“Stop trying to fix your problems – you’re making them worse!’

This is a typical instruction I will give to couples who are on the edge of divorce and don’t know what to do or think.

Men and women are so disconnected to the impact of their behaviours with each other they are significantly reducing their chances of success without knowing.

Specifically what you will discover in today’s post is some behaviours and expectations so many people are using that are likely to accelerate their problems.

So the key is to become aware of what won’t work and start to become curious about what will.

The big picture of what I see first hand is people are creating behaviours that kill their attraction and break their connection.

This results in one or maybe both people is stacking resentments and attaching those feelings to their partner and their relationship.

A critical part of any relationship is communication.

When couples communicate, they both think they’re being crystal clear about their challenges with each other, totally unaware their partners’ translation of their words is going to be very different from what they really meant.

So many people are flabbergasted with what their partner does with their words.

Words are powerful, so if two people are taking something very different away from any connection, trouble is not going to be far away.

Please note: This problem is magnified when the couple are in conflict, so they go round in circles.

So please don’t assume your partner is understanding you. NOTE: The chances of understanding are significantly less when problems strike.

The key is to learn how your partner translates what you say and why they do it that way. I have not yet met a couple that naturally understands this and is why so many couples suffer.

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Some people assume their relationship problems will magically disappear, so they find ways to avoid the issues because they have no way to make the problems better.

They have proof that is effective because for the upset party it’s hard work to stay permanently angry or upset, so in time the emotions will calm down. The problem with this approach is the emotions aren’t better through connection and understanding it’s better because one person has protected themselves from their partner and this is a hidden path to an emotional disconnect.

Please know if there is an unresolved problem, it will grow quietly and disable trust and attraction.

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Some think if they keep doing or saying the same thing over and over, their partner will wake up and eventually see it their way.

Some people do roll over and submit and do things their partners’ way, hoping that will please them – this can make life easier initially but can lead to loss of respect and loss of attraction.

Many take emotional control of the relationship using anger or upset because, in the short term, it works unaware of the long term damage that’s waiting for them.

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Many people use personal problems to distract their partner away from their true fears and insecurities. For example, a depressed person can receive good attention to start with, but long-term living with a depressed partner will stress the relationship.

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I meet some people who are totally unaware of how their partner is different to them, so assume their partner behaves badly. Men and women think and behave very differently because they are different.

My clients are supported in stopping their incorrect judgements of each other and replace them with understanding which leads to more support and compassion.

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Some people in crisis I meet have been telling their partner how they should feel and think hoping this will somehow convince them it’s true.

“You know you love me!”

“You know we are good together!”

This will only result in them instantly thinking the reverse and can help them leave the marriage faster.

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Why do some men in troubled marriages become more domesticated when his wife suggests the marriage is over for her.

The reason is because, in many cases, the women have never taught the man in a way he can understand how to support her and understand her.

He has no idea what she really needs, so he guesses and rarely gets it right. In so many cases, I see people really don’t know what they need so they don’t communicate effectively to their partner.

Their needs aren’t met; they feel bad and then blame their partner for not caring and assume the relationship is broken or wrong.

The core of what I”m sharing in today’s post is unless you can understand your partners’ world and how it’s fundamentally different to yours, it makes your success very difficult.

Understanding the difference between men and women is one of the core focuses in my rebuilding marriages programs.

One celebrity couple in my program shared with me that a simple shift of knowledge helped them deal with their conflicts and misunderstanding so quickly.

In early 2019 she told me in the first meeting she was about to move out she couldn’t stand the disconnect.

A year later, they came to see me to catch-up, now expecting their first child with a clear vision of their future and why they are together.

Small shifts of thinking can dramatically change a couples mindset and the direction of their relationship.

I cannot stress enough successful long-term relationships are not natural, they are created out of the knowledge that will align the couple so they share a vision, they have each others backs, and they have a deep understanding of their natural differences and individual roles.

In essence, people don’t need to be changed; they need to be helped to understand themselves and each other better.

 

 

 

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.