Is Changing Him a Good Idea?

Some women are asking their men to be more sensitive, to share their thoughts, emotions, worries and to become more vulnerable. They want this because they see this as the solution to their relationship problems.

The reason this desire for men to connect emotionally from women is because the women feel that their men are detached from their inner emotions. They know that their partners don’t understand them, because they struggle to be understood.

Women try so hard to be understood, but become frustrated when they know they are not. Not being understood from a female perspective can feel fearful and lonely. In this place her security that the relationship is going to be the way she wants, it is challenged.

Men at this point feel nagged, criticised, put down as she tries to get through to him…

As she starts to feel that she can’t get through, her fears escalate, so knowing he is not her security, she starts to create her own certainty. Everyone does this differently, some tidy homes, some align label on jars, some take exercise. She will do whatever, she needs to do to block the pain she feels.

  • Have you noticed what’s now happening? She is asking him to connect to his feelings at the point when she is trying to block hers.

If she connects to her own feelings it will unleash real fears and vulnerability. Feeling vulnerable with a man she can’t trust to understand her is far too scary, which is why she is blocked.

She feels that if he was to soften and get in touch with his feminine self, she would feel safer to trust him.

He now has a real problem because he wants to please her, but to do that he has to become even weaker than he already feels.

He can tell from her reaction to him he is clearly doing a bad job with her. SHE IS NOT HAPPY WITH HIM! He knows this, but feels powerless to understand why, or what to do to help her.

Even if he does all she wants, it never seems enough! So in the end he gives up! She feels him give up, and now she is really scared. So she has to try control him, or she will focus on controlling her own life even more!

Through her fears, her desire for him to connect to his feelings so she can connect to him is the only solution she can see that will fix their relationship.

BUT what she is asking is for him to become more female, if this happens they may have a better connection, but they are in danger of losing polarity if he complies. In other words their sex life will die!

This will cause problems because if this happens, his sex drive with her will die, she will feel his lack of desire for her and a whole new FEAR will be born!

So asking a man to become female is not the answer!

The answer is to help him to meet his needs and her needs at the same time. This means him understanding her needs and using his masculine self to look after her and keep her safe!

After all she doesn’t feel safe and at the point she feels this way what she wants is his strength his presence and his love to keep her safe!

When I help a man to understand key points in the relationship and he uses his masculine strength and energy to help her break through her fears she will then feel connected and safe again with herself and him!

In this place of safety with him she would never want him to be female and connect to his feminine side because she feels safer being looked after by his caring loving masculine strength.

  • If this has struck a chord and you would like help please get in touch.
About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.


  1. women are required to be in touch with their masculine side in many respects. Live largely in a ‘masculine world’ and are unconsciously conditioned this this, as are men when evaluating their success. They raise children, run the home financially have become more and more independent and detached from their feelings to get on and do, to find their voice and re balance power playing in a masculine world and with great success. Men have asked this of women to the extreme, history shows us this. Learning to get in touch with the feminine is what addresses the in’ balance of polarity’ in relationship and ultimately the world around us. No it is not for women to change man to their way, however men do need to learn to become in touch with their feelings more and express that by talking about them, learn compassion and honor the feminine feeling and power in that: in order for relationships and therefore the ‘in balance’ in the world around us to change. Being vulnerable is a strength, we all have a shadow side. Perhaps if we recognised this and with compassion for ourselves sex would be even deeper, authentic and connected enhancing the true feminine and masculine. Isn’t the solution to address what is needed now in our world, relationships…the give more power to the feminine by honoring it in order to integrate and re address the balance?

  2. Hi There,

    Interesting article.
    If a man has to express his feeling its hard for him. He’d like to show it to you in a other way. Give him time to open up to you.