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The most important lesson…

March 27, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If you don’t have the life you want today, one of the most important things to change about you is your attitude. Change your attitude about your past and do it fast. If your past is anything other than a school of learnt experiences that you can grow from, then you are in for a tough ride in the future.

Yes your life may have been full of knocks, maybe you had poor parents, or no guidance, maybe your partner left you for someone else, maybe you lost your business, or you just feel unlucky…

What do you want to happen? Do you want the next 5 years to be the same as the last?

Tell me this what will you gain from thinking about how you have been wronged over and over again. Will this lead to your happiness? [Read more...]

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How to remain positive when you just want to give up

January 19, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Do you have some days when you just want to give up. Relationship is up and down, work is getting more demanding, keeping up with all the things you know you should do seems impossible, you can’t remember the last time you had sex and you’re so fed up it doesn’t seem to matter, life is just a bit #@$>!

We all have those days, weeks, months, when the world seems to be against us. It’s not that we’re lazy, it’s like there is an overwhelming feeling of what’s it all for? You feel somewhat helpless…

I expect you look at relationship coaches and counsellors and psychologists and make the assumption that their lives are some how perfect. Rest assured we all face relationship challenges just like everyone else.

No matter how good you are at understanding human behaviour even the very best cannot help themselves or their partners to feel good in the moment all the time.

I remember before I really understood how relationships work and why they don’t, how out of control things can feel. Of course today for me is very different as 95% of what happens is much easier to deal with the other 5% needing some thought.

I have no doubt that sometimes you just want to scream as yet more relationship problems land at your feet. So I expect when you read this blog that explains how to deal with your partner or you read about how happy couples are after working with me your natural reaction could be jealousy, anger, hurt, frustration.

If you experience a negative force within you understand this: Your mind can be a force that can work with you, or against you and you have the power to choose.

One of the reason why couples are so successful with me is not because they are any better than other couples. The reason is they never gave up. They never gave up, no matter how tough the sessions became, or how much they felt they hated their partners for what they had done.

They kept going even when they didn’t want to. They believed they could make things right even when they didn’t know how.

Even when I gave them things to do that didn’t work at that moment, they kept going. The biggest killer is when individuals doubt themselves, doubt that they are enough for the relationship, not attractive enough, not lovable, not a good enough mother or father.

Even when friends and family jump to their defence telling them, their partner is not good enough for them and share their version of what they should do based on what their life experience tell them they should do, they never listen and never give up.

The answers are within you and your relationship. But as you know there are many different versions of you and some will hurt you and some will give you happiness.

Know which one is making decisions before you press the button on your relationship.

Turn your focus to where you want to go and not where you have been. Your past is simply a series of memories based on the state you are in at any given time and the meanings you gave it from that state.

Your history is not the fact you think it is there is much you do not understand or may have missed.

Remember your life is a series of perceptions. When you learn how you can create the ones that enable you to be the emotional state that will support your personal and relationship growth only then will you accept tough days and put actions in place to experience the world just the way you want to.

Your future is really down to you, if you want to understand your relationship and life then the biggest hurdle is to understand and conquer you.

Then being positive when life gets challenging is never as hard again.

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What are the weapons in your relationships

January 18, 2011 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

Many relationships are suffering today because as the individuals in the relationship start to feel something is not right for them they use certain behaviours to help them feel safe again.

The behaviours are the tools that individuals have learnt that keeps the relationship together, but in a way that makes them both unhappy.

The couple maybe experiencing a conflict of not knowing what to do. If they stay in the relationship they are in pain, miserable, if they leave the relationship they cannot imagine life without their partner.

The weapons that people use can range from humor to threats to leave, from withholding intimacy to running away.

They use these tools as leverage to get what they want from their relationships. The problems is the weapons or tools are being used to re-balance the relationship from a place of fear.

A fear of life not being the way the individual wants it to be. So the actions and result all come from and create a distortion of the truth in the relationship.

The key to helping relationships is to help the couple feel safe enough and incentivised enough that there is a better way to achieve the security they both desire whilst creating harmony.

Is this happening in your relationship?

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Relationship Advice: Reverse Polarity

January 15, 2011 By Stephen Hedger 2 Comments

Reverse polarity is a when a couple finds themselves in a relationship where the woman is the strong, driving force, more masculine than feminine. The man is usually more feminine in his approach in the relationship maybe wanting a quiet life and just going with the flow even if he does not want to.

What seems strange is at work however he could be strong and respected he could even be a leader on some level. The woman could also connect with her feminine side with friends and children. So day-to-day life does actually bring out their true polarity yet in their relationship they switch back.

Lots of relationships work this way and no one is qualified to judge them, couples that live this way and are happy have no need or desire to change for them it works.

The problem arises when one, or both people in the relationship are not happy, but don’t know why. Reverse Polarity could be the cause, because the what the individuals in the couple really want is to be more of the gender they are designed to be, consciously this will not stand out as the problem and so the problems will present themselves in different ways.

The woman may complain at the man about day-to-day stuff, the man will shut down or remove himself in some way this create a bigger gap between the couple as she becomes stronger to cope and he becomes more beaten knowing he can never please her.

For example: A woman can resent her partner for not being the man in the relationship. She wants desperately to connect with that vulnerable, soft version of herself. But the thought of doing so scares her, because she has a fear that she will not be safe if she does. She needs that masculine strength and power to cope with life. At some point in her life she learnt this.

She could have come from a divorced family or she may have created the masculine versions in past relationships to cope with being mistreated or her current relationship could have created this tough version of her.

He has also learnt his behaviours either from a dominant mother or maybe a string of relationships where he felt he could never please his partners and so he gave up. He will have a burning desire to please his partner, but will find he never can and so he gives up.

Couples that first meet in this place have a huge connection and a passionate chemistry because the reverse polarity creates a unique attraction for them. BUT, it is usually not long before one of them goes to a place of fear, because something does not feel right and they either split-up quickly, or distort themselves to cope with their relationships.

They create a relationship that is one big compromise, never really connecting with who they are, but too scared leave the relationship. In a strange way this for them becomes home and it’s likely eventually to be devoid of all passion.

Like brother and sister, but also not… She might say to friends… “ I have him well trained” and he will have lost his spark seemingly going through the motions, maybe using disrespectful humor to cope with his dominant partner.

It becomes a strange mix of a lack of respect with no desire to be apart for those who hit the “wall” and decide to stay and accept that this is good enough, better the devil you know.

Do you wish your man could be the man in your relationship and keep you safe, and love you no matter what. Or are you a man that has lost his masculine energy and you feel that whatever you do you cannot please her.

If this is you I can help…

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A Moment In Time Causes Destruction

December 17, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

I have many clients come to me with what seems like very confusing problems. They seem to have it all, yet they also seem hell bent on destroying their lives and marriages, but they tell me they no longer want to life to be this way, but still carry on.

To them what they are doing seems normal, but to the outside world everyone can see the pain they are causing themselves and those they say they love.

Maybe you or your partner are experiencing this very thing.

There is of course many reasons why this can happen, but the over riding reason is because the individual does not feel safe and is running a pattern that they have learnt that will give them security again.

This is why victims of abuse struggle so much in later years. Every time they feel unsafe they run the patterns that were designed to cope with a moment in time.

The problem is that very often the pattern they run is out dated.

What’s critical to know is what you or your partner is attempting to get to. It could be love or security.

But they could be trying to get to it through anger, depression, running away, or a contradiction of other core values such as respect or honesty.

All these are responses to a fear that feels very real to them.

A decision about what patterns we use to live our lives usually happen naturally, but when situations are perceived as threatening in some way, it’s this high level of emotion that creates a need to feel safe again fast.

A pattern will be created at this point to cope and be brought into play whenever life creates a situation that feels similar.

In reality what this means is an adult can behave like a child when they don’t feel safe as they run an old pattern to get back to safety or love.
The problem is this old outdated pattern will not work no matter how many times they run the pattern. But because they were not consciously aware they created this pattern, they feel that what they are doing is normal so they relentlessly run the pattern over and over again, slowly destroying everything including themselves.

They can become depressed, angry, guilty, blame others, run away, overly control and behave in many more destructive ways..

Is this happening to you, do others keep telling you to stop what you are doing, but to you it feels normal?

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Are we compatible?

December 15, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 3 Comments

When a couple comes to me for help, the question I have to understand is does the couple have genuine core compatibility problems, or do the individuals in the couple have a relationship problem with themselves which in turn is causing relationship problems.

The latter is usually the case.

If you have been following this blog you will have read the last few posts which have helped you to understand that what you focus on is what you will get.

So if you believe your partner is the problem then firstly you will look for all the ways that they are the problem (If what you have just read now automatically directs you to what your partner has been doing rather than what you have been doing, then as you can see, you are a big part of creating your problems).

Finding problems is far too easy and so you will consider your discoveries as proof, but you will be setting both you and your partner up to fail, this will be your focus and so in your quest to change them they will resist, you will see this resistance as further proof, that they are the problem.

Your focus needs to change for your relationship to succeed.

If you want your partner to change, the first thing you have to do is to change yourself first.

Focus your mind towards to how you can be more of the person/partner you want to be and turn your focus away from the problems you both seem to face.

If your partner needs more of something then ask them what it is and give it to them it’s your responsibility.

You are 100% responsible for the success or failure of your relationship.

If you pull love away or look for ways to punish them expect more problems or pain to hit you fast.

Is today the day to be honest with yourself, do you like who you are and how you are behaving? Are you always focused on what you want or is your focus on what you don’t?

A distorted you will be a focus on all that’s wrong in your life, and as if by magic will give you everything you don’t want in buckets.

So if you are unhappy, find out where your thoughts are focused most of the time in the context of what is wrong for you.

Remember if you have problems it’s very likely you are the cause on some level.

Become part of the solution not part of the problem and start it today!

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Classic Relationship Goal For Success

December 5, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

If we want to be successful in our relationships, what goals do we need to focus on?

This answer is really very simple, your goal is to help your partner feel great about themselves in the context of you.

This is a very simple principal.

If your partner feels bad about themselves when they are around you, what happens is they attach those bad feeling to you and they then have to fight a need to get away from you.

If you help them to feel worse then they start to loose the will to fight and now they have a desire to run away from you.

Help your partner feel amazing, valued, loved, secure, significant by constantly giving them all then need and watch your relationship transform.

You did this when you were dating it worked then, so have a think, you stopped practicing this and now the relationships not as good as it was back then.

After all you say you love them so why not, put actions to your words and prove it’s true.

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Values: The Key To A Passionate Love Life

December 3, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

When a couple has a values conflict the first thing to go is their sex life.

Many people see VALUES as just a list of words and as a simple list, yes you could say they are important, but miss the immense power they hold to change your life for ever.

If used incorrectly values can cause depression, anxiety, relationship break ups, abuse, violence, anger and many many more problems.

When values are understood and lived by life takes on a success they could never have imagined. People close to suicide discover a new lease of life. Victims of abuse discover how to give themselves security.

All the greats this world has seen understood the massive power of understanding and applying their values to their life consciously.

It’s really simple: If you don’t understand your values and your partners values then expect a traumatic rollercoaster.

It’s bad enough for one person who has no concept of their values for life, but two people attempting to live together will soon run into big trouble.

Values are the most important words you will ever learn, because they mean so much to us that they become a compass for our lives.

Many couples come to me with a conflict of values, they claim that certain values are important yet they fail to live by what they say is important to them.

It’s like a smoker that claims health is important, but carries on smoking. Something nags at them and so they talk about giving up for years but never actually do it. It’s the values nagging!

Couples claim that love is important yet they punish and hurt each other. They claim that trust is important and then they act in an untrusting manner that scares their partner to trust them even less.

It is this total lack of living by the values and standards that help couples fail.

If you are unhappy then the chances of you suffering from a conflict of values is really high. If you are having relationship problems the first place to start is with yourself. Become the best partner you can be by living by what you say is important and then help your partner through their problems.

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How To Make A Relationship Work

October 26, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

Millions of people globally are searching for information every month that can help them understand the answer to the question – How to make a relationship work?

Experts across the global can agree on one thing, and that is you have to get to know you first, and understand what you need to be happy so you can communicate those specific needs to your partner.

After all your partner is not a mind reader.

Getting to know the real you sounds great, but how do you really get to know you. What or who can really help us understand who we really are and what we really need?

Some people believe going travelling will work, some go to self-help seminars, some spend time alone, some have many partners. There are many strategies, but do any of them really work?

The answer is yes and no, because you can get to know one version of you, the version of you that always knows what to do when the pressure is off, but what about the version of you that crumbles when life gets tough.

You see there is not just one version of YOU! In fact there are 20+ different versions of you that live by very different rules. These different versions will create different futures for you, some not as good as others some amazing and some really destructive.

Getting to know them all and understanding the versions and their purpose is your real BIG goal that will help you understand why you do what you do and help you understand when you are being destructive.

The version of you that causes real problems is going to be a fearful version of you, a version that will distort the world and limit you whilst giving you the illusion of balancing your life to feel normal.

This is the version that lets you down when you need it most. Just imagine knowing which version of you that will always create great futures and discovering by choice how to be that person.

  • Do you want to discover the real you? If so I run self discovery sessions it takes about 2 hours per person. If you are interested please let me know. Click here
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You Can’t fail If You Know This

October 24, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

What is the one thing that makes the difference in every relationship without fail. What is the one thing that if not done will always cause problems. What is the one thing that will always create happiness?

There is one thing, and in all the coaching sessions I have ever done where someone is not happy with their relationship or their life, this one thing has always been the cause.

  • The inability to live by what they say is important to them. If anyone sets themselves a standard and they don’t live by that standard they will always be unhappy, without fail, every time!

The reason people don’t live to their highest standards is because they are fearful that something bad will happen to them if they do. The trouble is they are not consciously aware of all this going on so they carry on hurting themselves.

In some cases they have the ability to make sure they stay stuck in this poor standard of living by saying this is just how I am.

Are you living life to your highest standards?

An example: We all believe that honesty is important, but is it important some of the time, or all of the time? In the context of a relationship is honesty important?

I’m not talking about the small silly stuff, I’m talking about why someone might walk on eggshells in their own home, why someone would bully someone, or be bullied and stay. Why someone would constantly accept bad behaviour just to keep the peace. Why someone would run away every time life isn’t the way they want it to be.

None of these behaviours are honest on either side, but more than that, they are not respectful either. In fact this way of living creates a prison for both people neither of them free, neither of them at peace with themselves or each other.

Fears create the fear

If two people in a relationship could understand this their fears actually create their biggest fear. The solution is simple, drop the fears and live by what you truly believe in.

You won’t die, what will happen is you will discover an honest strength and courage to be the person you have always wanted to be, in the life you have always wanted to live.

  • Don’t look back in fear, you have done that long enough, know what’s true and start living that truth today!
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