“I lost myself in my marriage”

If you want to build a successful marriage you’ll need the courage to be who you really are with your husband or wife. NOT being your true self is a fundamental issue and one of the root problems that lead many couples to wrongly divorce. 

The reason not being connected to your true self is such an issue is because your happiness is conditional on you becoming what you say is important. So if a naturally loving and fun person stops being loving and fun this will make them unhappy and eventually feel exhausted.

What you’re about to read will be tough for some people to hear, they won’t want to hear this message and sadly they’ll end up learning the hard way.

BUT I know that those that are ready to learn and I hope that’s you will be ready to see their truth and stop years of suffering through answers that will free them, just like so many couples that work with me each year.

At the end of this post, you will read about a couple who left my Marriage Breakthrough Program who embraced what you are about to read below…

Is today going to be your day to say enough is enough? 

For any marriage to work, you both need the courage to be open, vulnerable and connected to what you believe in and say is important. I see so many people, they tell me they have values such as love, kindness, wisdom, integrity.

Yet when their life is explored we find that they don’t practice, or become what they say is important from within their marriage. Many expect these values from others, but not from themselves.

trans.gifThis means what’s critically important is not just your connection with your partner, but the courage to stay connected with yourself even when your relationship seems confusing, impossible or unfair.

In my world of rebuilding relationships from seemingly impossible situations ‘confusing’, ‘impossible’ and ‘unfair’ is really translated into – that’s just not the way I work.

Many people lose that courage to be who they really are by finding an easy route, they focus on what’s wrong (because it’s easy) and they practice this focus until they feel justified to NOT be who they are. This practice becomes so painful for them they use that pain to leave their relationship or have an affair.

The skill and courage of great relationships come from the ability to see past the surface behaviours and look for the root cause of their relationships problems – the couples that really succeed are the ones that are curious to learn.

Without fail couples that come to me for help are failing to see their real problem. They live in their heads going round in circles confused and emotionally drained.

The resentment that has stacked over time has disabled them from being who they really are in their marriage. Some through feeling they have done all they can to get through to their partner have the ability to come across as selfish and uncaring simply because they have given up.

Some give-up and simply accept a substandard marriage and chose to get their fulfilment elsewhere in life, some give-up and see the only way out is to physically escape from their seemingly dead marriage.

I have helped many people, understand what is right for them and specifically why.

  • For some, it’s right for them to leave their marriage and I help those people free themselves and their partner.
  • For some leaving their marriage will cause them terrible future problems, because their marriage is not their real problem, and if they leave they will simply move on to see their old problems manifest in their new relationship over and over.

Yet more couples left my program last week with their own personal breakthrough plus the knowledge of how to keep their relationships safe and passionately alive.

Look at one of these cases below…

One lady came to their Marriage Breakthrough Program feeling she had lost love for her husband and couldn’t see a way forward. He had become weakened and had totally lost himself.

His work life was miserable, his relationship with his children gone and his wife was saying she felt there was no hope. This situation had left him feeling lost and worthless, his world was about to collapse.

This couple had the courage to discover the root cause of their situation. This marriage was going to end without an intervention and they knew it.

They finished the last session of their program in a very different emotional state than when the first met me. They left reconnected and back in love. He decided to give up the career he hated and was started his own business.

He had reclaimed his masculinity (he had become unhappy and childlike at home) and he now brought to the marriage the new ability/strength/confidence to help his wife feel safe to reconnect with her true self.

She learned that her loss of love was something she had created to keep her safe, but it was killing the marriage. I helped them both take responsibility for themselves and the marriage and gave them the critical tools they were missing.

She had felt he didn’t care and he had felt she was impossible to please.

Both of them were suffering until they learned the skills that gave them the courage to reclaim their true selves.

Once reconnected to their true selves, they learnt how to become truly valuable to each other and how to become a connected team.

Every week a new person/couple leaves their program with a new understanding of how they can become valuable not just to themselves, but to what’s important in their life.

The most important relationship you must reclaim is the one with yourself – connected happy people are the ones that create the most fulfilled relationships this is why when working with couples I know the first mission is to help both people first.

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.