Values: The Key To A Passionate Love Life

When a couple has a values conflict the first thing to go is their sex life.

Many people see VALUES as just a list of words and as a simple list, yes you could say they are important, but miss the immense power they hold to change your life for ever.

If used incorrectly values can cause depression, anxiety, relationship break ups, abuse, violence, anger and many many more problems.

When values are understood and lived by life takes on a success they could never have imagined. People close to suicide discover a new lease of life. Victims of abuse discover how to give themselves security.

All the greats this world has seen understood the massive power of understanding and applying their values to their life consciously.

It’s really simple: If you don’t understand your values and your partners values then expect a traumatic rollercoaster.

It’s bad enough for one person who has no concept of their values for life, but two people attempting to live together will soon run into big trouble.

Values are the most important words you will ever learn, because they mean so much to us that they become a compass for our lives.

Many couples come to me with a conflict of values, they claim that certain values are important yet they fail to live by what they say is important to them.

It’s like a smoker that claims health is important, but carries on smoking. Something nags at them and so they talk about giving up for years but never actually do it. It’s the values nagging!

Couples claim that love is important yet they punish and hurt each other. They claim that trust is important and then they act in an untrusting manner that scares their partner to trust them even less.

It is this total lack of living by the values and standards that help couples fail.

If you are unhappy then the chances of you suffering from a conflict of values is really high. If you are having relationship problems the first place to start is with yourself. Become the best partner you can be by living by what you say is important and then help your partner through their problems.

Start Here

If your relationship is in trouble and you have tried everything to fix it yourself and nothing is working then these are the simple steps that will have a massive impact on your relationship.

These are some of the key steps I use when working with couples in crisis.

Step 1 – Get leverage

I help people understand the true cost of not fixing their relationship problems. When people decide to split-up they don’t think about the true cost both emotionally and financially. The cost is always much bigger than they thought, it’s far more expensive, the emotional fall out goes on for years and massively effects their future relationships, plus their children are affected for life sometimes hating their parents. [Read more...]

Why Assumptions Can Harm Relationships

Many couples argue about what the other person meant when they said something.

This process starts when one person listens to their partners words, and converts those words into their own meanings, and then repeats back their translation, making their partner responsible for that translation and the new meaning behind it.

Of course the person doing the translating is making a massive assumption, that they understand the intention behind their partners words.

  • There is no way any of us can truly understand what is in someone’s mind when they speak to us, so making any assumption to the real meaning is unfair on both you, and your partner.

We need assumptions in day-to-day life

The problem is we live every day making assumptions about everything, we do it because it is a short cut to getting through our day. Imagine having to know the exact meaning behind everything anyone says to us, we would never get anything done.

Assumptions in relationships tend to create conflict

However where your partner is concerned making an assumption is a dangerous game, because we are socially conditioned to think the worst first.

So what happens is, if we are confused by what our partners say, we translate it into something that makes sense to us and then we tell our partners what they meant. This creates fury in those being blamed for saying something they didn’t and an argument erupts.

If you are the victim of this situation, what is most upsetting is the automatic assumption that our partner has assumed we would do something to hurt them on purpose.

This is because it shakes the core foundations of our relationships, “trust, respect, integrity, honesty etc…” Plus we feel judged and made to feel wrong. This now creates a two way street of resentment in the relationship in that moment.

  • Resentment is a pathway to a break-up and so we can feel insecure and uncomfortable about the relationship.

Men and women communicate in very different ways

The big reason why getting clear on your partner meanings is so critical is because men and women also communicate very differently. Men tend to be very direct in their communication and women can be indirect.

So if a man is listening to a woman his chances of understanding her true meaning if he takes her words literally are very slim, especially if she is upset and she is testing him, because she feels unsafe on some level.

Of course the woman will do the same, for example if the man is quiet she will assume something is wrong. That because when women go quiet generally there is something wrong. But for men they are happy when they are quiet.

These are of course generalisation and potentially assumptions as not all men are from mars and not all women are from venus, so the message here is clear...

…Know you can never possibility know what you partner means, so you can never make them wrong in the moment. Discover their meanings behind their words or actions by asking. When they tell you what they meant, accept what they say because they understand their meanings far more than you do.

If you are going to make an assumption, always assume your partner loves you, even when it seems like they don’t.

  • If you would like more information on the sexes and the differences in communication or you are having communication issues in your relationship contact me today.

Couples Communication Problems

In nearly all my couples session there is one consistent problem couples experience and that is the couple communicate to each other as if their genders and their differences do not exist. If you understand the differences you will save your relationship.

So a man will listen to his wife as if she is a man talking to him. A woman will listen to her husband as if he is a woman talking her.

When this happens neither person in the relationship will feel heard or understood and over time this will build high levels of frustration and potential proof that the relationship is no longer working.

When the couple do this the meanings behind their words are never understood and so conflict is never far away.

The couple have failed to understand each other and when this happen critical needs stop being met and the relationship slowly starts to die.

The relationship can be saved as soon as the couple understand the gender differences and see their partners  intentions were not destructive they were simple receiving the wrong message.

Men and women are totally different

The truth is men and women communicate in totally different ways, men are very direct in their approach and women use indirect language.

For example: If two women were talking about going to a party and one brought up the thought of another woman wearing the same dress as her. See might say “…if that happened I would just die!”

To a man this is ridiculous, “…of course you won’t die!”

If a man dating a woman says I can’t see you Saturday. What he means is I can’t see you Saturday! And that’s all he means. A woman will hear a thousand possible reasons behind his words. He’s going off me, I’m too fat, he likes someone else… etc, etc.

  • Understand there are differences and you’ll start be open to explore how to be successful.

So in a conflict situation when she is making him responsible for everything wrong in her life she is actually crying for help because on some level she feels unsafe and she wants him to make her safe again. So she will test him to see if he will look after her. Men at this point have a tendency to run away either physically or mentally, now she feels really unsafe with him.

When he shuts down or runs away, he is stuck, frustrated, hurt not knowing what to do.

Be under no illusion he wants with all of his heart to make his woman happy and she wants to feel safe. They both want the same things it’s just confusion that creates the conflicts that ultimately leads to the couples separation.

The goal is to discover how to help each other to be successful by understanding the intent behind each others words and not making them wrong in their approach.

Stressed, depressed, anxious, unhappy for no reason?

Many people I see in relationship coaching sessions suffer from an inner conflict of some kind where no matter what they choose they are unhappy. This can bring on feelings of being depressed, stressed, anxious or unhappy either for what they think is the reason, or for no reason at all.

They go round-and-round in circles with their own thoughts, never really knowing what seems right. They know something is wrong, but they can never put their finger on what is really causing their pain.

The most usual route to success with this kind of problem is…

Step one

…is to understand if there is a gap between how they think their life should be compared to their perception of their own reality. A difference here will give anyone a feeling that they are not living the life they were born to live, yet their might be really good reason why they have not got what they want, but they either can’t accept it, or their map of how life should be is out of date.

Step two

…to understand how the different personalities within themselves have created the life they have today. They are usually are living in a fear state were they are ready for problems to hit them all of the time and this version of them is usually exhausted, so they feel down, or depressed, stress, anxious or all four.

Step three

…to understand their critical needs, values and rules for life. What we usually discover is that without knowing they have set these up so they can never win and so they always go round-and-round in circles, looking for answers that never appear. They look for what they think the problem is and so they either blame it, or remove it and this could be their relationship,

Step four

…is to realign all these parts of them so they are working together and then to build strength and confidence within the individual so they are able to create resourceful states at will, so they are always in control.

Taking these four steps whilst getting leverage so a change become easier for the individual makes a massive impact on how the individuals now sees the world.

They can see why they have gotten to where they are today and what is hurting them. This detailed information helps them choose a better way to live and still creates the happiness they were always after.

Does this sound like something you are suffering with, maybe your partner is unhappy, but they don’t know why, or perhaps you have a friend or family member who suffers from depression or stress and can’t seem to break that pattern

  • If so I can help please get in touch today click here

Coaching Couples

Are you and your partner experiencing problems and you want to get to the bottom of why? Are you considering some kind of couples coaching?

Your key to success is to look beyond the problems you are having because your answers are not where you think they are, and this is why couples arguments go round and round in circles as they try to fix the wrong thing.

Many couples I see tell me that they have been to a counsellor with a specific problem and the counsellor has tried to help them fix that problem hoping that this will change how the couple feels about each other.

Many couples I see have been through that frustrating process and it gives them further proof that they have no hope even with a professional helping them. They feel that the only solution is to end the relationship.

Has this happened to you or are you in this process?

The problem that is being presented in the couples lives is always a symptom of their real problems and so fixing this never gets to the truth of what‘s causing their conflict or fears.

The place to look to for a solution to the couples problems is in the core needs and values of the individuals, and their map of what a relationship is, and how it should be in their mind.

If there is a mismatch in needs, values and their circumstances / behaviours then the couple will be unhappy and one or both people in the couple will start to search for more problems in the relationship as they become protective and fearful of their own future with their partner.

The problems the couples face or bring to sessions is the problems they have found after they feel fearful for their future together and so they test the relationship to make sure they have the right partner.

For Example

So for example a woman could be testing a man without him knowing.

If he does not pick up his clothes after he has been asked to, then this means he does not listen to her, and so she feels insignificant to him, therefore he cannot be trusted to give her what she needs and this rocks her security with him.

Their arguments in this case would be about her constant nagging him and his lack of respect or appreciation for her and what she does in the house.

The reality has nothing to do with the clothes, what she fears is a lack of security and so she feels unsafe with him and as he fights with her all she can see is a future full of fear that just maybe she is not enough for him.

We could train him to pick-up his clothes, but because that test was created from another fear within her “a lack of security” all she would do is create another test.

If in the example above we discovered what had made her feel insecure with him and what actions he could take to help her feel more secure then we are on the road to a happier future.

Once the coupe discover what’s missing, filling that gap become easy and so their fears for the future are removed and the couple are happy again.

So if you are having problems and seem to be going round in circles please get in touch today.

Men Are Killing Their Own Sex Lives Without Knowing!

I am calling on all men to stand-up and be a man fast!

If you don’t, you can kiss goodbye to your sex life today!

Why am I saying this? Because men all over the world are confused, and this confusion is destroying their relationships. Whilst the men are trying to workout what’s going on in their relationships the women feel they have no choice, but to take control.

Here’s the thing, your wife or girlfriend wants you to be the man in your relationship. She won’t tell you this directly, but if you do not prove to her you are strong enough to look after her emotional needs then she will have no choice, but to become the man in your relationship, and she will not be happy about that.

She wants you to be the man

Why? Because she wants to be the beautiful desirable woman not the man. She will struggle with being both, but survival always comes first for her, especially if she has children. So if she feels the man is weak, she will worry and so passion will always be the last thing on her mind.

In today’s society you can see women having to get tough everywhere and in all so-called social classes. Single mums for example have to get tough to survive and if they live too long in this masculine roll they get stuck there, afraid to let go.

Then what happens is her masculine persona is in need of balance, and so without knowing she automatically attracts a weaker man. What she really needs is a man stronger than her so she can revert back to being the woman she really wants to be.

But she will not do that unless she is 1000% sure she can trust him to be that man for her, and she may avoid stronger men fearful of losing the control that kept her safe.

Women who are in top jobs experience the same problem, because they have to survive in a masculine world and so they have to act like men that look like women. Tough women love the power they have, but secretly they also long for a strong man.

The hen-pecked husband

Another victim is the hen-pecked husband. How does this happen? What men know and what many women won’t believe is this.

All men want to do is please her. If he discovers he cannot please her he will either leave or stay with her, but give up trying. So if women never show their partners they are pleased with what they do, or they are too controlling, negative, or overly critical, the man will start to compromise himself to try to please her.

She will then feel insecure with him and so she may cause massive rows that to a man make no sense. But her message to him is clear. You are putting this relationship at risk if you cannot even stand up to me, a woman, and prove to me everything will be OK.

She sees his behaviour as a lack of strength, and so her respect for him will start to diminish and so the beaten man gets weaker and weaker and she ends up loving him like a child. Telling him off and putting him down. It does not take a rocket scientist to know their sex life is going to be a dead one.

So men, the lesson is clear.

She needs the strength of a real man, one she can depend on no matter what happens. A man who will always be there for her, forever. When she feels this security from him only then will she let go and become the feminine woman, very happy to help him  become the man you both can enjoy.

Become who you are designed to be, and watch your relationship and passion come alive. Live in the wrong versions of yourself and expect pain misery, and that‘s right! Zero passion.

Why Women Take So Long To Get Ready To Go Out

Women take forever to get ready for everything and frustrated men spend hours of their lives pacing, waiting for them to emerge. Is there a possibility that the men fuel the wait? Relationship coach explains what happens and why.

Have you ever noticed that when your wife/girlfriend is getting ready to go out with you, she will change into many outfits trying to get the look just perfect.

You know that she always looks great, but every time she asks your opinion, no matter what you say she nearly always changes outfits and combinations and colours, bags and shoes, hair up or down. Too much flesh or not enough.

Whilst the combination to the perfect outfit is being deciphered you know you’re going to be late. You can feel yourself becoming agitated and even though she knows this, she still keeps changing more and more.

The changing becomes accelerated the more you say you like it and the later you become.

So! What starts off as a fun evening out is now a night filled with tension.

Here is the deal guys: It’s your behaviour that made her late and I’ll tell you why.

What she looks like is not the key to speeding things along. What’s important to her is how she feels about how she looks, that is the secret.

So if she asks you what looks better the red shoes, or the black ones? If you tell her the red ones are the best, you are slowing her down, or if you say the black ones are best you are still slowing her down.

Confused!? This is why… This is your lesson gentlemen!

By making a choice of just red or black, does not help her to feel anything. She has to feel some thing good before she can make a decision and so she starts to feel confused.

Confusion helps her to feel worse, combined with thoughts that you don‘t care about how she looks. This is proved by your lack of interest and anger at her for wanting to look beautiful for you. So maybe this could be an underlying  relationship problem. Now she’s really driven to look really amazing which is going to take much longer for her to achieve.

Do you see what you did…! You put the foundations of the relationship into question.

Here is what you should have said: But take your time and have a really good look, she will notice if your attention is not on her.

  • “The red ones are best because they make your legs look a lovely shape and that really shows off your figure.”

Or

  • “I love you in the red shoes because it reminds me of our second date in Oxford.”

Or

  • “I have always loved your legs and the red ones make them look amazing because they look so long and sexy!”

NOW She knows that she has your total attention, and now she trusts that you love her enough to want her to feel good about herself. You share in her priority which is to look and feel good. Now she can relax knowing that she has achieved what she wants and she has feeling of security with you too.

Remember she would rather turn up late looking amazing than on time feeling that she looks a wreck. In fact if she doesn’t feel good about herself, then she may not go out at all, because her evening would make her feel awful about herself and a whole evening of that is far too painful to entertain.

The word “because” is a powerful word for her here and the evening is likely to be now one that you’ll love too, because now she feels slim and sexy and she has attached those feeling to you.

This simple lesson is the secret key to your woman. Understand what she wants to feel and then help her to feel that.

Values Conflict The Cause Of Most Break ups

Most people in a relationship with serious conflict issues usually are not aware that it is their values that are fighting.

But it goes deeper that that, because it’s great to have solid values, but attach unreasonable rules to those values and now you have a real problem.

  • For example: You may have a value of

She Is Looking Angry What Do You Do?

Through a lack of understanding between the sexes and what each other needs, men and women can get into conflict very quickly. So a little knowledge can turn a potential war into loving.

The first rule is don