As soon as the relationship becomes all about “ME” the relationship is over. As soon as the person is pointing the finger at their partner blaming them for all the problems because of what they are not getting, it’s all over. You may still be together in a house, but you are migrating towards problems.

  • FACT- If a relationship is not growing it’s dying.

You see a relationship is about ‘giving’ not ‘taking’ when a couple consistently gives to each other in the way they need the relationship will grow. If they constantly take naturally the relationship will become empty and so dies.

What causes people to take in relationships?

Typical reasons are poor models growing up, lack of knowledge, being selfish or protecting themselves through fear.

Unless the focus that created the relationship is present consistently the bond will weaken and die.

As usual this is not straight forward to understand, some people are very giving, but the reason they give is because of what they are going to get in return. Or they might be giving, but they miss what their partner really needs. Now two people are in fear.

If for example one person is giving love because they want love in return, what this means is they are giving love to get love. So the focus is on them and what they want, the giving therefore is a trade based on their needs and this will never work.

The only behavioural model that works in relationships is the one where you understand your partners needs and you give to them selflessly. BUT you must give with no expectation of anything in return.

As soon as you have any expectation any giving you do becomes a trade. Trading kills passion, loss of passion kills relationships.

The goal in relationships is to help your partner feel amazing about themselves when they are with you. If you make them the problem through blame, will they feel good? Of course not.

People do not respond well to being punished, but they will to care, love and a desire to understand.

So does your behaviour help your partner to feel good or bad? Is the answer you gave what you want?

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.