone sets themselves a standard and they don’t live by that standard they will always be unhappy, without fail, every time!

The reason people don’t live to their highest standards is because they are fearful that something bad will happen to them if they do. The trouble is they are not consciously aware of all this going on so they carry on hurting themselves.

In some cases they have the ability to make sure they stay stuck in this poor standard of living by saying this is just how I am.

Are you living life to your highest standards?

An example: We all believe that honesty is important, but is it important some of the time, or all of the time? In the context of a relationship is honesty important?

I’m not talking about the small silly stuff, I’m talking about why someone might walk on eggshells in their own home, why someone would bully someone, or be bullied and stay. Why someone would constantly accept bad behaviour just to keep the peace. Why someone would run away every time life isn’t the way they want it to be.

None of these behaviours are honest on either side, but more than that, they are not respectful either. In fact this way of living creates a prison for both people neither of them free, neither of them at peace with themselves or each other.

Fears create the fear

If two people in a relationship could understand this their fears actually create their biggest fear. The solution is simple, drop the fears and live by what you truly believe in.

You won’t die, what will happen is you will discover an honest strength and courage to be the person you have always wanted to be, in the life you have always wanted to live.

  • Don’t look back in fear, you have done that long enough, know what’s true and start living that truth today!
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Why Is Change So Hard?

October 23, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If you look at yourself, family, friends and at nature what you will discover is millions of patterns of life doing the same things every day thoughout the year. We and the world revolve around these patterns.

  • Our survival is based on patterns, as we constantly look for all that is familiar so we feel safe.

These patterns are associated with survival deep within us as the world we live in continues to grow millions of years later with patterns strong enough for life to grow and evolve into the world we know today.

When we react to the world we automatically create patterns that to us equal survival for us as individuals, we do this without knowing, but some of these patterns may not be good for us, but they some how become part of our make-up.

  • Drinking, drugs, overeating, lying, cheating, anger, depression this list is endless…

I will use the pattern of anger as an example, someone who is brought up in a angry home will see this as the automatic pattern to run if they experience something they don’t like.

Anger becomes their pattern.

When someone discovers that anger is actually destroying their lives, giving it up is really hard. The mind is reluctant to let go of this pattern because it has enough proof so far that the pattern of anger has contributed to their survival so far.

Of course this is an illusion, but the mind will protest the more they try to get out of the old pattern and into the new one.

It is worried that if they practice the new pattern for long enough it will stick and become the new pattern and then you might die.

  • That’s right… If your mind thinks that you will die if you change, can you now see why change is so hard.

This is why through coaching we have to help the mind understand that change is safe and easy, this is why coaching accelerates whatever it is the client wants to change through accelerated learning.

  • The result is that change is easy, it’s just the knowing when it’s safe to change, is what takes the time.
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Self Control Or Out Of Control

October 19, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Are you out of control? Is the world responsible for not giving you the life you think you deserve? Clients come to me with a massive range of personal and relationship problems. One of the questions I ask is how do they create their own feelings.

So if a client has anger, or depression, or a fear, the question is…/h3>

  • How do they do depression?
  • How do they create anger?
  • What has to happen for fear to be possible?
  • What has to happen within them for those states to be possible?

Are you in control of your life or do you live constantly in reaction out of control?

Many people feel that situations create their feelings or someone else makes them feel a certain way, if this were a fact then if 100 people were subjected to the same situation they would all feel exactly the same way. Of course this is not possible because 100 people would experience something totally different no matter what was presented to them.

So this means that all individuals create totally unique experiences, and so their feelings and emotional responses are created by them, and not by the external event.

So when someone is shouting at you “YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY” you know that it is their interpretation of what you have done that has created a version of them that is angry at you. You did not create the anger within them, they did.

  • Do you really believe that you are so out of control that someone else has the power to control you? Or is the real truth that you are allowing them to control you? Because that’s a big difference.

Whilst people are in these poor states, if you tell them that they are responsible for how they feel it usually results in a negative response. However once they see this to be true then they start to see that if they are creating their emotions and responses then maybe there is a possibility that they can control them.

This then sets them free from all of their suffering as they start to practice the reverse of what has been making them feel so bad.

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How To Get My Partner To Change

October 14, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Thank you for all of your questions regarding your relationships problems. One of the questions that kept coming up was about how to change your partner.

Many relationship experts would frown at this question because trying to change someone to be who you want them to be so you can be happy smacks of controlling behaviour…however…

As you go about your daily life you know that there is many versions of you created by differing life conditions. So an individual may notice that their partner has changed and just wants the old them back and this is wanting change for good reasons.

For example: A woman married with children and has a career creates very different versions of herself to cope with everyday life conditions and so she changes to get the best out of all the situations she finds herself in. She can shift from mummy to best friend to important business decisions to sex with her husband all in one day. All of those scenarios require a very different versions of her to make that happen.

When a change happens where she feels out of control she can become fearful and so now she will go into a fearful version of herself.

Example: Let’s say she fears her relationship failing, this changes her even more, and so each of her normal life conditions (work, parent, daughter, friend, wife) now feel very different to her so therefore her behaviours start to change. Inside her she will start to see the world differently and she feels that everything feels wrong.

If she stays worried or fearful for a long time what can happen is she can become stuck in this distorted version of herself without knowing and without a clue of how to shift it.

So when her partner talks about wanting her to change what he really wants is for her to get back to the happy version of her which will be good for her and obviously for him.

The problem happens when one person goes into a fear state the other can follow confused as to what’s going on. This can happen to men and women equally.

The best way to change your partner to be happy again is to be the best partner you can be. Love and support them though their problems and don’t follow them into a place of fear where if practised for long enough you can both become very good at it and be constantly on red alert for problems.

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Why Are People In Relationships Totally Lost?

September 28, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If you were in Madrid, but you thought you were in London how long would it take you to get to New York?

  • The answer is a very long time, even with a map, in fact the map would just add more confusion.

A relationship is also a journey

Relationships have the same problem because people in relationships do not know how to communicate where they are emotionally, because their emotional states can change so frequently. People can also get stuck in emotional states due to prolonged and challenging life conditions.

BUT to make things worse people in relationship also don’t make relationship goals or plans and so now we have two people in different places emotionally with no direction.

  • If you think about a relationship in this way, the possibility for chaos is really high. So the individuals feel frustration, more fears, anger, resentment, because they are not getting to a place they have not defined to themselves let alone their partner, but in this place they will make their relationship wrong!

Get clear on where you really are

This is why my first job with any couple or individual is to understand where they are today and where they really want to be and why.

Once we have a clear focus on todays reality plus a clear direction and how to know when the individual or couple have arrived at their destination, then a clear plan can be put in place to help them.

Lost couples examples

  • If a couple were dating and they did not understand how they both work and how to communicate their needs and where they want their life to go and the sort of person they want to be. The chances of them becoming unhappy when it does not happen are high.
  • If a couple has an amazing relationship today they won’t go in search of how to keep it that way until it’s too late. The are blind to the journey they are on and getting lost is highly probable and so knowing where you both are every day combined with where you want to go is critical.
  • A couple in crisis not knowing where they are will assume they are in their true selves and so will communicate this to their partner who also believes the fearful version is their true self. Of course this map of truth is only true in that moment and is not reflective of the non-fear version of that individual. If all the different versions is only defined as one person then a very distorted perception can be created of their partner.

Again more lost people.

Admitting you are lost is never a great place to be and so we never like to face that truth, but when you become honest that you are lost, this create the question “where am I really, where do I want to be and how do I get there?”

From here different questions get asked and an openness to explore other perspectives and possibilities in yourself and your relationships free people from their own prison of fear and hopelessness.

  • Fearful versions of you can only limit you and so growth becomes impossible.

From a place of honesty you can take control of you, your life and your relationship and being lost is now only temporary as confusion in situations build maps of more understanding to guide you through the journey of life.

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How To Avoid Splitting-Up?

September 15, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

One of the biggest challenges that any couple in trouble faces is their own perceptions and beliefs about their relationships and their problems.

This is because after time spent focused on their problems a couple can get a distorted vision of their relationship and how it fits into what they thought their life should be like.

Unfortunately from this place they can decide that splitting up is their best, or only option… BUT! Just because they can’t find a solution it does not mean there isn’t one.

The question that gets to your truth is this…

  • How can we trust our perspective if we don’t know how our perspective is created
    and specifically what influences it?

OUR PERSPECTIVE… equals a meaning we give an event(s) based on our own life experiences so far, our state of mind at the time, our values for what’s important to us, the rules we have attached to our values.

Our perspective is also influenced by how we are meeting our needs that we maybe meeting yet conflicting with our most critical values for happiness.

When you consider all this plus how we generalise and distort information to fit our belief systems that were set up unconsciously, how can anyone trust in a state of fear (which is where most couples in trouble are) know as a fact that splitting up is the best decision and will make them happy?

The simple answer is they can’t..!

All they know is today they are not happy and they don’t want to feel that way any more.

This is why my first job as a relationship coach is to help all my clients understand the truth about their relationship before any decisions can be made…

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We Have Nothing In Common!

September 4, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Is our relationship a mistake… I get many letters from individuals that are frustrated with their relationships because they feel that they have nothing in common with each other and so they think they must now be incompatible.

So have they suddenly lost what they had? Did one of the couple suddenly stop liking something they once shared.

  • No, what’s happened is the couple has lost it’s purpose and so the relationship became directionless. All the excitement in the early days such as dating, holidays, weekends away, marriage, houses, babies… and then nothing…!

They stop dating, the sex life starts to die, they feel the passion for each other has left, and every day is becoming predictable and boring and they start to blame each other and the relationship.

They both go to a place of fear where the future not what they imagined where they feel unsafe, unloved, alone. When they go to this place they start to search for proof that all this is true. It’s not long before they find it and so scared they go outside the relationship to get their needs met to protect themselves from this future, not yet ready to leave their partner but prepared for if it happens.

  • When this happens the couple feels distant to each other wondering where the love has gone, now sure they have made a mistake.

Where is your partner going to get their needs met now?

All the things they used to get from the relationship now has to be met outside the relationship if they feel they can’t get what they need from you, of course this works both ways .

  • So if you want excitement, maybe a now night out with the friends is now more exciting than your partner.
  • Maybe you are working more and more, because you feel more valued there than you do at home.
  • Maybe you look for love from your children or you family because you don’t get the love you need from your partner.
  • Maybe you have felt an attraction to others and secretly want to act upon it. Maybe you have acted and now you regret it.

If you are getting what you need outside the relationship then one, or both of you has stopped doing what worked when you first met. It’s not that you have nothing in common, it because both of you have stopped giving each other what you need to be really happy.

When you first met you gave you partner everything they needed without knowing and because you didn’t know what you did that triggered the love the joy the passion you think you did nothing except just be you.

Because you are still just being you, you are confused as to why the relationship is dying and so you must be incompatible.

If you had the chance would you want to make this right again..?

Stephen Hedger helps couples understand what changes will re-ignite their relationship. Most couples don’t know what changed and they fear the future. If they believe their own hype, they can end their relationship even if they have children. If this is you please get in touch click here

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Prevention or Cure which is best?

August 28, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

I’m sure that the logical side of all of us will agree that prevention of any problem we have is far better than putting ourselves through a problem and then having to find a cure.

So if this really makes sense then why do most couples choose to not look to for answers to what equals success for their relationship before the problems hits them.

The reasons are many, but here are a few…

  • It’s unromantic to put our relationship under the microscope
  • They are scared to look in case they find something they don’t like
  • They don’t believe anyone could help them
  • We are different and so we will never get to the point of splitting up

The problem is, if any couple goes into a relationship believing that they will not face challenges they will be massively deluding themselves, because we all do, no matter how good your relationship is.

What is, or could impact your relationship?

Assumptions, poor communication, fears, other people, work, family again there are many, many more who all have a massive impact on us from day-to-day and this impact will create a shift within us without us knowing.

At this point we can move from being in the version of ourselves where the world is always great, into the version of fear.

From here the world looks very different and if you live here for long enough, and you and your partner don’t know what to do, you can start attaching your fears to your relationship and without meaning to spend the next few years sabotaging each other without knowing as you try to get back to the place where everything was amazing.

  • FACT: No great decisions ever come from the version of you that is in a fear state.

The really smart people know there is a lot they don’t know, so…

The smart people know that these situations will happen and so they seek information and guidance to ensure that whatever comes up, they are able to notice the danger before it happens and help each other become realigned with each other critical needs and more importantly their most important values that equal happiness.

Most people don’t understand what these are, or how they work and if that’s you then please get in touch because the impact of not understanding this is massive, and is one of the biggest contributors to relationship break-ups from thousands of couples who all thought they were different and special.

It would never happen to them… BUT IT DID!


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The Perfect Partner

August 27, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 2 Comments

Have you always dreamed of being with the perfect partner?

The person that is 1000% committed to you only. A person who is committed to serving you everyday to ensure that all your needs are met, and that you are on a journey to be the person you have always wanted to be and they support you on that journey through your life together.

A partner that works with you every day to grow your relationship to be one where unconditional love exists. Where you receive so much that is critical for you to feel happy, that you never have to take and you are accepted just the way you are.

A person who helps you to feel secure that no matter what happens you will always be together, united against the whole world if you need to be.

  • A person who never makes you wrong, and is never your judge.
  • A person who makes you feel like the most important person in the world all the time in all situations.
  • A person who shows you unconditional love regardless of what you do to them.

A person who is committed to give your relationship a purpose and grow your relationship to be one filled with all you desire from emotional to physical needs.

Someone who makes your life fun, and provides you with a life full of the adventure, passion and excitement.

Your perfect partner is one that gives and gives, and never asks for anything in return and they do this because they love you beyond words.

Does this sound like someone you would like to be with?

If when you read this it sounds like the relationship you want to have, then I will show you how to get it no matter if you are married or dating… here goes…

  • The answer is simple, be this person yourself first.

You have to be the perfect partner before you will ever attract a person that is capable of being this for you. If you are in a committed relationship already you have to show your current partner how to give you what you want through example, do this and they will follow your lead without even realising.

Be the example that equals perfection to you.

In other words if you desire a higher standard of relationship from your partner, be sure that you meet that standard yourself first.

Until you do this your relationship will always be less than what you really want.

.

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How To Take Control Of You

August 20, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If you want to get control over your life and relationship then this is critical to understand because what you are about to discover will change your future.

Imagine a fast-moving car, and now remove a control such as the steering wheel and watch how the car reacts to the road changing direction with pot-holes, going faster downhill, slower up hill, bashing itself as tries to go around unexpected obstacles, and after a while eventually crashes.

When you consider how irresponsible that situation is because of the danger to others, I want you to now imagine that the people around you, are that out of control car with no way to steer and they are crashing, hurting themselves and others. I know that you have seen or experienced this as people looking for happiness have come in and out of your life and left their mark on you or those you care about.

So if you are not in control of you, what is?

If you are given no way to understand how you work and why, then the world or others will decide your future and who knows what might happen, no one wants to be out of control, but the problem is most people are and they don’t know it.

Moment to moment we are reacting to the world and what’s in it. Every second the world around us changes and our states tend to change with those events.

Our “state” or “how we feel” is our reaction to that world and others, so you might at any given moment experience anger, depression, happiness, anxiousness, relaxed etc.

These feelings are what we call our “states“.

Our state at any given moment is the sum of all our past experiences, our values for living, the rules that govern those values and our beliefs, combined with our physical / chemical health.

So have you noticed that the same situation can create totally different reactions in either yourself or others on different days?

For example you may spill something one day and just clean it up with out a thought, but if you are feeling ill or stressed that same situation will just send you into anger as you feel in that moment the world is against you.

IMPORTANT: What’s important to know is our state is the start of us giving any situation a meaning and our meanings are the start of our decisions and our decisions are what craft our destiny or futures.

So if someone is out of control of how they feel just like the car they live everyday in total reaction to the world. These people will be out of control, but think they are normal and so they create a future that will hurt them, some might end up turning to substances to change their states some may seek help.

  • For example this is why people love drinking so much, in an instant they feel happy and their fears disappear, they will use drink because they don’t yet know how to create the same states themselves without it.

Who is likely to live this way? Most of the population are living this way.

Most people don’t understand even what a value really is, but they have set-up values without knowing.

They also don’t know they have designed rules for those values, they don’t know that they have negative values, again set up without knowing and these are stopping the positive one being met. They don’t understand yet that the order of how they meet their values will change their world dramatically.

And any of you that are in coaching with me will be nodding knowingly that this is just the start.

No sane person I know would agree to step into a car not knowing how the controls work and then expect a 80+ year journey to be crash free.

To make matters worse most people get into this car and don’t know where they want to go either.

Now they are lost and out of control, and this creates states of fear that comes out in may destructive ways some small and hidden and some out there for all to see.

You are on your journey right now, how do you want the rest of it to be?

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