What’s killing your relationship?

Many people are killing their relationship without knowing. Below I have created a simple list of the kinds of behaviours I see that consistently break relationships. Any one of these will cause problems and many couples practice many all at once. 

Many people create negative feelings within them and then attach those feelings to their relationship.

Too many people practice these relationship eroding behaviours and are not aware they are part of the problem they are complaining about.

The saddest part is too many couples [Read more...]

One session was all it took

I arrived in Harley Street yesterday ready to get working with a couple in my intensive Marriage Profiling Program. When I arrived I received a voice mail from another client I saw earlier in the week and she shared something that is important for all couples to know…

This couple came to their first meeting with me for an evaluation session where we have 90 minutes together. The goal of the first session with any couple is to evaluate where they are in-terms of severity and the goals they would like to achieve.

It was an interesting session because initially their problem was not obvious. [Read more...]

PLEASE DON’T DO THIS…

Six months ago a couple turns up to my session, they are having a few arguments and they seem to be getting worse, but they made it very clear they love each other. I could see their love was true.

However their arguments were clearly effecting them, but they did not understand the gravity of their situation.

They laughed and joked about their problems, but I could see they were covering up a real pain that sat under their humor. [Read more...]

Top 10 Reasons Why Your Sex Life Will Die

The most common symptom of a struggling relationship is when the passion/intimacy dies. Sex in a relationship is a powerful barometer of how the relationship is really doing.

Everyone expects the passion to be heightened when they first met, but unfortunately the view is that over time it dies and this view seems to be widely accepted.

The reality is this does not have to be the case, if it has died it has died for a reason and that reason is not time. You both have to consistantly do something for your sex life to stop.

So let’s look at the top ten reasons why your sex life could be on it’s way out…

[Read more...]

Relationship Conflict Management: “YOU @#**$%*> GET OUT!”

You know the situation, your blood is boiling, you are both shouting at each other, both in full flow. You can’t understand how your partner could be so stupid or selfish! In the moment you hate with a passion.

What’s interesting in these arguments is there always seems to be two totally different perspectives on the same  problem. There seems to be two truths… Really?!

How is that possible? Is someone dishonest? Are they both dishonest? Is someone playing control games? Is one party deliberately trying to hurt the other? Why can’t the couple, even agree on the basic facts?

The woman is usually thinking, why is he not understanding me? He is usually focused on the exact words and the exact events, the more he tries to prove his fact are right, the worse she feels and her anger escalates much to his frustration.

He knows he is right factually so clearly, she is has gone crazy. She can’t understand how he can be so insensitive, he is more interested in proving her wrong than helping her.

Clearly she gone mad and the men in the white van need to be called, and he’s and insensitive self centered @#**$%!

Does this happen to your relationship is this how you feel?

Would you really like these arguments  to end, because it can when you know what to do!

Now what I will say to the men here is: If your partner has become distant, has stopped complaining, is quietly going about her life day-to-day, she’s not passionate, but it’s quiet so better than the screaming version of her…right!?  WRONG!!!

This is time for you to worry! I know quiet for men equals all is well, but in female terms it means there is a massive, and I mean massive problem!

If she has stopped complaining and you know things are not right between you it means she has given up and see’s no point in communicating. She has lost trust and without trust there is no relationship.

For the women I want you to know this: No matter how many times you say what you want him to understand he will never get it, he may pay lip service to it to keep the peace, or he may shout you down, but he really will never understand.

Why is it this way?

The answer is simple, men and women communicate totally differently, unless you know how to translate emotional needs to each other in each others language you will never get through.

I have many couples that come to sessions get this and live wonderful lives together. I also work with a minority that say they want change and understand, but put no effort in, expect their partner to do all the changing and then wonder why the relationship fails again.

When your partner speaks, what is important is what their words mean to them: This is the whole point of communicating, if you put your spin on their words and then make them responsible for your interpretation, how in anyones world does that make sence.

What this means is you have to understand them and what their words really mean to them, only then will they feel heard.

Plus the words are only half the story… because she has stored up years of what he has done wrong and he seems to have developed a hearing problem.

  • Do you want to know how to get out of these vicious circles if so get in touch today!




Listen To The Alarms They Are There To Protect You!

Too many people ignore the alarms in their relationship and within themselves and end up heading for the rocks. With the right focus this can be avoided but whatever you do, doing nothing is not a good choice and i’ll explain why…

Your mind and body is constantly working to ensure your survival. The problem is most people see the alarm as the problems and try to shut them down.

This is why individuals and couples find themselves in so much trouble.

For example: Arguments: The arguments are the signal (alarm) that something has to change, we can work together to stop the arguments, but the real issue that created the alarm will still be there.

This is why couples end up going round in circles.

Whatever your presenting problem, or alarm you can be 99% sure that that is not the real problem.

Example: I remember being told about advice a counsellor gave to one of my clients. The husband had complained about his wife dramatically over reacting and arguing with him. So the diagnosis was she had anger management issues, his wife believed the diagnosis and became depressed because she had to suppress her true feelings. [Read more...]

Will My relationship Last?

So you want to know if your relationship will last? Of course you do, who wouldn’t! When couples come to see me, no matter what their relationship challenge is from arguments to affairs they have the power to make any situation better, all that’s missing is the know how.

Couples without knowing, together create the perfect growth conditions for agruments, affairs, lack of trust, lack of care, and then wonder why they have no sex life, and then no relationship. They are very successful at creating misery for themselves and each other.

How does this happen and what can you do about stopping this in your relationship?


I wonder what advice you would give to others if they told you they were being treated badly by their partner.

Would your advice be to change who their are and what they stand for? [Read more...]

How To Stop Arguing?

The first step to stopping your arguments is to understand why you have them. Because what we feel is so automatic and feels so real, the understanding of what’s really happening with you both takes time to digest, however…

…once you understand what is really going on, you will hear what people say in a whole new light, that also puts you back in control of you and your emotions.

Arguments erupt out of situations where we feel that something is wrong, and so out of frustration we aggressively communicate to our partners our perspective on how we feel about what they have said or done, or not said and done.

  • The question is this: Is how we feel about what our partners have said or done actually true or are we out of control and living in reaction out of fear?

The second step is to understand that it is our translation of a situation that we created that helps us to feel good or bad.

Any situation has potentially hundreds of meanings. If we choose to focus on the worst meaning, or the meaning which suggests that our partners intentions were to hurt us, or they are not trust worthy, then you’ll have a fight on your hands. Because they will aggressively defend their position.

Arguments go round in circles

Couples arguments can go round in circle with this. This is because what started the argument gets lost into a fight over what was actually said. This is a fight over actual words and intent verses translated meanings and distorted intent.

So in short if we are feeling bad about something our partner has said and done, or not said and done then our assumptions of those situations have created the meanings which limit the possibility of hundreds of other meanings.

This would suggest a mind reading ability and you are so in tune with them that you understand the intention behind everything they say and do.

Some of the possible meanings will be bad and some of the meanings will be good. So in the context of creating meanings, facts no longer exist and so whatever you think is true has more chances of being wrong.

Understanding the intention behind your partners words is your key to stopping your arguments.

So the next time your partner does something which you instantly think is wrong STOP AND THINK! Was their intention to hurt me? If you still think is was then find out for sure never assume.

Remember it’s you that translates their words into a meaning, and so its the meanings you have created that  equals they cannot be trusted. Obviously if you believe your partner can’t be trusted on some level you are going to feel bad inside. But be crystal clear that it is you that created that meaning and the emotions that then followed.

We Just Can’t Seem To Talk Anymore

When a couple experiences a communication breakdown in marriage. What happens is they start off fighting to get their point across to each other. The couple don’t see that their anger and energy is an expression of their love, passion and frustration all at once, which at that moment in time is directed into a cry for help.

  • If their partner does not see this as a cry for help, they will start off a destructive loop of punishing each other in their quest to get back to love.

If the couple experience this situation for too long what can happen is they start to see that no matter what they do, they can’t seem to get through to their partner so they can start to give-up, and although the arguments do stop, they are stopping for all the wrong reasons.

  • The couple no longer see the point of communicating at all.

Communication breakdown – Get aware of what you are doing fast!

If the couple give-up arguing in this destructive state of hopelessness, the relationship is in real danger. One person in the relationship has to get sane very quickly to save the relationship.

Each person in the relationship has to take 100% responsibility for the relationship. This puts the individuals back in control of the relationship and no longer in a place of helplessness where they think they are only capable of being responsible for their half of the relationship.

Communication breakdown steps to disaster

Many couples are to focused on being right or winning arguments and so what happens when they don’t get what they want they pull their, attention and love away to punish their partner.

  • They are under the illusion that doing this teaches their partner a lesson so they won’t do this again.

There is never ever any place in a relationship where punishment works ever! If you punish your partner prepare yourself for more pain.

Because if your partner shares your model, that punishment ultimately generates love through understanding, they will probably do the same to you when they receive your punishment.

  • If you want your relationship back on track show love, only love in every of minute of every day no matter what.

If you punish your partner what you do is drive them away and put them in a place of fear where they can no longer trust you.

If you show them unconditional love no matter what they do, they will come to you and from this position of trust, an honest heartfelt understand can be created, from a place of safety.

Whatever your partner has said or done, you can never make them wrong, because that means that you are in a position to judge them and YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED to do so. In fact no man or woman on this earth is qualified to be the judge of another.

  • Judge your partner, make them wrong, assume you know their intensions, pull your love away and you’ll create a storm big enough to rip a whole family apart.

Is this happening to you, are you committed to making a change? …If so get in touch today!

How To Stop Our Arguments?

The way to stop your arguments is to understand them and know how potentially destructive they are being to your relationship.

Those that try to win arguments end up paying a bigger price

Many people have a destructive illusion that trying to win arguments is their goal because if they do win (whatever that means) what happens is they are left with an unhappy partner, and this equals trouble too.

So there are no winners in arguments. If you make this your goal, you’ll generate a partner that will never be the one you want, because you will be resented and that can eventually lead to a relationship break-up.

Fears block understanding

Your goal in a disagreement is understanding, but the reason couples don’t focus on understanding their problem is because all they see is trouble, and then they fear a future that might be generated by the argument, or they fear the future that created the argument..

That future could be a split, lack of respect, being controlled, never being free, being abandoned, or rejected,…this is potentially a very long list.

From these places of fear, the couple aggressively go round in circles trying to fix what they believe to be wrong, but they do it through blame, or defending their words.

The reason they go round in circles never getting to the answer is because what they are fighting about is not their real problem.

Couples try to fix the wrong problem

It’s like trying to stop a tap leaking by closing the front door. Yes it’s as ridiculous as that, but couples don’t know this and they keep slamming that door expecting the leak to stop, but of course it never does.

  • Moaning, blaming, defending, shouting, making your partner wrong, judging them. Have you ever know this to be the route to a loving unconditional relationship.

Start understanding and get good information fast

If men could understand that their women are shouting at them because they don’t feel safe, or if women understood that the reason men run away is because they never feel they can make her happy, then the relationships would be so much easier.

Of course this is a huge simplification of any conflict, but just understanding this will start to help you understand that there is an underlying intention behind anyone’s words or behaviours in an argument and taking them literally is dangerous for your relationship.

Understand your partner now!

Relationships have to be learnt just like any other skill. Thinking that long lasting unconditional relationships  are natural is also a dangerous illusion. Nature only ever intended the sexual attraction to be real. The rest of what we believe a relationship to be about is made up by man, that’s why after the initial sexual buzz that was automatic, we have to now make lots of effort to keep our relationships alive.

  • If your partner is shouting at you, know that they fear something, so shouting back is only going to make them more worried.

It’s likely that their shouting is a cry for help, and they want you to help them which is why they are shouting at you.

You might feel good when you are right, but be careful that you don’t end up being right and alone.

Is the Clock Ticking On Your Relationship?

What is going on in your relationship without you knowing?

Des wrote to me because his relationship was over and he was heart-broken (check out his story here). Des did not know that from his perspective and the beliefs he had for how relationships work, that he was destroying his relationship without knowing… The reverse of what he wanted…

Des is not alone… this could be happening to you everyday…

Men and women across the country are just like Des. Without knowing they have created a perspective and beliefs and rules for how relationships work, and they drop this untested system on their relationships.

It’s not long before problems are brewing and arguments start.

Des is not at fault for his lack of understanding of how relationships work, because who in our education system teaches us? NO-ONE!…

But Des has paid the ultimate price and his little boy now is without a father

Most people are blind to the understanding that they DON‘T KNOW, WHAT THEY DON‘T KNOW, and with relationships this is pretty much everyone.

Des’s partner ended the relationship based on a truth from her perspective. Truths from this place are not facts and so the relationship ended for the wrong reasons.

PLEASE don’t assume you know what’s right for your relationship, please find out THE TRUTH, BEFORE THE WRONG TRUTH COMES OUT TO BITE YOU.

If this post has struck a chord with you

  • You can call Stephen Hedger relationship Coach on 0845 519 4808 or
  • You can ask me a question just like Des. Click Free Relationship Advice

Who Is Responsible For Your Relationship?

If you want your relationship to be happy and fulfilling then you need to be 100% responsible for what happens within it.

Everything in life has a cause and affect, and in your relationship you are influencing all that happens, even the things you don

Differences Between The Sexes – Communication

Have you ever wondered why men and women struggle to understand each other?

There are many, many reasons, but here is one that might help.

Do you notice that women can talk and talk and talk and never really seem to have a point. For example they can go on a shopping trip and talk at length at everything they did and saw, tried on liked and disliked.

Why when women talk about their day like this do men switch off.

Do the men not love their partners?…

Are the men bored of hearing the women talk, is this a sign something is going wrong in the relationship, do you both need to talk about he fact your not talking like you both used to?

No the men get frustrated because they are constantly looking for ways to help women (note if he has stopped doing this then there will be a reason), the longer there is nothing to fix the more frustrated they become and so they give up.

The woman notices everything and so she sees the man give up and then gives it a meaning, such as he is going off her, doesn

7 Reasons: How You Know You’re In The Wrong Relationship

Being in the wrong relationship is an upsetting time, but how do you know. What do you need to look out for? Love is not always enough to keep a couple together it the following situations arise.

1. If your partners intent is to try to hurt you physically or emotionally

2. If your vision or goals for the future are totally different

3. If you believe their fears for losing you is controlling what you think and do.

4. Your partner is only interested in taking from you no matter how much you give.

5. If you dislike who you become in their company

6. You have real evidence that you cannot trust your partner.

7. Addiction to substances or gambling.

Here is a bonus one for you to consider

8. Your gut is telling you something is wrong, but you are not sure what. Register on the right for a free coaching session with me and you could just discover why you feel this way.

She Is Looking Angry What Do You Do?

Through a lack of understanding between the sexes and what each other needs, men and women can get into conflict very quickly. So a little knowledge can turn a potential war into loving.

The first rule is don