Pre Marriage Coaching Why It’s Critical?

Many couples who decide to marry don’t consider looking for guidance with their relationship. After all “…what could possibiley go wrong?…” My job is to help all couples of all ages that have yet to experience what’s to come with their new  relationship, avoid the pitfalls. I help couples discover how relationships really last long-term and I don’t mean just last, I mean last with passion.

Loss of your sex life will be the first casulity

So here is the a typical myth that exists and is widely accepted. Sex, passion and intimacy dies as times passes… This is totally untrue, and should not be accepted.

Of course if the relationship suffers in any way the first thing to go is the sex. Men discover that as soon as their partner becomes upset any sexual activity grinds to a surprising halt.

Just imagine if you don’t know what to do to keep your relationship growing and alive, your sex life will disappear and you’re now legally tied to the same person possibly with children. [Read more...]

Why Assumptions Can Harm Relationships

Many couples argue about what the other person meant when they said something.

This process starts when one person listens to their partners words, and converts those words into their own meanings, and then repeats back their translation, making their partner responsible for that translation and the new meaning behind it.

Of course the person doing the translating is making a massive assumption, that they understand the intention behind their partners words.

  • There is no way any of us can truly understand what is in someone’s mind when they speak to us, so making any assumption to the real meaning is unfair on both you, and your partner.

We need assumptions in day-to-day life

The problem is we live every day making assumptions about everything, we do it because it is a short cut to getting through our day. Imagine having to know the exact meaning behind everything anyone says to us, we would never get anything done.

Assumptions in relationships tend to create conflict

However where your partner is concerned making an assumption is a dangerous game, because we are socially conditioned to think the worst first.

So what happens is, if we are confused by what our partners say, we translate it into something that makes sense to us and then we tell our partners what they meant. This creates fury in those being blamed for saying something they didn’t and an argument erupts.

If you are the victim of this situation, what is most upsetting is the automatic assumption that our partner has assumed we would do something to hurt them on purpose.

This is because it shakes the core foundations of our relationships, “trust, respect, integrity, honesty etc…” Plus we feel judged and made to feel wrong. This now creates a two way street of resentment in the relationship in that moment.

  • Resentment is a pathway to a break-up and so we can feel insecure and uncomfortable about the relationship.

Men and women communicate in very different ways

The big reason why getting clear on your partner meanings is so critical is because men and women also communicate very differently. Men tend to be very direct in their communication and women can be indirect.

So if a man is listening to a woman his chances of understanding her true meaning if he takes her words literally are very slim, especially if she is upset and she is testing him, because she feels unsafe on some level.

Of course the woman will do the same, for example if the man is quiet she will assume something is wrong. That because when women go quiet generally there is something wrong. But for men they are happy when they are quiet.

These are of course generalisation and potentially assumptions as not all men are from mars and not all women are from venus, so the message here is clear...

…Know you can never possibility know what you partner means, so you can never make them wrong in the moment. Discover their meanings behind their words or actions by asking. When they tell you what they meant, accept what they say because they understand their meanings far more than you do.

If you are going to make an assumption, always assume your partner loves you, even when it seems like they don’t.

  • If you would like more information on the sexes and the differences in communication or you are having communication issues in your relationship contact me today.

Why Relationships Stop Growing & Start Dying

What has to happen for anything to grow? It needs some kind of action towards a goal. If it does not get what it needs to grow the result is, it has to die! Everything on earth works this way including relationships. So make sure that what you are doing does not stop growth, because you may live to regret it.

Every relationship is very different so each person requires different specific actions to enable growth. More importantly the relationships growth has to please both people, and help them to feel they are also growing as individuals within the relationship.

So the direction the relationship is heading in is critical.

If the relationship has no goal, it then becomes directionless and this means the relationship is lost and starts to lose it’s reason for being. When this happens the couple start to notice something is wrong and they go in search of problems.

The amount of couples that decide to commit whole lives to each other with no plan for themselves, or their relationship, other than love in the moment is staggering and is a key factor in divorce.

So what happens is each person in the couple has a very loose vision of how their lives should be. They don’t communicate that vision in real terms until they start to feel bad and feel that something is not quite right.

Both people in the relationship will have a totally different vision of how life should be. The bigger the gap the more uncomfortable they will be with their current direction and therefore each other.

Lack of vision causes relationship break-ups

As you can see a lack of communication and a lack of vision, never expressed in real terms causes massive problems. If the couple do not create a series of exciting goals the relationship will feel dead and this will create distance and a feeling that they are in the wrong life with the wrong person.

Getting married buying a house having kids are all great goals, but what comes next. Unless you plan to have an exciting rich life you will never have one, both individually and together.

If you don’t plan a clear direction the world or others will take over, and one day you will wake up look around you and think how did I get here and say…

“THIS IS NOT HOW MY LIFE SHOULD BE!”

At that moment you have one person to blame! YOU! …Take charge of your own future, life and relationship today!

We Just Can’t Seem To Talk Anymore

When a couple experiences a communication breakdown in marriage. What happens is they start off fighting to get their point across to each other. The couple don’t see that their anger and energy is an expression of their love, passion and frustration all at once, which at that moment in time is directed into a cry for help.

  • If their partner does not see this as a cry for help, they will start off a destructive loop of punishing each other in their quest to get back to love.

If the couple experience this situation for too long what can happen is they start to see that no matter what they do, they can’t seem to get through to their partner so they can start to give-up, and although the arguments do stop, they are stopping for all the wrong reasons.

  • The couple no longer see the point of communicating at all.

Communication breakdown – Get aware of what you are doing fast!

If the couple give-up arguing in this destructive state of hopelessness, the relationship is in real danger. One person in the relationship has to get sane very quickly to save the relationship.

Each person in the relationship has to take 100% responsibility for the relationship. This puts the individuals back in control of the relationship and no longer in a place of helplessness where they think they are only capable of being responsible for their half of the relationship.

Communication breakdown steps to disaster

Many couples are to focused on being right or winning arguments and so what happens when they don’t get what they want they pull their, attention and love away to punish their partner.

  • They are under the illusion that doing this teaches their partner a lesson so they won’t do this again.

There is never ever any place in a relationship where punishment works ever! If you punish your partner prepare yourself for more pain.

Because if your partner shares your model, that punishment ultimately generates love through understanding, they will probably do the same to you when they receive your punishment.

  • If you want your relationship back on track show love, only love in every of minute of every day no matter what.

If you punish your partner what you do is drive them away and put them in a place of fear where they can no longer trust you.

If you show them unconditional love no matter what they do, they will come to you and from this position of trust, an honest heartfelt understand can be created, from a place of safety.

Whatever your partner has said or done, you can never make them wrong, because that means that you are in a position to judge them and YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED to do so. In fact no man or woman on this earth is qualified to be the judge of another.

  • Judge your partner, make them wrong, assume you know their intensions, pull your love away and you’ll create a storm big enough to rip a whole family apart.

Is this happening to you, are you committed to making a change? …If so get in touch today!

Prevention or Cure which is best?

I’m sure that the logical side of all of us will agree that prevention of any problem we have is far better than putting ourselves through a problem and then having to find a cure.

So if this really makes sense then why do most couples choose to not look to for answers to what equals success for their relationship before the problems hits them.

The reasons are many, but here are a few…

  • It’s unromantic to put our relationship under the microscope
  • They are scared to look in case they find something they don’t like
  • They don’t believe anyone could help them
  • We are different and so we will never get to the point of splitting up

The problem is, if any couple goes into a relationship believing that they will not face challenges they will be massively deluding themselves, because we all do, no matter how good your relationship is.

What is, or could impact your relationship?

Assumptions, poor communication, fears, other people, work, family again there are many, many more who all have a massive impact on us from day-to-day and this impact will create a shift within us without us knowing.

At this point we can move from being in the version of ourselves where the world is always great, into the version of fear.

From here the world looks very different and if you live here for long enough, and you and your partner don’t know what to do, you can start attaching your fears to your relationship and without meaning to spend the next few years sabotaging each other without knowing as you try to get back to the place where everything was amazing.

  • FACT: No great decisions ever come from the version of you that is in a fear state.

The really smart people know there is a lot they don’t know, so…

The smart people know that these situations will happen and so they seek information and guidance to ensure that whatever comes up, they are able to notice the danger before it happens and help each other become realigned with each other critical needs and more importantly their most important values that equal happiness.

Most people don’t understand what these are, or how they work and if that’s you then please get in touch because the impact of not understanding this is massive, and is one of the biggest contributors to relationship break-ups from thousands of couples who all thought they were different and special.

It would never happen to them… BUT IT DID!


Body Language Hands Feet & Body

In this weeks “Who is attracted to you” body language series we will look at the body and what’s it doing to communicate attraction to others.

Next time you are out, start to notice what others are doing because their body is giving off signals constantly and we are picking up these signals and converting them into meanings without knowing, so lets turn these subconscious messages into conscious messages.

Body language makes up for 70%+ of our communication, so people don’t have to speak to tell you how they are feeling and if they are interested in you.

What’s really important to decipher all these messages is not just to look for one or two signals because these could be an accident, so look for a multiple signals.

Body Language Tips

It’s logical to know that if someone is attracted to you they will want to look their best for you. So their mind will be directed to their self-image and what they look like. This will focus them to their own hair and clothes and without knowing they will start to preen themselves, they will adjust their hair, and straighten and tidy their clothes.

Men will try to make themselves look bigger, with puffed out chests, legs apart, maybe even thumbs in jeans and elbows out, anything to be bigger than they really are, women will try to look smaller with crossed legs and arms in tight. You may notice tall women can develop a slight stoop as she tries to look shorter.

Both men and women will subconsciously point their feet to the person they are attracted to. So they could be chatting with friends in a bar and pointing their feet at you.

They will do the same with hands, they will be directing you their hand to what they want you to see on them or they will be pointing at you, could be whilst holding a glass.

Listen to the voices

Men will lower their voices when around women they are attracted to and women’s voices will become higher. Nature has designed us to be attracted to the differences in the sexes so our reflex response is to create exaggerated differences without knowing.

  • If you work with a female boss you will notice that she has had to make her voice become lower. She has done this without knowing, so she can survive in the male business world.

A group of women in a bar will become louder with giggles, shrieks and a full range of female sounds designed to attract near by attractive males.

A man who is with a group of his friends will stand outside of the group so possible female admirers can get a good look at him.

There are many more things to look out for, but this will help you notice what you notice about the world you are in.

The key is to notice as many signals as possible then when the person is not looking move to a different position so you can still see them. If they turn to look to where you were originally standing/sitting and then scan the room for you, then you know for sure they are attracted.

The acid test is lots of eye contact combined with a confident smile. If you receive this then you now need to discover what to do next.

How to get your man to do what you want him to do!

Have you ever been frustrated at your man. You ask him to do something and you get no action like your words mean nothing to him and what you want is not important.

Take some time to consider the words you are using because this can make a big difference to what a man thinks when you speak.

If you speak in a way that questions his ability to do something then he will feel you are questioning his ability eg. Can you fix the gate? Or could you pick up some shopping for me?

Change the can

Differences Between The Sexes – Communication

Have you ever wondered why men and women struggle to understand each other?

There are many, many reasons, but here is one that might help.

Do you notice that women can talk and talk and talk and never really seem to have a point. For example they can go on a shopping trip and talk at length at everything they did and saw, tried on liked and disliked.

Why when women talk about their day like this do men switch off.

Do the men not love their partners?…

Are the men bored of hearing the women talk, is this a sign something is going wrong in the relationship, do you both need to talk about he fact your not talking like you both used to?

No the men get frustrated because they are constantly looking for ways to help women (note if he has stopped doing this then there will be a reason), the longer there is nothing to fix the more frustrated they become and so they give up.

The woman notices everything and so she sees the man give up and then gives it a meaning, such as he is going off her, doesn