Will My Relationship Pass The Test Of Time?

What are the top three critical things a couple can focus on that will make 80% of the difference to the success of their relationship? Are you aware of what’s critical to make your relationship work? Many couples don’t know and so they can find themselves stuck, unhappy, lonely in their relationships.

So as you scan the points below what do you think you have missed or not understood fully? [Read more...]

We all want passionate lasting relationships so why do so many couples struggle?

I want to say that I really do feel for all couples that are struggling to make their relationship work, it is one of the hardest places to be. I know because I too was once in this place, lost, frustrated and angry.

Why could I not make them work for me? I was young and had a lot to learn, in fact the pain was so great that I made understanding relationships my life purpose so I could help others avoid what I had gone through.

Because I know personally the pain that couples go through from my own experiences my biggest pleasure today is helping couples understand their truth. Some couples should not be together, but many are struggling not because they are wrong for each other, but because they are missing some key information. [Read more...]

The Hardest Lesson To Learn

Many people believe the hardest lessons to learn are the painful ones. Where we have made mistakes and they have cost us. Some believe the hardest lesson is when their errors are exposed to others.

Yes all these are potentially hard to take, however there is one that’s far more potent and it’s the one I see every week in my sessions. [Read more...]

Is Your Relationship Giving You What You Really Need – In The Way You Want It?

Is your relationship growing or dying? Are your needs being met in the way you want?

Of course growing would only happen through the love of wanting to understand each others needs and understand why you are stronger together than apart. Why does your future look more exciting with your partner than on your own? Maybe it doesn’t!

The focus has to be on the pleasure of an exciting life together, if what came up for you were fears, dread or that no future could be seen then maybe it’s time to explore your relationship.

At the bottom of this post there is a quick test you can ask yourself to explore what’s happening for you. [Read more...]

Is Withholding Love Part of Your Relationship Coping Pattern?

When couples experience problems in their relationship an automatic pattern usually appears. Couples find they have a need to withhold their love. They do it for two reasons firstly to protect themselves and secondly to punish their partner for the way they have been treated.

This pattern is automatic because we are conditioned growing up to move away from what causes us pain, plus society teaches us to punish a person when they have behaved badly.

The problem with pulling love away is it actually hurts the person who is pulling the love away and to make matters worse it actually hurts the relationship too. [Read more...]

We all want passionate lasting relationships so why do so many couples struggle?

I want to say that I really do feel for all couples that are struggling to make their relationship work, it is one of the hardest places to be. I know because I too was once in this place, lost, frustrated, angry why could I not make them work for me?

Because I know personally the pain that couples go through from my own experiences my biggest pleasure today is helping couples understand their truth. Some couple should not be together, but many are struggling not because they are wrong for each other, but because they are missing some key information.

What if just a few things make 80% of the difference for couples. What if all couples could quickly learn those critical steps they could take?

Most couples put so much effort into dating each other and have no idea what works and what doesn’t so they stop doing what works without knowing.

Over the years they practice doing what will ultimately kill their relationship, but they don’t mean to, they don’t know they are doing it.

Couples can assume the wrong things about each other for years.

If couples were really aware of the massive differences between male and female their perspective on their relationship and how they respond to each other would change in an instant.

But of course the differences between the sexes is just a part of the mix for success.

  • Growing from conflict
  • Planning a life together
  • Building lasting trust
  • Meeting each other core needs

All this combined with undoing the myths that society hypnotise us all with, plus one key the key to creating a relationship where you can be truly you.

That key is to understand you and what equals happiness for you. How do you create fulfilment for yourself?

If you knew the key to your relationship with yourself then helping others become successful with you would be so much easier.

These are some of the simple steps that couples can take with me to discover their truth with me.

Your relationship is valuable if what you have done so far has not worked please don’t assume it will sort it’s self out with time. Something has to change and the assumption the relationship is wrong could be the wrong one.

Should relationships just work? Is the fact they are not a sign of incompatibility?

Many people believe that relationships should just work naturally. The reality is to create a relationship that lasts and stays passionate takes real skill. Skills that most people are not aware they need.

  • It’s the being unaware that “skills are needed” is what causes real problems.

You see it’s not until couples spend enough time getting things wrong and they both get to the place where they feel they might have to separate because they are so unhappy is the point when they wake up to their reality.

You see relationships don’t fail over night, it takes constant effort (the wrong effort) to be successful at destroying your relationship. [Read more...]

Is there a lack of Honesty in Your Relationship?

Couples in trouble usually end up with more words that are unspoken in the relationship than spoken. This lack of honesty about each others true feelings causes problems. Of course the reason they don’t speak is because they have stopped seeing the point, or don’t see it as the solution.

So now they can only be honest to friends, family, children and this hurts the relationship and so resentment starts to grow.

Honesty is a powerful word sometimes linked to trust. Most of us would agree that we want honesty in our relationships. It is a key factor in building successful relationships.

When honesty and trust are mentioned many people go to thoughts of affairs, or not being able to trust your partner with members of the opposite sex.

Whilst this is true the words trust and honesty are much broader in meaning and power.

For example: I discover in sessions that many women are not communicating the truth of how they feel to their partner through fear of their partner leaving them. This is one of many combinations couples experience.

This lack of honesty will create a conflict within them and so they change how they behave without knowing. They become unhappy due to this conflict and as a result they pull away to protect themselves and their partner feels it. [Read more...]

Can YOU be YOU in Your Relationship?

Are you being you in your relationship, or do you have to make the effort to act differently? Maybe you are treading on eggshells, or maybe you feel controlled by your partners’ usual reaction which for you is destructive.

Many people change their behaviours to protect themselves and their relationship from harm. Whilst the intent is good the reality is the honesty has gone and this puts the couple in conflict with themselves and this creates internal fears which can lead to low emotional states, stress and depression.

For example: A wife may hold inside what she is really feeling, because she knows if she connects with what’s wrong for her and becomes too emotional, he will run-away, or get so angry that she sees no point, so she holds it in. Of course this results in building resentment in her which can ruin the relationship.

or [Read more...]

Worried About Your Relationship?

Do you have a relationship you want to keep? Are you stuck not sure what to do? Do you feel that no matter what you do it seems to keep failing?

If this is you then understanding the steps to getting the relationship back on track are critical.

If any relationship has suffered problems the challenge the couple now face is A LACK OF TRUST! Trust that the relationship will not be the way they need it to be, for them to be happy.

Rebuilding the trust is the first step in my sessions with couples.

To be successful your thoughts have to go to the points of conflict where the couple have failed with each other and ignited fears for the future.

  • The question is this… At the point of conflict what does my partner really need?

Usually in conflict situations and even the ones she has started, what the female needs is to be loved and understood, what the male needs is the ability to fix her problem. If he doesn’t know how to deal with the conflict he might become really angry, through frustration, or he might shut-down or escape in some way hoping the problem will just go away.

None of this works and just adds more fuel to the fire.

All of these behaviours are the reverse of what’s needed and bit-by-bit the relationship dies. She can feel that he has no desire to understand her, and he can feel she can never be pleased.

None of this is true of course, but without relationship training the couple react the only way they know how. Fight and protect themselves.

Understanding this process is one of the keys to my success with couples.

If the male can meet his needs in the process of meeting the females’ specific needs at the point of conflict then he can feel successful again in the relationship and she will feel loved and heard.

Both people following this process will start to feel connected again with themselves and each other.

Once the trust has been rebuilt, only then can the couple can work on meeting each others needs.

  • If you wish to know more about how to do this please make contact today click here

Effective Communication Skills in Relationships

What are the meanings behind your partner words? Many of us react to our partner words without stopping to think, what did they really mean?

Listening is one of the most critical parts of communication, but in personal relationships the emotions are usually high and we can react before we think and before you know it we have a war on our hands.

One of the biggest complaints I hear in relationships is he or she doesn’t understand me.

So when your partner is speaking with you next, take your time to listen to their words.  Our natural response is to put our own meanings to their words, but of course by doing this you’ll miss their point totally. This can cause conflict.

Because men and women communicate so differently and emotions can run high it is critical to understand each others true meanings behind their words.

So ask them what they meant and see if your initial reaction was going to be the right one.

I run this in sessions and couples are generally shocked at how wrong they are when the meaning behind each others words are explored.

Why Women Have Affairs?

Why do women in relationships have affairs? What is it that drives them into the arms of another?

Of course whatever I write here will be a generalisation to some degree as every situation is different, but I have a very unique perspective because I see so many couples with relationship problems.

Most people find it very easy to judge the person who has had the affair as a terrible person, whilst I don’t honour their decision as it is so destructive, I do understand how and why it happens.

If a couple have experienced this type of betrayal in their relationship, not understanding why is the first hurdle. Sometimes even the perpetrator doesn’t know why they did it and this makes the relationship worse. [Read more...]

If Your Relationship Is Not Growing It’s Dying! The Solution is Simple…

When couples in trouble come to me for help, the first thing I know is whatever they have both been doing is going to be killing the relationship.

Unfortunately most couples only come for help at the point where they feel they have nothing to lose because the relationship is at the end.

My advice to all couples is, when you start to feel that the relationship is not working get help quickly. The most challenging couple to save is the one where one person is totally convinced the relationship is the wrong one. Yes I can help, but it takes longer.

At the moment any couple goes into conflict the relationship is potentially vulnerable to destruction. Because most people don’t have any kind of relationship education, destruction is sadly the path they both usually take.

What if every argument ended in a stronger love?

So my goal with couples is to help them understand their primary goal at this point of conflict. I help them understand what is going on for each other and why both people are responding in the way they are. Fundamentally men and women are very different, so they operate differently, this causes confusion fear and more problems.

Usually the couple discover that although they don’t like their partners’ reactionary behaviour they understand that their partners’ intention is usually positive.

Once the couple start to see their individual “intention” is not to hurt each other the couple are then open to understanding from a new perspective rather than judging which then leads to punishment.

You see if a couple at the point of conflict can grow then the couple can start to both feel more secure together. What I am looking for is an understanding of the primary needs that drive the individuals so I can show them how they can both meet these needs in conflict and “love” becomes the result…

…Imagine that…

This is one of the primary reasons I help so many couples so quickly. A few simple change can make such a big difference…

Don’t hesitate make contact today: Click here

What they don’t tell you that you probably need to know!

Are there some fundamentals of life that never get taught? Is there some key knowledge that we all really need to know? What if when we were growing up we have been fed the wrong information, or not been guided in a way that serves us. Did your parents really know how to help you understand how you work, or did they guess?

The chances are they were lost too, so they run their lives on feelings and this is how the trouble begins…

What has to happen before you can feel good?

Many people who find they are unhappy with their life will try to change their external world to help them to feel better. The world has taught them this is how to be successful. The problem is this type of control is short lived and doesn’t work…

For example: Some buy stuff to feel good in the moment. Some people change their appearance with a new hair style, or a new dress even to the extreme of plastic surgery. All of these actions do have an instant feel good factor, but it doesn’t last.

We are conditioned to live in reaction

We all like to feel that we are the controllers of us, but this is so far from the truth, we are governed by our pasts and what information that past has fed us. Question yourself now, I know your parents wanted the best for you, but through their teachings they also passed on to you their limiting beliefs which helped to build the fears you have today.

How would it feel if you no longer had to live in reaction to your world. What if you no longer needed to rearrange your world and those in it for you to be OK?

A example of rearranging your world

A lady with a relationship challenge: She doesn’t get the love she needs from her husband and so she consistently goes to get love from her children. This without her knowing, puts pressure on the children and puts her in conflict with herself and with her relationship. She causes further problems as she withholds love to punish her selfish unloving partner.

Firstly her punishment is conditioning from her past. Society teaches us that if someone does us a wrong we punish them. unfortunately punishment does not create love or growth and so the relationship is being weakened each time it happens.

Her punishment comes from her fears that life is not going to be the way it should be.

As a child she would have created coping strategies when life felt wrong and so she will punish, but she could do it in many ways possibility following her parents limiting patterns of behaviour. I.E. Anger, depression, escape, violence, etc…

We are also conditioned to believe that we are qualified to judge each others behaviours of course for the analysis to be correct you would have to be that person which you are not. This incorrect belief gives us more permission to punish.

Also she would have created fears growing up and these fear are driving her to be in conflict with her true self.

She in this place feels disconnected with her true self and he feels she has changed.

She has changed she has a new purpose based on these fears. Instead of love, contribution and growth she has automatically gone to protection and possibly escape. This limits her from being who she truly is.

The change is core within her, when asked if love is important some of the time or all of the time? She answers all the time. So we can clearly see, if love is important all the time, then when she pulls it away to punish her partner she is in conflict with herself.

The being in conflict with ourselves can cause depression.

What men don’t know about women!

This a message to all the men wanting to be more successful with your partners. What would you experience within you if you knew you could be successful with her and help her to feel wonderful inside and attach those feelings to you. Plus to do this you don’t have to say a word.

A big discovery for men in my sessions is what works with their partners that their were totally unaware of.

Presence for a woman is critical and the best way to get present with her through her eyes. If she can see that you are totally present with her through eye-to-eye contact and whilst you are doing that you are feeling a powerful masculine love for her within you. She will sence that energy from you and if it is genuine she will in the moment feel safe to connect with her feminine self.

She may feel a little fearful if this is the first time you have done this as she may not feel sure that she is safe with you in this way. If she will not connect with you eye to eye keep going until she feels safe. Very often couples with problems will experience the female has little to no desire to connect this way with her partner, because the trust has gone.

This is the start of the process that is powerful to help any couple learn how to deal with conflict differently, but also how to help each other create the right polarity in their relationship.

Couple with problems can have a reversed polarity that helps them to feel wrong inside, but they use this reverse polarity to gain strength and keen themselves safe.

So to all my male readers, your partner will want attention all the time from you, so getting present with her this way and allowing her to speak whilst you just listen will be a massive first step with reconnecting you in a very powerful way.

Fears: A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Most of us are aware that whatever you fear usually gets created, if you are not aware then this is important, if you are aware then this is still very important because it can affect your behaviours.

For example: If you don’t trust your partner, checking up on them, asking when they will be back, what are they doing, who they are speaking to, checking emails and texts, will result in them feeling so trapped that you become someone they cannot trust.

Jealousy is easy to spot, but fears are not as simple as we might imagine to understand.

What happens if YOU are not aware of your biggest fear?

I would say that a good 98% of the people I see have a belief that they fear something only to discover there are 5-10 things they fear more, and these are driving their behaviours, without them knowing. [Read more...]

Values: The Key To A Passionate Love Life

When a couple has a values conflict the first thing to go is their sex life.

Many people see VALUES as just a list of words and as a simple list, yes you could say they are important, but miss the immense power they hold to change your life for ever.

If used incorrectly values can cause depression, anxiety, relationship break ups, abuse, violence, anger and many many more problems.

When values are understood and lived by life takes on a success they could never have imagined. People close to suicide discover a new lease of life. Victims of abuse discover how to give themselves security.

All the greats this world has seen understood the massive power of understanding and applying their values to their life consciously.

It’s really simple: If you don’t understand your values and your partners values then expect a traumatic rollercoaster.

It’s bad enough for one person who has no concept of their values for life, but two people attempting to live together will soon run into big trouble.

Values are the most important words you will ever learn, because they mean so much to us that they become a compass for our lives.

Many couples come to me with a conflict of values, they claim that certain values are important yet they fail to live by what they say is important to them.

It’s like a smoker that claims health is important, but carries on smoking. Something nags at them and so they talk about giving up for years but never actually do it. It’s the values nagging!

Couples claim that love is important yet they punish and hurt each other. They claim that trust is important and then they act in an untrusting manner that scares their partner to trust them even less.

It is this total lack of living by the values and standards that help couples fail.

If you are unhappy then the chances of you suffering from a conflict of values is really high. If you are having relationship problems the first place to start is with yourself. Become the best partner you can be by living by what you say is important and then help your partner through their problems.

Start Here

If your relationship is in trouble and you have tried everything to fix it yourself and nothing is working then these are the simple steps that will have a massive impact on your relationship.

These are some of the key steps I use when working with couples in crisis.

Step 1 – Get leverage

I help people understand the true cost of not fixing their relationship problems. When people decide to split-up they don’t think about the true cost both emotionally and financially. The cost is always much bigger than they thought, it’s far more expensive, the emotional fall out goes on for years and massively effects their future relationships, plus their children are affected for life sometimes hating their parents. [Read more...]

Why Assumptions Can Harm Relationships

Many couples argue about what the other person meant when they said something.

This process starts when one person listens to their partners words, and converts those words into their own meanings, and then repeats back their translation, making their partner responsible for that translation and the new meaning behind it.

Of course the person doing the translating is making a massive assumption, that they understand the intention behind their partners words.

  • There is no way any of us can truly understand what is in someone’s mind when they speak to us, so making any assumption to the real meaning is unfair on both you, and your partner.

We need assumptions in day-to-day life

The problem is we live every day making assumptions about everything, we do it because it is a short cut to getting through our day. Imagine having to know the exact meaning behind everything anyone says to us, we would never get anything done.

Assumptions in relationships tend to create conflict

However where your partner is concerned making an assumption is a dangerous game, because we are socially conditioned to think the worst first.

So what happens is, if we are confused by what our partners say, we translate it into something that makes sense to us and then we tell our partners what they meant. This creates fury in those being blamed for saying something they didn’t and an argument erupts.

If you are the victim of this situation, what is most upsetting is the automatic assumption that our partner has assumed we would do something to hurt them on purpose.

This is because it shakes the core foundations of our relationships, “trust, respect, integrity, honesty etc…” Plus we feel judged and made to feel wrong. This now creates a two way street of resentment in the relationship in that moment.

  • Resentment is a pathway to a break-up and so we can feel insecure and uncomfortable about the relationship.

Men and women communicate in very different ways

The big reason why getting clear on your partner meanings is so critical is because men and women also communicate very differently. Men tend to be very direct in their communication and women can be indirect.

So if a man is listening to a woman his chances of understanding her true meaning if he takes her words literally are very slim, especially if she is upset and she is testing him, because she feels unsafe on some level.

Of course the woman will do the same, for example if the man is quiet she will assume something is wrong. That because when women go quiet generally there is something wrong. But for men they are happy when they are quiet.

These are of course generalisation and potentially assumptions as not all men are from mars and not all women are from venus, so the message here is clear...

…Know you can never possibility know what you partner means, so you can never make them wrong in the moment. Discover their meanings behind their words or actions by asking. When they tell you what they meant, accept what they say because they understand their meanings far more than you do.

If you are going to make an assumption, always assume your partner loves you, even when it seems like they don’t.

  • If you would like more information on the sexes and the differences in communication or you are having communication issues in your relationship contact me today.

Couples Communication Problems

In nearly all my couples session there is one consistent problem couples experience and that is the couple communicate to each other as if their genders and their differences do not exist. If you understand the differences you will save your relationship.

So a man will listen to his wife as if she is a man talking to him. A woman will listen to her husband as if he is a woman talking her.

When this happens neither person in the relationship will feel heard or understood and over time this will build high levels of frustration and potential proof that the relationship is no longer working.

When the couple do this the meanings behind their words are never understood and so conflict is never far away.

The couple have failed to understand each other and when this happen critical needs stop being met and the relationship slowly starts to die.

The relationship can be saved as soon as the couple understand the gender differences and see their partners  intentions were not destructive they were simple receiving the wrong message.

Men and women are totally different

The truth is men and women communicate in totally different ways, men are very direct in their approach and women use indirect language.

For example: If two women were talking about going to a party and one brought up the thought of another woman wearing the same dress as her. See might say “…if that happened I would just die!”

To a man this is ridiculous, “…of course you won’t die!”

If a man dating a woman says I can’t see you Saturday. What he means is I can’t see you Saturday! And that’s all he means. A woman will hear a thousand possible reasons behind his words. He’s going off me, I’m too fat, he likes someone else… etc, etc.

  • Understand there are differences and you’ll start be open to explore how to be successful.

So in a conflict situation when she is making him responsible for everything wrong in her life she is actually crying for help because on some level she feels unsafe and she wants him to make her safe again. So she will test him to see if he will look after her. Men at this point have a tendency to run away either physically or mentally, now she feels really unsafe with him.

When he shuts down or runs away, he is stuck, frustrated, hurt not knowing what to do.

Be under no illusion he wants with all of his heart to make his woman happy and she wants to feel safe. They both want the same things it’s just confusion that creates the conflicts that ultimately leads to the couples separation.

The goal is to discover how to help each other to be successful by understanding the intent behind each others words and not making them wrong in their approach.