Help Advice Support & Guidance
Trust is one of those key foundations for life, without it we know that something feels very wrong.
So how do you create trust, how is it possible to trust others? How is it possible to trust others when you have proof at times they can’t be trusted?
One lady came to me last year for help because her partner had an affair, she wanted to keep the relationship, but felt naturally vulnerable and so she presented him with a legal document she wanted him to sign. [Read more...]
“Why did she do it? I just don’t understand why and not knowing, it’s destroying us.” These are the words from a man broken by his wifes actions. Quietly she agrees they can’t go on this way…
It’s very easy to make instant judgments when you first hear these kinds of stories. Everyone will have different instant opinions, but as this story unfolds opinions can change. You see nothing is as black and white as it first seems.
This couple have it all, great business wonderful home beautiful children. So with so much going for them why did their relationship get to the point where an affair was possible for her? [Read more...]
Couples struggle to fix their problems because they try to fix the problems they are experiencing. They will go round in circles becoming confused, or resigned that their problems will never go away.
I can tell you now… If I focused the couple on these problems as part my solution they would never fix their problems ever!
Unless you know what the real problem is, the problem will remain.
One couple came to me delighted to tell me they never argued, but were confused why their sex life had ground to a halt. Their focus became their dead sex life they blamed each other, but did it by ignoring each other and so they focused on friends, children and work.
The reason their sex life was dead was because there was no energy, polarity, sexual tension or playfulness in the relationship and most of all she didn’t feel safe. We discovered they didn’t argue because both their parents didn’t so they copied without knowing. The arguments would have created energy and passion, but it was missing. So their way of punishing each other took even more energy out of the relationship and so they died as a couple.
So she just nagged him (she had to control something her relationship was dying) and he tried to please her apologising for everything. She slowly became the man in the relationship and he became one of the children. Now he is really unattractive and he feels he has lost his masculinity he just can’t please her, so he spends more time at work to feel good, she now resents him even more.
They ended up barely friends, so their sex life was the victim of many complex challenges they were totally unaware of, if they tried to have sex it would have been a disaster so they just gave up.
Both of them had great intentions, not arguing, pleasing, but these actions destroyed their relationship every day.
They were totally unaware and so they focused on their pain i.e. their dead sex life which of course just brought them more pain.
So you see if your try to fix your presenting problems it may just be as much use as putting a sticky plaster on a broken leg.
What has to happen for us to get LOVE? Most of us want love. Many never really get in a way which is honest and true. Couples can spend a life time together, but never get to really experience it. In today’s post I will explain why…
There is one key factor that stops them achieving true love, it’s them!
I once asked a gentleman in a session why did he feel his wife was wrong for him, and why did the lady he was having an affair with feel right?
His answer he gave told me all I needed to know…
He shared with me a list of what the affair with had given him. In that moment I knew he was focused on what he was getting from her. “Getting” is the key word!
His marriage had stopped working for him because his wife had stopped giving to him through her fears and disappointment at his attitude to her and so he was no longer “getting” love. [Read more...]
From time to time we can all have doubts that knock our confidence and this is normal. Sometimes our confidence can become so knocked that rebuilding our strength in our ability to create a wonderful future can feel almost impossible. Impossible to the point we feel stuck, paralysed in a life that can just feel wrong.
I want to share a true story of how someone can create an unwinnable life that keeps them paralyzed. So stuck they came to me for help…
This may not reflect what is specifically happening to you. What is important is you know if you are feeling challenged by life there are answers for you.
This lady was totally unaware of what was happening for her, but what she did know was her behaviours were destroying her life. [Read more...]
The following questions and answers point towards something important see if you can guess what it is…
Did you spot the common thread with each person?
Each person was focused on themselves and what they are getting. When things go wrong their focus is likely to be focused on what they are not getting.
You see ironically the more you give to your relationship the more you’ll get back. Of course you have to give what your partner really wants. No point giving what you think they want you could prove you don’t understand them.
In my experience if you give consistently through understanding you’ll get back 10 times what you put in.
So the model is simple, never give to get, give because you are a giving person!
The irony is the giving person always ends up with far more than the selfish one.
Why do women in relationships have affairs? What is it that drives them into the arms of another?
Of course whatever I write here will be a generalisation to some degree as every situation is different, but I have a very unique perspective because I see so many couples with relationship problems.
Most people find it very easy to judge the person who has had the affair as a terrible person, whilst I don’t honour their decision as it is so destructive, I do understand how and why it happens.
If a couple have experienced this type of betrayal in their relationship, not understanding why is the first hurdle. Sometimes even the perpetrator doesn’t know why they did it and this makes the relationship worse. [Read more...]
If your relationship is going wrong, why are you putting up with this? How long does this have to go on before you take action? Six more months? A year? How about 5 years, how will your life look if you don’t do something by then. We only get one life and don’t you want to get more from yours. You know unless changes are created nothing will change don’t you?
These are the typical types of problems that many couples experience that bring their relationship to the brink of collapse and beyond.
If the couple decide to focus on what I call their “presenting problems”, the chances are they will go round in circles destroying the relationship bit by bit.
So when couples arrive at a session with me, my first job is to understand how their presenting problems are affecting the individuals. Then I need to understand how their individual meanings have impacted their relationship negatively.
Once I understand how the couple are experiencing the relationship then I take the focus off the presenting problems and move the focus to the real issues that have sat hidden in the relationship and are the main cause of their problems.
You see if you try to fix the presenting problems all you will do is mask the reasons the issue is in the relationship so it will happen again. For example if we didn’t fix the reason he had an affair the chances of him having an affair again are high. Or if the reason she became depressed wasn’t understood then she would stay depressed or become worse.
The chances of the couple understanding how to fix their source problems is very unlikely. In my sessions I help the couples understand the tools they can use at home to understand why they are experiencing their specific problems and what they can both do to fix their relationship without the need for months or years of therapy.
Most couples’ problems can be sorted really quickly.
The focus of the sessions is on Growth in all situations including conflict.
If you can both learn how to meet yours, and each-others needs consistently no matter what situation you will both feel confident, successful secure and less fearful of a future together.
This really is what it is all about.
So are you going to allow this to fester or are you going to take action? Click here
One of my clients runs a blog and she has asked this question: Why do men cheat?
Yes of course she is very aware that women cheat too, but I thought I would shed some light from my perspective as I see this every week in my sessions.
However the ability to judge those that do is impossible, because there are so many reasons why people do it. The assumption is the person having the affair is a dreadful person, it’s not alway as cut and dried as you would think.
My biggest message to all couples is this: [Read more...]
Many people unhappy in their relationship get to the point where they start to seriously wonder, “…should I break up with my partner?” Husband, Wife, Girlfriend, Boyfriend whoever you are there comes a point in your relationship where this question comes up.
There is a whole variety of reactions to this question.
The chances of this really working is slim, because the reason the couple were having problems has not been addressed. The reason is because the couple will be totally unaware of what is driving them at a subconscious level. This means behaviours and feelings are being created without conscious thought. [Read more...]
This is one of the most frequent questions I get asked, this is where the concern in the mind of the individual is usually a concern of time or money.
Both of which are valuable to us all…
The usual amount of sessions to get desired results is between 4 – 12 sessions. I been know to sort a problem in one session, but because the clients is not confident with the speed of their change they carry on coming. All my sessions are 2 hours so we usually get a lot covered. I see a lot of clients quickly because I know people have busy lives and months of weekly sessions is not ideal, especially when your relationship is on the line.
If I do see clients for longer this is because their crisis problems are sorted and what they want is help with planning their future.
99% of my clients make the necessary changes within 4-12 sessions that time, there are some clients which go slightly over… [Read more...]
When either a man or a woman in a relationship embarks on an affair the reasons are because they believe or feel that their needs are not being met in the relationship.
There is never a good reason for an affair, because if the relationship has problems then the couple needs to address their problems. The answers to their problems are never outside the relationship and the pain affair causes is never worth the perceived pleasure it brings.
The problem is, the emotions that drive affairs are never rational and so affairs will keep happening.
Most assume these needs are sex, but very often it runs far deeper than that, other critical factors to those individuals are driving them to act.
To start with those that have affairs may not feel good about themselves, or something, and have attached those feelings to their current relationship. So whatever they are missing they will start to search elsewhere to have those feelings met.
They might not feel significant to their partner and an affair will make that person feel important at that moment. They may not feel secure in their current relationship and so an affair helps them to forget their problems and gives them artificial pockets of security.
They may not feel loved or they could be missing excitement as their own relationship becomes boring.
Or maybe it is as simple as their relationship is lacking the type of passion they want, they either can’t get want they want from their partner or are afraid to ask for it.
If years of feeling this way is added to a relationship that has stopped growing then that relationship will struggle to compete with the excitement of an affair.
It’s true that men are more likely to stray than women because
This is why in affairs women are most likely to break off an affair because they cannot see an emotional future where the man will be happy with just sex.
When a woman is a victim of an affair one of her big questions will be, “do you love her?” this is because from a woman’s perspective she is designed to see love and sex as, one of the same, or at least directly connected together.
The man will say about his affair “it meant nothing†when he says this he is telling the truth, because for him love and sex are separate.
In contrast if a woman has an affair and says “…it meant nothing†then because she is designed to see that connection as more than sex then she will not be telling the whole truth.
What’s important is, if you are thinking of having an affair or you are the victim, know that it’s the missing needs in your relationship is what’s driving the affair to happen.
Look after your relationships and do all you can to understand how they work and more than that what you have to do to ensure your relationship stays safe.
I recently received a comment on a post I wrote about building trust. This lady writes about her worries about her partners affair. She now struggles to trust her partner and things are getting worse. I am not aware of the total story, however what this lady is going through is very common and so I wanted to share my thoughts based on her words.
She wrote…
I have been with my fiancé for 14 years now. 4 years ago he had an emotional affair. We decided to try and rebuild our relationship as we both accepted that we had made little effort in the preceding months. However since then I have found it almost impossible to trust him again.
He continues to keep secrets from me and these secrets always involve a text “friendship” with a younger woman. I have frequently told him how this makes me feel (as this is how the affair started) but he is adamant that he has done nothing wrong; my view is that if there was nothing to these texts he wouldn’t feel the need to delete all evidence from his phone.
He regularly promises to stop texting these women but it rarely lasts and I have started obsessively checking his phone and phone bills again. I know my behaviour doesn’t help but I was completely taken by surprise when he cheated on me and I can’t help but think that the only way to avoid that sucker punch again is to be vigilant.
Lately our relationship has started to deteriorate significantly, our sex-life is non-existent because the lack of trust and ever increasing frustration and anger I feel at these continuous lies gets in the way. Recently things have come to a head, neither of us is happy although we love each other very much. I just feel worn out and want to stop feeling the way
I do – even if that means ending the relationship. I simply cannot contemplate feeling this way for the rest of my life. The thought of being without him makes me feel ill, I really don’t think I could love anyone else as much but I’m at the end of my tether and just don’t feel strong enough to really fight for our relationship.
Help.
Of course I only have one side of the story and so my response maybe a little slanted.
My first impression is the amount of fear that is driving you both. The fears you are both experiencing are so powerful, that they will not allow you both to be who you really are. You have both fallen in love with the real versions of each other, but your fears are creating behaviours that are destroying the relationship.
I know the affair is a painful and terrible experience, but it is a symptom of a deeper problem that needs to be solved if you want the relationship to survive.
You know the relationship is wrong as it is, but something is stopping you getting past a block you have both created. This is why you are still together living in this painful place.
This means the relationship becomes stuck and in your case for 14 years. Afraid to commit together and now too afraid to leave.
Something has to break the cycle of fear to remove your pain to give the relationship a chance. The fear is created because the needs of the individual(s) in the relationship were not being met. Or one or both of you believed that your needs in the future would not be met by this relationship.
Either way there is a belief in your relationship that fears it would not make one or both of you happy.
These constant fears have driven you both to start to resent each other and so the relationship starts to suffer. You admit you both put little effort into the relationship and so it started to die. Any relationship that stop growing will start dieing and so the result in this case has been an affair.
For him his needs have not been met in the relationship and so too afraid to leave, he looks to have his needs met outside of the relationship. If the needs of any relationship are not met then some kind of trouble is likely, an affair is just one behaviour that can result.
You will also have deeper needs which will be met in other ways other than through the relationship. You may be connecting or looking for love from family, friends or children.
How ever you are both getting your needs met if they are not with each other then the trust will be going or gone between you.
When the affair was discovered you were too afraid to end the relationship and so you have no choice, but to accept the affair and are very likely to search for what you did wrong to make the affair possible.
Because none of the fears and worries have been removed from the relationship he has started to resort back to his old pattern of seeking the good feelings he gets when he is with other women.
He knows this hurts his you, but he won’t stop because he wants to feel good, and he has learnt to show you a lack of respect over time and now this is acceptable to him. Fearing a split you will not give him an ultimatum and so you are left with complaining and you know this drives him further away from you.
By accepting his new behaviours and keeping him in your relationship, you are teaching him that his behaviours are OK, so he has no reason to change what he is doing. At the moment his feeling are the opposite, it is more painful to him to stop seeing these women so he will defend his right by saying that nothing is going on.
So on one level you feel that you should trust him, but your fears of his affair have driven you to check up on him. Your life is becoming consumed with all that’s wrong and you are becoming understandably exhausted.
And as soon as the pain for either one of you becomes greater than the fear of leaving, then one of you will leave the relationship.
My question is this: I wonder what this relationship would look like without the fears. This you say you love each other and I believe you.
You have just not found away to meet each other needs and this is what’s driving your fears for the future.
When you can find away to meet each others needs on all levels, he will no longer want to be near other women and you will discover how to rebuild your trust and get you passion back.
So the answer is, understand the drivers behind your fears. Understand both your critical needs and make meeting them your life’s mission.
Then you will gain respect back for yourself and live a future that is happy and fear free.
Affairs are probably one of the areas of relationships that have proven to impact individuals the greatest.
The impact of an affair is potentially huge on so many people and can literally rip families apart.
People feel betrayed, full of resentment, some wanting revenge, on all levels the emotional response is very high.
Affairs can happen for many reasons, my experience in couples counselling have been that affairs have happened due to the person who had the affair feeling that they were missing something in their lives and they believe the new person will fulfil that need.
This is in most cases a costly perception because whilst a few needs did get fulfilled many other critical needs become pushed to one side. In the excitement the cost can be ignored.
This cost is then discovered too late and when the damage has been done.
To start on the road to recovery after an affair both parties must be given the room to air honest feelings, create new boundaries and share what they believe caused the affair.
What starts off a seemingly simple quest for lust, can easily unravel far deeper issues in the individuals and the relationship.
It is for this reason that before a decision about the future of the relationship is decided, understanding is a key part of that process.
Every situation is different and what you want is individual and personal to you.
Understanding what caused the affair is a first step to building a stronger relationship. Very often relationships that do survive this destructive event, and understand why it happened do go on to be more in tune with each others needs.
If an affair has affected your relationship and you would
like support please contact Stephen Hedger today
Step 2 – Relationship Rebuilding Process
Stephen Hedger will help the couple understand how their critical needs are affecting their relationship their behaviours and their partners behaviours.
All individuals in relationships have needs that are critical for the relationship to be successful.
In the early days of the relationship it is very easy to meet all these needs at once.
As time goes by and the relationships settle down into daily life the needs that were being met can start to drift away. If these problems not addressed this can result in a passionless relationship where the couple love eachother, but live together as friends until one becomes unhappy and leaves the relationship.
If an individual no longer feels significant in the relationship then they will go to where they can feel this way. This could be with friends, working late, hobbies or even an affair.
If one of the couple has to have financial security before they can open up to feeling of love this can damage the passionate side of the relationship.
So the order of the needs is important.
Stephen will work with the couple to discover their critical needs for the relationship to be successful and help the couple understand how these needs are driving their behaviours. These session will cover values and rules if one or both people in the couple have a destructive pattern.
Building lasting relationships with Stephen Hedger
To Make An Appointment Call: 0845 519 4808
STEPHEN HEDGER:
Marriage Adviser & Divorce Prevention Specialist
10 Harley Street London W1G 9PF
