You are here: Home / Relationship Coaching

It’s like living with a boy and I want a man?

September 22, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

We all have a past and that past has created us to be who we are today. We use our past to learn how to live. We model our parents so we know how to react when life feels wrong, or someone has treated us badly. We learn from our parents how relationships work. We model not just them, but all those around us as we grow.

So as an adult now, were those models the right ones for you? Were your partners models the right ones?

  • You only have to look at your life now to know the answer.

I see so many people who have pasts that have helped them to create coping patterns, beliefs and ways to live that make it impossible for a growth orientated relationship to flourish.

The couple just exist, in a box they call home.

There seems to big a big dilemma over the question, has my past affected me, the answer is yes! It’s how you learnt to live and keep yourself safe. Have a think now, when life doesn’t feel good to you, and you think about what you do in that moment, who do you think you copied? Was it mum or dad? Who does your partner copy?

Some people tell themselves stories that keep them stuck, some people have beliefs that they are no good enough, or they are not worthy of love.

It’s almost like they cast a spell on themselves and it’s based on something that happened to them in the past.

These coping patterns, these stories, these limiting beliefs about who you are? Are they really true?

Some women find themselves living with a man, but he feels like a boy to her? She loves him, but her attraction for him has gone. Some men find themselves living with a woman they feel they can’t please?

Where has a man learnt how to be so needy and child like? Where has that woman learn that punishment and withholding love is her answer to more love?

Simple behaviours done in the wrong way could just be destroying the very thing you want to keep?

Is this where you are? Do you not feel safe in your relationship when you try to imagine your future?

Is your past going to be a mirror for your future or are you going to take control and make a change now!

Filed Under: Relationship Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

What are your relationship goals?

July 31, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

From married to dating it is critical that you create goals for your relationship to keep your relationship alive and full of passion.

Giving is one of the biggest goals you can contribute to your relationship. A lot of people in relationships are only interested in what they can get from their relationship and when they don’t think they are getting much, giving seems like the last thing they want to do.

So they withhold the giving as a punishment. Of course if someone does us a wrong we punish them! Wrong! Especially in relationships. Whenever has anyone felt more love after being punished. If you punish your partner you hurt your relationship and yourself.

The biggest goal is really very simple… [Read more...]

Filed Under: Relationship Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Relationship Coaching Sessions: Why Is Love The Answer?

April 18, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

One of the first things a couple has to understand, is that the answer to their relationship problems is in the love they have to give each other.

What couples usually do is pull their love away when their partner does something wrong.

So in the relationship sessions the couple go through a process of understanding the importance of living by what they believe is important. Not only does pulling love away not create love, but it also creates a destructive conflict within the individual who is pulling away.

The result is a double hit of internal problems for the individual pulling away. They experince a lack of love from their partner and the inability to trust themselves to live by their own values and beliefs. This serves to further create feelings of a heightened lack of security, this feels worse and so the result is usually more punishment all round as their state deteriorates.

The sessions are designed to help the couple understand how to create the right versions of themselves. The version they will have created is one of fear that life was not going to be the way it should be for them. This is the version that is designed for destruction, and is very different from the version they used to attract each other. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Relationship Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Is my past effecting my future?

January 4, 2011 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

The simple answer is yes. The reason is because the meanings that you have given to the world you live in has created your beliefs about the world. This is why everyone is so very different.

These beliefs feel like facts and so people behave as if they are.

This really shows up in relationships. For example, if you and your partner have experienced very different childhoods then your expectation of how life and relationships should be will be very different.

The result is misunderstandings and conflict as one or both people become fearful of an uncertain future together.

Other ways your past effects you is by the life conditions you were given. For example if arguments were part of how your family dealt with problems then this will be your pattern for problem solving.

In other words what goes in is what comes out, especially when under pressure.

We run patterns of behaviour that as children worked for us at that time.

This is where the fun begins, because many people I see in my clinics are still running those patterns as adults and I don’t mean those just turning 18 I am talking 18-70+.

Now imagine how much havoc a pattern that was designed for teenager or younger to cope with their world will have on the world of an adult in a relationship with children of their own.

The problem is those that are affected are not aware of what they are doing, or how it happened. To them their reactions are normal.
It’s usually not until they have experienced enough pain in their life do they say enough is enough and go in search of help.

This is where relationship coaches like myself step in and help individuals understand the real causes behind why they do what they do and how to create new belief systems that will support a future of growth.

Filed Under: Relationship Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Is Your Sub Conscious Mind Sabotaging Your Life?

December 19, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Have you ever considered the possibility that the world in which you live in has programmed you to behave the way you do today.

For those of you that are sceptical, ask yourself why the government has banned advertisers wanting to use subliminal advertising. The reason is it works at deep level with our minds and can change our behaviours without us knowing.

If this is possible, what have we been programmed to do and think without knowing, the simple answer is probably far more than we would like.

When you think about it you are programmed to do lots of things without thinking, or understanding why you do what you do. Some things don’t matter such as, how you always brush your teeth, or which shoe you always put on first.

BUT there are other things, important things you will have set up just like those without knowing that will be affecting your perception and behaviour in the world you live in.

How much of our own thoughts do we actually own, and how much has been given to us by our journey through life.

Put another way, what has your mind been fed? If you do not have the life you are after then you must have been fed the wrong programme to get what you don‘t want.

What’s important to learn here is, it is us that creates our life and our futures. This puts us back in control so we can start to learn what programme(s) do we need to load or feed our minds to get what we desire most.

The starting point is to not always believe your own thoughts and hype. Look at how you behave and the actions you take. This is far more telling than what you say.

A persons belief system is not fact, yet people act as if their beliefs are facts. It is this illusion that helps individuals stay stuck in lives they don’t want or create havoc in relationships they do want.

Everyone has to be open to the possibility that what they understand of their world is just one perspective and this could have all the design features to destroy the very thing they want to have or keep.

If life is not the way it should be for you then maybe now is the time to understand what is going wrong and how to change it.

If your behaviours are hurting you, you are running the wrong programme or pattern. Or put another way you are consistently behaving in a way that gives you the reverse of what you want.

Is this happening to you?

Call Stephen Hedger today!

Filed Under: Relationship Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Test – How negative are you?

December 18, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If you have been following this blog you will notice that the more you focus your mind on something the more of it you get.

This is true for things you want and things you don’t.

When you look at your life today everything you have is a direct result of where your mind has been focused.

Many of us have no idea how we focus our thoughts and the power those thoughts have on our lives and the paths we follow.

What’s critical to know is the consistent actions you are taking have a direct impact on the life you have today and more importantly the life you are about to have!

So here is a test for you to try.

The purpose of the test is to discover if your consistent thoughts are having a direct impact on your life and the future you are creating.

Take two pieces of paper, at the top of the first piece write POSITIVE and the top of the next write NEGATIVE

Over the course of today write down the thoughts you are having and put them onto either the positive of the negative sheets.

The rules of the test

Negative means a focus on everything you don’t want.

For example: I don‘t have any money, I’m fed up of our arguments. These statements focus your mind on what you don’t want. The problems is this focus gets you more of what you don’t want.

A positive focus would be:

Example: How can I make myself more valuable to the market to get the money I need to live the way I want to live. This focuses the person towards education and intelligence. The focus here is on growth (this creates movement towards what you want) rather than a lack (this creates feeling of being stuck or helpless) of money

Instead of a focus on “I’m fed up of our arguments” A positive person would focus on wanting a loving relationship and help their partner to be less afraid. A positive person would help their partner when they are afraid to feel secure again.

So are you more likely to be positive or negative, do you want to find out?

Are you up for the challenge remember the more honest you are the faster you will learn how to get the life you want.

Let me know how you get on. You can do this over 1 day or 7 days it’s up to you. Do this with your partner.

Remember this is not a competition and a platform to prove you right or your partner wrong if that is your focus put those thoughts in the negative space now.

Good luck!

Filed Under: Relationship Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Relationship Coaching: With Stephen Hedger

December 5, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 2 Comments

Many of my clients come to me with a goal of what they would like to achieve.

Whilst I do help them to achieve their goals sometimes their specific goal could lead them into disaster, maybe to false hope, or failure which just adds insult to injury.

My job as a relationship coach is to re-define their goals so they are achievable.

For example, many clients want to get old relationships back. They want to understand why their relationships have failed and what can they do to get the relationships back.

Other clients come to me as couples not understanding why they are going round in circles.

My first task is usually to help clients go for goals such as happiness first. There are many reason why I take clients down this road.

The first is because getting clients on the verge, or in depression out of their land of despair into a confident and successful place where life is full of opportunity and fun is a great re-focus for those tormented by their loss of the life they really wanted.

The second is because if their goal is to get an old relationship back or their current one back on track, presenting a depressed person as a potential life partner is never very successful.

Present a person who is magnetic to success, life and lives life true to who they really are, now that’s a different story.

It really does not matter what stage of a relationship you are in, becoming the person you want to be is critical to attracting all you desire from your life, including your partner.

What many couples fail to recognise is that despite being together for years they still have to market themselves to attract their partners, but usually they become lazy and fearful.

As a relationship coach I help individual build amazing relationships with themselves first. When individuals connect with their true selves it’s like a light has gone on and life can be seen as an adventure once more, but this time from a place of honesty and this time without the fears.

A relationships coaches job is not to fix relationships. The coaches job is to help individual build amazing relationships with themselves so they can present an honest exciting version of themselves to their partners.

From this place, growth, lasting passion is possible and a relationship coach can show clients the way to support each other to a shared vision/journey through life.

Filed Under: Relationship Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Does Relationship Coaching Work?

October 3, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

Does Relationship Coaching Work? This is question I get asked by many new callers who are interested in coming to coaching sessions with me.

It’s an interesting question because there are many factors involved in the successful outcome of the sessions.

The process that creates the change

  • The first is my total commitment to making change happen for my clients.
  • Someone who does want change to happen, but fears the change, will need a really good reason to making that shift and so leverage is required through understanding the real cost of not changing, whilst moving them towards something far more attractive.
  • The client also has to practice what the sessions teach, so an equal commitment to applying what you learn is also critical to help you change. Whilst the coaching is accelerated learning for the mind, the client has to reinforce the sessions with constructive behaviours taught in the sessions to undo destructive behaviours potentially practised for years.
  • The clients who come to the session and don’t practice what they are taught take longer to change.
  • The clients who are totally committed to changing their lives apply all they learn in the sessions and so shift their perspectives and lives really fast.

Are you ready to change and commit to you?

Any client can make a change really fast, what takes the time is the deciding if it’s really safe to make the change they desire.

Coaching is designed to help the client(s) see their path way to a change, understand the cost of not changing and help them experience what will happen if they set themselves free from their fears. Coaching also helps people experience their fears differently so the fears have a massively reduced impact.

  • Coaching is powerful, emotional, challenging and sometimes confusing as new perspectives on life are built. You will discover more about you than you ever knew before. You’ll discover how you work and how to get the best out of you and those around you.

Coaching pulls no punches because it tells you the truth, but it also supports you every step of the way to a far stronger you, freeing from your own fears.

Still not sure?

For those of you still wondering if you are ready to make the change you know you need to make. Your fears today are an outdated  illusion, they were set-up by your mind to protect you from something in your past, but they are now outdated and instead of rebalancing your life they will only limit you, that’s why you are unhappy today always feeling that something is wrong.

  • Deep inside you, you know that’s true!

I have seen clients who have lived with outdated fear patterns for 50+ years who are now rebuilding their lives and living the life they were born to live, minus the distorted view on their world driven by their fears.

Filed Under: Relationship Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Save A Failing Relationship

October 2, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

How to save a failing relationship fast. The first thing to notice is that whatever you are doing is clearly not working. Many people in relationships tend to repeat the same patterns hoping for a different reaction, but always get the same ones.

  • So bright intelligent people seem to lose their ability to learn, when they need it most.

For example:

A woman may complain, at her husband over and over again. Her constant complaining never seems to work. She has not learnt that this does not work. On occasions she can see that she has got him to do what she has asked, BUT he has done it from a place of resentment and deep inside her she knows this.

A man may retreat over and over again when he discovers a situation he does not like in his relationship. He may go silent, have a drink, go out. He practices this every time and every time he does this his wife becomes more crosser with him and so she resents him, deep inside him he knows this.

Punishment creates resentment and this is a pathway
to a relationship break-up.

Both men and women in these kind of situations feel stuck and so rather than searching for alternative behaviours they repeat what never works over and over in the hope that one day it will work.

Does punishment really create more love?

Socially we are conditioned that to get someone to change their behaviour we must punish them. This conditioning or brainwashing helps couples focus on punishment as a vehicle for change.

This is an illusion because whatever you put into a situation is usually what you get out. So if you put anger into a situation the usual reaction is you will be met with anger. Directly behind anger is fear so if your partner is shouting, know as a fact they are scared.

If couples could learn that love is the most powerful component for change in our partners then their behaviours would change and their relationship would transform. If couples could wake-up to what their partners are really saying then they would never punish them ever again.

What is the real message?

The wife who screams at frustration at her husband is actually communicating her fears that there might be something wrong with the relationship and she is scared. If the man knew this would he really run and ignore her, or would he love and support her? A real man would help her feel safe again.

The man who runs away is so frustrated and scared that he cannot fix this relationship, he cannot make her happy, so he can’t be good enough for her. If she knew his silence and running was a fear of losing her, do you think she would continue to help him feel less of a man by emotionally beating him up.

  • Fear of losing the one you love and the feelings that you are not enough actually serve to help relationships create the one thing the couple fears most. Break-up, Separation, Divorce and proof that for this relationship you were not enough!

Relationships can be saved really fast once the couple understand how to understand the messages their partner is really giving them.

Filed Under: Relationship Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Are You A Victim Of Mind Tricks In Your Relationship

September 25, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Beware because you might be a victim of mind tricks in your relationship created by YOU.

Yes your mind can play tricks on you and this can be destructive to your relationship. I’ll give you an example…

…when we experience something in our lives we convert that event into a meaning. The meaning we give that event is based on our unique and personal life experiences up to that moment, our values, our state at that moment in time and many other filters.

So when an event happens, the meaning we give to any situation is 100% unique to us. No one else will ever have the same experience. This means that an experience and the meaning we give it is purely a perception from one perspective.

The meaning we give an event is therefore not a fact, it is not true, it is not real, it’s simply a perspective. The problem is what we believe in the moment feels very real and so we react to an experience as if the meaning we give the experience is 100% real and true and therefore a fact.

How this works to hurt a relationship

Lets say you have a value such as RESPECT. If you get respect from others then you feel good, if you don’t you’ll feel bad.

The problem happens when you don’t show yourself RESPECT and you don’t give respect to others. We have to give ourselves what we value before we can give to to others if happiness is our goal. When we give ourselves our core values and we then give those things we value to others then we feel great inside, about ourselves.

  • If we don’t do this we automatically feel bad inside about ourselves and this is what creates problems.

A couple in conflict will have their internal filters set to always look for problems. So what happens is they are in states that will not allow them to make decisions and create behaviours that support themselves, or their relationship.

  • They end up disrespecting themselves and their partner. This makes them feel terrible inside, but because it happens so fast, they don’t understand why they feel bad and so they make their partner responsible for the bad feelings that they just created.

Now imagine if both people in a relationship are practising doing this and with critical foundation values such as TRUST, HONESTY, SECURITY and many, many more.

  • What happens is the couple and the relationship deteriorate and so they blame each other.

The longer the individuals in the relationship have this distorted view of their relationship, the more stuck they both feel so they can conclude the relationship is over.

If the couple can be shifted to a new state of mind and given a fresh perspective on their experiences then this challenges their belief system and so the relationship no longer feels so desperate.

The fact that others have the power to make us feel things is an illusion that creates fear within us

The truth is no one makes us feel anything, we create our own emotions. If we believe others have power over us to control us this alone can create a state of fear. So knowing you are in control, actually puts you back in control of YOU.

The goal is then to understand you and how you work so you can always be happy no matter what.

Filed Under: Relationship Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Older Posts