Relationships are destroyed because of this one action…

If your relationship is struggling it’s usually because there is a needs issue. The couple feel that their own needs are not being met and so they feel that something is wrong.

For example a man could be complaining that the intimacy has declined. A woman could complain that she has to do everything?

Everyone has their own versions of their needs not being met so when it happens it can cause real problems.

What you can notice is the emphasis is on what THEY are NOT getting. If this goes on for long enough they can stop trusting each other to be the source of happiness. [Read more...]

Keeping The Courage

We all have moments when we say enough is enough. We feel that something is very wrong, our relationship is not how it should be, our life seems wrong we feel stuck in lives that don’t make us happy.

We go in search of answers, we speak to friends and family and all this does is create more confusion, more frustration.

We may read books or go on websites like this one. Then at the point of action where we meet those who can really help us we stop.

The courage we had that started our search has gone, and we go to a place of fear in search of all the problems that taking that final step would make us face.

  • We fear it won’t work
  • We fear we might have to face our demons
  • We fear the financial cost of going and not going

The fears we discover then paralyse us and so we lose the courage to take action. So we convince ourselves in the moment we are looking after ourselves by taking no action, but deep down we know that our fears are creating a prison of safety where we have the illusion of freedom.

Keep the courage

If you know that you need help, keep the courage. Whatever you think you will experience will not be true and will be made up from a limited knowledge of how professionals can help you. The courage that helps you to take that step opens a world about you that will free you from the many prisons you have designed to protect you.

Even when you are in the process of self-discovery, keep the courage because you will have to face you, the real you, but temporary pain against a life of freedom is a worthy trade by any standard, and for those who have been through this process their result to them is priceless.

  • You came here for a reason?!

This Is For You…

When you consider the life you really want to have, the relationships, your career, your friends, houses, cars, holidays, money what springs to mind?

As humans we always have to grow in every area of our lives, because if we are not growing we are dying. So if you consider that to be happy, every part of your life has to grow, or it will become stale and die, you really have no choice, but to decide to take action or to not.

So what has to happen for each area of your life to be ok for you?

This is the point when people become scared to dream because they are afraid to want something just in case they don’t get it. So they limit, or down play their true potential.

  • The reason this happen is because they ask the wrong questions

The real question is what sort of person do I have to become for my dream life to be a possibility? When someone considers what they have to change about themselves to get the life they desire i.e. become more confident, more knowledgeable, more valuable, more courageous, this focuses them to a different place of growth for them, rather than a big impossible mountain to climb.

Successful people in this world start off practicing being the type of people who have money, who have amazing relationships, who have powerful careers long before they ever got to their goal. If they had practised being poor, or lacking in confidence they never would have had any success.

So when you consider the life you would really like, what sort of person do you have to be become today?

To understand how to create this new you, you must understand how behaviours are generated and how if you decide on a life direction you will end up being fulfilled and happy.

There is one clear way of achieving this and that is by understanding how you work and the real power you have to influence yourself and the world around you, if only you could free yourself from your fears of not being enough.

If you want freedom to be the person you really want to be, in the life you really want to live, then understanding you is your first step.

  • I run one-on-one courses to help individuals discover who they have to be. If you are interested please let me know. Click here

Is today the day..?

…you will hold YOU to a higher standard?

  • If you are going to have values, become those values you say you live by. Anything that is valuable has a cost attached. A cost to get it and a cost to not getting it. Only one will give you happiness.
  • If you want an easier relationship, work out how you can be a better partner. If you would like less arguments learn how to communicate better.
  • If your relationship is not working go in search of what you can do to make a difference. Searching for what your partner has done wrong is the easy route to more pain.
  • If you want to judge your partner find out how you are qualified to do that job, because your not.
  • If you are going to punish your partner, ask yourself if he or she did that to you, would you feel more or less love? Now ask yourself if you want them to feel less love towards you.
  • If your future looks dull or boring don’t blame your partner, it’s you that has not designed your future your partner is not your entertainment committee.
  • If your life today is not the way if should be, don’t let blame be your route to a comfortable loss of control over you. Take charge of you today.
  • Don’t let fear be your guiding light, let what you value show you the way.
  • People who live in their heads only ever get pain, it’s the people who live in their hearts who discover true peace and happiness.
  • The greatest gift you can give yourself and your partner is the commitment to help them to grow into the person they have always wanted to be in the life they have always wanted to live.

It’s only those who are lost and in pain, that choose to blame, that look to take, and make others wrong.

The people who succeed are the one who choose to give, add value and ask what can I do to make things better and then commit to those changes persistently throughout their lives.

  • They are the ones who are happy becuase they live an honest life true to what they value!
    The question is… are you being true to you?

Your happiness or lack of it will be reflecting that truth - that is a message listen to it!

To all my valued subscribers

****News update****

I am delighted to announce that have been approached by a firm of Matrimonial Solicitors called IBB Solicitors in west London. They have requested that I offer help to clients that appoach them, who are not sure if divorce is right for them or not.

I have always believed that this is morally the right move for solicitors, however my requests to other law firms have been met by a reluctance due to their potential loss of business.

Very often couples in crisis get a totally distorted vision of their own relationship and each other and so they think that divorce is their only option.

With my guidance I will be helping couples see their relationships differently to free them from fear and then help them build on growth rather than destruction.

****News update****

There will also be a small interruption in your service due to scheduled maintenance to this website. Normal service will be resumed by Monday 13th September.

I want to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to all my readers.

To your success

Stephen Hedger

What Are You Going To Do Now?

The summer holidays are now coming to a close here in the UK and as you reflect on the past few months and how much has happened for you, what would you do differently if you had the chance.

It’s never too late to start to make changes to your life.

When you look around you now, and you look at everything that is in your life, is this the life that you wanted?

  • If not, why not? What’s missing? How should your life be?

You could be over weight, not have enough money, dating the wrong people, or always fighting with your partner. Whatever you are  doing, or have been practising is what has created where you are today and everything in it, and this is down to the decisions and choices you have made.

If you feel that the world is responsible for what you have not got, or you are just not lucky, or not  intelligent enough, or maybe you have not got the money you need to do what you want, then you are in what we call, learnt helplessness.

Unless you take charge of your life and take 100% responsibility for it, and that includes your relationship(s), then you will always stay where you are, feeling that either you will never be enough or feeling that the world is somehow against you.

If you know that something is not right, then know this, you have the power to change it… TODAY!

Is today the day when you say enough is enough?

Your Relationship With You

If you have been reading my daily relationship posts for a while now, you will notice that even though helping you create passionate lasting relationships is my goal, my focus is on a much bigger goal for you.

  • That bigger and more critical goal for you is to help you to have an amazing relationship with yourself, so no matter what happens in your life you will always be OK.

The reason this is top of the list is because most people have no idea how they work, worse is they think they know themselves yet they spend years emotionally hurting themselves, and then blame either others, the world, or the fact they are just unlucky when things go wrong. This is called learnt helplessness.

For example: Those people through no fault of their own go through their lives using trial and error as their preferred strategy for creating the most important part of anyone’s life, and that is choosing who to spend the rest of their lives with, and trial and error again on how to manage that relationship so it gives them all they need to be happy.



From that weak position of understanding of themselves and their partner, who is also likely to be lost, they even agree to legally marry and to share all their worldly possessions. They agree that if it goes wrong they will be forced to give a large portion of their possessions and future earnings to their partner who it seems wasn’t quite right for them after all.

They do all this on the back of trial and error and how they feel at that time, this is a painful and expensive approach to leave to chance.

I will translate this from the perspective of a relationship coach.

Two people who don’t understand how to listen to their own critical needs, values, and rules for their happiness is setting themselves up for a life of pain. They are also unaware of how this combined with their fears is crafted their decisions every day. These people feel they are in control of their lives, but most are in a place of learnt helplessness and they don’t know, until one day it all goes horribly wrong.

  • These people also make life changing decisions about each other under the influence of a force far bigger than all of us… NATURE!

Nature has given two people who are attracted to each other a bucket full of feel good chemicals in response to each other so they will have sex and grow the human population.

The couple mistake these feelings for ever lasting true love and feel amazing about each other, until they don’t.

By this time they could be married and have kids.

Nature never factored in a house

Nature never planned for you to live in a box together, all nature planned is for you to want to create more little versions of you and so we are not designed for longevity. After the initial attraction and excitement of weddings, houses and children we become lost and directionless as a couple.

At this point we start to feel that the relationship has lost it’s excitement, we don’t feel the same about each other as the sexual excitement has gone and so we move to a place of fear where we wonder if we will be enough for our partner or if the relationship was a mistake.

Some will live together in a passionless relationship, some will look outside the relationship to feel good again, some will become depressed and some will get out fast and some will get out slow.

Very few sustain amazing relationships because even amazing relationships will eventually lack variety to keep life exciting.

Those that do give up will then repeat all this again with their next partner, this is why most relationships after a marriage break-up fail.

This will happen a few times until they hit about 40 ish when they have had enough and they can see that trial and error does not work and so the smart people look for where they can get real answers and so they seek help.

They at this point fear the next 40 years more than the thought of seeking help, which is the reverse thought pattern of those between 20-30.

It doesn’t have to be this way

Now imagine this… Imagine you knew how you really worked, and you knew how to present that honest version of you to either your dates, if you are looking for someone or to your husband or wife.

Now imagine being able to communicate that honest version of you so your partner understands exactly what you need to be happy.

If you have found the right person for you they will want you to be happy and so they will do everything in their power to make that a reality for you.

If you find yourself with someone who is not committed to doing this for you then there are two reasons. They are lazy or scared and this would have to change if a successful relationship is your goal.

So you see, if you don’t understand you, or where you want to be then you are out of control, and this is really bad for you, bad for your relationship, and crippling for your children who are looking up at a lost person for guidance.

This is why my focus is to help you discover the truth about you, it’s critical to your happiness.

Stephen Hedger helps couples and individuals understand who they really are, what they need to be happy and how to communicate it. These sessions form part of helping people attract life partners through dating, or to help couples in crisis, or those who just want better relationships.

Do You Want An Amazing Life & Relationship?

If you imagine your life in the next 5 years or 10 years, what will it look like?

I know that you know
, that if you do nothing different, then the chances are it will be the same as it is today, the only difference is you will be older with more of what you have been practising to have today.

  • Maybe you have been practicing how to not trust your partner, or even yourself.
  • Maybe you have been practising being your partners judge
  • Maybe you have been practising worrying that you will never be enough for your partner.
  • Maybe you have practised being depressed, or stressed
  • Maybe you have practised overeating, or smoking, or drinking
  • Maybe you have practised being unhappy for no reason

Whatever you have been practising the chances are, you will be really good at it, the question is, is this what you really want? Or is now the time for a change?

Relationship Joy or Hell

Imagine your relationship the same as it is today in 5 or 10 years time, what does that feel like? Can your see it now? What does it make you think?

  • If you have an amazing relationship today how will you keep that intensity going? Just through our need for variety how can you keep this level of attraction going?
  • If you have relationship full of problems and you do nothing what do you think the next five years will be like, let alone ten?

Many people are very happy to live in fear of their future, but very few are happy to plan it, craft it or take control. This is because they are under the illusion that they have no control over their future, so of course they will never do anything except wait for problems to hit them and hope that it will be ok…

You are now 80 years old…

Let’s take this from a different perspective, imagine you are 80 years old and you are looking back on your life, what life do you want to look back on.

What will you regret if you don’t take action on today?

My Greatest Pleasure

One of the greatest pleasures I have in coaching people through their problems is knowing that what I do is having a massive impact on their lives.

One lady who came to me a few weeks ago was having real problems with her life and relationship, but before we could focus on her relationship I had to start by helping her to build up her confidence in herself, by understanding how she works in detail.

We did this so she could know the journey she took to get to where she was a few weeks back. With this new understanding of how she works she is now empowered to take back control of her life direction which has now freed her to be happy to get the life she really wants.

She was shocked to discover that she had been holding on to a part of her past that had held her back for 35 years without her even knowing.

This is what she said

For obvious reasons she wanted to remain anonymous.

I first came to see Stephen feeling extremely low and lost, Stephen in a couple of weeks has shown me that by changing my minds state I can free myself of the fear i have been carrying around with me for nearly 35 years, I am now starting for the first time in my life to see things differently, I thought I was a hard nut to crack and there was no hope for me, Stephan has been Kind, Sincere and Honest and I would not hesitate to recommend him anyone.
Anon South London


Anyone can make a big change just like this lady. Problems are never permanent, and with the right focus a new world can be opened up and a new energy can be directed into the life you really want.

  • The only thing standing between a life and relationship you really want, is you

Chemicals that help us fall out of love

Has it ever occurred to you that relationship problems could be caused by chemicals that affect your brain.

For example if you…

  • Smoke

  • Drink

  • Do drugs

  • If you work with chemicals

These all have huge affects on our relationships because there is no way we are able to be ourselves.

If your brain is operating at reduced levels how to you think this will affect your behaviours and how will these less than normal behaviours affect your relationship.

Anything that affects the brain will affect your ability to be you. So dehydration, either through not drinking or substances like caffeine will have a huge impact.

If you have stopped learning your brain will slow down, attractive people have lively active minds and they exercise at least 3 times per week.

As humans we are designed to grow and to do this we must look after ourselves. Just like we must look after our relationships and we can’t do that if our brains are unwell because of how we treat them.