The Most Common Relationship Problem Couples Bring To My Sessions

This dynamic between husband and wife is very common: Wife feels husband doesn’t understand her, she has put up with it for years. She believes he doesn’t love her and so spends time thinking about what a life without him would feel like, (he is unaware of the severity of the problems in the relationship, although she feels she has been very clear about her feelings) but initially she stays with him because of the children.

She knows a time bomb is ticking in their relationship.

She has tried and tried to get through to him, but can’t, he sees this as nagging and being negative, frustrated at his lack of understanding she can communicate aggressively or depending on how long this has gone on for she could have shut down not seeing the point in communicating.

She wants him to be a man, but she feels he is more like one of the children. She feels like she has to look after him emotionally, but that support is not reciprocated. [Read more...]

Relationships are destroyed because of this one action…

If your relationship is struggling it’s usually because there is a needs issue. The couple feel that their own needs are not being met and so they feel that something is wrong.

For example a man could be complaining that the intimacy has declined. A woman could complain that she has to do everything?

Everyone has their own versions of their needs not being met so when it happens it can cause real problems.

What you can notice is the emphasis is on what THEY are NOT getting. If this goes on for long enough they can stop trusting each other to be the source of happiness. [Read more...]

Behaviours Most Likely To Cause Relationship Problems

I have put together a list of some of the behaviours I see and hear that are likely to cause relationship problems. Yes I did run this list yesterday, but it’s so important to understand. I know some of you missed it!

    1. Couples tell me that love is important all the time, yet when challenged their love is clearly conditional. “I won’t give love unless…they do, or I feel safe, or I feel important, or I feel respected… the list goes on!”
    2. If I give to my partner, what will I get in return? If anyone gives to get, they are trading for what they want and this is guaranteed to kill their sex life dead!
    3. Couples think punishing each other works? Yet it never occurs to them that whenever they are punished they don’t feel more love, so they are killing the relationship bit-by-bit.
    4. Couples don’t create a plan or a direction for their lives together past having children. They then become fearful because of the relationship because it’s going no-where. [Read more...]

50 + Problems in Relationships

Below is a list of 50+ problems in relationships some of the questions/confusions I receive surrounding relationships. As I have been collecting this list I was wondering what you wanted to read about. Please either leave a comment below or send your request maybe with your own question to my contact page. Please use the title: Problems in relationships.

    1. Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships
    2. Why Low Self Esteem Causes Problems in Relationships
    3. Controlling & Abusive Relationships
    4. Financial decision making in relationships
    5. Violence in Relationships
    6. Games in relationships
    7. Happiness in Relationships
    8. Unhappiness in Relationships
    9. Self Esteem in Relationships
    10. Being overbearing & possessive in relationships
    11. Laws Of Attraction In Relationships
    12. Stress in Relationships
    13. Establishing Healthy Boundaries In Relationships
    14. Being present in relationship
    15. Playful Communication in Relationships
    16. The Forbidden Fruit in Relationships
    17. Empathy In Relationships
    18. Power control and individuality issues in relationships
    19. Why do Women cheat in Relationships
    20. Verbal Abuse in relationships
    21. Controlling Anger in Relationships
    22. Sex In Relationships
    23. Why do people cheat in relationships
    24. Cheating in Relationships
    25. Insecurity In Relationships
    26. 4 Possessive/Jealous Men in Relationships
    27. The 10 biggest mistakes men make in relationships
    28. Why Do Some Men Get Scared in Relationships
    29. White Lies In Relationships
    30. Increase Chemistry in Relationships
    31. Are You Insecure In Relationships
    32. Longevity in Relationships
    33. Cheating in Relationships
    34. Being Honest In Relationships
    35. Dishonesty in Relationships
    36. Women more likely to stray in relationships
    37. Resentment In Relationships
    38. Playing the Blame Game in Relationships
    39. Jealousy in Relationships
    40. Dealing with breakups in relationships
    41. Finding Balance in Relationships
    42. Communication in Relationships
    43. Does Age Matter in Relationships
    44. Are You Lazy In Relationships
    45. Emotional Intelligence in Relationships
    46. Strength in Relationships
    47. Abuse in Relationships
    48. Trust Issues in Relationships
    49. How to Resolve Conflicts in Your Relationships
    50. Commitment Issues in Relationships
    51. Romance Advice: Competition In Relationships
    52. Symptoms of codependent behavior in relationships

How to quickly sort relationship problems

The challenge all couples face with relationship problems is they can’t see how to stop their problems. They use the same strategy over and over again with always the same results – destruction!

So if you are both doing the same thing and it’s not working then maybe it’s time to change that behaviour.

Understand what drives your partner

When couples are in crisis, what happens is they both revert to wanting whatever drives them the most.

For example: If a female is worried about the relationship she may want to feel secure again. If the man is worried he might feel that the relationship will never work and so he might feel insignificant as a man. He can’t make her happy and can’t fix the problems in the relationship.

To feel significant again, he may become frustrated/angry and either give up in some way, threaten to leave, or get very loud.

If she is driven by security or certainty, his frustrated behaviour will fuel her lack of certainty and she will pull her love away spend more time with friends or family. This fuels his fear that he will never be enough for her.

These are not the only patterns that happen in relationships, but you can be sure that there will be one you are both fueling.

I recently saw a couple with this pattern, at the start of the session you could see that for both of them the end was not far away. He could not see a future with her and told her and she had lost all trust that he would keep her safe. They looked doomed, but with a young child I knew they both wanted help fast!

By using their core driving forces I was able help them both understand how they could meet their own core need and meet their partners at the same time. When they both realised they could do this and feel good they embraced a new behaviour that meant the relationship could grow.

He then could see a future with her, she felt safe again and they left smiling and hand-in-hand – the trust was rebuilt and the needs were met.

All this happened in one session.

Change does NOT have to take along time it happens very fast, but only when they both feel safe to change. So it’s the feeling safe to change that takes the time. My job is to help them feel safe fast by helping them understand that not changing was not going to meet their primary needs. Once they understood that the change was easy.

Will it last?

This is a question I always get asked. If the couple keep focused on meeting each others primary needs especially when further challenges hit they will be successful.

This couple learnt how to do this in detail and why it’s important, we covered many areas of human behaviour and differences between men and women. So the couple always goes away with tools to help both themselves and each other without me there.

Relationship Problems Explained

I have many couples and individuals come to me when life doesn’t feel how they had hoped. They share with me feelings of not being themselves, disconnected in some way.

From this place everything seems worse, they create a fear that life may not be the same again, this serves to create more fear.

This fear is normal within individuals no matter what situation they find themselves in. From victims of affairs, to those on the receiving end of a break-up all feel that fear, but in any relationship situation that does not feel right, that fear can feel very real and scary.

Those that find themselves in this place are usually after two key things, they want to feel “significant” and they want to feel “secure”. [Read more...]

Relationship problems won’t stop – what do you do?

You feel stuck, on one hand you have feelings of love for what you used to have together, but you also know that every day you feel unhappy it’s getting worse and now you can’t see a future together.

You just want to get back to where you were.

Men and women will approach this situation differently, women will usually want to complain, or talk and test their partners love for them. Men will either shutdown, run, argue or just do what they’re are told (for a quiet life).

This method of fixing the relationship is usually built around punishment.

Is this you? Have you been punishing your partner to get them to change?

Consider this… When in your past have you been punished by your partner and then felt more love for them after?

I expect your answer is never!

Yes this never works, so instead of fighting or punishing convert all that energy into loving them more.

If your expectation is that you want your partner to be the best they can be for you, why not practice what you preach and be the best you can be for them first.

You are conditioned by society to punish when someone has done something wrong. In relationships it never ever works.

If in the past you feel your punishment has worked you can bet that your partner did what you wanted with a side order of attaching resentment to you.

Resentment is never far away from a lack of respect and that’s very close to the end of your relationship.

Invisible Relationship Problems

Is your partner saying they want your relationship to work, and yet their behaviours suggest the reverse. Now you find yourself on red alert, constantly ready for trouble.

If this is happening to you, your natural response will be to mistrust your partners intentions, and react as if they are trying to hurt you on purpose.

As difficult as this may sound your partner maybe be stuck and in need of your help. Helping someone who seems to be choosing to hurt you, goes against everything you have been taught.

The rules for creating successful relationships are not the same as how we deal with people in the rest of our lives.

For example if someone does something wrong we punish them so they won’t do it again and that is the pattern we have all been taught that gets results… but does it?

In relationships punishment never works. That’s because you are making an assumption that you know what your partner is thinking and you understand why they are behaving in a way that hurts you.

Very often people that are down, depressed, or fearful have no idea why they are reacting or behaving the way they are. So if they don’t know what’s going on with them then you have no chance of understanding them either, so making them wrong or judging them is totally unfair and will get you nowhere.

Just because you can’t see a broken limb or an open wound it does not mean they are not suffering and are as confused as you are with them. So when they are placed under pressure either real or created by themselves, they will react or complain seemingly unreasonably.

Just like the person with a broken limb would complain.

It is very likely that if two people are reacting negatively to each other and have been for sometime then the chance is they are both to a greater or lesser degree in the same distorted place both stuck on red alert looking for problems.

  • If this is where you are, one of you has to get sane first and help your partner get back to the true version of them.

Punishment never works so understand that your partner is complaining, because they are in pain. Rather than punishing them and making things worse, help them with the love you say you have for them.