Relationship habits and patterns

In todays post I will be covering an area of relationships that if understood would totally change the direction for any couple heading for trouble and redirect them towards a far happier life together. Couples that want to learn what your about to read can avert a likely divorce and redirect their marriage to be much happier than before.

So as you can see this is an absolute must for those wanting to keep their relationship alive.

The biggest problems any couple will face is where to put their energy so it connects with what’s important to themselves and their partner.

Each person in a relationship will have many patterns of behaviour unique to them and these individual patterns will create habitual patterns in their relationship.

Now some of these patterns are good patterns, but when a relationship starts to struggle it’s critical to understand the patterns that are destroying the relationship. Ideally the couple would understand the bad patterns in themselves before they ever enter crisis, but because this is not understood many do not take the action that’s really needed.

When we are trying to change a persons destructive patterns it’s so important to understand why that pattern exists and to replace it with a more effective pattern so the person feels good about themselves.

So the key is to understand the pattern that is causing a problem, interrupt that pattern and replace with a new one that still meets the persons needs, but does so in a way which leads to fulfilment.

Many couples try to force their partner to change through mechanisms such as threats, punishment and holding back their love.

Unless the pattern in the individual is fully understood and is replaced with a better pattern any change they make in their will usually be short lived.

This is why so many couples hit crisis, promise they will try to change and that change never really lasts.

So when a person is let down by their partner they will react with an automatic pattern of behaviour to cope. That pattern will then effect their partner and their partner will react with their own unique coping pattern of behaviour.

Trigging each others coping pattern couples then find that they can go round in circles as they try to meet their individual needs. These coping patterns not only make them feel bad because they don’t lead themselves to fulfilment, but they also lead their partner into the own coping patterns.

Now we have double trouble for the couple.

For example: A man can shout at his wife and shut her up, but he has not created the long-term peace he really needs because he will create resentment in her to never sharing her feelings again which will grow to her potentially disconnecting from him emotionally.

So now two people in coping patterns are feeling bad and are attaching those awful feelings to each other.

Every time they experience their individual pattern(s) and the circular pattern in the relationship takes hold the relationship dies in the moment.

Stack many of these moments and over time the couple will erode the relationship leading the individual in to a place where they feel they have to protect themselves emotionally from their partner.

Some people are so unaware of how powerful these patterns are and if not understood will take relationships to divorce.

So many couples come into my sessions totally unaware of these patterns and how they have been effecting their time together. If they are aware of them they usually feel helpless to change them. They can conclude change isn’t possible, or they could over simplify the relationship and say we were never right for each other.

This is what leads couples to want to meet their needs outside of the relationship so they can run patterns that feel good again. Feel consistently bad with your partner and good away from the relationship, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure what happens next.

The principal is simple, change the critical patterns and you’ll change the future direction of the relationship to be the way it should be for both of you.

In my view many couples connect at their true essence and they lose that connection with each other through fear, misunderstanding and a profound need to protect themselves from each other.

Whilst I maintain that some couples shouldn’t be together, I believe that a larger percentage of couples simply lack the knowledge and skills needed to be married for life in a way which connects them in a fulfilling way.

Just because a couples doesn’t know how to break their destructive patterns it doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

Usually when a person can see what they have always done is leading them to making themselves feel bad they are very likely to want to make a change, get two people to see this and a new world is created for that couple.

If this has struck a chord you know where we are.

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.