“I love you – but I’m not in love with you?”

For the person on the receiving end of this statement it’s both upsetting and confusing. So what does this mean and can the relationship recover or be rebuilt from this position.

The first question is what does this really mean?

How I describe this sentence “I love you, but I’m not in love with you?”. The person saying this is accurately describing their feelings.

For example when they look back at their time together there was probably many moments that were filled with love.  When they met, their wedding, the birth of their children, some might connect with love because their partner was part of making our beautiful children.

This kind of historic love is different from active love. Active love has more desire, passion and romantic attachments.

Active is love, is a love I feel for you now, or a better term is “I’m IN love with you”.

IMPORTANT: Active love in a long-term relationship is a direct result of a strong emotional connection and a passion that naturally creates a security (compassion and kindness) that helps me to be free to be me when I’m with you.

This sentence above is critical to understand if you want a relationship to last. If you don’t know what you are doing it can feel so complex/impossible to attain and then master.

When people start new relationships the passion and desire and romantic energy is intoxicating, however it’s always going to be short lived if the couple are not aware of what is really creating it and then how to maintain it.

The key for couples who want their relationship to last is how to maintain a passion and a joy that solidifies and deepens, security that frees both people to be loved and accepted.

If you think and understand how our emotions are really created you will start to see how to win and breakthrough your relationship challenges.

Let’s go slightly deeper to understand what could be going on…

Your mind is the creator of all of your experiences good and bad.

So your mind is the creator of the love you feel. One key part of that love is the love you feel for someone when you are really free to be yourself with them.

When couples hit problems one of the core challenges we can see very clearly is both people don’t like what they have become in their marriage.

Someone that is filled with resentments and emotional pain is going to attach all those bad feelings to their partner. If this is their focus the people usually hold back emotionally through fear of being hurt.

So to feel good again they will use either their work, friends or family to reconnect to themselves.

So in translation: I don’t love how I feel about me, when I’m with you. So I feel I have to move away from you to feel good.

So a key element of helping someone back into a failing marriage is to help them feel safe to reconnect to themselves when they are with you.

This is a key objective, but not the only one.

Emotional disconnect / loss of love can take many forms and have many reasons.

  • Some people have had challenging pasts and this means a part of them lives on red alert ready to protect themselves.
  • Some people don’t feel safe to communicate their problems so they simply fall out of love and no one knows until they request a divorce.
  • Some couples are misunderstanding each other so much one person ends up shutting down because it feels impossible.
  • Some people are so disconnected to their own truth they are not aware they are destroying what they actually want to keep.

Whatever you are experiencing my advice is to find out the truth to your situation before you take live changing decisions.

I’m helping so many couples safely navigate this complex path of a loss of love. It takes a real understanding to help couples reconnect at this point.

Within the person feeling this loss of love, every part of them will simply want to get out – so it’s important to help this person understand fully whats really going on so they can make an intelligent decision for the rest of their lives.

I don’t agree people should stay to together for their children, but I also don’t agree just because your brain gives you a message ‘I don’t love him or her’,  you should blindly buy it, before you really understand it.

It’s important to add that loss of love is not necessarily a permanent state – loss of love for many people is a state of self protection practised over time. I have seen many couples that have lost love reconnect once they have understood what is really going on. Many couples even divorce and then fall back in love years later. The mind is very powerful so it’s key to use it wisely.

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About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.