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Is Your Past Affecting Your Relationship Today?

August 11, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

Past relationship problems can have a profound affect on your relationship today, so much so they can change your future and the partners you choose.

  • A simple example we can all spot: A victim of an affair could develop a problem with trusting future partners. These kind of past issues are easy to spot and with the right help can be changed.

What about past experiences we are not aware of..?

The real struggle happens is when complex past experiences have an effect on your relationships today. For example if a woman today is very masculine in her approach to relationships and her life. What kind of man do you think she would attract.

What kind of relationship would she have and how would this dynamic in her affect her children?

This is an example of the past affecting her future that’s powerful enough for her to change her personality from female to male dominated, but how does this happen?

She made a decision…

At some point in her life she made a decision to become more masculine subconsciously, she may have decided to do this because she was under threat, or she needed to get strong, but some life event created that version of her, she was not born with it.

When she made a decision to live her life in this way, what she did was to shut down many others parts of her true self, because if she allowed these feminine parts out she maybe under threat again.

The world has moved on, but she is stuck

The problem she now faces is her life circumstances have changed since she made that decision, and she no longer needs to protect herself in the same way. Her protection pattern is outdated and no longer needed, but she runs it as if she is still under threat.

Living in this version of herself  could create signs of unhappiness or depression with her because her true values are not being met buy this distorted version of her.

Is there an outdated version of you running your life? Do you live in fear? Are you exhausted?

  • One of the session I run is called a Journey of Self-Discovery and it is designed to uncover these choices we may have set-up without knowing.
    It is designed to align you with your true-self so your decisions are no longer made from a perspective of fear, but from the clear knowledge that your choice will create a future of happiness.

If you are interested please let me know… Contact me

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What Is Your Perfect Relationship?

August 10, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

When I ask couples what is your perfect relationship? The couple usually struggle to tell me. The woman may say I want to be loved unconditionally, and feel secure. The man will usually struggles, and says what he thinks his partner wants to hear.

If a business was run this way it would fail…

If you don’t define the goals of your relationship together then the relationship has no direction, no purpose and no reason for existing.

The truth is most couples want to have what they perceive to be a perfect relationship when they start out, yet when challenged have no idea what that really means.

So in translation the couple becomes upset that they have not achieved a relationship goal that neither of them can agree on or define.

Does this makes sense in anyone’s world? Of course not, but most couples do it.

Unless you have defined what you both want your future to be like, you could be putting your relationship at risk. The reason is because the mind will try to fill in the blanks that couple have neglected to create.

So what happens is the mind will create two futures, his and hers, these will be different and so when the future does not equal what the perceptions are, one or both people in the couple become unsettled or unhappy.

The needs I spoke about in the last post will create the values we all wants such as security, love, respect, gratitude, adventure, fun, trust etc…

The values/needs that have to be met are unique to each individual within a couple. So what future together will ensure that each of their critical needs/values are consistently met that still equals growth of the relationship.

Not understanding this will help any couple to be lost without knowing, until one day one of their critical values that is missing will help them to feel miserable and so they will want to leave the relationship or go elsewhere to have that value met.

Lets say the value that’s missing is adventure or fun. If you have worked tirelessly together to create a money for the future and that’s all you have done, you will feel financially secure, but this won’t equal happiness for you. You could feel bored and feel insecure that the relationship will never make you happy.

Know this, if you are unhappy in your relationship it’s because your needs/values are not being met today, or you fear a future that does not equal your values /needs being met.

Lack of direction in your relationship will equal problems… Is that what you want?

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What Makes Relationships Successful?

August 9, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

One of the questions I get asked as a relationship coach is what makes the difference between an normal or failing relationship and an extra-ordinary relationship or what makes relationships successful?

The answer is simple…

Apply these simple 3 steps to your relationship every day

  1. Understand what you need

  2. Understand what your partner needs

  3. And spend your life giving your partner what they
    need every single day.

When you live in a relationship that is full of two people who understand each others needs to this degree and they are using their energy to make sure their partner is meeting their daily needs, this is a relationship that has no choice but to grow on every possible level.

Both people in the relationship will feel so loved and important to each other, and this will create a security and freedom between them that will enable unconditional love to flourish.

However most people don’t live in this relationship…

…because they don’t practice those three rules.

If you are in a relationship that just ok, or you seem to be fighting alot and you’re scared for the future, or you would like a partner, but have yet to find one.

  • Those 3 key rules must be your relationship goal starting today.

The reverse of the above is divorce, separation, affairs, lack of intimacy, lack of trust, lack of respect and plenty of pain…

How to discover your needs

Coaching with Stephen Hedger will help both you and your partner understand what those critical needs are. If you are single then we will discover your needs so you can communicate them to your new partners when you get them.

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Is the Clock Ticking On Your Relationship?

August 7, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

What is going on in your relationship without you knowing?

Des wrote to me because his relationship was over and he was heart-broken (check out his story here). Des did not know that from his perspective and the beliefs he had for how relationships work, that he was destroying his relationship without knowing… The reverse of what he wanted…

Des is not alone… this could be happening to you everyday…

Men and women across the country are just like Des. Without knowing they have created a perspective and beliefs and rules for how relationships work, and they drop this untested system on their relationships.

It’s not long before problems are brewing and arguments start.

Des is not at fault for his lack of understanding of how relationships work, because who in our education system teaches us? NO-ONE!…

But Des has paid the ultimate price and his little boy now is without a father

Most people are blind to the understanding that they DON‘T KNOW, WHAT THEY DON‘T KNOW, and with relationships this is pretty much everyone.

Des’s partner ended the relationship based on a truth from her perspective. Truths from this place are not facts and so the relationship ended for the wrong reasons.

PLEASE don’t assume you know what’s right for your relationship, please find out THE TRUTH, BEFORE THE WRONG TRUTH COMES OUT TO BITE YOU.

If this post has struck a chord with you

  • You can call Stephen Hedger relationship Coach on 0845 519 4808 or
  • You can ask me a question just like Des. Click Free Relationship Advice
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Should I Stay With Him?

August 4, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Thank you for all your questions from – ASK Stephen Your Burning Relationship Question

The question for Stephen…



Hi Stephen,

Thanks so much for all the tips its really working for me in my relationship. But I have a question, I am in a relationship that is entering the 8th month, but my man hasn’t said anything that is committing. He has two kids and I have one, he says he wants to be careful before committing himself into any relationship. We talk everyday and I’ve visited him twice in Europe we haven’t done anything intimate(sex). Please, do you think this is a relationship I should hold on to because I really do not know what he is up too and living in deception is the last thing I want to get myself in right now. Awaiting your response.

Thanks so much Stephen.

Olu

Stephen’s Relationship Advice

Dear Olu

Great to hear from you and thank you for your question, I’m so pleased to be able to share my thoughts with you today.

Long distance relationships are tough and so I really do sympathise with you, because even in geographically close relationships, fears and insecurities can creep in grab us and get out of control.

So lets look at what has happened and what it could mean…

He says he wants to be careful because he has two children, I’m sure you can agreed this is a good thing that he values the security of his children. Of course you could see this as a stalling tactic, but unless you have proof, why assume the worst as you‘ll only feel bad and probably for no reason.

You have spent time with him in Europe and not yet become intimate, again this is great because it’s a stronger indication that he respects your wishes and is looking for a lasting relationship and not a fling.

Plus you talk every day, so he is showing you a solid commitment to wanting to communicate and find out more about you, this is all great news. Clearly he wants to find out more about you, because he enjoys your company. No man would phone every day if he didn’t.

So far everything looks great… Except for how you feel.

There are two clear issues

  • 1. You have created a trust issue and attached it to this relationship, ask yourself why, and do you have real proof he is being deceptive? Feelings and assumptions do not count as proof.
  • 2. The other issue is about the speed in which this relationship is moving at.

My question to you is this. What commitment are you after from him, and does he know specifically what you want? In other words have you told him what your relationship goal is. I.E. marriage, living together, in which country if it were to happen…etc…etc…?

You are not asking him to give you that commitment today, or even in the next 6 months all you want to know is if a relationship was right for him does he want the same future as you, whatever that is?

What this creates is two specific points, where you are today, and where you both want to be, which hopefully is the same place. If not then you need to talk.

If you both have the same goal for the future, but just need to get to know each other better then this is great.

How to accelerate the commitment

What you now need to focus on is to helping him feel great about himself and attach those great feelings to you. Help him to know that he is significant in your life because when you are with him and think about him  you feel secure and happy. When he feels responsible for your happiness the chances of him feeling great are really high.

The quicker he starts to create a future that is better with you in it, the faster he will want to commit.

Be open with him about the intimate side of the relationship, be sure he knows you are looking forward to it, so he understands there is not a hidden reason why you don’t want him this way. Be sure he knows that you also just want to be careful and sure about him like he does with you.

What you both then need to focus on is building a bridge each day towards what you really want. When this happens then you will see the steps of growth happening on both sides. When you see this you’ll feel more secure with him that you are a team / couple.

Avoid creating fears based on assumptions

Be careful of your own fears Olu, because they can and will worry him. If he senses that he is not making you happy he will feel he has failed and this does not build a great future in his mind and may help him feel he will never be enough for you.

Should you stay in this relationship? Unless you can‘t bear long distance relationships, I don‘t think you have enough information to decide at this stage, which is why you feel stuck.

You need to understand the direction you are heading and if you share the same one, it’s really that simple. After all it is eight months and you would like to know, be sure he knows you are not after a commitment today just a shared direction to put your mind at ease!

If your questions scare him away then there is your answer, somehow I don’t think that will happen here.

Please let us know how you get on Olu…

If you have a question, or would like to share your thoughts for Olu please leave your comments below.

If you have a burning relationship question ask Stephen Hedger now… Click Here

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Why Is He Ignoring Me?

July 30, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Many women have a question that worries them and keeps coming up in the relationship coaching sessions… “Why is he ignoring me?”

There is about a billions reasons why he could be ignoring you, which one have you decided to focus on? The chances are it’s probably the worst one, which means “you’re feeling you are not going to be enough for him” and that scares you”

But did you know this fear is likely to drive him away if he also misunderstands you in the same way. So lets stop this one right now, to protect you both from each others fears.

When a woman goes quiet what does this mean?

When a woman goes quiet on a man it means trouble is brewing. When a man goes quiet on a woman it means he is happy and content in his world. So the fact that women think he is ignoring her is a perception rather than a fact, that drives problems out of nowhere.

The same situations and two different meanings can cause so many confusions. Relationships are riddled with exactly this problem, where the wrong meanings are created.

The fact is men don’t like talking in the same way that women talk, actually men hate it!

Women can talk for hours on the phone, men will spend 30 seconds.

It’s dangerous to create meanings out of assumptions, because you will always be wrong. If you believe your meanings you will feel bad and attach those bad feelings to him, and this will start to break down the foundations of the relationship and that means you can no longer trust each other.

Find out the truth, then react, and above all, no matter what is going on…
DO NOT JUDGE HIM! YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED!

Plus he will start to see you as someone he can’t trust, to believe in him. He will then see the relationship as somewhere he can never be the man he wants to be, he will attach massive pain to a future with you and leaving you will be powerful in his mind if these feeling stick.

Or he will become a boy in the relationship, always ready to do as you ask, ready to be stepped on by you. Turn your man into this and you will lose respect for the boy that you have created out of the man that just wanted to make you happy.

Is this what you really want?

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Why Relationships Fail

July 29, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

Why relationships fail? In my last post I shared with you the most important 3 things a relationship needs to survive. Click relationship help if you missed it.

Today we are going to look at why relationships fail and what you need to look out for.

If you and your partner are not having your needs met by each other, this is why you are having problems and this could lead to a failed relationship. Even if you stay together, you will never experience unconditional love and will live each in a passionless relationship. Is that what you want?

Understand the truth in your relationship
before it’s too late

Most people’s perceptions of “needs” is in what they want in their day-to-day lives from their partners.

For example: He leaves his clothes on the floor or she goes crazy for no reason, These are how most people view their needs not being met and so these areas become their problems. This is untrue because these are simply symptoms of your deeper issues, i’ll explain…

When you are fed-up in your relationships what happens is you both will start to connect with each other in ways that will create problems, because these are not the relationship building parts of you reacting, they are the parts of you that are designed to look out for things that may hurt you.

The real problems happen when you both become stuck in these problem seeking versions of yourself and all you start to see is problems and you attach those problems to your partner. The more you look the more you will find.

Understand both of your needs as fast as possible

The only way to change this problem seeking is to understand what needs are not being met and why.

This is where 99% of couples become stuck, because they do not know how to understand each others needs, mainly because they don’t really understand their own needs, so communicating them is impossible.

She might describe a need for him to help to keep the house tidy. This is not a core need because if he does not do this for her, she will create a far deeper meaning to his lack of attention.

His lack of attention is this area could mean to her that her words are not important to him and so he must find it easy to disrespect her. That could be an early danger sign that the relationship will fail.

If she believes this she will be ready to test his love for her… That could mean a major fight.

If the true needs were understood then this and further damage to the relationship could be avoided.

The real danger sits in couples believing their own meanings for words, behaviours and situations that are not true in their relationship.

So if your are feeling bad about your partner or your relationship then act fast and find out the truth today and understand you true needs.
If you would like help go to Relationship Coaching Services

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What Do Women Really Want?

July 26, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

Confused men sit shaking their heads with a question they never seem to get the answer to “What do women really want?”.

For example: He can do the same thing two days running and get totally different reactions from her? A mans logic will never understand this, so lets look inside her mind to understand what’s happening.

Socks on the floor again -  Clearly he doesn’t care about me!

Women are brilliant at turning things or situations into meanings. Women are constantly looking for the meanings behind what their men are doing, or not doing, and there is a lot of things he might not be doing.

She wants to keep checking that everything is OK, that she’s safe, and secure as she paints an picture of a future he’d better not spoil.

Men rarely feel unsafe, but women can feel unsafe many times a day.  When she feels unsafe she has to get tough and strong, but don’t be fooled, this is her mask, inside every woman is the real her screaming to get out.

But unless she meets a man who can help her feel safe, she will stay tough to survive.

Where she really wants to be

In a woman’s heart is the core of who she is, all that’s great about her sits in here. This is where she feels safe and where she can trust her decisions. When she connects with her heart, her true self, she becomes who she wants to be, free, relaxed, peaceful, secure and totally happy free from fear.

If her man can help her unlock the pathway to her heart and help her connect with that part of herself everyday then he will become the man she has dreamed of.

BUT…

The challenge is this, women live most of their lives in their head. It’s very busy and very noisy. Lots to do and worry about. There may even be a few voices shouting abuse in there “… you’re not good enough” or  “…you’re too fat for those jeans”. Combine this with chemical reactions each month that men have no clue about and yes …men have a challenge!

Also you have to combat the other women who she connects with. They feed her with more worry because a group of women will connect through their problems and fears and this raises her awareness of her problems as she connects with others who are also lost.

She will love the connection with her friends as now she’s not alone and feels important to them, but her problems are now bigger because 4 different opinions have confused her.

Her only stop left is her man relaxing after a hard day unaware of the potential storm heading his way.

What will happen and how can he help her connect with her true self?

Find out tomorrow…

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How Our Minds Work – Your Focus

July 25, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Yesterday we started to understand perception and how we create the meanings for the world we live in and how those perceptions can craft your future. Click how our minds work if you missed part 1

Today I’m going to expand on this and talk about your focus and how that works with your perceptions to design your life and relationships.

All this happens without you knowing, so imagine how powerful this can be if you can choose your perceptions, and now your focus.

Suddenly they just start appearing

Have you ever bought something like a car and suddenly noticed lots of cars just like yours suddenly appear? Or if you were expecting a baby, then did the world suddenly look like it was full of pregnant women? Is this magic, or coincidence of course not?

If this or something similar has happened to you, then that’s your focus in action. The truth is the world did not change, what changed was your focus and until you had that focus you went through life deleting all information that was not important, such as that model of car or pregnant women.

I will say that again, if you deem information to not be important, you will delete it as if it never happened. In fact you will swear that it didn’t happen, even if it did.

You may even receive information you don’t totally understand and so you may have to distort it so it fits into your model of the world, so your version of events never actually happened, children are victim of this and it’s why what information you feed you children is critical.

Your mind is creating your world

Now you know that through your mind the world will present to you what you focus on, what do you want the world to give you?

If you are a negative person what will you delete? You will delete all that’s good in the world.

If you fear being in the wrong relationship what will you delete? You will delete all that’s good in your relationship, and go on a mission to discover everything that may hurt you. Even if you have the best relationship in the world you would find problems, because problems are always available.

The key is knowing what to focus on to give you what you really want.

Some may say they want more money and they have focused on this for years and they are still poor. What these people don’t realise is they actually focused without knowing on not having enough money and so they practised, not having enough money until they were successful at it.

If these people focused on creating careers that were inline with all they value emotionally, and they persistently worked on growing their value within those markets, they would then see results that would in turn provide them with the money they desire. The focus here is on growth and contribution not on a lack.

People in problem relationships will have practised focusing on a fear for their future. When they find the many problems their fears have created they will then focus on protection or security from their partner. This will help them focus on attaching all their bad feelings to their partners and then make them responsible for making them feel bad.

Change your focus and change your life

Why not create a focus for what you really want. This is the biggest challenges for coaches and their clients. Because what a client thinks they want, is never what they really want.

A coach knows the client wants emotions. The clients thinks the outside world is the route to those feelings, the coach knows the route to their true happiness is within themselves.

So what is going to be the focus of your life and what perceptions of the world are going to give you all you desire?

Something to think about…

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How Our Minds Work – Perception

July 24, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

In today’s post I am going to share some concepts about how our minds work so you can relate this back to how you experience the world, your life, relationships, and especially the one with yourself.

The goal is to gain a better understanding of how you really work. So if you want to gain control of your life experiences and your relationships please read this slowly.

The way you experience the world, your thoughts and feelings are your interpretation of the world, in your mind, based on your life experiences so far. Your mind is always looking for meanings to what happens within your world based on your own unique experiences, because it’s all you know.

Different experiences therefore create different perceptions.

These experiences of yours have created meanings to your world that are unique to you, and these experiences are designing your future. No one else has exactly the same experiences of life as you.

This means that the world and it’s meanings to you is purely a perception that sits within your mind, and so any beliefs that you have created on your journey through life are based on these perceptions, and are not actual facts. Many people have beliefs that they believe are facts, when they are not.

This is what makes you unique, there is no one else like you.

So if the world you live in is an interpretation created by you, then the meanings you give the world are clearly a perception too.

So if the world you live in a is a perception in your mind, and you are creating these perceptions without knowing then imagine how the world would feel it you could control your day-to-day experiences and their meanings, how would that change you and your future?

The truth is your perceptions can create vast differences in the life you live, and not understanding this puts either other people or the world in charge of your life’s direction.

  • If you believe you can’t have unconditional love then you will be right.
  • If you believe that your partner can’t be trusted then you will be right.
  • If you believe that your life is hopeless and you will never be successful, then you will be right.

If your focus is on all that’s wrong then you will create that perception and live that life. We are conditioned by society to look for the negative and so this comes easy for us to do and so we convince ourselves that we are in the wrong relationships, or our lives are hopeless and success only happens to others.

Know this: Successful people NEVER EVER think that way, and so they create the perception that everything is possible they totally believe in themselves and so they take massive actions and are relentless in their quest to get the lives they want.

So what perceptions have you created about your life? Maybe the reason you don’t have what you really want is down to you and your perception of yourself.

Maybe you don’t think you are enough…and that’s holding you back…!?

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