How Do You Make Changes With Couples So Quickly?

When couples have experienced problems for a long time they get into patterns of thought and patterns of behaviour within their relationship which to them feels normal.

These patterns can be destructive without the person knowing and so what to them is keeping them safe may actually be destroying their relationship.

My job is to understand and break their patterns from destructive to growth orientated.

Pattern interrupts are the core of what works in all therapies. However their method of how to interrupt a persons habitual thought process/patterns  is varied. Some methods take years some take months some take weeks some happen in one session.

How long a person or couple wants to take to make changes is up to them. Some people want the process to take time, some people like months/years of therapy.

What I wanted and has become my life mission was to find a way to help couples quickly, couples in crisis don’t have much time because their relationship is already on the edge of divorce/break-up.

Award Winning Master family therapists and the top coaches in the world have discovered that significant changes does not have to takes years or months it can actually happen in just a few sessions, sometimes it can happen in just one session.

What they discovered is changing the face of how we help individuals and couples to live happier and more fulfilled lives. They changed how I worked and 80% of couples in my practice make significant changes very quickly.

Of course not all couples fixed their relationships (20% on average don’t get fixed), but the reason were simple, when an individual has no desire to change and their partner is the one that has to change for them to feel ok then the couple will continue to struggle. Also some people either have totally different life goals, or they really just are incompatible. So in some cases separation is the right move.

The core goal is not to fix the relationship at any cost. Happiness and fulfilment has to be the ultimate result, together or apart.

The process to create change is very simple

Firstly the person has to want to make changes. You cannot force a person to want to change.

People are usually focused to make changes when the threshold of pain becomes too much and they feel they have no choice.

Many couples in crisis give up with each other replacing love with resentment and a lack of respect.

When they come for sessions with me I help them understand there is more they can do to rebuild their relationship than they have been aware of.  I help them understand the differences between the sexes the importance of core needs and values. How to grow together and work as a team when problems strike their relationship.

This helps the couple to understand that maybe there is hope because this a new approach that will actually meets their core needs and help them to be successful.

The next step is to interrupt the patterns that have destroyed their relationship and replaced those patterns with something far more appealing that meets their needs at the deepest levels.

For example: A man may be driven by significance. When they argue he feels he is significant when he is always right, this works for him in his career. His intent and desire is to feel important and strong for her. I help him see that trying to win arguments actually makes him insignificant in her eyes because she feels bullied and controlled not loved.

If he was to look after her in the way she really needed then she would stop at nothing to help him feel strong and important as the real man in her life.

Simple changes massive results for them both…

Enough is Enough!

Could today be the day when you say, Enough Is Enough! That day happened to me. I was sat in a marketing  job, bored of trying to help companies sell stuff to people who were really not interested in buying them.

As I day dreamed of a different life, my thoughts usually went to those people who really make a difference in society people like firefighters, nurses, surgeons, soldiers and police officers. For me they are wonderful they really do make an amazing difference and most are so under appreciated. [Read more...]

We all want passionate lasting relationships so why do so many couples struggle?

I want to say that I really do feel for all couples that are struggling to make their relationship work, it is one of the hardest places to be. I know because I too was once in this place, lost, frustrated and angry.

Why could I not make them work for me? I was young and had a lot to learn, in fact the pain was so great that I made understanding relationships my life purpose so I could help others avoid what I had gone through.

Because I know personally the pain that couples go through from my own experiences my biggest pleasure today is helping couples understand their truth. Some couples should not be together, but many are struggling not because they are wrong for each other, but because they are missing some key information. [Read more...]

My Wife is Aggressive what do I do?

If you find yourself in this situation firstly understand there is a really good reason behind it. So understanding what to do will create a significant impact on the relationship.

There are two forms of aggression, one which is verbal the other is phyisical violence. The one we are looking at today is verbal agression only.

If your wife becomes verbally aggressive she is trying to get a message through to you. It has become more aggressive because she feels that you have not understood her and so she is escalating her message hoping you will understand. [Read more...]

We all want passionate lasting relationships so why do so many couples struggle?

I want to say that I really do feel for all couples that are struggling to make their relationship work, it is one of the hardest places to be. I know because I too was once in this place, lost, frustrated, angry why could I not make them work for me?

Because I know personally the pain that couples go through from my own experiences my biggest pleasure today is helping couples understand their truth. Some couple should not be together, but many are struggling not because they are wrong for each other, but because they are missing some key information.

What if just a few things make 80% of the difference for couples. What if all couples could quickly learn those critical steps they could take?

Most couples put so much effort into dating each other and have no idea what works and what doesn’t so they stop doing what works without knowing.

Over the years they practice doing what will ultimately kill their relationship, but they don’t mean to, they don’t know they are doing it.

Couples can assume the wrong things about each other for years.

If couples were really aware of the massive differences between male and female their perspective on their relationship and how they respond to each other would change in an instant.

But of course the differences between the sexes is just a part of the mix for success.

  • Growing from conflict
  • Planning a life together
  • Building lasting trust
  • Meeting each other core needs

All this combined with undoing the myths that society hypnotise us all with, plus one key the key to creating a relationship where you can be truly you.

That key is to understand you and what equals happiness for you. How do you create fulfilment for yourself?

If you knew the key to your relationship with yourself then helping others become successful with you would be so much easier.

These are some of the simple steps that couples can take with me to discover their truth with me.

Your relationship is valuable if what you have done so far has not worked please don’t assume it will sort it’s self out with time. Something has to change and the assumption the relationship is wrong could be the wrong one.

Are you a boiled frog?

Many years ago in my 20’s I was told the story of “The Boiled frog”.

If a frog was put into a pan of cold water and that pan was brought to the boil the frog would just sit in the pan and slowly die. But if you dropped the frog into the boiling water it would jump out immediately rejecting this hostile environment.

[This of course is a metaphor for life, so please don’t do this!]

This story had a profound effect on me. It got me thinking am I a boiled frog? Is my life slowly killing me? Am I staying in a life that doesn’t work, or make me happy? [Read more...]

His OCD is Destroying Our Marriage – She was about to leave him with her new baby!

She walked into my session with the biggest smile, she was ready to learn more about herself. This was a very different version of her that I had met just three weeks earlier, so I was naturally curious about what had changed for her.

Three weeks ago she came to a session with her husband, she told me she was about to leave him. She didn’t want to go, but for her, life with her new baby a 10 month old had become unbearable and this was because of his OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) behaviour. [Read more...]

Releasing The Power That Creates Change in Your Life

Everyone has the power to create change. Change is possible if the person understands how to move from a reactive state of mind to a pro-active state of mind.

Pro-active states will put the person back in control of their life moving them with confidence towards what they want.

A reactive state in contrast will be the person trying to move away from what they don’t want. Unfortunately to move away from what they don’t want they have to be focused on it. This constant focus on the negative aspect of their life keeps the person stuck attached to their fear. [Read more...]

Learn how to listen to those you love?

Statistically a great many of people come for help because their lines of effective communication have broken down. They become almost stuck in the same old patterns of communication going round in circles…

It’s critical to understand your partners’ message when they speak, because if you don’t understand them, what can happen is you could misunderstand their message to you.

This can change your behaviours and that could change your future.

So the first step is to never assume you know what they mean, if they complain to you because the way you have taken their message is wrong, the chances are they are right, after all they knew their intent and motivation to communicate to you. [Read more...]

Is there a lack of Honesty in Your Relationship?

Couples in trouble usually end up with more words that are unspoken in the relationship than spoken. This lack of honesty about each others true feelings causes problems. Of course the reason they don’t speak is because they have stopped seeing the point, or don’t see it as the solution.

So now they can only be honest to friends, family, children and this hurts the relationship and so resentment starts to grow.

Honesty is a powerful word sometimes linked to trust. Most of us would agree that we want honesty in our relationships. It is a key factor in building successful relationships.

When honesty and trust are mentioned many people go to thoughts of affairs, or not being able to trust your partner with members of the opposite sex.

Whilst this is true the words trust and honesty are much broader in meaning and power.

For example: I discover in sessions that many women are not communicating the truth of how they feel to their partner through fear of their partner leaving them. This is one of many combinations couples experience.

This lack of honesty will create a conflict within them and so they change how they behave without knowing. They become unhappy due to this conflict and as a result they pull away to protect themselves and their partner feels it. [Read more...]

Living the Life You Were Born to Live

Have you ever wondered who you really are? Have you wondered what your life purpose is? Do you feel lost unsure of your direction in life? Maybe you feel your relationship never feels right? Do you notice you are focused on what’s wrong a lot of the time? Or maybe you are avoiding doing things because you are fearful you will get hurt? May be you feel you have to control your outside world so you can feel ok?

If this is you then this is important to know and could change your life…

If you wanted to discover the cure to many of your life problems starting at understanding the immense power of your own values would be a wonderful beginning to a successful life in control of your direction and what happens to you.

Values are the foundation of your emotional life, in other words how you focus and experience the world. If you are not aware of what they are and how they are set-up and working within you, you may find your emotions run you.

Most people are in this place, they live in reaction to their world always moving away from painful feelings, constantly focused internally, going round-and-round in their minds looking for solutions never finding answers. They end up living in smaller and smaller worlds in their quest to control their fears.

The transformation I see clients go through when they understand their values is remarkable, the more extreme their problem the bigger the change they feel. [Read more...]

Life Lessons: Bullying & Controlling

This story I am about to share is an amazing example of where we learn our life lessons and how we automatically react to others when they give us pain. What do our instincts tell us to do and what actually works.

My son had a significant life challenge, he had suddenly become the target of school bullies at 12 years old. Physically smaller than many of the other boys he felt vulnerable and powerless to do anything. This was terrifying time for him!

I knew for him he was about to learn an important lesson…

The school has a policy that all bullying has to be reported. So following these rules he reported them. The school instantly punished the bullies and called my wife and I to explain their plan.

The challenge now is that as the bullies were punished my son became more of a target. [Read more...]

Why is our Relationship Failing

This is important to know…

After years of working with couples some interesting behaviours emerge from the couples as certain understandings start to emerge for them.

When a couple are in crisis what happens is they turn up to sessions full of fear.

Some are fearful because their future has disappeared. Some are fearful because of what they have done. Some fear that there is something wrong with them and it will come out in the session.

What’s really interesting is how these fears start to fade as the sessions progress and they start to change their outlook and what they want.

You see the couple start to feel much happier as soon as they start to understand WHY!

Why are we in this mess?

  • Why did he/she have an affair?
  • Why did our sex life disappear?
  • Why do we argue so much yet we love each other?
  • Why do I become so possessive?
  • Why am I depressed?
  • Why is he so stressed?

Once the individuals understand WHY then they start to relax and feel better. What many people do is try to make their own thoughts fit what’s happened and it’s very easy to be wrong and make the wrong decision, hurting themselves and each other.

Even if they turned up to sessions passionately wanting the relationship to work and clearly discovering that not going to happen. As long as they know WHY they feel they can deal with anything.

What’s great about this new internal state of a calmer self is if the relationship can be saved it is far more likely with this new understanding.

The couple now know what’s happened and their part in the process of destruction. What’s great about this is the couple can clearly see what has to change and this time they are in control.

Understanding why and taking control has a huge impact on the individuals and the dynamics in the couple to move from destruction to growth.

This can happen fast, I have seen many couple shift really fast once they create this new understanding of…

…your relationship has failed because…

This is why I believe that relationship education is a critical component in the process of helping couples rebuild their relationships. Most couple through no fault of their own are in terrible trouble, and they don’t know WHY!

This brings heightened emotions and fears what’s important to know is it doesn’t have to be this way.

How to Create Goals You Will Stick to in 2012

Now the New Year is upon us we usually start to think about what we are going to achieve.

Weight loss is usually the big one especially after Christmas, but what is going to make a difference to you? And if you do decide to go for a goal, how long do you think you will stick at it for?

The only goals that really stick are the ones that we get emotionally involved with so when will do fall off the path to our goal there is enough motivation to put us back on track until our new actions just become a part of our lives.

Here is a quick list I use:

  1. What do you want to achieve and why?
  2. How will you know when you have it?
  3. Is the goal possible?
  4. What resources are needed to achieve the goal?
  5. When and where will you have this resource?
  6. What are the advantages of making this change?
  7. What are the disadvantages of making this change?
  8. What will achieving this lose you?
  9. Which of your values be fulfilled by achieving this outcome? – Critical
  10. What’s important to you about getting this?
  11. What will this outcome help you avoid experiencing?
  12. What is the benefit of this outcome?

So whether your goal is to lose weight, meet someone new, improve you relationship, make more money, whatever it is make sure you have powerful motivation behind the passion today to improve your life in 2012.

So what are your exciting goals for 2012?

Wishing You A Wonderful Christmas

To those of you I have had the privilege to meet and to those I have yet to meet I want to wish you and your families a wonderful Christmas and a New Year that’s full of all you desire!

As this year comes to a close and we all reflect on what’s happened, I wonder where your mind takes you. I wonder if this year 2011 has been your year, or maybe you plan for 2012 to be your new start.

Whatever journey you are on, setting yourself up to win will be my focus for all my readers in 2012.

So what do you want to change when you enter 2012?

What has to change in 2012 for you?

Let’s plan to make 2012 the best year yet…

So as you start to wind down easy in the knowledge that the plan for the New Year is to Plan For Success, safe in this knowledge, you can now turn your mind to a time to rest, to recharge, to love those you love and to give to those you care for.

For now the plan can wait…

My very best wishes to you all

Stephen Hedger

Human Behaviour Secrets: The Pattern Interrupt!

As she walked into the room I could see the deep sadness on her face, she sat down and started to cry instantly, looking for the tissues I noticed that the box was empty.

I’m sorry the session has not started yet!” I said standing up!

She instantly stopped crying! What I did was to interrupt her pattern of focus on her sadness, in a fraction of a second switched her focus from her internal sadness to me in her external world and her crying stopped!

Pattern interrupts are powerful!

I have used them to help clients who are planning suicide to connect with resources within themselves they will not be aware of in their moments of deep despair.

As I watch the person go into deep misery, I use shocking language to break their habitual pattern of misery and replace it with a smile. Their smile is unexpected and so they learn that their pattern can be changed very quickly.

What are patterns?

Our patterns of behaviour are what we habitually do! So if a person has learnt how to focus on sadness or depression over the years then interrupting that pattern for them would be useful to aid their recovery.

Patterns can be learnt at any time in a persons’ life many patterns have come from childhood. For example when adults become angry you can almost see them acting like a child. In fact this is true their anger pattern was created when they were a child and is being triggered by an event.

This is why whatever we have experienced in the past will have a significant bearing on the persons future.

So how can we use pattern interrupts to help our relationships?

The most obvious one is humour, in essence creating an unexpected change of focus to engage positive resources to the benefit to the person whose destructive pattern you wish to change.

I use pattern interrupts all the time in sessions to help individuals with the thought patterns they have use for years that hurt them without knowing leading them to…

  • Stress
  • Depression
  • Anger
  • Frustration
  • Sadness
  • Self Pity

Can you see patterns in your family, how could you help them break their patterns?

What Have You Been Doing Without Knowing To Make Your Life Worse?

I know many will ignore this, but for you, I hope you take your time to understand the magnitude of what you are about to read so next year can really be the way you want it.

As 2011 draws to a close I wonder as you reflect on this year what has been your primary focus. I wonder what you have spent most of your time directing your mind to. It’s important to understand this because it’s why your life is the way it is now. If you’re not happy with what you’ve got then clearly a change has to be on the cards for you!

In this post today I will share with you what I believe to be one of the most important messages you will ever receive

Take a moment to think: What have you been feeling and thinking about this year and why?

Most people have problems of some kind, but what’s interesting is because the problem becomes their focus, all the persons’ energy is directed towards the problem. [Read more...]

Couples With Problems Want Fast Results Help And Direction!

What’s interesting about the couples I see is they really only have to do a few key things to make a massive difference with each other combined with a little nudge from me…

These few key things make up about 80% of what’s really important/critical.

I wonder how your relationship would be different if you knew about these few key things and applied them?

This couple did and this is their result…

…We couldn’t believe that in one two hour session so much could change. My husband learnt what to do when I became upset, he felt important in our relationship for the first time in years and I felt so much safer with him. Stephen also worked on my depression of 9 years in that same session and it just went. I even had a little panic when I tried to get my depression back and couldn’t.

We are so excited about each other and our lives again!

There were a few things that were amazing about this couple. Firstly despite their frustration with each other they were eager to learn. They wanted to fix this but were clear very frustrated with each other.

He had no idea how to make her happy and was giving up, and she was too depressed to respond to any good deed which further renforced to him she could never change and he could never make her happy.

She also repeated the same message to him over and over hoping in vain he would understand her and of course he didn’t.

Now I had a big challenge. I could see they were on the edge and I knew her depression of 9+ years was going to hamper our effort to rebuild the trust in the relationship and with no trust their wasn’t going to be growth.

Of their first two hour session, I had to understand their story and teach them how to understand why it had gone wrong and give them the plan rebuild the trust, understand the importance of meeting each others needs  before igniting the passion and then create goals for the future.

He couldn’t be succesful whilst she was this depressed…

So I had 40 minutes left to rid her of this depression. I told her this was my plan and she agreed to go for it.

After 40 minutes of very fast intensive work she stood standing facing me after a rollercoaster of emotions, tears, shock, laughter, she went through it all. Her pale worried face had now been replaced with a healthy glow and a confident smile.

Seeing the massive change in her I asked her to turn to face her husband, as she turned and look straight at him, in an instant he broke down. I rushed across the room just to check his tears were relief, they were!

The following week

I had a good feeling her change was going to stay by the way she responded to the session however I waited to see them a week later.

They walked in to my session all smiles and upbeat, always a good sign in my world.

She told me that after the session she had experienced minor panic attacks. What was interesting is her attacks were because she was so used to being depressed, when she couldn’t get depressed she felt lost, amazing! Of course this desire to become depressed was short lived and she embraced the new calmer her and so did her husband.

What he did was grab the opportunity to give her what she needed,  through his strength he met his own core needs and hers. She explained how through the changes we had put in place he was becoming far more attractive to her and he felt in a position of power in a caring loving way.

The attraction was returning and the trust had been rebuilt.

  • If this has stuck a cord with you and you would like to find
    out how Stephen can help you please get in touch today.

What they don’t tell you that you probably need to know!

Are there some fundamentals of life that never get taught? Is there some key knowledge that we all really need to know? What if when we were growing up we have been fed the wrong information, or not been guided in a way that serves us. Did your parents really know how to help you understand how you work, or did they guess?

The chances are they were lost too, so they run their lives on feelings and this is how the trouble begins…

What has to happen before you can feel good?

Many people who find they are unhappy with their life will try to change their external world to help them to feel better. The world has taught them this is how to be successful. The problem is this type of control is short lived and doesn’t work…

For example: Some buy stuff to feel good in the moment. Some people change their appearance with a new hair style, or a new dress even to the extreme of plastic surgery. All of these actions do have an instant feel good factor, but it doesn’t last.

We are conditioned to live in reaction

We all like to feel that we are the controllers of us, but this is so far from the truth, we are governed by our pasts and what information that past has fed us. Question yourself now, I know your parents wanted the best for you, but through their teachings they also passed on to you their limiting beliefs which helped to build the fears you have today.

How would it feel if you no longer had to live in reaction to your world. What if you no longer needed to rearrange your world and those in it for you to be OK?

A example of rearranging your world

A lady with a relationship challenge: She doesn’t get the love she needs from her husband and so she consistently goes to get love from her children. This without her knowing, puts pressure on the children and puts her in conflict with herself and with her relationship. She causes further problems as she withholds love to punish her selfish unloving partner.

Firstly her punishment is conditioning from her past. Society teaches us that if someone does us a wrong we punish them. unfortunately punishment does not create love or growth and so the relationship is being weakened each time it happens.

Her punishment comes from her fears that life is not going to be the way it should be.

As a child she would have created coping strategies when life felt wrong and so she will punish, but she could do it in many ways possibility following her parents limiting patterns of behaviour. I.E. Anger, depression, escape, violence, etc…

We are also conditioned to believe that we are qualified to judge each others behaviours of course for the analysis to be correct you would have to be that person which you are not. This incorrect belief gives us more permission to punish.

Also she would have created fears growing up and these fear are driving her to be in conflict with her true self.

She in this place feels disconnected with her true self and he feels she has changed.

She has changed she has a new purpose based on these fears. Instead of love, contribution and growth she has automatically gone to protection and possibly escape. This limits her from being who she truly is.

The change is core within her, when asked if love is important some of the time or all of the time? She answers all the time. So we can clearly see, if love is important all the time, then when she pulls it away to punish her partner she is in conflict with herself.

The being in conflict with ourselves can cause depression.

Has Your Partner Become Your Enemy

How is it that two people who once were so in love can get to the point where their partner starts to feels like their enemy. Do you feel your partner is your enemy, or do you treat them as if they are?

If the couples needs are not met then resentment can creep into the relationship.

They start to feel bad and so in response they try to rebalance the relationship through controlling behaviour.

What usually happens in this state one or both people can start to make the relationship all about them. When anyone starts to behave this way in their relationship and it starts to become their normal behaviour then the relationship is going to struggle to last.

So this needs to change if you want to keep your relationship.

If your partner is making the relationship all about them, the chances are they are in a fear state, if you are controlling maybe you get angry or frustrated at your partner then you are in fear too.

One of the most common situations I see that causes many problems is when the man becomes fearful, which he displays through anger, frustration, shutting down or uses coping strategies such as alcohol.

When the man does this the woman has to become stronger to cope with this weaker behaviour from him.

The man in this place can view the woman to be hard, harsh, non-caring, the reality is he has pushed her to this place. The way he can break through and save his relationship is to help her feel more secure through love and understanding.

This what she really wants, if she feels like she has to be the man in the relationship he starts to become pointless to her.

She can love him in this place, but she no longer sees him as a sexual partner. He becomes more like one of her children and this is when she really starts to look down on him, he feels that there is no hope, he has no idea how to please her.

Many relationship fail through this lack of understanding of how to get back how you were when you first met.

If this is happening for you get in touch because it’s not difficult to correct.