She told him she was unhappy with him…

I first spoke to this lady over the phone in 2014 she told me her husband thought she was being ridiculous we don’t have a problem you are just being overdramatic. She was unhappy as she was suffering and her husband didn’t seem to care.

I told her to come in to see me sadly she didn’t want to come without her husband and he refused to attend – a mistake he would live to regret.

For years this lady had suffered from her husband who was so engrossed in his work she felt lost and alone.

To be clear he wasn’t abusive, he didn’t have an affair on the surface they had a perfect life and he was an amazing provider.

For him being successful at work was his mission. He had built his company from nothing to give them the most amazing life.

Initially, she was enterally grateful for this amazing gift, but as the years went on she realised that the money and all the stuff really meant nothing to her.

She had all the stuff she could ever want, but what she wanted most was an emotional connection with her husband.

To him, he had given her everything. The twins were in private schools they had a beautiful home, in his mind, he was the creator of everything they had.

To him, her unhappiness meant she was ungrateful, over-emotional and selfish.

In his mind, he was working for her happiness.

In her mind, she was genuinely suffering and she was becoming concerned that she was feeling emotionally unsafe as her cries for help were being ignored by him.

She was in pain and he didn’t seem to care!

She did get through to him at one point and he started to help out more around the home, but the practical help she requested didn’t connect them emotionally so he gave up as there was no change in her happiness.

As each year passed her cries for help had fallen on deaf ears and she started to shut down emotionally.

She had stopped seeing or wanting to see her husband as her protector the desire to connect with him emotionally was dying in her.

She was entering a very dangerous place in the relationship as she was becoming her own protector.

Without knowing his rejection of her unhappiness was making him redundant as her husband.

This meant despite all the riches around her she had now lost her feelings for her husband she was numb. Her behaviour had now significantly changed.

For a year she was no longer emotional at home with him, no longer upset, no longer requesting his attention.

To him life was calm again this meant she was happy and so he carried on as normal totally unaware she was getting ready to divorce him.

She had warned him she was in trouble, but because he felt there was NOT a problem, there wasn’t a problem.

This kind of situation is very common and sadly very destructive.

It’s so important to hear a partner who says they are struggling and become a team and support them regardless of what you feel.

In this story, we had a man who thought what he was doing what was right and he ignored her cries for help. This is a terrible mistake as he discovered years later.

These kind of situations are very solvable with the right information and the faster the couple act the quicker they can both protect their marriage.

The challenge couples are not seeing is she had no idea he really didn’t know what to do to help her. Plus she didn’t know how to communicate to him what she really needed because she really didn’t know.

All she knew was she was losing her feelings for him. She needed him, but she didn’t know how to help him love her the way she needed.

So they were both lost and with both people frustrated and protected themselves from each other the love will die. That combined with no desire to seek the help she divorced him.

As a regular reader of this blog, she did eventually come into see me to share this story about her regret of not seeing me, but also with a new brief to make sure she doesn’t make the same mistake again.

The message today is you must never ignore your partners cries for help. What they need might not be obvious or seem ridiculous, but may be very solvable with the right help.

20 couples every week are now getting that help.

 

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.