How Do You Make Changes With Couples So Quickly?

When couples have experienced problems for a long time they get into patterns of thought and patterns of behaviour within their relationship which to them feels normal.

These patterns can be destructive without the person knowing and so what to them is keeping them safe may actually be destroying their relationship.

My job is to understand and break their patterns from destructive to growth orientated.

Pattern interrupts are the core of what works in all therapies. However their method of how to interrupt a persons habitual thought process/patterns  is varied. Some methods take years some take months some take weeks some happen in one session.

How long a person or couple wants to take to make changes is up to them. Some people want the process to take time, some people like months/years of therapy.

What I wanted and has become my life mission was to find a way to help couples quickly, couples in crisis don’t have much time because their relationship is already on the edge of divorce/break-up.

Award Winning Master family therapists and the top coaches in the world have discovered that significant changes does not have to takes years or months it can actually happen in just a few sessions, sometimes it can happen in just one session.

What they discovered is changing the face of how we help individuals and couples to live happier and more fulfilled lives. They changed how I worked and 80% of couples in my practice make significant changes very quickly.

Of course not all couples fixed their relationships (20% on average don’t get fixed), but the reason were simple, when an individual has no desire to change and their partner is the one that has to change for them to feel ok then the couple will continue to struggle. Also some people either have totally different life goals, or they really just are incompatible. So in some cases separation is the right move.

The core goal is not to fix the relationship at any cost. Happiness and fulfilment has to be the ultimate result, together or apart.

The process to create change is very simple

Firstly the person has to want to make changes. You cannot force a person to want to change.

People are usually focused to make changes when the threshold of pain becomes too much and they feel they have no choice.

Many couples in crisis give up with each other replacing love with resentment and a lack of respect.

When they come for sessions with me I help them understand there is more they can do to rebuild their relationship than they have been aware of.  I help them understand the differences between the sexes the importance of core needs and values. How to grow together and work as a team when problems strike their relationship.

This helps the couple to understand that maybe there is hope because this a new approach that will actually meets their core needs and help them to be successful.

The next step is to interrupt the patterns that have destroyed their relationship and replaced those patterns with something far more appealing that meets their needs at the deepest levels.

For example: A man may be driven by significance. When they argue he feels he is significant when he is always right, this works for him in his career. His intent and desire is to feel important and strong for her. I help him see that trying to win arguments actually makes him insignificant in her eyes because she feels bullied and controlled not loved.

If he was to look after her in the way she really needed then she would stop at nothing to help him feel strong and important as the real man in her life.

Simple changes massive results for them both…

The Secret to Taking Charge of Your Life Today!

Today I’m going to share with you one of the most profound distinctions i discovered when learning about how to build a successful life. My question was how do we take control of what happen to our lives, what’s the foundation to building a successful relationship, becoming successful in our careers and discovering our true purpose in life.

The answer I discovered is we need to make it our mission to master our understanding of our own internal worlds.

We are conditioned to believe and accept that our outside world is the driver for what we become and what happens in our lives.

This is an illusion that keeps us stuck, because if we feel our outside world has the power to help us feel a certain way then we are powerless within it. I will explain why… [Read more...]

The Foundations For A Successful Relationship

Fulfilling relationships are born from the knowledge of what has to happen for you to create your journey of success together. If that knowledge then forms your focus and your actions it will then become a part of who you are.

Your relationship then has a chance of growth through contribution of what really works.

The two individuals in the relationship are the foundations that support the relationship and so if the foundations are weak then the relationship either will suffer or cannot survive. [Read more...]

Are those around you changing without you knowing?

It’s important to watch this video all the way through.

The reason for sharing this is because what if you are missing what’s really happening in your relationship, your life, in your children. Is it possible that you are so wrapped up with your own focus of attention you are missing changes which could be affecting your life.

Are you living consciously, are you seeing what’s happening right before your eyes? Lets find out!

What Are You Doing To Save Your Relationship?

When a couples relationship hits problems the first person they blame is usually their partner. They look to their partner to make changes that will help them to be happy.

This usually helps the couple enter into a tit-for-tat blame game, as each person blames the other for the poor state of the relationship.

“…if you never said X, then I would have never have done Y, so clearly you are the cause” This type of exchange is very common, BUT the question is where is the growth in this exchange?

Unless the couple are creating growth in their communication the only way the relationship is heading is down.

So if you blame your partner then this puts you in a vulnerable situation.

What would happen if you took a long hard look at YOU. What could you do or change, to make your relationship better. This simple refocus would put you back in control taking action to save a relationship or marriage that you probably really want to save.

So take a moment what could you do?

What could you change about you that would save your relationship? You might just discover the compound effect of lots of little things can make a massive difference.

Why is it so difficult for couples to fix their relationship problems?

What I’m going to share today is critical to understand if you want to make lasting changes in your relationship. I have not spoken about this before on this blog so it’s important to understand.

Very few couples do this automatically and this is one of the major factors to why there are so many single parents, broken families, affairs, separations and divorces.

By understanding and helping couples understand what is important to know in their relationship  is one of the key factors to the success in all my relationship clinics.

If you have been following my posts you will have learnt that couples “presenting problems” such as arguments, loss of passion, lack of trust, etc, are not the real problems in a couples relationship. Although with no other logical knowledge this will be their incorrect assumption. [Read more...]

How Many Sessions Will I Need To Have?

This is one of the most frequent questions I get asked, this is where the concern in the mind of the individual is usually a concern of time or money.

Both of which are valuable to us all…

The usual amount of sessions to get desired results is between 4 – 12 sessions. I been know to sort a problem in one session, but because the clients is not confident with the speed of their change they carry on coming. I see a lot of clients quickly because I know people have busy lives and months of weekly sessions is not ideal, especially when your relationship is on the line.

If I do see clients for longer this is because their crisis problems are sorted and what they want is help with planning their future.
99% of my clients make the necessary changes within 4-12 sessions that time, there are some clients which go slightly over… [Read more...]

Relationship Master Skill SEVEN of SEVEN

Breaking the patterns that don’t work for YOU & YOUR RELATIONSHIP: Many couples across the world are all running patterns that are creating their futures without them knowing. Most people are unaware of these patterns and live their lives which, to them feel normal. The way they think, behave, speak everything is derived from learnt patterns.

These patterns take hold when people are growing and learning at the fastest rate. These changes happen in emotionally charged events and when we are growing up. You have heard the expressing children are like sponges.

Children don’t just take in information they take in everything, and so whatever the world is presenting to them, with no other bench mark to hand, this for them will be their normality.

It is very likely that the children will model their parents behaviours as the way to run their relationships in the future. Boys linking to in the fathers and girls to their mothers. With more and more absent fathers the male role model for children is fast becoming a strong woman designed to cope on her own. [Read more...]

Relationship Master Skill ONE of SEVEN

We all experience the passing of time and notice how our relationships change. Many of us are far too accepting of these changes such as a loss of passion and boredom as the relationship loses it’s spark and you’re left with the daunting thought of year after year together.

These Seven Skills are designed to help you and your partner stop contributing towards a stale relationship where resentment and a lack of respect grows.

  • DO NOT ACCEPT THIS! Take action starting today.

Being understood…

One of the biggest challenges for any couple is if one or both of you don’t feel understood by the other. What this does is trigger many fears that usually result in one or both people in the relationship pulling love away to protect themselves. [Read more...]

When the chemistry goes and relationships change…

Today we are looking at what happens in most relationships and how to avoid doing the same..

Do you remember when you met your partner and how it was for you? How you felt when you thought of them, how you felt just before you saw them, how life suddenly started to feel different and exciting again.

Do you remember what you did? The chances are you actually did very little, the chemical reaction within you created all the drive you needed to want to do all the things that convinced you and your partner to decide that creating a life together would be amazing.

When couples first meet they usually can’t keep their hands off each other and they create the illusion that this is how life will be. This becomes fact within their minds that they are some how unique and problems only happen in other peoples lives.

But then something changes…

The chemical reaction goes, and the motivation stops you doing everything that worked and fear and problems are now not far away. The couple then start hurting each other as they blame the other for the change. Pulling love away as a means to get back to the euphoria they once felt.

The couple that once put so much effort in to giving, have slowly become takers and this strategy never works.

If you give love to receive love then you are “trading in love” and that never feels good.

The answer is to give love regardless of what others do, you do this because this who you are… “A loving person!”

Defining who you are and living by your own rules and consistently and fearlessly becoming who you are is critical for your happiness. This is the real secret to passionate lasting relationships.

If you create an amazing version of you, that lives your life to your highest standards, you instantly become more attractive and happier.

When fear strikes couples, they pull love away, the couple instantly become unattractive to each other, the reverse of what they really want.

When couples come to me for help, usually blaming each other for their problems, one of my key goals is to build their confidence to be fearless in their quest to be who they really are. Not the distorted unhappy version that fitted in, trying to re-balance the relationship to feel happy again, but never sure quite how to fix it.

Becoming who you really want to be takes courage, but when you do, you’ll feel the spark ignite within you, as you start to create the behaviours that first attracted you both.

You cannot point the finger of blame at your partner if you have not been who you really are too. Stop looking for blame today and start looking for new behaviours that create relationships that grow and ignite passion.

  • Too many people claim to be honest, yet they are not honest with themselves about what they have become in their own relationship.

Can I change my partner?

One of the questions I get asked from individuals wanting help for their relationship is what if my partner will not attend the couples sessions.

This is always a struggle because if the couple want to fix their problems and only one person believes in getting help then how can the help work?

The answer is with the right approach if one person changes their behaviour in a relationship the result is always their partner has no choice but to change in response.

You can try this yourself, change your behaviour at home tonight make a conscious effort to be different, maybe happier, sexier, whatever feels OK to try.

Watch how your partner reacts to you. Of course just behaving happier or sexier will not fix your relationship problems, but it will prove that you have the power to get your partner to react to you when you change your behaviours.

When you see this for yourself you will be left with the question “…what changes can I make today and every day to my own behaviour that will positively impact my relationship?”

Of course every situation is unique and so once I discover what motivates your partner and what could be causing problems then I can help you understand how to make changes in you to make life at home a happy place to live again.

You have more power than you think you have, do the test watch what happens and let us know how you get on…

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you…”

Many couples that come to me with relationship problems usually have one person who is more shut down than the other.

This person is usually in a state of confusion, not sure if they want the relationship or not. They have feelings of love from the past, but right now they are confused because they resent their partner for helping them to feel so miserable.

They have plenty of evidence that on some level their partner cannot be trusted.

Right now all they want to do is escape the pain they feel.

To them breaking up seems like the only option.

No matter what has happen between this couple this relationship can be saved with the right approach.

The hurdles to get over are firstly that what they believe about the relationship and themselves.

Many of them are waiting to feel feelings of love for their partner, but they don’t and so they assume the relationship for them is dead. They feel emotionally shut down at this point.

We have all experienced things that we did not want to do and then afterwards we discovered we actually really enjoyed it.

The gym is a prime example, sex is another, we all put off doing things because we want to feel great about doing them before we do it.

Relationships are no different. The problems is when we first met our partners we did not have to do anything to feel amazing and the explosion of chemicals we felt was automatic.

Nature designed us that way, but even nature can’t keep that intensity going and so the relationship changes and we have to do things to feel great again.

So waiting to feel love after months of battling is unlikely, but if one of you got sane fast and became the best partner you could be first, before you felt what you think you should feel, you just maybe surprised what happens next.

Too many couples use taking love away as a weapon to teach their partner a lesson and all this does is to trigger fear states in each other, the future does not feel secure at all when couple do this.

The faster couples learn that the answers are in giving love, and not in punishment the faster they will receive the love they crave.

Is this you, or do you know a couple that are doing this if so, take action fast.

Your mind is complicated and believing all you think is sometimes dangerous.

What do you have to lose? After all you think the relationship is dead so you can’t lose that, so all you could lose is time.

It’s better to lose a little time than spend a life time regretting what you did from a place of fear which is likely to be where you are.

Next Year Has To Be Better

As we end another year and head into 2011. I have a question for you? What will make the difference for you? If you could change just 3 things what would you change and why?

What would make the biggest difference in your life if just 3 things were to be just the way you want them to be? Take a moment to reflect on what changes you really want to make.

Most people start a new year with a resolution or two that quickly fade mainly because what they promise to themselves they don’t want enough.

If you really want to make changes in your life;

  • What change do you need to make?
  • Is the change possible?
  • How will you know if the change has happened?
  • Why do you need to make the change?
  • If you make the change what will you get?
  • If you make the change what will you lose?
  • Do you have the resources to make the change possible?
  • If not when will you get the resources to enable the change?
  • If you don’t make the changes how will your life be in 1, 2 or 5 years time?

Give yourself good enough reasons to make changes happen and you will get all you desire.

Never settle for a mediocre life, a life rich with all you desire can be yours, all you have to do is be fearless in your quest to attract all that life has waiting for you.

What you get is up to you!

Does Relationship Coaching Work?

Does Relationship Coaching Work? This is question I get asked by many new callers who are interested in coming to coaching sessions with me.

It’s an interesting question because there are many factors involved in the successful outcome of the sessions.

The process that creates the change

  • The first is my total commitment to making change happen for my clients.
  • Someone who does want change to happen, but fears the change, will need a really good reason to making that shift and so leverage is required through understanding the real cost of not changing, whilst moving them towards something far more attractive.
  • The client also has to practice what the sessions teach, so an equal commitment to applying what you learn is also critical to help you change. Whilst the coaching is accelerated learning for the mind, the client has to reinforce the sessions with constructive behaviours taught in the sessions to undo destructive behaviours potentially practised for years.
  • The clients who come to the session and don’t practice what they are taught take longer to change.
  • The clients who are totally committed to changing their lives apply all they learn in the sessions and so shift their perspectives and lives really fast.

Are you ready to change and commit to you?

Any client can make a change really fast, what takes the time is the deciding if it’s really safe to make the change they desire.

Coaching is designed to help the client(s) see their path way to a change, understand the cost of not changing and help them experience what will happen if they set themselves free from their fears. Coaching also helps people experience their fears differently so the fears have a massively reduced impact.

  • Coaching is powerful, emotional, challenging and sometimes confusing as new perspectives on life are built. You will discover more about you than you ever knew before. You’ll discover how you work and how to get the best out of you and those around you.

Coaching pulls no punches because it tells you the truth, but it also supports you every step of the way to a far stronger you, freeing from your own fears.

Still not sure?

For those of you still wondering if you are ready to make the change you know you need to make. Your fears today are an outdated  illusion, they were set-up by your mind to protect you from something in your past, but they are now outdated and instead of rebalancing your life they will only limit you, that’s why you are unhappy today always feeling that something is wrong.

  • Deep inside you, you know that’s true!

I have seen clients who have lived with outdated fear patterns for 50+ years who are now rebuilding their lives and living the life they were born to live, minus the distorted view on their world driven by their fears.

Life Doesn’t Have To Be This Way!

Whatever is affecting your life today, from economic challenges, to relationship problems, from feelings of self-doubt to depression.

If your life is not the way it should be for you then why not? What is wrong for you, what has to change for you to be happy?

A lot of people get stuck in despair, or learnt helplessness that their lives are impossible to change and how it is today is how it will always be, or if they image the next ten years being like the last ten they hold their head in their hands in despair.

What the “Experts” say!

Many experts will tell us that change takes along time, what they neglect to tell you is that it’s the deciding to change is what takes the time, the changes itself can happen in a moment.

  • Maybe this is where you are, are you still deciding to change?

Do you fear change?

Maybe you know you need to make some changes in your life, but you have no idea where to start, or even if it’s possible.

Maybe you are fearful to move towards any changes in your life because what if it doesn’t work, or maybe you are fearful that it will work?

When are you going to hold yourself to a higher standard?

Whatever is stopping from getting the life you want can be changed, but you have to want it enough. You have to want to live your life to a higher standard, you have to want to have the best of life for you, you have to want a life full of passion and adventure.

When are you going to hold yourself to that higher standard? When are you going to say “ENOUGH! I have to commit myself today to the only life I have…RIGHT NOW!

Do not fear how you are going to get this new life or new you, just know that you want it with all your heart and trust your mind to know where to go to get the help or the information to help you.

You are on a journey called life, and so you are in charge! So what do you want your journey to be like and where do you want to go, and most importantly how will you know when you get there?

  • The biggest regret you will have is not being brave enough!

We Have Nothing In Common!

Is our relationship a mistake… I get many letters from individuals that are frustrated with their relationships because they feel that they have nothing in common with each other and so they think they must now be incompatible.

So have they suddenly lost what they had? Did one of the couple suddenly stop liking something they once shared.

  • No, what’s happened is the couple has lost it’s purpose and so the relationship became directionless. All the excitement in the early days such as dating, holidays, weekends away, marriage, houses, babies… and then nothing…!

They stop dating, the sex life starts to die, they feel the passion for each other has left, and every day is becoming predictable and boring and they start to blame each other and the relationship.

They both go to a place of fear where the future not what they imagined where they feel unsafe, unloved, alone. When they go to this place they start to search for proof that all this is true. It’s not long before they find it and so scared they go outside the relationship to get their needs met to protect themselves from this future, not yet ready to leave their partner but prepared for if it happens.

  • When this happens the couple feels distant to each other wondering where the love has gone, now sure they have made a mistake.

Where is your partner going to get their needs met now?

All the things they used to get from the relationship now has to be met outside the relationship if they feel they can’t get what they need from you, of course this works both ways .

  • So if you want excitement, maybe a now night out with the friends is now more exciting than your partner.
  • Maybe you are working more and more, because you feel more valued there than you do at home.
  • Maybe you look for love from your children or you family because you don’t get the love you need from your partner.
  • Maybe you have felt an attraction to others and secretly want to act upon it. Maybe you have acted and now you regret it.

If you are getting what you need outside the relationship then one, or both of you has stopped doing what worked when you first met. It’s not that you have nothing in common, it because both of you have stopped giving each other what you need to be really happy.

When you first met you gave you partner everything they needed without knowing and because you didn’t know what you did that triggered the love the joy the passion you think you did nothing except just be you.

Because you are still just being you, you are confused as to why the relationship is dying and so you must be incompatible.

If you had the chance would you want to make this right again..?

Stephen Hedger helps couples understand what changes will re-ignite their relationship. Most couples don’t know what changed and they fear the future. If they believe their own hype, they can end their relationship even if they have children. If this is you please get in touch click here

What Are You Going To Do Now?

The summer holidays are now coming to a close here in the UK and as you reflect on the past few months and how much has happened for you, what would you do differently if you had the chance.

It’s never too late to start to make changes to your life.

When you look around you now, and you look at everything that is in your life, is this the life that you wanted?

  • If not, why not? What’s missing? How should your life be?

You could be over weight, not have enough money, dating the wrong people, or always fighting with your partner. Whatever you are  doing, or have been practising is what has created where you are today and everything in it, and this is down to the decisions and choices you have made.

If you feel that the world is responsible for what you have not got, or you are just not lucky, or not  intelligent enough, or maybe you have not got the money you need to do what you want, then you are in what we call, learnt helplessness.

Unless you take charge of your life and take 100% responsibility for it, and that includes your relationship(s), then you will always stay where you are, feeling that either you will never be enough or feeling that the world is somehow against you.

If you know that something is not right, then know this, you have the power to change it… TODAY!

Is today the day when you say enough is enough?

What Can Relationship Coaching Do For You?

From Judges to Housewives from Business professionals even to an Ex-Vietnam Soldier, I have helped people from all walks of life make the changes they wanted in their lives.

No matter what challenge you are focused on today, or how impossible it may seem, a change for happiness is always possible. If you believe change is not possible then you will make that true as you direct your actions elsewhere and that will always equal failure.

In coaching with me I will show you how to make powerful changes that last.

How does it work

The way that coaching with me works is we will work together to uncover the truth of what is happening in your life and relationship.

This helps us because from a place of honesty we can plan the steps that will get you from where we know you are today to where you really want to be.

We’ll also uncover what you don’t yet know about you and your partner.

You will get to understand why your situation is the way it is today, and what behaviours and decisions created that direction for you.

We will uncover how you work, in other in other words what is the true key to your happiness and what will keep you down in unhappiness. With this knowledge you will know what to avoid that you don‘t know today.

  • This key part of my sessions opens up a world that clients didn’t even know existed about themselves.

Through all of this you will discover how your behaviours affect others and how to change them not only to help you to be happier, but how to create a far deeper connection than ever before with those you love.

How To Create Lasting Changes

As the coaching progresses and your confidence in how you work grows and your fears start to disappear, I will build in powerful leverage so that you will never consider going back to where you were before and the changes we are making in you are lasting.

Powerful emotions the path to results

Coaching with me as many of my past clients will agree brings out powerful emotions, because coaching challenges core belief systems. Your beliefs, values and rules you have set up without knowing is on some level is going to be hurting you.

Crying, laughing, surprise, anger these are all normal responses to coaching with me that are conducted in a safe non-judgemental 100% confidential and controlled environment. These powerful responses are indication that the coaching is working and proves how alive you really are no matter what’s going happening for you.

Clients also in the beginning experience “confusion”, this is also a great sign because a new map in your mind of how you work is being built, and that soon moves to understanding which builds more confidence, self-esteem.

Coaching tools

During your sessions you will be given specific tools that will help you manage yourself away from the coaching sessions, so you will feel confident on demand, and safe in the knowledge that when you leave coaching with me you will always know what decisions will always equal happiness for you.

Why not discover what coaching can do for you NOW, if your life and relationship just isn’t right, there is going to be a reason and a small shift in either you, or you and your partner can make a massive difference to your future.

Remember no action is a choice too, that will always get you nothing or even more of what you have today!

Make a different choice today… Don’t imagine spending the next 5 years like this…

Call me..!

Why Women Take So Long To Get Ready To Go Out

Women take forever to get ready for everything and frustrated men spend hours of their lives pacing, waiting for them to emerge. Is there a possibility that the men fuel the wait? Relationship coach explains what happens and why.

Have you ever noticed that when your wife/girlfriend is getting ready to go out with you, she will change into many outfits trying to get the look just perfect.

You know that she always looks great, but every time she asks your opinion, no matter what you say she nearly always changes outfits and combinations and colours, bags and shoes, hair up or down. Too much flesh or not enough.

Whilst the combination to the perfect outfit is being deciphered you know you’re going to be late. You can feel yourself becoming agitated and even though she knows this, she still keeps changing more and more.

The changing becomes accelerated the more you say you like it and the later you become.

So! What starts off as a fun evening out is now a night filled with tension.

Here is the deal guys: It’s your behaviour that made her late and I’ll tell you why.

What she looks like is not the key to speeding things along. What’s important to her is how she feels about how she looks, that is the secret.

So if she asks you what looks better the red shoes, or the black ones? If you tell her the red ones are the best, you are slowing her down, or if you say the black ones are best you are still slowing her down.

Confused!? This is why… This is your lesson gentlemen!

By making a choice of just red or black, does not help her to feel anything. She has to feel some thing good before she can make a decision and so she starts to feel confused.

Confusion helps her to feel worse, combined with thoughts that you don‘t care about how she looks. This is proved by your lack of interest and anger at her for wanting to look beautiful for you. So maybe this could be an underlying  relationship problem. Now she’s really driven to look really amazing which is going to take much longer for her to achieve.

Do you see what you did…! You put the foundations of the relationship into question.

Here is what you should have said: But take your time and have a really good look, she will notice if your attention is not on her.

  • “The red ones are best because they make your legs look a lovely shape and that really shows off your figure.”

Or

  • “I love you in the red shoes because it reminds me of our second date in Oxford.”

Or

  • “I have always loved your legs and the red ones make them look amazing because they look so long and sexy!”

NOW She knows that she has your total attention, and now she trusts that you love her enough to want her to feel good about herself. You share in her priority which is to look and feel good. Now she can relax knowing that she has achieved what she wants and she has feeling of security with you too.

Remember she would rather turn up late looking amazing than on time feeling that she looks a wreck. In fact if she doesn’t feel good about herself, then she may not go out at all, because her evening would make her feel awful about herself and a whole evening of that is far too painful to entertain.

The word “because” is a powerful word for her here and the evening is likely to be now one that you’ll love too, because now she feels slim and sexy and she has attached those feeling to you.

This simple lesson is the secret key to your woman. Understand what she wants to feel and then help her to feel that.