Dating advice that leads couples to pleasure not pain

Knowing how to date in a way that protects you is critical. I have seen so many married couples in trauma it’s easy to see why when you explore how they dated.

What was the foundation of their relationship and how has it affected their dynamics?

If you want to get the best out of your dating then learn from those who have got it wrong. Discover what they did wrong and do the opposite. Today I will cover one aspect of dating that is key if the goal is to find a long-term partner.

If you speak to couples in trauma what you would discover is what initially attracted them to their partners is no longer attractive and is one of the main causes of their break up.

For example some men brag about how their wives used to chase them and wouldn’t give up until she got him. The complaint that couple now has is for her he is not masculine enough and for him he felt controlled and weak in the relationship.

The start was wrong for this couple because they dated behaviourally in the opposite gender, nothing wrong with this if ultimately she would be happy being the man or masculine energy in the relationship. She wasn’t happy with this and he wasn’t happy to be the woman/feminine.

Effectively this couple connected on their fears. She feared not being in control and he feared not being able to please her. If she told him what to do he couldn’t fail and the constant chasing meant she must have really loved him.

The message for those who are dating today is learn from those who have got it wrong.

A fearful person (with a closed heart) dating will be focused on themselves and what they are going to get from the relationship protecting their heart from pain.

An open hearted person will be focused on their new partners needs and their focus will be on what can I give.

Be aware a fearful person could be very giving, but the reason they give is so they’ll get back. This is the trap many couples fall into, my new partner is so wonderful they are so giving. If your partner is giving to you because of what they will get, then we know that if they don’t get back what they expect they will eventually stop.

Now image if two people are focused on themselves and what they want and are giving so they get back. The relationship is going to be in trouble very soon.

Remember if you are fearful because you have been hurt in the past, make sure you have dealt with those fears because, those fears affect your behaviour.

Your behaviours will attract those that like the fearful version of you. You become the perfect fit based on your joint fears.

Is this what you want?

Or do you want to attract those that love the real you, minus the fears.

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.


  1. Brilliant advice!! What you are saying makes perfect sense. If you start a relationship in a fearful, insecure mentality, that will be the foundation. And once you have dealt with those issues the basis of the relationship are no longer there. Its always best to work on yourself before getting into a relationship. Thanks!

  2. Very true!! Our fears do affect our behavior. Facing our fears and changing our behavior will make for a healthier and happier relationship.

  3. Stephen Hedger says:

    Thank you for your comment, yes this is fundamental.

    Connecting on fears was a real eye opener for couple in trouble. They could see what they had done and why it was so destructive.