#693: Couples in crisis naturally question compatibility

It’s natural to question if you married the right person when you have been suffering in your relationship. Some people suffer due to instant breaches of trust such as affairs. Some people suffer for years through stacking resentments towards their partner.

If you have ever questioned your compatibility and are concerned about the future, what you are about to read could be worth considering.

Incompatibility can come in many forms, so I will outline a few that cause couples a challenge.

  • Different life goals: – Mission/life purpose – Geography – Parenting styles
  • Sexually misaligned: - Attraction – Depth – Frequency – Adventure – Freedom – Acceptance
  • Life philosophies: – Values – Beliefs – Needs
  • Relationship models: – Expectations – Roles – Responsibilities – Growth Patterns
  • Experience v Projection: Past – Future

So I’m sure if you are having any kind of relationship challenge you may have questioned some of these areas.

The problem with compatibility is this…

When a relationships enters a zone of uncertainty that’s not pleasurable. The mind then takes that person into needing to protect itself from their partner.

When two people end up protecting themselves from each other this emotional state is an incompatible state in it’s self. This is where most couples in crisis land.

IMPORTANT: Even if the most compatible couple in the world created this dynamic, they could question their compatibility because the relationship would feel wrong.

To assess true incompatibility the couple needs to come out of this protective identity and assess the relationship from a new authentic emotionally strong position.

For many this seems too hard to contemplate or do, so courage is needed to learn the truth.

Their problem is if they don’t learn what is really creating their fears they could run their destructive pattern in future relationships.

So before anyone throws in the town my advice is to work out where the fears are really coming from before you give up and head for the divorce courts.

It’s very common to fall victim to:

  • Fears from past, or childhood causing your problems today
  • Total misunderstanding resulting in loss of care, trust, or love.
  • Misunderstanding of each others needs
  • Lack of clarity of each others true intent
  • Different models of what creates a great relationship
  • Lack of clarity of your role in the relationship.

To name a few…

I see so many couples who feel they are incompatible, only to learn their past created a pattern that was designed to protect them as a child. Without them knowing they run that child’s pattern in their adult world with devastating consequences.

I see many couples that have totally misunderstood each other.

Nearly all couples I see don’t have an effective model for success. They don’t really understand each other and don’t know what to do when things go wrong.

The list of basic skills many couples are lacking to create a dynamic that’s compatible is huge. Worse most are not even aware they need to have them in order to be successful with each other.

Please Note: Patterns of behaviour can be created to protect us BUT actually lead us to an illusion of safety that’s not so safe. This is because our survival mechanisms are not here to give us happiness they are designed to move us away from what we think is creating our pain.

That’s why getting clarity is so important with life changing decisions.

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.