Love alone is not enough

One of the major challenges most individuals face in their relationships is understanding how to become truly valuable to their partner so their partner will feel magnetised to love them forever.

I have a huge amount of empathy for anyone in a relationship that’s not working, because I know personally how emotionally painful/confusing it is to be in this place.

I was not born understanding relationships, however I did have one philosophy that gave me a head start and the momentum to be where I am today. I understood that the most valuable part of our existence on this planet was our relationship with someone special. [Read more...]

How to solve impossible marriage problems

If you are feeling your marriage problems are impossible to solve this post is for you.

When a couple come to me for help, they are going to both share a story of their relationship. Each person will have a different story about the same relationship, with different perspectives of the same event(s).

Both people are likely to have attached pain to their story. They have usually been feeling this way for a while and want the suffering to stop.

My job within their process is to help them understand their core problem(s).

Couples will be experiencing problems that become their focus, such as conflict, affairs, communication breakdown, power struggles to name a few. [Read more...]

What really causes a person to want to leave their relationship?

If you were wanting to save your relationship then the answer to this question is potentially gold, and the answer is not what you think. If you are thinking of leaving your relationship then this may help you understand what is happening to you.

Leaving a relationship is a big life changing step and so it’s important to understand what’s really going on to make sure the emotional distress is not creating a fog that could lead to a permanent mistake.

To be clear I agree certain couples shouldn’t be together, however far too many couples are splitting up because they are unaware of what you are about to read. [Read more...]

Relationship problems? This is critical to know…

Today I’m going to share how one woman reconnected with her trouble teenage daughter, why a woman chose not to leave her husband and what these two stories have in common that will be affecting everyone’s relationship right now.

  • If your partners needs are different from yours and you don’t know what those differences are, how difficult would it be to connect to each other?
  • What if your partners primary needs change as they go through different life stages how confusing would that be?
  • What if a person needs are not being met, they don’t know what their needs are, or how to share them?
  • What if a person expects their partner to know what they need because they assume their partner has the exact same needs as them?

If you want to have a meaningful connection with anyone in your family then understanding and respecting what they need is critical to maintain a connection that works. [Read more...]

An unexpected journey

 

Written By Ben Caesar 

I first met Stephen in the summer of 2015 at a time when my life had become turbulent and my second marriage was failing. Originally, I had intended to attempt to use Stephen’s expertise to help my wife and I to reconcile and work out the problems that had developed during our short marriage. 

We had faced a 6 month period from hell with failed IVF, job loss and the death of a father on a background of ongoing professional exams and my transfer into the regular Army; more than enough life events to test the mettle of any couple’s relationship.

However, for reasons best known to my wife, she couldn’t find it in herself to allow Stephen to help her with our relationship, and so I continued to see Stephen, and something remarkable happened to me as a result. [Read more...]

What really helps to fix marriage problems?

The simple answer to this question is in their patterns of behaviour. Couples can create patterns which can create a negative ping-pong effect in their relationship. Both people can then end up protecting themselves from each other which is disastrous for their future together. If the relationship is to be saved then it’s important to break these patterns and build new ones that are safe for both people.

Of course sharing each others experience through talking about the relationship is important when trying to solve any problem(s).

When the couple understand the truth in their relationship then there is a potential of an intellectual understanding of their situation. [Read more...]

How to move a relationship out of crisis?

If you are in crisis and you want to make a change in your relationship then it’s critical that the process of making that change is understood if you are to be successful.

The most common scenario I see is when one person feels the relationship has died. They have lost their feelings for their partner and do not know how to get their feelings back. Some of course don’t even want to try.

One person is likely to be in a position where they are desperate to save the relationship and they can get very busy trying to stop them leaving.

Individuals panicking to save their relationship will usually notice they are making their fragile situation much worse through taking the wrong actions. The result is they are likely to see their partner become more detached the more they try to keep them in the relationship. Both people can now feel stuck. [Read more...]

Helping a couple to breakthrough their problems and avoid divorce

How is it possible to help a couple in crisis? How can you bring a couple back from the brink of divorce? How is it possible to help that couple even if that couple are convinced there is no way back?

The answer is to change the thinking that lead them both to disaster. But the way they change their thinking has to connect them to their true-selves otherwise the changes cannot be sustained.

The reason couples struggle so much and end up shutting down and seeing divorce as the only option is because they were trying to use the thinking that created their problems to solve their problems.

New understandings about their experience together is the key to new meanings and a safer future together.

Communication is critical in any relationship so couples have to learn how to translate what their partner has really been trying to say. [Read more...]

“How can I trust you if you don’t even try to understand me?”

If a person wants to communicate with someone the only way to do that effectively is to understand them. To be an effective communicator you have to be a good listener you have to understand their world from their perspective. If you don’t do this you are putting your frame of reference on their words, this process changes the meaning of their words and this disconnects trust between them and you.

Many couples fight about what was said or not said, in the moment they are translating each others words through a filter of fear (BTW anger is a fear response) and so this changes what they thought the other person said, or the meaning behind their partners words.

The more couples go round in circles not understanding each other the faster they shut down into a transactional relationship as an emotional connection is not safe for either person. [Read more...]

“You are not alone…”

In todays post we will be exploring why so many people struggle in certain areas of their lives and what they have to start to focus on to make successful changes. If you are struggling please know you are not alone.

To become successful we have to understand certain critical factors, one of which I will talk about today.

For humans to understand the world we live in we have to create internal maps. The maps we create help us navigate our world. The more we explore the world the more comprehensive the maps will become.

For example: You will have a map of how to get from your bed to the kitchen to make a drink in the morning. A heart surgeon will have a map of how to successfully replace a persons heart with a new one. Like the surgeon if you have studied you will have mastered a map in your profession. [Read more...]

Did you know that ONE person with the right information can actually save their relationship?

Here’s how: Most people think that to save a relationship it has to take two people to work at it and it’s impossible to be successful alone. This is not true because if one person changes their own behaviour in a very specific way their partner will automatically react to that change without realising.

You see we are all conditioned to live in reaction to the world we live in so making changes will create automatic change.

An example: When a person reacts with anger to a situation they don’t like in their relationship this will create an automatic reaction in their partner, usually something like retaliation, defence or escape type behaviours. The result in this situation is no growth, loss of trust and bad attachment to their partner. So not good at all, especially if becomes a habit.  [Read more...]

Can one person save a marriage from divorce?

When a person makes changes in themselves they affect how the other person responds. If the changes help their partner to feel secure, loved and wanted in the way they need, then a change in the marriage is totally possible.

The challenge is most people don’t understand their partners well enough to support them in the way they need, so their partner can become angry at their attempts and so they give up assuming there is no hope and this is not true.

All people really want is to feel they are loved for who they are and to know there is a real desire from their partners to meet their needs. In other words they need to feel like the most important person in their partners life.

So if one person takes charge and takes steps to learn about their partner, their partner will in reaction have to respond to these new changes.

The question I ask my clients is “who do you have to become to attract the relationship you desire?”  [Read more...]

Does your partner want a divorce and you want to save your marriage?

If your partner wants a divorce and you don’t agree it’s the right solution to your problems it’s critical to understand what has brought them to this point.

In terms of behaviour and communication the following will be impacting them:

  • They are likely to communicate a loss of feelings, such as a loss of love.
  • They will have lost trust in their future happiness in the relationship.
  • They will have lost respect for their partner.
  • They will have shifted their actions to be all focused on themselves.
  • You may feel that you are living with a totally different person.

You may notice a total change in their behaviours i.e. wanting to spend more time with their friends, work, children or interests.

All their behaviours will be designed to move them away from their pain and towards what will give them small bites of pleasure.

It’s likely that a person wanting a divorce will create a story that will justify why leaving the relationship is a good idea. [Read more...]

What were you thinking?

Here is what I discovered about life that we don’t get taught at any school. Today I’m going to take a deeper look into why so many people struggle with their relationships and lives. This could be what you are looking for…

It’s so easy to do what will make us successful, but it’s also so easy to do what will cause us problems.

You see lots of decisions can put you on a path of success, or failure. The problem is we have been conditioned that if it doesn’t affect us today, then why worry or take action.

The path to success, or not, is created through our philosophies, our thinking.  [Read more...]

How To Save Your Marriage Alone!

If you want your marriage to work and your partner won’t seek help what do you do? This post is about how to save your marriage alone.

How you can make a difference in your relationship even if your partner doesn’t want to try?

The starting point is this: You have to know it is possible to save your marriage on your own, but you’re going to have to make some changes in the way you listen, understand your partner and how you behave. [Read more...]

The Tipping Point

If a relationship problem has not been resolved in the way the person needs, it becomes an unresolved problem for that person.

If the person continues to experience problems in the relationship then the unresolved problems start to stack up.

If the stacking of the unresolved problems becomes bigger than the stacking of the pleasurable feelings, then a person will hit a tipping point. This point is where they stop contributing to the relationship in they way they would if they were happy. [Read more...]

Appreciate me for who I am

If you’re in a relationship and you feel that you can’t be you, you won’t feel happy and over time you could start to feel that life doesn’t feel right for you.

Are you the person who has to tread on eggshells, who has to hold on to how they really feel, or who picks and complains, but hates themselves for it?

If you find that you have changed to cope with your relationship then maybe now’s the time to reflect on what you want your life/relationship to be like. [Read more...]

If you’re willing to change your thinking you can change your life

If you are not getting results in your life that you want then it’s a great idea to ask why?

The easy route is to put blame on external factors, my partner is not right for me, I don’t have enough money, I’m too fat, too thin, too old.

The challenge with this approach is it changes nothing, it keeps the person stuck and increasingly resentful that life is not what it should be.

This can lead the person to settle that this is just how life is, this makes them vulnerable and so they have to rebalance their world which could lead them to become hard and bitter over time. [Read more...]

I do give but I get nothing back?

You are impossible...

When a person feels that they put lots of effort into their relationship and they end up getting very little to nothing back, this can and will cause pain in their relationship.

Many couples come into sessions with this exact complaint.

What’s even more frustrating is when one person does feel they are giving, but their partner communicates,

“What do you give me? I get nothing” or “I know you love me but I don’t feel it”

Many couples are in this space and there is a simple reason behind it. [Read more...]

The internal fight within us breaks relationships we actually want to keep

I agree that many of you may find some of what I teach to build successful relationships goes against the grain of what you have believed and have been taught historically.

Putting your partner first, not making them wrong, giving love unconditionally can seem impossible but….

…is the challenge you face to protect what you have always done, or is it to discover new ways grow the passion back into your relationship? [Read more...]