Communication Rules For Relationships

Following in on from communication skills post from yesterday, without some boundaries in place for communication then all sorts of problems can occur.

To help couples create more harmony I help them to understand some simple rules they can both live by.

Never Judge your partner:

The only way we can be qualified to judge our partners is if we were actually them, this is because the meanings we all give to our own words are based on many hidden factors and our past is one of them. If someone judged us then it would assume they understood how we arrived at our meanings.

That would mean they understood your past and many other factors too, of course they don’t…

When their words don’t make sence

So instead of focusing on your partner words that don’t seem to make sense to you, words that could be open to your judgement, focus on their emotional state.

After all, do you really need to understand everything before you will see the person you love is in pain and all he or she needs is love?

So never assume you understand your partners words and don’t judge them – you are not qualified.

Relationship Boundaries and Values

Are you teaching your partner how to hurt you without knowing?

What do you want your partner to learn about you and what’s important to you? Understanding what you teach your partner is critical. Your behaviours to their actions creates the boundaries that are supposed to be keeping you safe secure and happy. So in your relationship you would expect to have basic values such as trust, respect, honesty.

The problem arises when individuals fail to give these basic values to themselves. Many people claim that certain things like “respect” are important then disrespect themselves in their own relationships. The result is potentially catastrophic for them and their relationship.

Many people who attend my sessions are initially confused about setting clear boundaries in their relationships.

If boundaries are not set then what happens you will teach your partners that they can do anything to you and it’s OK. You may complain, cry, scream, throw things, but at the end of the day if they do what they like and you accept it on some level, it’s likely they will do it again.

This can be from little things such as being taken for granted to full blown affairs.

I have seen the most angelic people men and women taking advantage of their partners lack of boundaries, to degrees you would not believe.

This happens because even the most outwardly honest, kind and gentle folk have the capability to go to a place of fear when life does not feel right for them. From this place all that is important to them becomes unimportant in the moment and they can do the most destructive things, they openly admit they are ashamed of.

This is why understanding your core values for life is critical, because when you know your values they will tell you why you feel so bad.

If you feel bad your values will tell you specifically what has happened and why. You are then armed to communicate that to your partner. This level of communication will create a secure, respectful and honest behaviours in both of you.

If more couples would communicate honestly to their partners as things do not feel good, then this would make creating boundaries easier and avoid accumulation of resentment and fears.

I cannot stress enough how important this is to your relationships and your life.

Without knowing you could be teaching your partner how to destroy your relationship because you fear them leaving you, so you’re afraid to be honest with them.

When you do not respect, trust and love YOU how can you expect your partner to.

Far too many people run their relationships from a place of fear. I have seen enough evidence that fear in relationships creates the very thing the individual fears. Plus even if they do manage to stay together, they will always feel that something is not right.

When this happens the passion suffers.

Tell your partner what is critical for you to have in your relationship. Critical means that if you don’t have it the relationship will suffer. For example “I need to be able to trust you” or “I need to feel respected and important to you” Tell your partner what you need, and how they can be successful at giving it to you. When you don’t feel you are getting what you need tell them why.

Most of all, be consistent. If one day you accept behaviours you don’t like, and other days you don’t, you are creating confusion.

Remember your boundaries are there to protect you and to help you grow harmony in your relationships from a place of respect and honesty both for them and you.

With the right boundaries you will feel safer, not only in your relationship, but safer that you can trust you, to respect you and give you what you need to be happy.