Is Withholding Love Part of Your Relationship Coping Pattern?

When couples experience problems in their relationship an automatic pattern usually appears. Couples find they have a need to withhold their love. They do it for two reasons firstly to protect themselves and secondly to punish their partner for the way they have been treated.

This pattern is automatic because we are conditioned growing up to move away from what causes us pain, plus society teaches us to punish a person when they have behaved badly.

The problem with pulling love away is it actually hurts the person who is pulling the love away and to make matters worse it actually hurts the relationship too. [Read more...]

It’s like living with a boy and I want a man?

We all have a past and that past has created us to be who we are today. We use our past to learn how to live. We model our parents so we know how to react when life feels wrong, or someone has treated us badly. We learn from our parents how relationships work. We model not just them, but all those around us as we grow.

So as an adult now, were those models the right ones for you? Were your partners models the right ones?

  • You only have to look at your life now to know the answer.

I see so many people who have pasts that have helped them to create coping patterns, beliefs and ways to live that make it impossible for a growth orientated relationship to flourish.

The couple just exist, in a box they call home.

There seems to big a big dilemma over the question, has my past affected me, the answer is yes! It’s how you learnt to live and keep yourself safe. Have a think now, when life doesn’t feel good to you, and you think about what you do in that moment, who do you think you copied? Was it mum or dad? Who does your partner copy?

Some people tell themselves stories that keep them stuck, some people have beliefs that they are no good enough, or they are not worthy of love.

It’s almost like they cast a spell on themselves and it’s based on something that happened to them in the past.

These coping patterns, these stories, these limiting beliefs about who you are? Are they really true?

Some women find themselves living with a man, but he feels like a boy to her? She loves him, but her attraction for him has gone. Some men find themselves living with a woman they feel they can’t please?

Where has a man learnt how to be so needy and child like? Where has that woman learn that punishment and withholding love is her answer to more love?

Simple behaviours done in the wrong way could just be destroying the very thing you want to keep?

Is this where you are? Do you not feel safe in your relationship when you try to imagine your future?

Is your past going to be a mirror for your future or are you going to take control and make a change now!

What are your relationship goals?

From married to dating it is critical that you create goals for your relationship to keep your relationship alive and full of passion.

Giving is one of the biggest goals you can contribute to your relationship. A lot of people in relationships are only interested in what they can get from their relationship and when they don’t think they are getting much, giving seems like the last thing they want to do.

So they withhold the giving as a punishment. Of course if someone does us a wrong we punish them! Wrong! Especially in relationships. Whenever has anyone felt more love after being punished. If you punish your partner you hurt your relationship and yourself.

The biggest goal is really very simple… [Read more...]

Relationship Coaching Sessions: Why Is Love The Answer?

One of the first things a couple has to understand, is that the answer to their relationship problems is in the love they have to give each other.

What couples usually do is pull their love away when their partner does something wrong.

So in the relationship sessions the couple go through a process of understanding the importance of living by what they believe is important. Not only does pulling love away not create love, but it also creates a destructive conflict within the individual who is pulling away.

The result is a double hit of internal problems for the individual pulling away. They experince a lack of love from their partner and the inability to trust themselves to live by their own values and beliefs. This serves to further create feelings of a heightened lack of security, this feels worse and so the result is usually more punishment all round as their state deteriorates.

The sessions are designed to help the couple understand how to create the right versions of themselves. The version they will have created is one of fear that life was not going to be the way it should be for them. This is the version that is designed for destruction, and is very different from the version they used to attract each other. [Read more...]

Is my past effecting my future?

The simple answer is yes. The reason is because the meanings that you have given to the world you live in has created your beliefs about the world. This is why everyone is so very different.

These beliefs feel like facts and so people behave as if they are.

This really shows up in relationships. For example, if you and your partner have experienced very different childhoods then your expectation of how life and relationships should be will be very different.

The result is misunderstandings and conflict as one or both people become fearful of an uncertain future together.

Other ways your past effects you is by the life conditions you were given. For example if arguments were part of how your family dealt with problems then this will be your pattern for problem solving.

In other words what goes in is what comes out, especially when under pressure.

We run patterns of behaviour that as children worked for us at that time.

This is where the fun begins, because many people I see in my clinics are still running those patterns as adults and I don’t mean those just turning 18 I am talking 18-70+.

Now imagine how much havoc a pattern that was designed for teenager or younger to cope with their world will have on the world of an adult in a relationship with children of their own.

The problem is those that are affected are not aware of what they are doing, or how it happened. To them their reactions are normal.
It’s usually not until they have experienced enough pain in their life do they say enough is enough and go in search of help.

This is where relationship coaches like myself step in and help individuals understand the real causes behind why they do what they do and how to create new belief systems that will support a future of growth.

Is Your Sub Conscious Mind Sabotaging Your Life?

Have you ever considered the possibility that the world in which you live in has programmed you to behave the way you do today.

For those of you that are sceptical, ask yourself why the government has banned advertisers wanting to use subliminal advertising. The reason is it works at deep level with our minds and can change our behaviours without us knowing.

If this is possible, what have we been programmed to do and think without knowing, the simple answer is probably far more than we would like.

When you think about it you are programmed to do lots of things without thinking, or understanding why you do what you do. Some things don’t matter such as, how you always brush your teeth, or which shoe you always put on first.

BUT there are other things, important things you will have set up just like those without knowing that will be affecting your perception and behaviour in the world you live in.

How much of our own thoughts do we actually own, and how much has been given to us by our journey through life.

Put another way, what has your mind been fed? If you do not have the life you are after then you must have been fed the wrong programme to get what you don‘t want.

What’s important to learn here is, it is us that creates our life and our futures. This puts us back in control so we can start to learn what programme(s) do we need to load or feed our minds to get what we desire most.

The starting point is to not always believe your own thoughts and hype. Look at how you behave and the actions you take. This is far more telling than what you say.

A persons belief system is not fact, yet people act as if their beliefs are facts. It is this illusion that helps individuals stay stuck in lives they don’t want or create havoc in relationships they do want.

Everyone has to be open to the possibility that what they understand of their world is just one perspective and this could have all the design features to destroy the very thing they want to have or keep.

If life is not the way it should be for you then maybe now is the time to understand what is going wrong and how to change it.

If your behaviours are hurting you, you are running the wrong programme or pattern. Or put another way you are consistently behaving in a way that gives you the reverse of what you want.

Is this happening to you?

Call Stephen Hedger today!

Test – How negative are you?

If you have been following this blog you will notice that the more you focus your mind on something the more of it you get.

This is true for things you want and things you don’t.

When you look at your life today everything you have is a direct result of where your mind has been focused.

Many of us have no idea how we focus our thoughts and the power those thoughts have on our lives and the paths we follow.

What’s critical to know is the consistent actions you are taking have a direct impact on the life you have today and more importantly the life you are about to have!

So here is a test for you to try.

The purpose of the test is to discover if your consistent thoughts are having a direct impact on your life and the future you are creating.

Take two pieces of paper, at the top of the first piece write POSITIVE and the top of the next write NEGATIVE

Over the course of today write down the thoughts you are having and put them onto either the positive of the negative sheets.

The rules of the test

Negative means a focus on everything you don’t want.

For example: I don‘t have any money, I’m fed up of our arguments. These statements focus your mind on what you don’t want. The problems is this focus gets you more of what you don’t want.

A positive focus would be:

Example: How can I make myself more valuable to the market to get the money I need to live the way I want to live. This focuses the person towards education and intelligence. The focus here is on growth (this creates movement towards what you want) rather than a lack (this creates feeling of being stuck or helpless) of money

Instead of a focus on “I’m fed up of our arguments” A positive person would focus on wanting a loving relationship and help their partner to be less afraid. A positive person would help their partner when they are afraid to feel secure again.

So are you more likely to be positive or negative, do you want to find out?

Are you up for the challenge remember the more honest you are the faster you will learn how to get the life you want.

Let me know how you get on. You can do this over 1 day or 7 days it’s up to you. Do this with your partner.

Remember this is not a competition and a platform to prove you right or your partner wrong if that is your focus put those thoughts in the negative space now.

Good luck!

Relationship Coaching: With Stephen Hedger

Many of my clients come to me with a goal of what they would like to achieve.

Whilst I do help them to achieve their goals sometimes their specific goal could lead them into disaster, maybe to false hope, or failure which just adds insult to injury.

My job as a relationship coach is to re-define their goals so they are achievable.

For example, many clients want to get old relationships back. They want to understand why their relationships have failed and what can they do to get the relationships back.

Other clients come to me as couples not understanding why they are going round in circles.

My first task is usually to help clients go for goals such as happiness first. There are many reason why I take clients down this road.

The first is because getting clients on the verge, or in depression out of their land of despair into a confident and successful place where life is full of opportunity and fun is a great re-focus for those tormented by their loss of the life they really wanted.

The second is because if their goal is to get an old relationship back or their current one back on track, presenting a depressed person as a potential life partner is never very successful.

Present a person who is magnetic to success, life and lives life true to who they really are, now that’s a different story.

It really does not matter what stage of a relationship you are in, becoming the person you want to be is critical to attracting all you desire from your life, including your partner.

What many couples fail to recognise is that despite being together for years they still have to market themselves to attract their partners, but usually they become lazy and fearful.

As a relationship coach I help individual build amazing relationships with themselves first. When individuals connect with their true selves it’s like a light has gone on and life can be seen as an adventure once more, but this time from a place of honesty and this time without the fears.

A relationships coaches job is not to fix relationships. The coaches job is to help individual build amazing relationships with themselves so they can present an honest exciting version of themselves to their partners.

From this place, growth, lasting passion is possible and a relationship coach can show clients the way to support each other to a shared vision/journey through life.

Start Here

If your relationship is in trouble and you have tried everything to fix it yourself and nothing is working then these are the simple steps that will have a massive impact on your relationship.

These are some of the key steps I use when working with couples in crisis.

Step 1 – Get leverage

I help people understand the true cost of not fixing their relationship problems. When people decide to split-up they don’t think about the true cost both emotionally and financially. The cost is always much bigger than they thought, it’s far more expensive, the emotional fall out goes on for years and massively effects their future relationships, plus their children are affected for life sometimes hating their parents. [Read more...]

Does Relationship Coaching Work?

Does Relationship Coaching Work? This is question I get asked by many new callers who are interested in coming to coaching sessions with me.

It’s an interesting question because there are many factors involved in the successful outcome of the sessions.

The process that creates the change

  • The first is my total commitment to making change happen for my clients.
  • Someone who does want change to happen, but fears the change, will need a really good reason to making that shift and so leverage is required through understanding the real cost of not changing, whilst moving them towards something far more attractive.
  • The client also has to practice what the sessions teach, so an equal commitment to applying what you learn is also critical to help you change. Whilst the coaching is accelerated learning for the mind, the client has to reinforce the sessions with constructive behaviours taught in the sessions to undo destructive behaviours potentially practised for years.
  • The clients who come to the session and don’t practice what they are taught take longer to change.
  • The clients who are totally committed to changing their lives apply all they learn in the sessions and so shift their perspectives and lives really fast.

Are you ready to change and commit to you?

Any client can make a change really fast, what takes the time is the deciding if it’s really safe to make the change they desire.

Coaching is designed to help the client(s) see their path way to a change, understand the cost of not changing and help them experience what will happen if they set themselves free from their fears. Coaching also helps people experience their fears differently so the fears have a massively reduced impact.

  • Coaching is powerful, emotional, challenging and sometimes confusing as new perspectives on life are built. You will discover more about you than you ever knew before. You’ll discover how you work and how to get the best out of you and those around you.

Coaching pulls no punches because it tells you the truth, but it also supports you every step of the way to a far stronger you, freeing from your own fears.

Still not sure?

For those of you still wondering if you are ready to make the change you know you need to make. Your fears today are an outdated  illusion, they were set-up by your mind to protect you from something in your past, but they are now outdated and instead of rebalancing your life they will only limit you, that’s why you are unhappy today always feeling that something is wrong.

  • Deep inside you, you know that’s true!

I have seen clients who have lived with outdated fear patterns for 50+ years who are now rebuilding their lives and living the life they were born to live, minus the distorted view on their world driven by their fears.

Save A Failing Relationship

How to save a failing relationship fast. The first thing to notice is that whatever you are doing is clearly not working. Many people in relationships tend to repeat the same patterns hoping for a different reaction, but always get the same ones.

  • So bright intelligent people seem to lose their ability to learn, when they need it most.

For example:

A woman may complain, at her husband over and over again. Her constant complaining never seems to work. She has not learnt that this does not work. On occasions she can see that she has got him to do what she has asked, BUT he has done it from a place of resentment and deep inside her she knows this.

A man may retreat over and over again when he discovers a situation he does not like in his relationship. He may go silent, have a drink, go out. He practices this every time and every time he does this his wife becomes more crosser with him and so she resents him, deep inside him he knows this.

Punishment creates resentment and this is a pathway
to a relationship break-up.

Both men and women in these kind of situations feel stuck and so rather than searching for alternative behaviours they repeat what never works over and over in the hope that one day it will work.

Does punishment really create more love?

Socially we are conditioned that to get someone to change their behaviour we must punish them. This conditioning or brainwashing helps couples focus on punishment as a vehicle for change.

This is an illusion because whatever you put into a situation is usually what you get out. So if you put anger into a situation the usual reaction is you will be met with anger. Directly behind anger is fear so if your partner is shouting, know as a fact they are scared.

If couples could learn that love is the most powerful component for change in our partners then their behaviours would change and their relationship would transform. If couples could wake-up to what their partners are really saying then they would never punish them ever again.

What is the real message?

The wife who screams at frustration at her husband is actually communicating her fears that there might be something wrong with the relationship and she is scared. If the man knew this would he really run and ignore her, or would he love and support her? A real man would help her feel safe again.

The man who runs away is so frustrated and scared that he cannot fix this relationship, he cannot make her happy, so he can’t be good enough for her. If she knew his silence and running was a fear of losing her, do you think she would continue to help him feel less of a man by emotionally beating him up.

  • Fear of losing the one you love and the feelings that you are not enough actually serve to help relationships create the one thing the couple fears most. Break-up, Separation, Divorce and proof that for this relationship you were not enough!

Relationships can be saved really fast once the couple understand how to understand the messages their partner is really giving them.

Are You A Victim Of Mind Tricks In Your Relationship

Beware because you might be a victim of mind tricks in your relationship created by YOU.

Yes your mind can play tricks on you and this can be destructive to your relationship. I’ll give you an example…

…when we experience something in our lives we convert that event into a meaning. The meaning we give that event is based on our unique and personal life experiences up to that moment, our values, our state at that moment in time and many other filters.

So when an event happens, the meaning we give to any situation is 100% unique to us. No one else will ever have the same experience. This means that an experience and the meaning we give it is purely a perception from one perspective.

The meaning we give an event is therefore not a fact, it is not true, it is not real, it’s simply a perspective. The problem is what we believe in the moment feels very real and so we react to an experience as if the meaning we give the experience is 100% real and true and therefore a fact.

How this works to hurt a relationship

Lets say you have a value such as RESPECT. If you get respect from others then you feel good, if you don’t you’ll feel bad.

The problem happens when you don’t show yourself RESPECT and you don’t give respect to others. We have to give ourselves what we value before we can give to to others if happiness is our goal. When we give ourselves our core values and we then give those things we value to others then we feel great inside, about ourselves.

  • If we don’t do this we automatically feel bad inside about ourselves and this is what creates problems.

A couple in conflict will have their internal filters set to always look for problems. So what happens is they are in states that will not allow them to make decisions and create behaviours that support themselves, or their relationship.

  • They end up disrespecting themselves and their partner. This makes them feel terrible inside, but because it happens so fast, they don’t understand why they feel bad and so they make their partner responsible for the bad feelings that they just created.

Now imagine if both people in a relationship are practising doing this and with critical foundation values such as TRUST, HONESTY, SECURITY and many, many more.

  • What happens is the couple and the relationship deteriorate and so they blame each other.

The longer the individuals in the relationship have this distorted view of their relationship, the more stuck they both feel so they can conclude the relationship is over.

If the couple can be shifted to a new state of mind and given a fresh perspective on their experiences then this challenges their belief system and so the relationship no longer feels so desperate.

The fact that others have the power to make us feel things is an illusion that creates fear within us

The truth is no one makes us feel anything, we create our own emotions. If we believe others have power over us to control us this alone can create a state of fear. So knowing you are in control, actually puts you back in control of YOU.

The goal is then to understand you and how you work so you can always be happy no matter what.

Are Your Fears Destroying Your Relationship?

Everyone one has fears, and in relationships where people are out of control of what their partners could do, can experience their fears can becoming significantly magnified.

  • The most common fear is that we will on some level will not being enough for our partners!

When we feel this way we can start to change our behaviours to balance out our feelings or fears. Unfortunately the feelings of creating balance is an illusion and what really happens is a pathway to creating the very thing we fear.

For example a person who fears their partner leaving them might display some of the behaviours below.

  • This person could experience uncontrollable jealousy
  • They might become very involved in what their partner does
  • The could subject their partner to a barrage of texts, emails, phone calls
  • They could constantly seek approval or significance
  • They may even start to shut down emotionally to block our their feelings if it gets really intense

The problem with these behaviours is the person who on the receiving end of this can feel they are not trusted, and as trust is one of the key foundations of any relationship the relationship can start to feel unstable.

This results in them both acting in fear states as they can now both fear the relationship ending, or not being how it should be and so they both go into self-protection as they can no longer see a future that’s either happy or together.

In these fear states the couple can start to take control in many different ways. Unfortunately the fear states they are in does not usually create an environment of growth and so the relationship starts to die.

So the possible feelings of not being enough start to come true.

Fears can generate the total reverse of what
a relationship needs to grow and survive.

Both people can start to attach resentment to each other as they stop feeling secure. The passion will start to fade and this can be dangerous for the relationship as both parties still have needs that have to be met. They stop feeling important to each other and they feel their connection starts to fade.

Many couples will start to notice that the relationship is no longer fulfilling their needs and so they discover that they go outside of the relationship to feel good again.

  • At this point they can conclude that the relationship is no longer working.

Is this where you are? Would you like to change this? Maybe you are fearful and you want to control it but you don’t know how. If so get in touch today!

Stressed, depressed, anxious, unhappy for no reason?

Many people I see in relationship coaching sessions suffer from an inner conflict of some kind where no matter what they choose they are unhappy. This can bring on feelings of being depressed, stressed, anxious or unhappy either for what they think is the reason, or for no reason at all.

They go round-and-round in circles with their own thoughts, never really knowing what seems right. They know something is wrong, but they can never put their finger on what is really causing their pain.

The most usual route to success with this kind of problem is…

Step one

…is to understand if there is a gap between how they think their life should be compared to their perception of their own reality. A difference here will give anyone a feeling that they are not living the life they were born to live, yet their might be really good reason why they have not got what they want, but they either can’t accept it, or their map of how life should be is out of date.

Step two

…to understand how the different personalities within themselves have created the life they have today. They are usually are living in a fear state were they are ready for problems to hit them all of the time and this version of them is usually exhausted, so they feel down, or depressed, stress, anxious or all four.

Step three

…to understand their critical needs, values and rules for life. What we usually discover is that without knowing they have set these up so they can never win and so they always go round-and-round in circles, looking for answers that never appear. They look for what they think the problem is and so they either blame it, or remove it and this could be their relationship,

Step four

…is to realign all these parts of them so they are working together and then to build strength and confidence within the individual so they are able to create resourceful states at will, so they are always in control.

Taking these four steps whilst getting leverage so a change become easier for the individual makes a massive impact on how the individuals now sees the world.

They can see why they have gotten to where they are today and what is hurting them. This detailed information helps them choose a better way to live and still creates the happiness they were always after.

Does this sound like something you are suffering with, maybe your partner is unhappy, but they don’t know why, or perhaps you have a friend or family member who suffers from depression or stress and can’t seem to break that pattern

  • If so I can help please get in touch today click here

What Can Relationship Coaching Do For You?

From Judges to Housewives from Business professionals even to an Ex-Vietnam Soldier, I have helped people from all walks of life make the changes they wanted in their lives.

No matter what challenge you are focused on today, or how impossible it may seem, a change for happiness is always possible. If you believe change is not possible then you will make that true as you direct your actions elsewhere and that will always equal failure.

In coaching with me I will show you how to make powerful changes that last.

How does it work

The way that coaching with me works is we will work together to uncover the truth of what is happening in your life and relationship.

This helps us because from a place of honesty we can plan the steps that will get you from where we know you are today to where you really want to be.

We’ll also uncover what you don’t yet know about you and your partner.

You will get to understand why your situation is the way it is today, and what behaviours and decisions created that direction for you.

We will uncover how you work, in other in other words what is the true key to your happiness and what will keep you down in unhappiness. With this knowledge you will know what to avoid that you don‘t know today.

  • This key part of my sessions opens up a world that clients didn’t even know existed about themselves.

Through all of this you will discover how your behaviours affect others and how to change them not only to help you to be happier, but how to create a far deeper connection than ever before with those you love.

How To Create Lasting Changes

As the coaching progresses and your confidence in how you work grows and your fears start to disappear, I will build in powerful leverage so that you will never consider going back to where you were before and the changes we are making in you are lasting.

Powerful emotions the path to results

Coaching with me as many of my past clients will agree brings out powerful emotions, because coaching challenges core belief systems. Your beliefs, values and rules you have set up without knowing is on some level is going to be hurting you.

Crying, laughing, surprise, anger these are all normal responses to coaching with me that are conducted in a safe non-judgemental 100% confidential and controlled environment. These powerful responses are indication that the coaching is working and proves how alive you really are no matter what’s going happening for you.

Clients also in the beginning experience “confusion”, this is also a great sign because a new map in your mind of how you work is being built, and that soon moves to understanding which builds more confidence, self-esteem.

Coaching tools

During your sessions you will be given specific tools that will help you manage yourself away from the coaching sessions, so you will feel confident on demand, and safe in the knowledge that when you leave coaching with me you will always know what decisions will always equal happiness for you.

Why not discover what coaching can do for you NOW, if your life and relationship just isn’t right, there is going to be a reason and a small shift in either you, or you and your partner can make a massive difference to your future.

Remember no action is a choice too, that will always get you nothing or even more of what you have today!

Make a different choice today… Don’t imagine spending the next 5 years like this…

Call me..!

What Is Your Perfect Relationship?

When I ask couples what is your perfect relationship? The couple usually struggle to tell me. The woman may say I want to be loved unconditionally, and feel secure. The man will usually struggles, and says what he thinks his partner wants to hear.

If a business was run this way it would fail…

If you don’t define the goals of your relationship together then the relationship has no direction, no purpose and no reason for existing.

The truth is most couples want to have what they perceive to be a perfect relationship when they start out, yet when challenged have no idea what that really means.

So in translation the couple becomes upset that they have not achieved a relationship goal that neither of them can agree on or define.

Does this makes sense in anyone’s world? Of course not, but most couples do it.

Unless you have defined what you both want your future to be like, you could be putting your relationship at risk. The reason is because the mind will try to fill in the blanks that couple have neglected to create.

So what happens is the mind will create two futures, his and hers, these will be different and so when the future does not equal what the perceptions are, one or both people in the couple become unsettled or unhappy.

The needs I spoke about in the last post will create the values we all wants such as security, love, respect, gratitude, adventure, fun, trust etc…

The values/needs that have to be met are unique to each individual within a couple. So what future together will ensure that each of their critical needs/values are consistently met that still equals growth of the relationship.

Not understanding this will help any couple to be lost without knowing, until one day one of their critical values that is missing will help them to feel miserable and so they will want to leave the relationship or go elsewhere to have that value met.

Lets say the value that’s missing is adventure or fun. If you have worked tirelessly together to create a money for the future and that’s all you have done, you will feel financially secure, but this won’t equal happiness for you. You could feel bored and feel insecure that the relationship will never make you happy.

Know this, if you are unhappy in your relationship it’s because your needs/values are not being met today, or you fear a future that does not equal your values /needs being met.

Lack of direction in your relationship will equal problems… Is that what you want?

What Makes Relationships Successful?

One of the questions I get asked as a relationship coach is what makes the difference between an normal or failing relationship and an extra-ordinary relationship or what makes relationships successful?

The answer is simple…

Apply these simple 3 steps to your relationship every day

  1. Understand what you need

  2. Understand what your partner needs

  3. And spend your life giving your partner what they
    need every single day.

When you live in a relationship that is full of two people who understand each others needs to this degree and they are using their energy to make sure their partner is meeting their daily needs, this is a relationship that has no choice but to grow on every possible level.

Both people in the relationship will feel so loved and important to each other, and this will create a security and freedom between them that will enable unconditional love to flourish.

However most people don’t live in this relationship…

…because they don’t practice those three rules.

If you are in a relationship that just ok, or you seem to be fighting alot and you’re scared for the future, or you would like a partner, but have yet to find one.

  • Those 3 key rules must be your relationship goal starting today.

The reverse of the above is divorce, separation, affairs, lack of intimacy, lack of trust, lack of respect and plenty of pain…

How to discover your needs

Coaching with Stephen Hedger will help both you and your partner understand what those critical needs are. If you are single then we will discover your needs so you can communicate them to your new partners when you get them.

Critical Relationship Help For You

This has to be the most important relationship help and advice you will ever hear so please, please make sure you really understand this? No matter what relationship stage you are in, from dating to a long-term relationship.

If you don’t practice these three steps you will go through a lot pain together.

These are the KEY critical, but simple steps.

1. Understand in the context of a relationship your needs and wants in detail. Get clear on your relationship fears and what sort of person you need to be to attract the person you desire most (connecting with the real you is critical no matter if you are single or in a relationship).

2. Understand the needs, wants, and fears of your partner.

3. Without judgement help your partner through their fears and become addicted to understanding and meeting their needs every day.

If you both do this then the relationship you have always wanted can be yours.

So if it’s this simple why do so many people have problems?

The answer to this is simple also.

1. Most people do not understand their needs and how they work. So if you don’t understand your needs then how can you expect your partner to know them and meet them for you. If you have relationship problems it’s because the needs within the relationship are not being met.

2. People do not want to focus on their fears and so they hide them away until they come out and spoil the relationship. If you value “honestly” then get clear on your fears because with the right focus they can be removed or managed, no matter what has happened in your past.

3. When two people live their lives with fears running in the background and this applies to most couples, both people in the relationship will never be free to be who they really are. They then live together in distorted versions of themselves. This is what causes your fighting. The more problems you get with each other the more problems you’ll start to find. This makes unconditional love impossible.

4. The chance of meeting your partners needs whilst in a fear state is ZERO and so to stay safe, and stay in the relationship you may start to trade for things, love and affection. You both then end up two people taking from each other because you have to.

  • Successful unconditional relationship are different, because the couple spend their lives giving what their partner wants most, and so they never have the need to take. This is what makes the difference!

Understanding this is the reason why Relationship Coaching with Stephen Hedger is so powerful.

You will be guided step-by-step to understand your critical needs and if they are set up for pain or pleasure. You will understand that your fears were designed to protect you, but are now out dated, but they are still running, harming your relationship and your future.

  • Don’t live in fear, because you will regret that decision.

Dealing with Fears & Trust

When dealing with fears and trust issues many people don’t believe they fear anything in their lives, but when you go deeper into what is guiding their lives you can easily discover many fears at play without them knowing.

We will all naturally move towards pleasure and away from pain, and we all do this without thinking. So if this happens automatically, what are you moving away from without knowing, and is this really the best decision for you?

Dealing with your fears

Not understand your fears can create lives you don’t want, so Relationship Coach Stephen Hedger looks at how fears in relationships can help you attract the wrong people, and live the wrong life, resulting in you feeling that something is always wrong or missing.

In relationships, fears play a big part in all our lives. We fear being hurt by giving ourselves totally to others.

This is why trust is such a foundation of our relationships. Most people view trust in connection to affairs, but trust is needed in every area of the relationship.

  • We want to trust our partners will look after us
  • We want to trust they will make us the most important part of their lives
  • We want to trust that their love is unconditional
  • We want our partners to want to make our lives special
  • We want our partners to help us grow as people
  • We want our partners to be always put us first

Side note: Most people would describe a list of what they don’t want in their lives, but be aware that we are all easily seduced towards all that’s wrong in our lives and this only serves to create more problems. To be successful you focus needs to be only on what you do want because this is what will drive you forward…

When we consistently receive all these things from our partners then we have proof that we can trust our partners to help us live the lives we always wanted.

When we don’t receive these things from those that say they love us, our trust gets dented and we start to fear a future with this person this will change our behaviours and move us away from them.

The problems with FEARS is this, unless a fear is proven 100% is usually only true in the mind of the individual.

Past experiences will create fear responses when similar situations present themselves. So you could create a fear to a situation with a partner that to you means they cannot be trusted.

When you consistently focus on your fears without knowing you are presenting to the world a distorted version of you. So if you are dating then you will attract people who are interested in this version of you. The real you would attract a totally different person.

In a long-term relationship your fears will create a barrier between you and your partner and so unconditional love will never be yours.

If you desire a free peaceful life, full of love, then understanding and removing your fears is a must.

  • Please note: To many removing their fears, also creates fears, because so far this distorted version of themselves has kept them safe. This is why so many people become stuck for so many years afraid to move forward or backwards no matter how hard they try.

How Can I Survive The Affair? -TRUE STORY

I recently received a comment on a post I wrote about building trust. This lady writes about her worries about her partners affair. She now struggles to trust her partner and things are getting worse. I am not aware of the total story, however what this lady is going through is very common and so I wanted to share my thoughts based on her words.

She wrote…

I have been with my fiancé for 14 years now.  4 years ago he had an emotional affair.  We decided to try and rebuild our relationship as we both accepted that we had made little effort in the preceding months.  However since then I have found it almost impossible to trust him again.

He continues to keep secrets from me and these secrets always involve a text “friendship” with a younger woman.  I have frequently told him how this makes me feel (as this is how the affair started) but he is adamant that he has done nothing wrong; my view is that if there was nothing to these texts he wouldn’t feel the need to delete all evidence from his phone.

He regularly promises to stop texting these women but it rarely lasts and I have started obsessively checking his phone and phone bills again.  I know my behaviour doesn’t help but I was completely taken by surprise when he cheated on me and I can’t help but think that the only way to avoid that sucker punch again is to be vigilant.

Lately our relationship has started to deteriorate significantly, our sex-life is non-existent because the lack of trust and ever increasing frustration and anger I feel at these continuous lies gets in the way.  Recently things have come to a head, neither of us is happy although we love each other very much.  I just feel worn out and want to stop feeling the way

I do – even if that means ending the relationship.  I simply cannot contemplate feeling this way for the rest of my life. The thought of being without him makes me feel ill, I really don’t think I could love anyone else as much but I’m at the end of my tether and just don’t feel strong enough to really fight for our relationship.

Help.

This is my response

Of course I only have one side of the story and so my response maybe a little slanted.

My first impression  is the amount of fear that is driving you both. The fears you are both experiencing are so powerful, that they will not allow you both to be who you really are. You have both fallen in love with the real versions of each other, but your fears are creating behaviours that are destroying the relationship.

I know the affair is a painful and terrible experience, but it is a symptom of a deeper problem that needs to be solved if you want the relationship to survive.

You know the relationship is wrong as it is, but something is stopping you getting past a block you have both created. This is why you are still together living in this painful place.

This means the relationship becomes stuck and in your case for 14 years. Afraid to commit together and now too afraid to leave.

Something has to break the cycle of fear to remove your pain to give the relationship a chance. The fear is created because the needs of the individual(s) in the relationship were not being met. Or one or both of you believed that your needs in the future would not be met by this relationship.

Either way there is a belief in your relationship that fears it would not make one or both of you happy.

Understanding each other needs and beliefs is critical to you both at this point because…

These constant fears have driven you both to start to resent each other and so the relationship starts to suffer. You admit you both put little effort into the relationship and so it started to die. Any relationship that stop growing will start dieing and so the result in this case has been an affair.

For him his needs have not been met in the relationship and so too afraid to leave, he looks to have his needs met outside of the relationship. If the needs of any relationship are not met then some kind of trouble is likely, an affair is just one behaviour that can result.

You will also have deeper needs which will be met in other ways other than through the relationship. You may be connecting or looking for love from family, friends or children.

How ever you are both getting your needs met if they are not with each other then the trust will be going or gone between you.

When the affair was discovered you were too afraid to end the relationship and so you have no choice, but to accept the affair and are very likely to search for what you did wrong to make the affair possible.

Because none of the fears and worries have been removed from the relationship he has started to resort back to his old pattern of seeking the good feelings he gets when he is with other women.

He knows this hurts his you, but he won’t stop because he wants to feel good, and he has learnt to show you  a lack of respect over time and now this is acceptable to him. Fearing a split you will not give him an ultimatum and so you are left with complaining and you know this drives him further away from you.

By accepting his new behaviours and keeping him in your relationship, you are teaching him that his behaviours are OK, so he has no reason to change what he is doing. At the moment his feeling are the opposite, it is more painful to him to stop seeing these women so he will defend his right by saying that nothing is going on.

So on one level you feel that you should trust him, but your fears of his affair have driven you to check up on him. Your life is becoming consumed with all that’s wrong and you are becoming understandably exhausted.

This is clearly no life for you both.

And as soon as the pain for either one of you becomes greater than the fear of leaving, then one of you will leave the relationship.

My question is this: I wonder what this relationship would look like without the fears. This you say you love each other and I believe you.

You have just not found away to meet each other needs and this is what’s driving your fears for the future.

When you can find away to meet each others needs on all levels, he will no longer want to be near other women and you will discover how to rebuild your trust and get you passion back.

So the answer is, understand the drivers behind your fears. Understand both your critical needs and make meeting them your life’s mission.

Then you will gain respect back for yourself and live a future that is happy and fear free.