If a relationship feels wrong is the relationship really the problem?

Many people are ending relationships thinking they know why only to discover months or years later that the reason they felt so bad was totally unrelated to their partner or the relationship. Some discover the discomfort gets worse when they leave for good and some discover the same problems are repeating themselves in their new relationships. 

So why does a person want to leave? If a person is in emotional pain they are focused on one mission, to escape their pain and to feel better. If they have attach their pain to the relationship then they get feelings that tell them to leave.

The question is are they right, is the relationship really the root cause of their pain?

Many people are trying to change how they feel through their environment, the chemicals they put in their body, the way they look, the stuff they buy or they try to change people in their lives. What they discover is none of it really works.

What they are missing is the most profound change only happens when they work on changing themselves.

One gentleman in his late 30s came to me because he kept having affairs and wanted to stop but didn’t know how to. As we went through his personal history he shared he was going bald at the age 23.

He had a transplant back then and now had amazing hair thick golden hair.

He said having no hair at such a young age helped him to feel really awful about himself, but what surprised him was when his hair was fully restored he actually felt no different he still felt wrong inside and was now confused.

You see he had associated his emotional pain with having no hair and he was wrong.

This is a very common challenge, when someone feels emotional pain they will find something to attach it to, so they can take steps to move away from it to make a change in how they feel.

The question is this.

If a person is in emotional pain, or their life is not how it should be, the only change that will really make a lasting difference is to move to make changes in themselves.

Many people feel bad in their relationships and so want to leave them. They have attached their pain to the relationship, or their partner.

If you do feel bad in your relationship, your feelings are not in question the pain is real. What’s in question is what created the feelings you are experiencing?

Remember like the client that was 1000% convinced hair on his head would be the answer to his problems, we can become seduced by the meanings we create that are far away from the actual truth.

These feelings can lead people to expensive mistakes. So before you take a leap to shut down your relationship please make sure you understand the real reason behind your feelings.

It is true that some couples are not meant to be together, but especially when children are involved when one person is about to change the direction of all their lives being sure they are making the right decision is so important.

All we want is the truth, not to fix the relationship for the sake of it, just the truth!

  • Alone or as a couple find out why you feel the way you do call us today….


About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.