I want to trust but I can’t

If someone has a problem with trust it can cause big problems in their relationships. Trust is a fundamental part of growth. Without trust the relationship dies.

When I work with individuals who are challenged in this area what we usually discover is they don’t know how to trust themselves. Some are aware of this within themselves and some don’t know.

A person who doesn’t know how to trust themselves feels they will be safer if they create some kind of blanket coping mechanism that fits all situations.

The most common is to not trust anyone and spend a lot of time and effort looking for proof that others can’t be trusted. Others adopt coping behaviours including overly pleasing to give the illusion that all is ok (even if it’s not) they have learnt that happy people don’t reject them, so they keep others happy so their own needs will be met, in essence they give to get!

I have had clients who smile through their pain, you would think they are really happy, but inside they are in real pain.

The problem is through not being able to trust themselves they ignite all their biggest fears. This chain reaction puts them into constant fear especially in relationships.

Though this fear their behaviours change and so their partner becomes uncomfortable as they challenge test and try control their partner because of their own fears.

Their partner will start to attach pain to being with this person and eventually they will leave or become depressed/stressed.

In essence the process started with trust being the problem and now their partner doesn’t trust them either due to their behaviours. So they have no choice but to detach from them in some way.

Is this happening to you or in your relationship?

If you find you or your partner or both are judging and not trusting a lot then please seek help.

Judging others is a key indicator of a challenge within the person making the judgment – No one is qualified to judge anyone else, if you think you are then you can’t trust yourself.

If this has struck a chord with you please get in touch today.

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.


  1. Ive dating a girl for about 6 months. When we start dating she kissed another guy but eventually owened up to it. Later I found out she also had boyfriend in England who she hadnt broke up with. Also there was a guy from America who was had followed to Seville where we live together. She has had s very tough life sexually abused by her uncle and beating by her father. Ive had her write mails to the guys she was involved with apologising for leading them on. Ive talked to two of the men. The both admit the might have over estimated the relationship. This happened mostly in April. We’ve being really good the last month ive being kinda counselling her and im generally very happy now. I really believe she wants to change but some days I feel really hurt. She has tried hard to make it up to me. She voluntarily shows me her mails and she os lot more open about her feelings. Can I trust her? Ive had issues with not trusting myself in the past being cheated on, I used to drink a lot. Help