Mastering Your Emotions

If you translate your partners behaviours to be bad yet you miss their true intent which was actually good who in the moment has caused the relationship stress?

This situation is practiced by so many couples and they simply can’t see it. As a result they will cycle through blame, frustration, anger, sadness and potential detachment. The problem this situation creates is when we feel someone has done us a wrong and it hurts us we will remember it and hold on to it.

So when the person who says they love you has hurt you and it happens again and again we go on red alert. You see not being loved in the way we need has so much pain attached to it, many of us will avoid that feeling at all costs, so the result is we will move to protect ourselves.

This means we are looking for what’s wrong instead of looking for our partners intent. [Read more...]

Who do you become to cope with your problems?

One of the most challenging parts of building a successful marriage is when one or both people are living, or are focused in such away they have become someone they are not to cope with their relationship or their life. 

This is most apparent when couples misunderstand each others words or actions and they move to protect themselves. They can become frustrated, angry, shut down, sad, depressed or lonely to name a few.

For example:

When a relationship goes wrong a person will naturally move to focus on protecting themselves, the problem is, if this focus is practiced enough that person can become stuck in becoming someone they are not and living that way in their relationship. [Read more...]

Do you have a marriage you’re proud of?

As your children grow they are learning how life should be from your example. You are showing them through your actions what is normal. You are giving them their first blueprint of what an intimate relationship is like with another human.

So when you think about the relationship you are having with your partner, are you proud of what you are presenting to your children? Are you happy that they may adopt your relationship as their model for success?

If you don’t have children, would you be happy to present your relationship as the model for others to follow? [Read more...]

What’s my role in my life and am I living my true identity?

I tell this story in my sessions to help couples question themselves and what they are thinking and doing in connection with their partners and their children. This is about our identity, how we see ourselves and how this leads us in our most important roles in life.

One day in Harley Street I was waiting for a lift to take me to the third floor. A man carrying a very heavy bag walked towards me.

He struggled with his bag and put it down, slightly out of breath he stood next to me. [Read more...]

“Home became quite hostile which affected our children…”

Tim and I went to see Stephen Hedger because after nearly twenty years together our relationship seemed to have fallen into an unhappy rut which neither of us knew how to get out of.

Like most couples at the beginning of the relationship we were blissfully happy and both felt incredibly lucky to have found each other and looked forward to sharing our lives, making a family of our own and growing old together.

Life was good to us generally but the everyday stress of work, three children and buying a house we couldn’t quite afford slowly chipped away at our relationship.  [Read more...]

Infidelity Problems: Who is to blame?

So imagine this, she enters my session full of anger. Her partner has slept with another woman and she’s livid.

When this kind of trust gets broken it’s totally understandable for the innocent party to experience significant pain.

But when you look at the bigger picture I wonder if your initial perspective changes. [Read more...]

Do You Know Someone Like This?

Too many people are trying to control their outside world so they can feel good and this is really hard work. They end up feeling empty and detached from their true authentic self, some confused end up looking for reasons to blame others for how they feel.

Inside they feel that something is wrong so they need to rebalance their world, over time a behaviour is born to cope, it becomes their thing to do when life feels wrong.

What’s interesting is someone in this place will become addicted to a behaviour, but will not make the connection that the behaviour has to be repeated constantly for it to work, so it actually doesn’t work. [Read more...]

What Are You Doing To Save Your Relationship?

When a couples relationship hits problems the first person they blame is usually their partner. They look to their partner to make changes that will help them to be happy.

This usually helps the couple enter into a tit-for-tat blame game, as each person blames the other for the poor state of the relationship.

“…if you never said X, then I would have never have done Y, so clearly you are the cause” This type of exchange is very common, BUT the question is where is the growth in this exchange?

Unless the couple are creating growth in their communication the only way the relationship is heading is down.

So if you blame your partner then this puts you in a vulnerable situation.

What would happen if you took a long hard look at YOU. What could you do or change, to make your relationship better. This simple refocus would put you back in control taking action to save a relationship or marriage that you probably really want to save.

So take a moment what could you do?

What could you change about you that would save your relationship? You might just discover the compound effect of lots of little things can make a massive difference.

Relationships hits trouble – Is the end the solution!?

When a relationship hits rocky ground and the future seems very uncertain. The couples natural reaction is to want to fight what they believe is causing the problem...

A lot of couples blame each other, so they assume that their compatibility is wrong and blame the relationship. They believe that this where their fight is, so they start the fight there. Seems logical of course, I’m not feeling good based on your behaviours so the reason we are in trouble is because of you, or we are just not a good fit.

Obvious solution, end the relationship!

That will get rid of the initial pain and open up the possibility of a far better future…however…

…It is likely that the relationship patterns will run again, and show up in the next relationship too. It’s not until individuals go through this a few times and a lot of pain, do they start to question what the real problem might be.

What if the fight is not the fault of the relationship…

…what if you think it’s the relationship and your wrong, who has to pay for that major error of judgement?

What if the behaviours in you, or your partner was driven from past events long before you met. This means it’s not the real you, or your partners’ true self, or your relationship that is the real problem! [Read more...]

The most important lesson…

If you don’t have the life you want today, one of the most important things to change about you is your attitude. Change your attitude about your past and do it fast. If your past is anything other than a school of learnt experiences that you can grow from, then you are in for a tough ride in the future.

Yes your life may have been full of knocks, maybe you had poor parents, or no guidance, maybe your partner left you for someone else, maybe you lost your business, or you just feel unlucky…

What do you want to happen? Do you want the next 5 years to be the same as the last?

Tell me this what will you gain from thinking about how you have been wronged over and over again. Will this lead to your happiness? [Read more...]

When the chemistry goes and relationships change…

Today we are looking at what happens in most relationships and how to avoid doing the same..

Do you remember when you met your partner and how it was for you? How you felt when you thought of them, how you felt just before you saw them, how life suddenly started to feel different and exciting again.

Do you remember what you did? The chances are you actually did very little, the chemical reaction within you created all the drive you needed to want to do all the things that convinced you and your partner to decide that creating a life together would be amazing.

When couples first meet they usually can’t keep their hands off each other and they create the illusion that this is how life will be. This becomes fact within their minds that they are some how unique and problems only happen in other peoples lives.

But then something changes…

The chemical reaction goes, and the motivation stops you doing everything that worked and fear and problems are now not far away. The couple then start hurting each other as they blame the other for the change. Pulling love away as a means to get back to the euphoria they once felt.

The couple that once put so much effort in to giving, have slowly become takers and this strategy never works.

If you give love to receive love then you are “trading in love” and that never feels good.

The answer is to give love regardless of what others do, you do this because this who you are… “A loving person!”

Defining who you are and living by your own rules and consistently and fearlessly becoming who you are is critical for your happiness. This is the real secret to passionate lasting relationships.

If you create an amazing version of you, that lives your life to your highest standards, you instantly become more attractive and happier.

When fear strikes couples, they pull love away, the couple instantly become unattractive to each other, the reverse of what they really want.

When couples come to me for help, usually blaming each other for their problems, one of my key goals is to build their confidence to be fearless in their quest to be who they really are. Not the distorted unhappy version that fitted in, trying to re-balance the relationship to feel happy again, but never sure quite how to fix it.

Becoming who you really want to be takes courage, but when you do, you’ll feel the spark ignite within you, as you start to create the behaviours that first attracted you both.

You cannot point the finger of blame at your partner if you have not been who you really are too. Stop looking for blame today and start looking for new behaviours that create relationships that grow and ignite passion.

  • Too many people claim to be honest, yet they are not honest with themselves about what they have become in their own relationship.

Is today the day..?

…you will hold YOU to a higher standard?

  • If you are going to have values, become those values you say you live by. Anything that is valuable has a cost attached. A cost to get it and a cost to not getting it. Only one will give you happiness.
  • If you want an easier relationship, work out how you can be a better partner. If you would like less arguments learn how to communicate better.
  • If your relationship is not working go in search of what you can do to make a difference. Searching for what your partner has done wrong is the easy route to more pain.
  • If you want to judge your partner find out how you are qualified to do that job, because your not.
  • If you are going to punish your partner, ask yourself if he or she did that to you, would you feel more or less love? Now ask yourself if you want them to feel less love towards you.
  • If your future looks dull or boring don’t blame your partner, it’s you that has not designed your future your partner is not your entertainment committee.
  • If your life today is not the way if should be, don’t let blame be your route to a comfortable loss of control over you. Take charge of you today.
  • Don’t let fear be your guiding light, let what you value show you the way.
  • People who live in their heads only ever get pain, it’s the people who live in their hearts who discover true peace and happiness.
  • The greatest gift you can give yourself and your partner is the commitment to help them to grow into the person they have always wanted to be in the life they have always wanted to live.

It’s only those who are lost and in pain, that choose to blame, that look to take, and make others wrong.

The people who succeed are the one who choose to give, add value and ask what can I do to make things better and then commit to those changes persistently throughout their lives.

  • They are the ones who are happy becuase they live an honest life true to what they value!
    The question is… are you being true to you?

Your happiness or lack of it will be reflecting that truth - that is a message listen to it!

Who Is Responsible For Your Relationship?

If you want your relationship to be happy and fulfilling then you need to be 100% responsible for what happens within it.

Everything in life has a cause and affect, and in your relationship you are influencing all that happens, even the things you don