• You will numb yourself from feeling pain.
• You will block any positive advances from your partner.
• You will block and shut down your ability to feel towards your partner.

The wall serves the purpose of creating the CERTAINTY the person needs, BUT it will disconnect the person from their partner.

This disconnection helps the person to feel that their relationship is dead, this is not always true. The feelings can be dormant rather than dead.

So couples can end their relationship though a lack of understanding.

One of the questions you can ask is this: Is my partner trying to hurt me?

You will probably discover that even though your partner does hurt you that is not their intent. What hurts can be their sheer frustration at not being able to get through.

Knowing your partner is NOT trying to hurt you is one of the green lights to exploring the potential in the relationship.

The easy route is to put blame on external factors, my partner is not right for me, I don’t have enough money, I’m too fat, too thin, too old.

The challenge with this approach is it changes nothing, it keeps the person stuck and increasingly resentful that life is not what it should be.

This can lead the person to settle that this is just how life is, this makes them vulnerable and so they have to rebalance their world which could lead them to become hard and bitter over time.

If life feels wrong, take responsibility for the way it is today (this will put you back in the drivers seat) and become focused on how you really want it to be. This simple shift of focus puts the person back in charge.

If you do this you will notice there is a gap between where you are and where you want to be.

Your mission now is to become curious about what changes you are able to make within you that helps you on the path to your desires.

Look at this example

The woman who says she doesn’t love her husband yet never leaves him, she needs to become curious as to why? What’s really happening for her?

Not loving him serves a purpose for her, but gives her a life devoid of love, and full of loneliness and negativity.

She spends years coping and running from her pain, yet activating her own pain with through her actions.

She does this without knowing. All she feels is pain and fear for her future, but the pain of leaving feels equally bad.

She is frustrated and copes by drinking her troubles away.

There is a reason why she is so stuck, the reason sits within her.

She feels bad and she attaches her pain to what she thinks is the problem.

She is trying so solve the problem of how can I stop the pain. The problem she needs to focus on is why am I so afraid to love him. You see she fears loving him, but she can’t bear losing him either.

She has created a prison which she can escape if she changes her thinking and asks of herself a different question.

We would probably find out the love she had as a child was not consistent enough for her to trust those around her and so love is not a pleasure for her, it is an anxiety.
For her it’s obvious, when she is with her husband she feels uncomfortable and needs to leave. She assumes this means they are wrong together, but is then confused why she can’t leave so finds a reason to justify it.

Becoming curious about why we do what we do creates confidence and security that we do actually have the power to change our lives.

It is not luck that some people are very successful in their lives. They just ask different questions which create consistently different actions that naturally lead them to success.

The answer won’t surprise you.

Source

He doesn’t care, she’s always negative, he never listens, she is aggressive and cold…

The question is, does this emotional wall work to create the security the person is after?

In the short-term the person can feel relief because when they shut down they can numb the pain they are experiencing.

The challenge the wall creates is it builds a 2 way block, the person will block out the pain, but they will also block out what they really need to be happy. This creates real problems for any marriage because it heads them to loss of respect and the end of the marriage.

For example:

[I have used a female in this example, but males will do their version of this too.]

If a female has tried and tried to get through to her husband and failed, she will stack her resentments towards him and eventually feel that she has no choice, but to create her own strength because he is not there for her in the way she needs.

It’s like she puts on a suit of armor so he can no longer hurt her.

So two things are happening.

Firstly she feels she can’t be honest with him about how she feels, because she can’t get through to him. This will result in her no longer sharing her true feelings. If she does share her feelings they are likely to be picking or aggressive attacks.

This means she will have lost trust. She will also stop giving to him, at this point her desire to give him what he needs is low because the trust is challenged.

This combination of a lack of desire to be honest because there is no point and little desire to give, helps her detach from him.

The detachments works to block the pain, BUT it creates a possibility for the relationship to die as she will start to lose her feelings for him, this blocks her passion for him and the relationship.

She might say “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”.

Instead of discovering the truth in the relationship the process of detachment actually causes destruction.

Her focus in the relationship changes, from giving values such as love and passion to her new focus on lack of trust and a need for security.

This natural shift blocks her from discovering the truth in her marriage because the more she pulls her love away from her partner, the chances are he will be doing the same strengthening her belief the marriage is wrong.

The marriage is not necessarily wrong he is just protecting himself too.

The marriage will definitely feel wrong if both people do this. This is a massive challenge because most people are far to seduced by what they feel and in this place of trusting what they feel they will block the desire to search for the truth in their marriage.

If both people pull their love away they will lose the growth and the connection they need to survive.

In essence they are no longer themselves in the marriage. Many individuals complain they hate who they have become in their marriage.

The hope here for any couple is that this state does not have to be permanent. The couple can reconnect once they start to understand each other differently.

The trust can be rebuilt and the couple can learn how to become themselves in the marriage again.

The process of detachment and building the wall is a natural process and is designed to protect us however it will also help the marriage to die and so learning what’s really happening in your marriage is critical before you kill the one thing you have tried to keep.

Creating that purpose helps to build a strong lasting intimate connection.

Most couples vision starts with attracting each other, moving in, getting engaged, getting married and having children. The couple excited about life can race through these goals within a few years.

BUT then the relationships goals stop and life takes over. The couple with no real plan or direction are now adrift coping with whatever life throws at them. Coping is never a great emotional state for creating the growth, the fuel any couple needs to survive and avoid feeling stale together

Most couples who seek help usually share this one challenge. They have never thought about the reason they are together and designed their future.

Does it make sense to you to plan to be successful rather than crossing your fingers that whatever you had when you first met is enough to keep you together forever?

If it does then here are some questions you can ask of yourself and your partner.

The goal is simple, to become passionate about your lives again. To get excited about your life together.

Q1: Find out what is important to you and your partner, and how you can experience more of those feelings.

Q2: Learn about the kind of relationship you really want. What does it look like? What does it feel like? What would you like to experience together?

Q3: If you were to imagine your relationship is just the way you want it to be, who would you have to become for that to be possible?

Q4: How would you describe your ideal journey through your life together? Could you describe the physical and emotional experience you would like to have.

Q5: What would you like to achieve together? When would you both commit to making those achievements happen?

Q6 What is important to your partner? What is their life purpose and how can you support them in their quest?

Q7: What is your life purpose and how can your partner support you?

The key to todays post is really about understanding the power of purpose. Without a purpose growth is challenged.

Growth is critical for life and our personal relationships.

So what’s your plan?