The first step to stopping your arguments is to understand why you have them. Because what we feel is so automatic and feels so real, the understanding of what’s really happening with you both takes time to digest, however…
…once you understand what is really going on, you will hear what people say in a whole new light, that also puts you back in control of you and your emotions.
Arguments erupt out of situations where we feel that something is wrong, and so out of frustration we aggressively communicate to our partners our perspective on how we feel about what they have said or done, or not said and done.
- The question is this: Is how we feel about what our partners have said or done actually true or are we out of control and living in reaction out of fear?
The second step is to understand that it is our translation of a situation that we created that helps us to feel good or bad.
Any situation has potentially hundreds of meanings. If we choose to focus on the worst meaning, or the meaning which suggests that our partners intentions were to hurt us, or they are not trust worthy, then youâ€™ll have a fight on your hands. Because they will aggressively defend their position.
Arguments go round in circles
Couples arguments can go round in circle with this. This is because what started the argument gets lost into a fight over what was actually said. This is a fight over actual words and intent verses translated meanings and distorted intent.
So in short if we are feeling bad about something our partner has said and done, or not said and done then our assumptions of those situations have created the meanings which limit the possibility of hundreds of other meanings.
This would suggest a mind reading ability and you are so in tune with them that you understand the intention behind everything they say and do.
Some of the possible meanings will be bad and some of the meanings will be good. So in the context of creating meanings, facts no longer exist and so whatever you think is true has more chances of being wrong.
Understanding the intention behind your partners words is your key to stopping your arguments.
So the next time your partner does something which you instantly think is wrong STOP AND THINK! Was their intention to hurt me? If you still think is was then find out for sure never assume.
Remember itâ€™s you that translates their words into a meaning, and so its the meanings you have created thatÂ equals they cannot be trusted. Obviously if you believe your partner canâ€™t be trusted on some level you are going to feel bad inside. But be crystal clear that it is you that created that meaning and the emotions that then followed.