The shocking truth…

Many couples are living together disconnected passionless and miserable not because they are incompatible or wrong for each other, it’s because they simply don’t know how to live together.

So in todays post I’m going to highlight the thinking that is causing couples so many problems.

The challenge we all face growing up is, we are given the idea that ‘the wrong principles are the route to a safe and happy life.

So below are a few common illusions that have the ability to create significant emotion challenges in those that practice them. [Read more...]

Your mind is powerful – I have never shared this…

Today we are going to talk about the mind and the power it has to change the direction of your life without you knowing.

I see so many people out of control of their life because they have followed their feelings, as a result they have made terrible choices and have landed in really bad places emotionally.

So if you want to truly be in control of your life direction then this this post is for you.

What you are about to learn is a core part of what couples are learning with me, that helps them go from marital crisis into feeling free and safe to love each other again.

Side note: Business men and women are also learning these skill one-on-one with me to create more effective and confident selves in all areas of their life to create a better life balance whilst lowing stress. (I run 6 week courses for business individuals. If your interested please call Kate on 020 3793 2884).

[Read more...]

10 relationship illusions that can lead a couple to divorce

Principles, philosophies, ways of thinking. Whichever way you cut it just like life, relationships have simple laws that if broken will cause problems. 

The challenge we all face growing up is, we are given the idea that ‘the wrong principles are the route to a safe and happy life.

So below are a few common illusions that have the ability to create significant emotion challenges in those that practice them.

1. I have no control over what I feel

2. Loss of love is permanent 

3. Loss of love is something that just happens to us [Read more...]

She said she no longer loved him…

Loss of love is a very common problem that shows up in my consultations. It’s a terribly difficult problem for couples and many give up not knowing the simple steps to reigniting feelings that have died. 

As you scan through my words below you will see a snap shot of how this couple were guided out of this horrible situation.

This lady turned up with her husband. She told me she had lost her feelings for her husband.

She told me without those feelings of love she didn’t believe she could carry on the relationship. They had young children and I knew those children were the reason she was sat in front of me.

Her feelings had died and to help them I needed to know why? I also knew she didn’t know the answer to that question.

There was no affair, he was hard working, he loved the children, he had a successful business. On paper they had all the ingredients for a successful life. [Read more...]

Trust issues: Taking back control

I was with a client last week and was talking to her about the concept of living a life where she could choose the feelings she wanted to experience so she could take control of her life and it’s direction.

To her this concept was an alien one. She believed her feelings were automatic and therefore out of her control.

She told me this idea was impossible.

I then started to talk to her about how she had been living. Her fears around ‘trust’ had meant she had been living in her head. Going round and round in circles with no real solution. She used alcohol and friends to get off this vicious cycle, but that fix was always temporary.

I explained to her that by living in her head she was trapped with her fears and this was not who she really was. [Read more...]

“Thank you for not giving up on me…”

These were the words from a woman that months before swore blind that her marriage was dead. She was thanking her husband for not giving up the fight to save his relationship and family.

Months before she sat in my office telling me that she would explore the relationship, but her mind was made up, she wasn’t in love with her husband and she had to leave.

She also presented a relationship history that essentially said she never really loved him and she had made a mistake marrying him.

To him this was a total contradiction of his experience, he even bought up letters and cards of love that she had written to him over the years. She denied any of it was real and she was playing a part. [Read more...]

Vulnerability is it a Strength or a Weakness?

Today I’m going to talk about vulnerability. For many this word equals weakness, but if understood could it really free a persons life and become their biggest source of strength?

Many people will do all they can to avoid being vulnerable and the way they achieve this is by creating a self-inflicted numbness within themselves.

So if a person is feeling vulnerable in a relationship they will find a way to numb themselves so they can avoid the emotional pain of feeling vulnerable.

We see vulnerability avoidance in a relationship when two people love each other and they are both fearful of saying it first. We see vulnerability avoidance when a person wants sex, but is fearful of being rejected. We seen vulnerability avoidance in those not wanting a new relationship after a painful break-up. It’s all around us being practised every day. [Read more...]

As a young man I had never questioned this idea before…

One of the most fundamental and foundational philosophies that will lead us to our future good or bad, is the power our thoughts can have over the quality of our lives and the direction it ultimately takes.

What I discovered changed my life forever and I wanted to share this with you today. A persons thinking actually has the power to create the life they end up living.

This was the kind of information that kept me awake at night until I had fully understood what it meant and how it really worked. You see I was just as skeptical as the next person, but I never believed I knew everything so I was keen to seek out what I didn’t know.

In fact today I enter every situation with the philosophy of, “…what don’t I know?” [Read more...]

I’m Stuck Do I Divorce Or Not?

I have noticed an interesting trend. More and more individuals are coming asking for my advice alone. They are telling me they can see that I’m consistently helping couples rebuild seemingly dead marriages and want my thoughts on their situation.

Many are in a marriage that has not been working for a while and they have been in a few minds about staying, getting help, or divorcing.

The reason they are in this place is many and varied, but something is blocking them from understanding their situation with enough clarity to take decisive action. For some their situation is very clear from their friends perspective, but even so, none of the options feel right, so they are stuck.

London Lawyers very often [Read more...]

She nearly lost a perfectly good marriage

The reason for sharing this post today is because many individuals leave their marriage and regret it later when it’s far too late to get it back. The impact on themselves and their family is destructive.

They think what they feel at the point they decide to leave the marriage is what they will still feel later and this is their illusion.

When a person really takes the time to understand why their thinking is leading them to want to leave the relationship, they are very likely to discover far more than they were consciously aware of.

This couple were married for over 15 years and everyone thought they were a great couple. He knew the relationship wasn’t great, but was not aware of how bad it had become for her. She loved him as a friend, but she longed for that youthful spark again, the fun, the passion, the hope of new adventures and surprises. She was a good mum, but she wanted to feel like a woman again.

She didn’t want an affair, but she knew she wanted more from her life of love. [Read more...]

Is your dynamic set up for love or disaster?

Is your dynamic designed for a life of love, or is your dynamic leading you to problems you could never have foreseen? Very smart and intelligent individuals such as GP’s, Business leaders, QC’s to name a few are falling foul of this hidden information in their relationship so you can forgive yourself for not knowing. 

So a professional ability to be successful is not an indicator of creating a successful life of love. Like everything in this world to become successful at anything it has to be learnt and relationships are no different.

The thinking that suggests relationships should just happen is a real myth and so as you scan the information below you’ll start to understand why and how important it is to learn how to take control not only of the direction you are both going, but how you both show up on the journey through life together.

So when I talk about dynamic what do I actually mean.  [Read more...]

Emotional detachment – A hidden danger for couples!

Many couples that come for help tell me that their friends have no idea they are having serious marriage troubles. Yet the problems they face are very common and are today affecting many couples.

For many years most of those couples were having problems, but were not aware of how serious they were, because at that moment in time no one was wanting to get out of the relationship.

For these couples life seemed fine, not perfect, but who’s life is perfect anyway? So they accept the little problems as they work hard to become the best parents and best providers they can be. [Read more...]

I want to tell you a story…

This story is about a couple that had been married for many years, their marriage had it ups and downs. Both people were very successful, both were committed to their marriage, but had years of disconnection followed by reconnection and it cycled through these stages. They assumed this was normal and it was normal if the end of their relationship was the goal? 

Of course like many couples they didn’t want to split up it was never a thought yet they were living an illusion that what they had was going to last forever.

Both were attractive people and had the opportunity of affairs over the years yet both stayed true, year after year.

Their depth of love was deep, but they had lost their passion for each other. They had focused their passion in to their work, children, interests. [Read more...]

Are you trying to change your husband?

In this case I don’t mean for a different one, what I mean is do you find yourself trying to control him (to be your version of better man) because he doesn’t do what you think he should do?

If you do try to help him to be your version of better man. If this is your goal have you noticed that he is naturally turning into the man you wanted, or are you finding the he is becoming more detached and uncaring?

Has not trusting him to get the promotion, drive the way you do, look after the kids the way you do, has any of those types of behaviours turned him into the man you can look up to?

OR…

Has he become just one of the children for you just another person to look after? Do you find he no longer attractive to you and do you wish he would just man up? [Read more...]

They felt their marriage was dead but they were keen to learn the truth

Last year I was working with a couple who were struggling to connect with each other and it looked on the surface that the relationship was actually dead.

In fact it was dead the way they were running it. They came to me wanting to see if it could be fixed, she was not that hopeful, she felt he was too selfish and she had made a mistake marrying him.

I had to help them discover the truth and help them understand their beliefs about each other and the relationship.

So I explored what the start of the relationship was like.

When they met she loved the potential in him she could see the growth potential and the security that would provide, but she also loved his sense of freedom and passion in his interests. He seemed like the full package so getting married was easy. [Read more...]

Relationship Principles for Success

If you don’t want your partner to attach bad feelings to you then these will help avoid resentment stacking, a major cause of relationship problems. Please don’t just read them, knowledge is only powerful if you actually take action and apply it to your life.

Some of these my seem wrong to you, they are designed very carefully so please feel free to challenge them in the comments below.

  • Relationships are created they don’t just happen.
  • Relationships are built through contributing and meeting your partners core needs.
  • Relationship that focus on contribution (giving) creates the deepest bond as time passes
  • Make sure that you consistently give more of what your partner needs than you get.
  • Whatever you want more of in your relationship give and be more of that.
  • Never make your relationship about you… [Read more...]

I’m so sick of this…

One of the challenges couples face is when a partner brings what they call facts to the table and their partner disagrees. The couple can ping-pong and escalate out of control as both fight their corner.

So to be clear the persons feelings about what they are communicating will be true, but the facts as they communicate them will be perceptual based on many filters all humans use to create meaning.

Please remember that our mind is not a voice and video recorder.

If 100 people watch the same movie each person will create their own meaning and experience. This means we have 100 perceptions of the same fact. [Read more...]

A small shift of focus created a different world for her.

Knowing how to repair a relationship when it goes wrong is critical for any couples survival and is the responsibility of both people in the relationship. To do this you have to understand your partner, how they think, how they translate information and what’s important to them.

This lady needed all this information and more to be able to get through to her partner. She needed to be able to connect with him, but didn’t know how.

At the point of writing to me she had only spoken to me once over the phone she was pregnant and very fearful.

These are her words

I contacted Stephen after we had been seeing a counsellor for almost a year and she left the company which meant our weekly sessions stopped. Within two weeks of her leaving my partner and I had separated (I.E. He moved out). [Read more...]

Part two: How to save a marriage from divorce

Welcome to step two in my how to save a marriage from divorce series.

Step two: Save Your Marriage From Divorce

The second step is to help the individuals grasp how by changing focus from loving their partner to protecting themselves from their partner they actually changed the direction of their marriage without knowing.

You see if our focus is consistent in any direction, or belief, it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, we will create feelings that help us feel our focus is true.

So if you focus on pulling love away for long enough you will lose feelings of love. If you feel your partner is not romantic then you will stop being romantic and so you won’t feel it. If you think you partner doesn’t care you will stop caring about them. [Read more...]

Where do our emotions come from and can we control them?

The short answer to this question is we create our emotions and yes we can control them if you want to. I know many of the skeptics will now want proof, so I will do my best to explain in this post.

Whatever you feel, you are the creator of that feeling. No one (thankfully) has the power to get inside our heads and give us our feelings, although some may want to try. If you think people can make you feel certain things then this is for you.

Whatever is happening around us, or to us, does not create our feelings. We have to use our brain to translate what is happening in our world into something that makes sense to us. [Read more...]