“If you don’t understand me how can you be of value to me?”

A common thread with couples is their inability to really understand each other. Not feeling understood helps a person experience a growing emotional pain. If a person experiences enough pain they will attach that pain to their partner and the relationship. This stacking of pain and resentments is what’s really dangerous for marriages and can head them towards divorce. 

So one of my fundamental missions is to help couples translate what the other is really saying or doing, so we can stop or reverse an unnecessary crisis.

Both men and women are generally confused by each other and this can be a source of significant emotional pain.

What’s really key is if you want a successful relationship you must care about your partners experience and get on the same page as them.

If Cloe (my wife) is upset for any reason my mission is NOT to judge or analyse why she’s upset. As her husband my job is simply to care that she is upset and to be there for her.

This point is key: Far too many people sit in judgement of their partners actions without really understanding why they are behaving the way they are. With the right knowledge you can take a step back from situations and support them in a way that keeps the relationship safe.

How I see it is, human behaviour is not random, if you look hard enough it’s possible to get to the bottom of why a person is acting the way they are.

Like I said, men and women are confused by each other because they are simply not the same. They are designed differently and so in the same situation will have a very different perception and different way of dealing with life/situations.

Add other layers such as their personal upbringing, values, needs and beliefs and you end up with a very unique person unlike anyone else.

We are all unique, but our behaviours are traceable which is why couples who end up in trouble can be shown a way to gain a better connection.

What’s really important is both people in a relationship must understand how to become valuable to each other.

This means getting on the same page with what’s important and caring for each other. From my perspective in my marriage, if it’s important to Cloe then it’s important to me.

We are now talking about getting on the same page as your partner and then become valuable to each other.

So if you want a successful relationship then you must be on the same page with these critical areas of your relationship.

  • Communication: How to really connect physically and emotionally, you must have both.
  • Conflict: How to repair problems fast together.
  • Problem solving: How to be an effective team, not opponents.
  • Parenting: How to become effective leaders to bring out the best in your children.
  • External Families: How to manage them together.
  • Needs: What is really important to my partner and why.
  • Money: How to build security and have fun.
  • Creating a life of purpose: Plan an exciting future together.

If you get all these areas right it can build a foundation where love can live and passion can grow and this is what creates natural security.

If you don’t have this in your relationship you’re not alone. I have not yet met a couple who naturally has these skills.

I had to learn how to do all this and thankfully it is teachable for those that want to learn.

If you are passionate about your relationship and your family and are hungry to learn, then I will be delighted to show you the simple steps you need to know to make your relationship a success.

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About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.