Getting out of a marital crisis?

I now see roughly 20 couples per week, everyone in crisis and nearing divorce. Every one of these couples has broken their marriage in very unique ways. Some are wanting to fix the marriage, some are lost not knowing what they want but don’t want to make a life-changing mistake.

Every couple needed a unique solution to help them discover what they are capable of.

This weeks catch up with a few couples who came for help: 

Couple one: In her first session she said she was at the end of the road after years of disconnection and he was in a terrible state. Divorce was on the cards, and they were both giving up. 

This week they were in a much better place because he now understood how to attach the correct meanings to his wifes’ words and behaviours and she understood how she had been part of their problem.

In essence, they both wrongly thought how they were thinking was correct and this made them dismiss each other’s feelings and opinions, so they both felt alone, underappreciated and disconnected.

Couple two: This couple were disconnected but really didn’t know why. No one had been unfaithful no major rows as such just loss of connected energy.

In their first session, I drew a model of their dynamic so they both had a visual representation of why their relationship had died. This enabled them both to understand their roles and what they both have to do to become part of the solution.

As the weeks passed both people embraced their new roles and this week they are now in the planning stage to make sure their relationship has a purpose and is exciting to both people.

The result their energy dramatically changed and passion is back underpinned by seeing their differences as unique strengths.

Couple three: Emotional affair nearly broke this couples 20-year marriage. Not understanding each others needs had put this couple into a dangerous position where divorce was on the cards.

For years they were under the illusion they had a great marriage totally unaware that a small shift in their circumstances would magnify a problem they didn’t know they had and this would break a critical connection.

This loss of connection helped him to lose faith in his wife and took him to connect with another woman.

His wife never knew his suffering because he didn’t share his pain with her.

This week the couple were in a much better place. She had lost connection with herself (wondering how she could ever trust him again) he couldn’t understand why she abandoned him.

Now they both know what happened they can use this platform to rediscover their connection and marriage.

Now there is hope for the future.

Couple four: Battling couple had had enough of each other. She treated him like a child, and he had lost respect for her. He didn’t trust her overly emotional responses to his actions, and she couldn’t believe he was treating her this way.

Through a total lack of understanding of each other’s differences and needs, they were moving towards contempt for each other.

So I arranged a mindset shift for both people (individual meetings) run over a few weeks on their own with me so they could both understand their own behaviours (their reactive patterns) and learn their partner behaviours.

This week they experienced a dramatic change.

Through creating a shift of both their mindsets they were able to reconnect resulting in both people in tears (the happy ones).

Both people had lost themselves in the marriage, and so their connection had died. They left the session with renewed energy and massive relief they won’t have to divorce now.

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All these couples created fundamental and significant changes within weeks.

For so many couples their suffering comes from their lack of understanding of themselves and each other and what it really takes to create a life long passionate connection.

They struggle with seeing the situation they are in different so they keep practising the same destructive behaviours without knowing.

They even practice their destructive behaviours as they try to fix their problems resulting in their connection dying even faster.

To almost every couple I see for an initial consultation I ask them to stop trying to fix their problems because they are making things worse.

Getting a couple out of crisis takes careful planning and a strategy that reflects the individual’s needs.

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.