Some women are asking their men to be more sensitive, to share their thoughts, emotions, worries and to become more vulnerable. They want this because they see this as the solution to their relationship problems.

The reason this desire for men to connect emotionally from women is because the women feel that their men are detached from their inner emotions. They know that their partners don’t understand them, because they struggle to be understood.

Women try so hard to be understood, but become frustrated when they know they are not. Not being understood from a female perspective can feel fearful and lonely. In this place her security that the relationship is going to be the way she wants, it is challenged.

Men at this point feel nagged, criticised, put down as she tries to get through to him…

As she starts to feel that she can’t get through, her fears escalate, so knowing he is not her security, she starts to create her own certainty. Everyone does this differently, some tidy homes, some align label on jars, some take exercise. She will do whatever, she needs to do to block the pain she feels.

• Have you noticed what’s now happening? She is asking him to connect to his feelings at the point when she is trying to block hers.

If she connects to her own feelings it will unleash real fears and vulnerability. Feeling vulnerable with a man she can’t trust to understand her is far too scary, which is why she is blocked.

She feels that if he was to soften and get in touch with his feminine self, she would feel safer to trust him.

He now has a real problem because he wants to please her, but to do that he has to become even weaker than he already feels.

He can tell from her reaction to him he is clearly doing a bad job with her. SHE IS NOT HAPPY WITH HIM! He knows this, but feels powerless to understand why, or what to do to help her.

Even if he does all she wants, it never seems enough! So in the end he gives up! She feels him give up, and now she is really scared. So she has to try control him, or she will focus on controlling her own life even more!

Through her fears, her desire for him to connect to his feelings so she can connect to him is the only solution she can see that will fix their relationship.

BUT what she is asking is for him to become more female, if this happens they may have a better connection, but they are in danger of losing polarity if he complies. In other words their sex life will die!

This will cause problems because if this happens, his sex drive with her will die, she will feel his lack of desire for her and a whole new FEAR will be born!

So asking a man to become female is not the answer!

The answer is to help him to meet his needs and her needs at the same time. This means him understanding her needs and using his masculine self to look after her and keep her safe!

After all she doesn’t feel safe and at the point she feels this way what she wants is his strength his presence and his love to keep her safe!

When I help a man to understand key points in the relationship and he uses his masculine strength and energy to help her break through her fears she will then feel connected and safe again with herself and him!

In this place of safety with him she would never want him to be female and connect to his feminine side because she feels safer being looked after by his caring loving masculine strength.

• If this has struck a chord and you would like help please get in touch.

If you want to feel love, then you have to give it! As soon as someone in a couple pulls love away the problems start.

You see, love only happens when we give it. Most people are under the illusion that people give us love. What actually happens is we translate their words or actions into a feeling. If we agree their action equals love to us, we then feel safe to give them a loving action back.

• It is at the point we give love back is the point when our love is felt.

Your partner does not have magical powers to make you have a feeling, we create all our own feelings based on our reactions to others. We all know this is true because in past relationships we know we started to feel that something was wrong. So if our partners at that time tried to give us love, unless we agree it feels like love we wouldn’t give it back. The result was we didn’t feel love no matter how much they say they loved us.

So PLEASE don’t pull love away to punish your partner especially if you want to keep your relationship. It kills the relationship and puts you in a values conflict with you that bit-by-bit feels awful.

My advice don’t live in reaction, don’t wait to get love, if you want to feel love, GIVE IT!

Test it for yourself, go out to today and give a small act of love or kindness to everyone you meet and watch how you feel.

Better still, give love today to everyone, come back and tell us what happens in comments below.

This story I am about to share is an amazing example of where we learn our life lessons and how we automatically react to others when they give us pain. What do our instincts tell us to do and what actually works.

My son had a significant life challenge, he had suddenly become the target of school bullies at 12 years old. Physically smaller than many of the other boys he felt vulnerable and powerless to do anything. This was terrifying time for him!

I knew for him he was about to learn an important lesson…

The school has a policy that all bullying has to be reported. So following these rules he reported them. The school instantly punished the bullies and called my wife and I to explain their plan.

The challenge now is that as the bullies were punished my son became more of a target.

The reason was instead of helping those children that were bulling the school punished them. In effect the school without knowing became the bully, teaching the bullies that bullying worked.

The result as I expected was the punishment the school dished out just made his life worse. The bullies now had even more of a reason to attack my son.

So as my son sat in his room on a Sunday evening crying at the thought of another day at school I sat him down and explained what was happening.

Now I knew he was driven by significance at a needs level. I decided to help him using this core need.

So I explained that for him to stop the bullying he had to take control, initially he liked the idea. Then I told him that my plan was to use his need for significance to help those around him feel good about themselves in the context of him.

I told him that I would give him some money and he would treat everyone in his class to some sweets. This included the bullies.

With tears in his eyes and anger in his voice he instantly rejected my plan. “NO WAY!” he screamed at me! He wanted revenge, he wanted them to feel pain, he wanted to see them in trouble. “They are not going to get away with this!” he barked at me.

Whilst I understood his reaction I also knew it would make his life worse. I made sure he understood the choices available to him combined with the possible outcomes. I then left him with these thoughts. I trusted his mind to find the right answer for him.

After an hour he came to see me, head down he agreed reluctantly to put my plan into action.

The first day he did nothing, on the second day he went to the shop before school and purchased enough sweets for the whole class.

He picked his moment and announced to his class that he had bought sweets and they were all welcome to take one. One by one he smiled and handed out sweets to everyone including the bullies.

Some of the bullies thanked him and sheepishly apologised for what they had done to him days before. The leader of this group reluctantly came over said nothing and took his sweet grunted and walked off.

What happened next was amazing. My son had clearly listened to my words about using his significance to help others feel great about themselves when they are with him.

Without my knowledge he had gone onto YouTube and learnt a few magic tricks. He performed these tricks to his class he then proceeded to teach the class how to do it.

For the rest of that day his class mates and the bullies were going around the school showing off their new magic skills.

His class mates and the bullies all started to feel great about themselves and my son was the source of their pleasure.

The bullying stopped that day!

That day he learnt a life lesson that many fail to get. That failure to recieve the right information as a child can affect their whole life as they grow into adults.

My sons initial reaction of wanting to punish and cause pain to those causing him pain is what I see couples doing in their relationships everyday.

Where did they learn this? At a very young age at home and at school. Even the schools teach that punishment is what you do when someone does you a wrong.

So think about this, do you ever feel more love when your partner punishes you?

The chances are your answer is no, so if it doesn’t work why do it? You will destroy the one thing you want to keep. Pulling love away is a punishment!

So as you can see there is another way, if you contribute in a way that helps those around you feel good about themselves when they are with you, your experience of how life works can change in an instant just like it did for my son.

• The solution is easy: Give to others, give love and contribute to their happiness!

Actual coaching session:-

She loved him deeply and he said he loved her, but deep down she was not convinced he did really love her. These feelings were powerful in her and so her relationship with him was driven by this fear in her that she might never be loved by him, he was unaware she felt this way.

This had affected their sex life for years and whilst she knew by blocking their intimacy she was hurting him and the relationship she felt paralyzed too scared to let him near her. The longer it went on the worst it got.

Initially he was upset by this loss of sexual connection, but over time he grew to accept this is the way they were. His love for her was so great he was prepared to give up that part of his life so they could stay together. She was unaware of this intention within him.

What was interesting was now he had resigned himself to a passionless relationship to please her, she was now even more convinced that his lack of desire for her was proof he didn’t care, even though if he did attempt intimacy she would reject him.

He started to believe she was impossible to please and so the arguments escalated out of control until they both couldn’t see how they could have a future together.

With young children this was painful, so whichever way they turned they were met by pain.

With divorce looming they came to see me.

With any couple building trust has to be the first step in creating the foundations for growth. Over a couple of weeks they started to experience a change as they focused on how to build trust through meeting each others core needs.

Very quickly they could see there was now hope for the future.

They were so excited the arguments stopped and they could see a happier family start to emerge.

BUT… there was still a problem…

…whilst they were getting on great she still had fears of him coming near her sexually. He was so used to sex not being present he was fearful of being rejected so they feared the trust would fade if they stayed in this place.

So they came back to learn more…

This time the goal was to discover how to reignite their passion for each other sexually.

I knew that the block in her that stopped her wanting sex with him was through her fear of not believing he loved her, although as yet she had not told him.

Any woman who believed her man doesn’t love her would struggle to connect with herself in the way she needed to. This made her feel unsafe and that combination is highly likely to block her desire to a sexually connection with him.

So I had to help her firstly, build confidence in herself so she could feel safe to give love to him. As she started to understand what she had been doing historically i.e. she was meeting her neededs in low level ways so she could stay safe, she discovered that by withholding love this way she was actually in more danger.

This realisation in her created a desire in her to make changes…

To help clients I name parts of the room “PAST” “NOW” “FUTURE” and get them to stand in those places so they can experience what their lives might be like if their behaviours were different. This is a powerful process and shifts people perceptions very quickly.

She stood at one end of the room that I had called the past. Her “PAST”! We started to explore what life would be like is she continued to withhold love and itimacy and what it would do to her and her family.

She started to cried as she connected to all the pain these behaviours would create. I needed her to feel the pain her destructive behaviours would create so she felt motivated to change to the life she really wanted.

I asked her to imagine what her future would be like if she lived true to who she is, a loving caring wife and mother full of passion for all she wants.

As she visualised what her future could look like she smiled and nodded that this is what she wanted.

I asked her to walk toward this future (different part of the room) and step into her shoes in the future and imagine what it might feel like…

As she stepped into the future she instantly smiled quickly follow by terror! She looked to me for help tears rolling down her face, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this she cried!”…

I took her back to the past (the back of the room) where she felt safe again, visibly she relaxed.

I asked her what had happened… shaking her head she said she didn’t know!

She had now composed herself and so I asked her to step into her future again, she said “I can’t” tears rolling again.

I said, “what will happen if you stay stuck living here in your past?” She looked panicked she could now see she was not safe here either. I reinforced the pain in staying stuck in her past destruction…

Wanting to move away from that pain she tried to walk forward to the future, but she recoiled crying and in frustration she shouted through her tears…

“…in the future he doesn’t love me!”

This was the first time he had heard those words, he looked shocked and confused…

At this point I sent him into her fast!

I instructed him to saturate her with a combination of short masculine commitments of love, and he was to keep going until he broke through.

Crying she pulled away from him, You don’t love me, You don’t love me she kept repeating I asked him to follow her… “You love her, what does a real man do to help his wife in pain” I shouted…

Every time he committed his love to her, she contradicted him and pulled away.

What was happening was she knew she only had one place left where she could feel safe that was that future version of her, but she couldn’t feel safe unless she knew he really loved her.

Eventually, through his persistence of loving her no matter what she threw at him, he broke though her pain!

At that moment they threw their arms around each other both sobbing not wanting to letting go of each other.

Eyes full of tears they both looked at me and smiled.

This is a very powerfully emotional moment for all three of us, all of us with tears in our eyes.

In that moment he became the man for her again and she connected with who she was designed to be, a loving passionate woman, safe to be vulnerable with him again.

Very quickly their intimacy returned.

Every situation is different, but if the polarity is wrong in a relationship the relationship will suffer.

You see the man has to be a man and the woman has to be safe to be a woman connected to the feminine in her for intimacy to stay in a relationship for life.

This is a very different connection from the connection we have when we first meet when the passion is high automatically. This connection is far deeper and will deepen their bond as long as they keep their masculine and feminine energy in the way that works for them.

• If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to comment below or get in touch privately.

Not understanding this post can destroy perfectly good relationships and break up families, so it is important to understand. Also if you are dating, or looking for love this is critical, because this process, unchecked can help you attract people who like the fearful version of you and that’s a recipe for disaster.

• So please read this a few times and share it with those you care for, you could just save their lives from pain too…

No matter how tough a person is, on some level being loved is important to all of us. Creating meaningful connections with others is a part of our make-up as humans. It’s a part of our Critical Needs list.

When working with couples, finding out their views and perspectives on Love in a relationship is an important part of helping them understand why and how any relationship can stop working when the Love stops.

Love is something people want, they want it so much they fear not getting it. So the process of giving it and not getting it back is a painful one for many. Those that really fear not getting it, even block the possibility of it, so stop looking for relationships.

Pain is something we don’t want, so most decide to not give love unless they feel safe to do so.

This means the person is on a rollercoaster of giving and withholding love in constant reaction to what their partner does, ironically their partner will be doing the same.

So at this point we know the individuals need love, but usually they won’t give it unless they get love first. People usual withhold because they don’t feel certain they will be loved back, or they don’t feel important to their partner on some level.

For them these are logical perspectives, some will withhold love to punish. In fact anyone’s not giving love because of what they are NOT getting is punishing their partner on some level.

What’s interesting is when questioned, no one has felt more love when their partner punishes them! Yet they carry on regardless.

My next question is how important is love to the couple. Individually they both usually agree that love is really important to them.

I then ask “ …is love important some of the time, or all of the time?” Most answer, all the time (the ones that answer some of the time are usually in significant fear and will be helped because values can’t work “some of the time” because they cause the person pain.)

So if love is important, and it’s important all the time and we know that the person will turn off their love if they don’t feel safe to give it. We now know what the person says and what the person does will be different, this creates an internal conflict that ignites fears.

This inability to trust ourselves further magnifies our fears, because if trust doesn’t feel present in the relationship combined with a lack of love the relationship dies, no matter where that lack of trust, or love is coming from.

You see if you withhold your love to keep you safe the relationship dies. So you are not safe if you stop givng love!

The laws of fears come in to action if you focus on a fear, the fear becomes ignited. So if you fear not being loved then the process of withholding your love changes your behaviours.

If you change how you behave, you present a different version of you to the relationship in other words you change into a fearful you. This fearful version of you is likely to cause problems and destroy the very thing you want to keep.

Of course when I say destroy the relationship this takes many forms, some break-up, some stay together, but in a passionless existence.

If the couple are doing the same i.e. withholding love, when they are not getting it, the relationship dies, bit-by-bit over time.

So you see you are far safer giving love than not…

What’s also interesting to learn here is that the way we feel Love is through the process of giving. When our partner creates words and behaviours and we translate those behaviours in to acts of love, we in return give them love.

It is at the point we give them love is when our love is felt. So the love is actually created by us, our partners don’t have magical powers to give us feelings, we create all our own feelings. So if the love is created by us and we want to feel love, GIVE LOVE today and every day. GIVE LOVE to those you love and watch how you feel as you do.

At this point many comment, how can I give love when my partner is being so horrible.

Firstly never change you and go to fear in reaction to others this harms you. If love is important to you, stay true to you and give love no matter what. It is far better that you remain loving even if you partner is not.

Then make sure you understand why they have reacting this way. It could be due to their fears that the relationship is dying, they could be trying to save the relationship too.

Take off the assumption that they are trying to hurt you, their pain could be a cry for help where if love was present they would feel safe again.

In summary withholding love doesn’t create love, it creates fear. Fear destroys relationships, futures and families.

If you would like to know more please get in touch, or maybe you have a comment to make if so please do below.

Remember please share this post with all those you care about.

One more point that is important, I have talked about internal conflict this is critical to avoid because long term exposure can cause, stress, depression, anxiety and many other physical problems.