Can she really trust her feelings?

If someone is going to rely on their feelings to guide their life, wouldn’t it be important to understand how their feelings are actually created?

How can you trust a feeling if you don’t know what you did to create it?

Or more relevant for some, how can a person break up a family or leave a partner they once loved if they don’t know how they created the feeling they are relying on today?

Many people are too focused on blaming others for their feelings but doing this puts them out of control of themselves and their life.

Below are past clients who’s thinking was not safe for them.

When her husband tells her, he’s having an affair and wants to keep the affair partner but not leave her what does she have to think and feel to stay with him for two years of him disappearing each weekend with his lover? [Read more...]

“The importance of challenging destructive thinking”

9 out of 10 couples would stop suffering with each other if they changed the way they think about their relationship and their problems.  When a couples thinking is challenged, they can start to understand why they have been on different pages for so long.

One of the most critical aspects of my work is to challenge a couples thinking to help them get back on the same page.

The reason this is so important is the way we think and the meanings we attach to that thinking is what creates our understanding of our world and how we feel in it.

So if someone is going to create a habit of thinking in a particular way, it’s important they know if it’s going to make their life easier and happier or significantly harder.

Sadly so many people have a way of thinking their way out of a perfectly good marriage without knowing the marriage is not the problem at all.

The problem so many couples face is they struggle to fix their problems because they are limited by what they know, and it’s not enough to connect them to their truth. [Read more...]

Natures cruellest trick is creating consistent marital stress

Virtually every person that comes into my programs is looking for me to change their partners’ behaviours. I have rarely heard the message “my marriage is in crisis, can you help me become a better husband or wife?”

This is a shame because becoming an effective partner really is the only thing we are 100% in control of. Trying to control someone or manipulate them so they behave the way we want never works out well but sadly couples keep trying this process even though the result is bad for them both.

So the trend of message I receive is “…we’ll have a better relationship if you can fix my partner”.

He’s a bully or she’s too controlling, he’s emotionally absent or she’s got anger problems.

The ping-pong of criticism doesn’t help the couple become effective team members of their relationship. [Read more...]

The worst personality trait that must be solved for the marriage to survive

Last year I was working with a gentleman who was a stunt pilot. He was a really great guy but he suffered from a severe problem and he was not aware of it. In fact, he was convinced his wife was the problem.

His marriage would never work if he kept this problem. As you scan this post you discover what happened to change this gentleman’s thinking – he was visibly shocked.

His problem is a problem I see a lot in varying degrees in my meeting with couples and can affect both men and women.

The root problem is rigidity in the persons thinking. In essence, the person thinks they are right and they will fight to protect those thoughts. [Read more...]

Changing destructive patterns of behaviour

When helping a couple out of a crisis one focus that’s critical is learning if either person has a destructive pattern that’s likely to stop them from becoming a valuable partner.

It’s very common for most people to have some kind of unhelpful pattern(s) that won’t support the success of their marriage.

Sometimes the pattern is due to a lack of relationship building knowledge or poor role models. Sometimes it’s due to some kind of emotionally distressing historic event that created a pattern designed to protect the person but never does and so they suffer.

The combination of both challenges can lead couples to very challenging symptoms that disconnect the couple and put trust in question. [Read more...]

He was visibly shocked: Transformation out of depression and anxiety

What do you do when you can feel your life is falling apart and you don’t know why or how to stop it?

Earlier this year a gentleman attended a meeting with me. He told me two years ago a couple who were his friends had come to see me and because they were delighted with their transformation they both said he must come and get my help as his marriage was suffering.

He said he didn’t know why it had taken so long to book in but he said he was now in so much pain and suffering he couldn’t see a way out and didn’t think anyone could help.

As he shared his story I could hear he was very stuck.

He was CEO of a tech company BUT he rarely went to work because he lived with terrible anxiety and depressive moods.

His business was suffering massively as a result.

He had also moved out of his family home as the marriage became impossible for them both.

He suffered from such bad reactions to his family even his children struggled with him and he was losing a relationship with them all. [Read more...]

What is really causing your relationship problems?

When couples try to solve their relationship problems most will notice they will either be making them worse or some will try to bury them as a means to move on and stay together.

What I see is people doing their best to get to a good place but without really understanding the structure of their problem and what is really blocking their success.

The key to helping a couple reconnect regardless of their situation is to help them see the structure of their problems so they are armed to work together as a team to battle their problems rather than each other.

The first mission is stopping the couple making their problem worse.

By understanding the core structure of the problem and learning the tools to navigate their way out of their issues the couple can avoid solving the wrong problems. [Read more...]

He filed for divorce totally unaware of the truth

In November 2016 he told me he was done – this was his first and last meeting with me and he was going to file for divorce. He was fed up with years of her being negative and controlling of him and everything around her.

He said he loved who she was when they first met but over the years and after a first child she had changed and he was now unable to stay with her.

He told me the relationship had been so difficult for him he felt he had no choice but to seek love elsewhere.

So he created a secret relationship with another woman and stayed with his wife not wanting to leave his child. It was his way of staying with the family but he was now at the end and needed to move on. [Read more...]

Can a Leopard change its spots?

Many people come into my session with years of experiencing their partner being a certain way. They need their partner to change, but they are not convinced it’s possible so they sit in the relationship protecting themselves from their partner.

So they ask me “can a Leopard change its spots?”

One gentleman came in with a severe marriage issue and he was trying to save it – she wanted a divorce, but he had terrible anger problems.

He told me he was going to anger management. I said “Why do you want to manage it? Don’t you want to get rid of it?”

I went on to explain to him that his anger was designed to meet his core needs and because it kept meeting those needs through his anger he would always behave this way. [Read more...]

“We both want our marriage to work – BUT it’s getting worse please help us”

“I never thought he would leave me.” “I can’t believe she just left” “I never knew things were this bad” These are the real messages I hear from people who ignored their partners cries for help and regretted it.

What couples who are struggling are not connecting with is they are in step-by-step process and if they take action now they can stop a marital disaster.

Today I’m going to help you understand it’s important to learn where you are so you can get real about your relationship and do something about it.

Below are the stages couples are going through without knowing. It’s important to understand where each of you is in this process.

Stage 1: Attraction – Love being together

Stage 2: Resistance – Problems starting to surface

Stage 3: Resentment – Problems not resolved

Stage 4: Detachment – Emotion protection

Stage 5: Decision – Position designed to take back control

Stage 6: Separation – Physical separation/Divorce [Read more...]

How do I help my failing marriage?

When you break down the process individuals and couples are going through to put their relationship into a crisis it’s easy to see why they are struggling to keep their connection alive. 

Helping couples to see where they are going wrong is a key skill to master to help them save and protect their marriage.

As you scan today’s post I will share with you a key strategy for helping couples out of crisis and a couple who was on the brink of divorce who needed help fast…

Before I share this strategy two steps are critical for couples in crisis to learn. Enlighten both people to understand how they have broken their marriage so they don’t repeat that mistake and help them learn what they must now do to keep it passionately alive.

These two understandings are key to keeping their foundations strong to support them for life.

Once people understand what’s really happening to themselves and each other they can replace their natural fears and self-protection patterns with understanding and confidence.

The goal is to help couples build confidence that no matter what hits them they both know what to do to protect their marriage as a team.

These skills are not natural and so they must be taught. [Read more...]

Why men don’t listen to their wives…

Many women complain to me that their husband doesn’t listen or won’t listen to her. She can complain that he is emotionally unavailable or just not capable of an emotional connection, suggesting that he is broken. 

Not hearing her can leave her feeling disconnected, resentful, and lonely in the marriage.

For women communication is a critical part of building trust, deepening connection so she can feel safe to be herself in her marriage. This helps her to feel safe to love him.

If she can’t connect with him she can feel they are the wrong fit or he doesn’t care or she’s not enough for him. This will lead her to protect herself from him and now a vicious cycle can start.

>>>Today I’m going to share the real reason why men don’t listen to their wives. [Read more...]

She told him she was unhappy with him…

I first spoke to this lady over the phone in 2014 she told me her husband thought she was being ridiculous we don’t have a problem you are just being overdramatic. She was unhappy as she was suffering and her husband didn’t seem to care.

I told her to come in to see me sadly she didn’t want to come without her husband and he refused to attend – a mistake he would live to regret.

For years this lady had suffered from her husband who was so engrossed in his work she felt lost and alone.

To be clear he wasn’t abusive, he didn’t have an affair on the surface they had a perfect life and he was an amazing provider.

For him being successful at work was his mission. He had built his company from nothing to give them the most amazing life. [Read more...]

Ten year marriage hits crisis – He shares his story

If you are reading this testimonial, it may be that you are in a similar place to where we were a few months ago and searching the internet for a possible solution, with low expectations.  I found these testimonials encouraging – hence offering one today (it is genuine).

Without going into details, following a “bump in the road”, our marriage was at a critical stage with a real risk of it ending – I (the husband) was at fault.  Although neither of us wanted this outcome after a relationship of almost ten years, it was hard to see a way out and how to change things.

This is where Stephen came to the rescue. [Read more...]

Top 7 relationship mistakes that lead couples to severe marital stress and many to divorce

I spend year after year with couples from all over the world who travel to see me to gain life-changing solutions to some of the most challenging marital issues.

Living day-to-day with all these couples in varying degrees of crisis helps me to see that so many couples are creating very common problems in their own relationship without even realising.

So today I’m going to share with you what I’m seeing so you can look at what is happening in your own relationship.

Each one of these points below is critical to thoroughly understand: [Read more...]

“Should I be in this marriage?” She asked

So I was chatting with a lady who was recommended to me and she wanted to find out if I could help her and her husband?

They were at breaking point and she was about to action lawyers, but she was unsure if she had really tried everything and had heard from a friend about me. She said she liked the idea that I don’t sit couples in their problems and focus on their past.

I asked her to help me understand from her perspective what she had experienced in the relationship.

As she was talking I could hear straight away that her husband was not protecting her emotionally and she was having to look after herself in her marriage.

I could hear she didn’t feel emotionally safe with him and she had lost all sense of who she was and was struggling to make a decision about her marriage that made sense to her. It was especially painful as she had young children and knew the wrong decision would affect them for life. [Read more...]

“I have done everything I can to save this relationship..!”

So a couple comes into see me and the message she provides me is “I have done everything I can to save this relationship, it will never change, he will never change what’s the point!?”

Both men and women can give me this blocked and self-limiting message that makes any kind of future feel impossible, however with the right support they can learn there is a way to break-through what they thought was impossible…

…I know because I see it every day.

This week is a perfect example, 12 weeks ago a lady believed that her marriage was over, but this week she no longer wants to leave her husband and can now see a future again?

What she did that was different to most people is she was brave enough to learn and breakthrough her old feelings and beliefs and learn a new truth for her. A truth that was much safer for her to live in. [Read more...]

Number one problem that all couples face – BUT they don’t know!

In today’s post I want to share with you something that is really important if your relationship is struggling or on the edge of divorce.

So week after week I sit with couples in all manner of crisis. Affairs, loss of love, power struggles, communication problems to name a few.

These situations are always complex in terms of how they have been generated, this means the couples are creating their very own unique path to crisis.

What’s simple to see is the trends all couples are doing.

One of my observations is people in or on the road to crisis stop being who they really are when they are with their partner. [Read more...]

“My partner doesn’t want to attend couples counselling – what do I do?”

What do you do when one person is desperate to get professional help and the other person will not go? I know for many this situation is so frustrating because they feel so stuck. 

Far too many people wait until they are on the edge of divorce before they are willing to seek help and this causes them significant stress that could have been avoided.

Fortunately there is a solution to help you be heard…

Before i jump into this post I wanted to give you two pieces of news.

  1. The better relationship program offer ends in 6 days – please hurry I only offer this program twice per year. Click here to attend
  2. I have now opened my home in Oxfordshire for couples to spend time with me in addition to my Harley Street office.

In todays post I thought it might be useful to expand on this topic of a partner blocking attending counselling, because I hear this so many times.

There are many reasons that can sit behind this specific problem. [Read more...]

She said the change was mind-blowing!

Recently I was asked by a psychologist looking to work with me, why do I think I was getting such great results with couples that came to me in terrible crisis?

My answer was simple, I treat every couples problem as totally unique. I then help the individuals to understand themselves and each other in a way that helps two intelligent people decide what they want to do.

What this means is every person and every couple will receive a totally different approach to their problem.

Very often people hesitate to come in to see me in fear of what I might find. My message is people don’t need to be fixed, there is nothing wrong with them. [Read more...]