She Hadn’t Seen Her Children For Years – “Fear had me paralyzed!”

This lady was very stuck, so stuck her own fears were stopping her fighting to see her own children. Now years had passed and her fear had grown.

To help her I knew I had to help her see her problem differently, in a way which would dissolve her fears and put her back in control of what she could control – her own actions!

After years she has now made contact with her daughter, a wonderful gift at the start of 2012

These are her words….

Life Coaching with Stephen Hedger:

Testimonial from an Anonymous Mother in a Foreign Land

How do I express the extent and depth of Stephen’s capabilities in assisting with the reversal of destroyed relationships?

I’m not talking about marriage in this case. I’m talking about myself as a mother agonizing for years over the estrangement of my young-adult children.  Fear had me paralyzed.  Lack of insight and wisdom had me continually groping while remaining hopeless and buried in on-going anguish.

When Stephen started working with me recently, he began by asking simple yet telling questions that, answered thoroughly and honestly, would probe the depths of my pain and shame.  I decided to answer thoroughly and honestly.

Stephen went right to work.  He delved into letting me know what life has been like for my children, what goes on in their minds, what is at stake and how I need to respond.  I have wondered more than once if he’s psychic.  Uncanny.

This relationship work is hard.  It takes so much courage.  But it is no longer impossible and hopeless.  There is ground being gained and the first signs of hope and relief have appeared.  I still walk in fear, yet it is being steadily replaced with determination and empowerment and positive, effective thinking and action.

For the first time I believe strongly that I will get my children back, that they will eventually be healed and whole.

Thank you, Stephen, for going through the fire with me and holding my hand throughout.  It takes so much fortitude, courage, vision and generosity of spirit to do what you do.  You are saving lives by diving in where it is most dark and dreary and then somehow bringing forth light, strength and belief.

You bring smokescreens to the surface and expose them for what they are.  You get to the heart of the pain and provide a platform from which to work.  I now have the attitude that I will get my children back or die trying.

All our lives depend on it.

FEARS: The Single Most Destructive Element In Relationships.

Fears change people, fears help people behave in ways that contradict how they would behave if the fear was not present. In fact fears help people act in ways which are the total opposite of who they really are at core. A kind loving gentle person can act the total opposite when a fear gets triggered.

It’s like they have totally changed, almost like they are not the same person.

When couples are going through relationship problems what they both experience is the fear version of their partner at play. It can feel like their partner has totally changed from the person you know and love. If the fear happening to you and is strong enough, it can feel like you feel different, almost disconnected in some way. [Read more...]

What Happened To Our Playful Passion?

When couples experience challenges in their relationship one of the first things to die is their intimacy and with it goes the fun and the playful passionate side of their relationship.

Is this where you are? If it is, then you will have a strong feeling that life is not how it is meant to be. You know things have to change, but maybe you’re stuck not knowing what to change.

In my session I see couples in trouble every day and what I consistently see is their spark has gone, there is little fun or joy in the relationship. Life has become very serious and the only place to get any kind of joy or fun is now outside of the relationship with friends family or at work.

Intimacy is the difference between being just good friends or lovers. If you are in a relationship then being just good friends is not going to be enough. So the goal has to be to get the intimacy back and for that to happen the playful passion has to be there.

The hurdles to getting the playful passion back

There are two key things that have to happen if you are going to get you relationship back on track.

The first is understanding

When the individuals in the relationship don’t feel understood then they start to feel fear in the relationship. Both men and women can feel this, but for totally different reasons.

Fundamentally men and women communicate differently and so the translation of each others words can be totally different to what was intended.

Men and women also experience the world differently too, we are designed for totally different things so our perspectives are different.

So with so many differences in gender combined with totally different histories is not difficult to understand why couple fail to understand each other.

So the goal is to understand each other and to do it without judgement, a lot of couple have the misconception they are qualified to judged each other, of course they are not.

The second key element is meeting each other needs

In every session I have with couples when the needs are not being met in the relationship the relationship will have stopped growing and will be dying on some level.

Of course if the couple don’t understand each other (the first step) then the desire to meet each others needs st0ps being important. If the desire to meet each other needs goes, now the individuals stop seeing each other as a source of pleasure and are in the process of seeing each other as a source of pain.

This puts a serious spin on the relationship and fear is now the focus, a far cry from the playful passion we are all after.

So now the problem is escalating and moving the couple away from the playful passion they once shared.

Without the understanding the couple needs to feel safe with each other, combined with the lack of desire the couple now feels to meet each others needs, resentment is now sat in the relationship.

If that resentment stays for too long it will turn into a lack of respect and from here the relationship is vulnerable to many destructive paths.

Now you understand the path to success and the importance of getting this right, what are you going to do? Wait for your relationship to die or are you going to take control?

Remember when you act understand what you are trying to achieve and what feelings are you wanting your partner to attach to you?

Punishing and making your partner wrong will help them to move further away from you.

Just maybe they are as fearful as you, maybe they too have good intentions, but are just lost with how to make this work just like you.

If you need my help you know what to do…

My Partner Doesn’t Understand Me!?

We can all feel at times that our partners just don’t understand us. We watch as they try to make sence of what we have done or said and come up with a totally different meaning to the one we meant. We watch as they become disappointed, or upset at what we never meant. Plus it doesn’t seem to matter how many times we repeat, that’s not what I meant, or that not what I said they refuse to listen.

We can start to worry that our partners will never understand us…

The result is we feel frustrated, angry and upset, because what to us is clear communication, to them is clearly not getting through.

Couples across the world are experiencing this strange phenomena where even through we speak the same language in our case english we feel that we may as well be speaking another.

Heartfelt understanding is the key

One of the starting points of any session with me is for couples to learn how to create this understanding. Through our own experience of the world growing up we create a map which helps us make sence of how the world works. That map is 100% unique to us, others do not share our map or the experiences that made up our map.

So based on one person map, what seems obvious to them, may not be so true for others.

So what makes up someones map? The map is the some total of all our experiences and beliefs from our time on this planet. So you and your partner will have totally different experiences of what equals normal and from this create very unique needs.

Plus your map is experienced through your state at any given time, so an event is understood through your map of how the world works, but if you are sad, angry, frustrated depressed your experience through your map will also change.

Now add in your gender

Our gender is also a big part of our map and how we experience the world. If you are female you are more likely to be fearful day-to-day, men don’t experience this. If you are female your core needs structure in the way you experience the world will be different. If you get angry with your partner what you really want is to be loved, men don’t feel this way through anger.

If your man gets present with you and you can feel his love through his presence it fills you up inside. Men don’t have this experience hence after dating they stop and this creates feeling of being disconnected, this creates fear.

If a man feels he cannot please his partner this to him is a living hell, she doesn’t feel this way.

When she screams at him to “go away I hate you!” what she means is “don’t leave I love you, I just feel scared!”.

When he runs away or gets angry or frustrated it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it means he is in so much pain at his clear failure to make you happy.

You see when you put your understanding of how the world works when communicating with others you only experience one truth. In any situation there are hundreds of truths.

Feeling not enough

Many of us have this feeling at some point in our lives this becomes part of our map. It most likely comes from our parents through years of feeling that what we did or said was never good enough on some level. BUT think about it for you did they ever tell you, you were not good enough, or was it you that created that meaning?

You see if we are to really understand our world and those we love we have to get the perspectives that will serve us.

In this case an event which is meaningless until WE give it a meaning, such as the behaviours of others is only given a meaning by us through our experience of our lives so far. We are the ones giving the world meaning.

IMPORTANT:

As we grow up we forget we are the creators of our own experience and so we become our own creations from those experiences. Through this misunderstanding of ourselves we lose control of our own understanding of ourselves this creates our fears and we live distorted lives.

By learning how you create meanings to your experience puts you back in the position of being the creator again and back to true you. From this place you have less fear, and are more open to wanting to learn about how your partner works without judgement.

This is the place where understanding can be yours, and you can be truly connected with you.

So if you feel that

  • My boyfriend doesn’t understand me
  • My husband doesn’t understand me
  • My girlfriend doesn’t understand me
  • My wife doesn’t understand me

Know that there is far more to what you feel than meets the eye.

How to mend a broken heart?

Those suffering from relationship heart break will experience emotional and physical pain through the trauma of losing someone they loved, through them leaving and chosing a new life.  The victims will run questions over and over in their minds searching for a solution to their pain.

Why did it happen, What did I do wrong? How could they do this to me? They promised to be with me forever? How could I have not noticed? I must be a failure? I’m a bad partner? He or she tricked me? How could I be so stupid? I should have done more….! This list of torment goes on and on.

Individuals get taken over with feelings ranging from worthlessness to anger, from humiliation to feeling unlovable from abandonment, rejection to deep depression and some to suicidal thoughts.

Both men and women can have a desire more emotionally powerful than almost any other to find away to get their partner back.

Some know that getting their partner back is impossible, or they have no desire to go down that road again, however they still have feelings of love for them yet no where to put those feelings.

Some just feel stuck not knowing what they want all they know is they are experiencing a hurt they never want to experience again.

So how do you heal a broken heart?

How to you mend the heart of someone who is in so much pain? Some just get active, they make life changes, some block their emotions, some get another partner fast.

What I find that works best is understanding the truth, or getting as close as we can to it.

The purpose is to put the person back in control of their life and their emotions. The experiencing feeling out of control and this is very frightening and if not understood can emotionally block that person for years to come.

Once the person has understood their role in their relationship break up then the job is to build their confidence in themselves by teaching them how they work and how they can take control of themselves and their future lives.

This process is very powerful because they not only understand how they work but they understand what to look for in future partners.

They learn how to communicate with themselves in new ways and this empowers them to see the world and how others behave in new ways.

A broken heart can be mended and the person can learn the right way to heal themselves step-by-step.

No one is out of control they just feel they are because life, parents and society has not taught them how. This doesn’t mean it’s not possible it means that education is needed.

Needy Controlling Partners

Why are some people so needy in relationships? Why does the relationship have to revolve all around them?  Is your partner controlling your relationship and have you let them, through your behaviours? Why does a person have to control their relationship and partner?

The answer is simple FEAR!…

…Plus historic conditioning

It is important to be aware when a person in a relationship is more concerned with what they are not getting rather than what they can contribute to the relationship. Sometimes the control is obvious and sometimes is is so subtle is can be confusing and makes you question yourself.

A person who wants to take from the relationship is usually unaware that they fear not getting their needs met such as “love” and the more they “take” the less they eventually get as resentment sets in. This creates more controlling behaviours.

So they end up with control strategies designed to manipulate their partner to feel that they have no choice, but to support them all be it in low level ways. Strategies could be…

Controlling behaviours such as

  • Passive aggression
  • Self Harm
  • Depression
  • Anger
  • Withholding love
  • Controlling time & money
  • Obsessive compulsive
  • Controlling realities
  • Behaviour blame – you made me do it!
  • Putting your partner down
  • Rejecting
  • Negative body language
  • plus unexplained illnesses to name a few. They will control whatever they can to get what they need, even if their need is met in low quality ways.

Needy controlling partners can put a significant strain on any relationship!

So do you think your partner is too needy are you being controlled?

Why do you think they are this way, has their been a change in the relationship? Have they always been this way?

You see, when fear(s) drives behaviours problems will follow!

The biggest challenge is when the person in fear refuses to acknowledge they have a problem and fear is driving them to destroy the relationship, they are so blind to what’s going on they carry on even as things are getting worse.

In the process of making everything about them they will tell you, you are the selfish one. They will reflect the problem they have back on to you.

This makes the situation feel totally impossible you love you partner, but you know the relationship will die if it carries on this way.

Does any of this strike a chord with you? Are you fed up of being emotionally used and battered?

Do you want to get to the bottom of your partners controlling needy behaviours?

  • If so please get in touch, help is at hand


I’m constantly in fear of losing him…

Whats interesting about this message is, that the focus on losing him will make losing him a possibility. If you are in this place, or you know of  a friend who has this worry the best way to help is through understanding.

Have a think about these words

  • How attractive is the person that is always worrying?
  • The person worrying is likely to be very behaving differently from the happy version of her
  • Controlling behaviours are very likely
  • Loss of emotional control through fear
  • Maybe looking for proof he will go

You see the best way to keep your man is to become an amazing you, if you worry and focus negatively you become internally focused and on a search for more  problems. Of course you will find them which will help you to worry more. In this place you will want to protect you, and so you may pull your love away just in case, of course he feels this and will start to feel he is failing you.

  • Your focus on your problems is helping him to feel bad about himself, if this goes on for too long he will attach those bad feeling to you.

The best way to keep your partner is to change your focus from worry about losing him to a new question focused on keeping him. What kind of man does my husband or partner want to be, and what kind of behaviours in a woman would he find attractive?

You only have to look back to your dating days to find answers…

What I am saying is switch your focus to becoming an amazing you. The fearful you is hurting you both. Your mission is to create a new confident you one that understands your own needs, one that knows how to give herself what she needs and is then free to fearlessly give to her partner what he needs.

The focus of this new woman is on growth and contribution, her focus is on where she is going and who she wants to be, so she feels safe to give.

If you are interested to learn more about how to stop negative behaviours and build confidence please get in touch today.

Can you explain this…?

These are just a fraction of the messages that come into my sessions each week, and I just wonder if you can explain how these behaviours are possible, is it temporary madness? Or is there more to it, what do you think?

  • How is it possible for a man to scream out of control at his wife even though he says he loves her?
  • How is it possible for a woman to self harm when she feels scared she won’t be loved?
  • How is it possible for a woman to not say a word when her husband upsets her even if depression becomes her result?
  • How is it possible for a woman to be close to suicide after her partner leaves her?
  • How is it possible for a man to think that being right is more important than saving his marriage?
  • How is it possible for a man to run away from his relationship every time things get tough?
  • How is it possible for a man or a woman to seeminly change personality almost over night?
  • How is it possible for a man to see his wife in pain, yet make her pain all about him?
  • How is it possible for a man to punish his wife and expect her to feel more love for him?
  • How is it possible for a man to complain that he can’t bear his wife shouting at him and if it carries on he will leave, yet when I ask how often this happen he says once a year?
  • How is it possible for a woman to keep nagging knowing that it never works, but keeps on regardless?
  • How is it possible for couple to know their relationship is in trouble, but bury their heads in the sand?
  • How is it possible that woman feel so scared to become vulnerable and feminine?
  • How is it possible when problems happen sad people get sadder, depressed people get more depressed, angry people get more angry, loving people connect with others, fighters find an excuse to fight?
  • How is it possible for a man to come to sessions with me to work on his marriage yet still have an affair that he said he stopped months before?
  • How is it possible for a man to believe that money is the power in his relationship?
  • How is it possible for a woman to become so masculine?
  • How is it possible for a man to be so needy, yet controling?
  • How is it possible for a woman to fear her husband is having an affair yet he has done nothing, but love her for 20 years?

Why is it this way do you know?

The answer is simple these behaviours are learnt from the persons past and are behaviours for the most, based on fear and control. These people are trying to meet their needs, but in ways that will only hurt them.

Typical causes are past heightened emotional experiences and poor role models growing up.

Every person has a different driver and different fear, but these behaviours can be devastating for those people and those that love them.

If you are experiencing these problems then please feel free to get in touch.

Relationship Conflict Management: “YOU @#**$%*> GET OUT!”

You know the situation, your blood is boiling, you are both shouting at each other, both in full flow. You can’t understand how your partner could be so stupid or selfish! In the moment you hate with a passion.

What’s interesting in these arguments is there always seems to be two totally different perspectives on the same  problem. There seems to be two truths… Really?!

How is that possible? Is someone dishonest? Are they both dishonest? Is someone playing control games? Is one party deliberately trying to hurt the other? Why can’t the couple, even agree on the basic facts?

The woman is usually thinking, why is he not understanding me? He is usually focused on the exact words and the exact events, the more he tries to prove his fact are right, the worse she feels and her anger escalates much to his frustration.

He knows he is right factually so clearly, she is has gone crazy. She can’t understand how he can be so insensitive, he is more interested in proving her wrong than helping her.

Clearly she gone mad and the men in the white van need to be called, and he’s and insensitive self centered @#**$%!

Does this happen to your relationship is this how you feel?

Would you really like these arguments  to end, because it can when you know what to do!

Now what I will say to the men here is: If your partner has become distant, has stopped complaining, is quietly going about her life day-to-day, she’s not passionate, but it’s quiet so better than the screaming version of her…right!?  WRONG!!!

This is time for you to worry! I know quiet for men equals all is well, but in female terms it means there is a massive, and I mean massive problem!

If she has stopped complaining and you know things are not right between you it means she has given up and see’s no point in communicating. She has lost trust and without trust there is no relationship.

For the women I want you to know this: No matter how many times you say what you want him to understand he will never get it, he may pay lip service to it to keep the peace, or he may shout you down, but he really will never understand.

Why is it this way?

The answer is simple, men and women communicate totally differently, unless you know how to translate emotional needs to each other in each others language you will never get through.

I have many couples that come to sessions get this and live wonderful lives together. I also work with a minority that say they want change and understand, but put no effort in, expect their partner to do all the changing and then wonder why the relationship fails again.

When your partner speaks, what is important is what their words mean to them: This is the whole point of communicating, if you put your spin on their words and then make them responsible for your interpretation, how in anyones world does that make sence.

What this means is you have to understand them and what their words really mean to them, only then will they feel heard.

Plus the words are only half the story… because she has stored up years of what he has done wrong and he seems to have developed a hearing problem.

  • Do you want to know how to get out of these vicious circles if so get in touch today!




Chronic fatigue (ME) & My Marriage Problems

Stuart was totally lost, he suffered with multiple problems, from a very traumatic past that was totally out of his control. The result meant that not only was he emotionally disconnected with his true self, but as a result his marriage was in serious crisis, and he risked losing being a father to his two year old daughter.

He was very angry with life and knew he needed help, FAST…

Stuart writes…

I initially came to Stephen as my Marriage had broken down, but this was only the tip of the iceberg, I had been suffering with Chronic fatigue (ME) for around 4 years, my Thyroid had stopped working fully many years before that and my interactions with other people at best, looking back, seemed hostile. [Read more...]

Why Do Men Cheat?

One of my clients runs a blog and she has asked this question: Why do men cheat?

Yes of course she is very aware that women cheat too, but I thought I would shed some light from my perspective as I see this every week in my sessions.

  • To make my position crystal clear: There are never any circumstances where having an affair is the right thing to do.

However the ability to judge those that do is impossible, because there are so many reasons why people do it. The assumption is the person having the affair is a dreadful person, it’s not alway as cut and dried as you would think.

My biggest message to all couples is this: [Read more...]

Confidence Coaching

Feeling out of control of your life is a terribly scary place to be. People can feel out of control in so many ways helping them to feel depressed, powerless, worthless they could feel unloved, depressed, anxious.

These feelings all can lead someone to feel unable to make decisions that make sence so they live in a place that helps them to feel stuck.

People can start to feel that whatever they choose they will feel unhappy and so feelings of hopelessness start to take over.

This can happen at work, in relationships, with family in fact in almost any life condition that is import to the person.

How can a person have confidence in their ability to make a decision, if they have a history of bad decisions. Or maybe they think they have done everything right, yet the result has always felt bad for them.

  • Living this way can really knock a persons confidence. [Read more...]

Happiness How Does It Happen?

Most of us want happiness, we want to feel the way we want to feel in all parts of our life. But how does happiness really happen? Is it something we need to wait for, or is it something we create?

If you have decided to wait for happiness then what happens if it doesn’t turn up? What happens if happiness is not due to show up for 5 years? What if happiness forgets to come?

What if happiness does not happen this way what if happiness is down to you? What if the best way to happiness is if you take control and become the creator of your happiness.

What if you decide to learn and master the art of happiness? [Read more...]

What Will Ruin Your Relationships & Empty Your Wallet?

These are the focuses of the mind that you need to make your enemy before they take control of you.

Indifference: This will put you on any path that comes along, from here you are out of control drifting though life, fingers crossed something will change. Of course things will change, you’ll be older and drifting.

Indecision: Will steal from you the opportunities that present themselves to you, it will even stop you looking for what you really need.

Doubt: Not everything is this world is going to be good for you, but if you let doubt become apart of you, where you doubt everything including yourself then trouble is going to be yours.

Worry: The process of worry is designed to tell you something has to change. If all you do is worry and take no action for growth then you become the the worry, at that point it’s really time to worry, because now you’re really stuck. [Read more...]

Emotional intelligence the key to happiness

If you desire happiness and fulfillment in your life, what is it, that will really create the difference for you?

The starting point is this: If you do not understanding how you work prepare yourself for pain. If you want a relationship and you don’t understand how you work prepare yourself for massive pain.

  • Why do you think the way you do?
  • Why do you behave the way you do?
  • Why do the same things create different reactions on different days for you?

The biggest problem most people face and I see this in all my sessions is my clients are under the illusion that what they think is true, or a fact.

I can tell you now that most of what you think and feel is due to conditioning from society, and this conditioning has hypnotised people how to think and behave. [Read more...]

Are You Stuck In Your Old Story?

A young lady came to me this week stuck in her past, she had become depressed because she couldn’t get over how she had been treated by her ex. He had left her for another woman and with no money. Her ex was still with the same woman 2.5 years later and was living a wonderful life and now planning a family.

Meanwhile she was stuck depressed and full of resentment for how he treated her, she wanted to forget him, but felt that she couldn’t.

She was so traumatised by what had happened she had stayed stuck for 2.5 years. Fed up of life always feeling so bad she called me. [Read more...]

Why & How Do We Get Stuck in Destructive Life Patterns?

The answer is because we are not aware we have created them, and those that are affected end up with an illusion of truth that only creates misery or poor quality lives, lives that have no purpose or fulfillment… This is important to know because it could be happening to you, or someone you love…

Have you ever felt stuck in your life? No matter what you do, did you end up feeling bad, or you feel that something is wrong, but you don’t know how to change it, is this happening to you?

Have you ever thought that the reason you are stuck is because you get some thing good from being in this stuck place. Maybe you have a partner friend or family member who is also stuck.

  • Please note that everyone that is stuck gets something good from being stuck, that’s why they are still there. [Read more...]

Relationship Master Skill SIX of SEVEN

Master Skill Six is critical and it is probably the most consistently under used skill that couples need to master fast if their relationship is to stand a chance.

I want you to first imagine two children a boy (Andrew) and a girl (Sarah), in the future they are destined to meet, fall in love and get married.

BUT their journey to the point of meeting was a very different experience.

Andrew was brought up in a family that was full of anger and resentment. His father was submissive, he worked hard as a carpenter, but at home Andrews mother was the strong one and ruled the  family. It was a very strict environment

Sarah had a very different childhood, her parents were loving giving and they focused all their time on traveling as much as they could with their children even at a young age. Freedom, love and peace was their focus. [Read more...]

Honesty is the best policy!? – Really?

Did your mother always tell you “honesty is the best policy” she is right BUT, here is the bit she missed out. There are many truths in any situation and your relationship and your life is no different. My question to you is which truth are you feeding yourself, in fact which truth are you so focused on that even you now believe your own hype?

Many people become stuck because they are so focused on all that is wrong, they have done this for so long it becomes a part of them, almost home.

As you know there are many ways to experience a situation, and your experiences are based on meanings that you create. 100 people in your situation would feel totally differently to you. Practice feeling bad  enough and the meanings you give to your experiences will become automatic and then feel normal, you dislike how you feel but this is now you.

These bad feelings actually become part of you, some will even defend their feelings and even feel like giving up blaming the whole world for an awful life.

You will then believe that how you feel is real, and it is, but only on the back of what you have focused on constantly that has enabled how you feel today to be possible.

So you can choose to be honest with yourself about how you now feel about your life, or your relationship and how it’s not how it should be and that’s why you feel so dreadful every day…

…or you can choose to be really honest and look for other truths that will help you see how amazing life can be if only you stopped searching for what’s wrong and focused on getting control of you, and your life.

As soon as you do this what you will notice is you kick your mind into searching for how to get you to a far better place.

Relationships, money, careers etc… You can plan what you want far easier from a place of hope than from a place of despair. So if you have just realised that it’s you that’s has created your own despair what do you now want to do.

There are as you can see, many truths make sure you don’t get caught up in the one that hurts you and makes your life as it is today, and makes it permanent.

What is love?

It’s interesting that so many people use the word love yet when challenged have no real explanation for what it really means. Yet we long to hear those words, especially from those we care about.

So when a couple in crisis communicates words like “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” the recipient is usually left confused. What does he or she mean?

I remember asking a group of ladies if their version of love was different to their partners how would that feel. The body language was very telling as all the women looked uncomfortable as they shifted instantly in their seats.

Love is one of those powerful words we all seem to accept yet struggle to really understand.

What you’ll notice is that love is a direct link to powerful emotions that sit inside us.  So the feelings of love are created by us and we attach those feelings to what is helping us to feel good about ourselves usually our partners. Those specific feelings are unique to us.

What we feel and how we get to love is different in all of us. Some people can only connect to love if they feel significant or secure. These people will struggle because they will not feel secure or significant all the time. So their connection to love is intermittent for them, this is scary and so they test the relationship, become very demanding or overly control in some way.

These people can be so demanding that they destroy the love they fear losing.

So the more someone can help us to feel great about ourselves in the way we want them to, in the context of them, the higher the chances of us having feelings of love for them.

This is why so many couples struggle to maintain their love for each other, as time goes on they stop helping their partner to feel amazing about themselves.

The love the couple felt inside then starts to fade, but they are confused, because they remember feeling powerful love in the context of their partner. So even though they don’t feel good they stay and find other ways to feel good again.

This is why they say “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” They are telling the truth, they used to feel love, but today they don’t.

The question is, ‘can this be changed?’ The simple answer is yes, but it’s easier if both people want to bring the love back.

As you can see getting to love is complex and is further confused by nature who has designed us to have instant feelings of love (so we are driven to procreate) that are so powerful that we feel love for people who we are massively attracted hence the huge sexual drive in the early days months of our relationships.

But of course nature never intended us to then live together, but society has conditioned us that we should.
Without this knowledge life long commitments can be made with people who we were never designed to spend our lives with.

All of this is the reason why getting to know us and how we work is critical before we embark on life long relationships. Because if we learn to love ourselves and give ourselves all we need then a life partner becomes a value-add to our lives.

We then know at this stage how to create relationship boundaries that are designed for success and love can then flow without fear, this is called unconditional love…

…and unconditional love is what we all desire.