Self Control Or Out Of Control

Are you out of control? Is the world responsible for not giving you the life you think you deserve? Clients come to me with a massive range of personal and relationship problems. One of the questions I ask is how do they create their own feelings.

So if a client has anger, or depression, or a fear, the question is…/h3>

  • How do they do depression?
  • How do they create anger?
  • What has to happen for fear to be possible?
  • What has to happen within them for those states to be possible?

Are you in control of your life or do you live constantly in reaction out of control?

Many people feel that situations create their feelings or someone else makes them feel a certain way, if this were a fact then if 100 people were subjected to the same situation they would all feel exactly the same way. Of course this is not possible because 100 people would experience something totally different no matter what was presented to them.

So this means that all individuals create totally unique experiences, and so their feelings and emotional responses are created by them, and not by the external event.

So when someone is shouting at you “YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY” you know that it is their interpretation of what you have done that has created a version of them that is angry at you. You did not create the anger within them, they did.

  • Do you really believe that you are so out of control that someone else has the power to control you? Or is the real truth that you are allowing them to control you? Because that’s a big difference.

Whilst people are in these poor states, if you tell them that they are responsible for how they feel it usually results in a negative response. However once they see this to be true then they start to see that if they are creating their emotions and responses then maybe there is a possibility that they can control them.

This then sets them free from all of their suffering as they start to practice the reverse of what has been making them feel so bad.

How To Stop Arguing?

The first step to stopping your arguments is to understand why you have them. Because what we feel is so automatic and feels so real, the understanding of what’s really happening with you both takes time to digest, however…

…once you understand what is really going on, you will hear what people say in a whole new light, that also puts you back in control of you and your emotions.

Arguments erupt out of situations where we feel that something is wrong, and so out of frustration we aggressively communicate to our partners our perspective on how we feel about what they have said or done, or not said and done.

  • The question is this: Is how we feel about what our partners have said or done actually true or are we out of control and living in reaction out of fear?

The second step is to understand that it is our translation of a situation that we created that helps us to feel good or bad.

Any situation has potentially hundreds of meanings. If we choose to focus on the worst meaning, or the meaning which suggests that our partners intentions were to hurt us, or they are not trust worthy, then you’ll have a fight on your hands. Because they will aggressively defend their position.

Arguments go round in circles

Couples arguments can go round in circle with this. This is because what started the argument gets lost into a fight over what was actually said. This is a fight over actual words and intent verses translated meanings and distorted intent.

So in short if we are feeling bad about something our partner has said and done, or not said and done then our assumptions of those situations have created the meanings which limit the possibility of hundreds of other meanings.

This would suggest a mind reading ability and you are so in tune with them that you understand the intention behind everything they say and do.

Some of the possible meanings will be bad and some of the meanings will be good. So in the context of creating meanings, facts no longer exist and so whatever you think is true has more chances of being wrong.

Understanding the intention behind your partners words is your key to stopping your arguments.

So the next time your partner does something which you instantly think is wrong STOP AND THINK! Was their intention to hurt me? If you still think is was then find out for sure never assume.

Remember it’s you that translates their words into a meaning, and so its the meanings you have created that  equals they cannot be trusted. Obviously if you believe your partner can’t be trusted on some level you are going to feel bad inside. But be crystal clear that it is you that created that meaning and the emotions that then followed.

Are You A Victim Of Mind Tricks In Your Relationship

Beware because you might be a victim of mind tricks in your relationship created by YOU.

Yes your mind can play tricks on you and this can be destructive to your relationship. I’ll give you an example…

…when we experience something in our lives we convert that event into a meaning. The meaning we give that event is based on our unique and personal life experiences up to that moment, our values, our state at that moment in time and many other filters.

So when an event happens, the meaning we give to any situation is 100% unique to us. No one else will ever have the same experience. This means that an experience and the meaning we give it is purely a perception from one perspective.

The meaning we give an event is therefore not a fact, it is not true, it is not real, it’s simply a perspective. The problem is what we believe in the moment feels very real and so we react to an experience as if the meaning we give the experience is 100% real and true and therefore a fact.

How this works to hurt a relationship

Lets say you have a value such as RESPECT. If you get respect from others then you feel good, if you don’t you’ll feel bad.

The problem happens when you don’t show yourself RESPECT and you don’t give respect to others. We have to give ourselves what we value before we can give to to others if happiness is our goal. When we give ourselves our core values and we then give those things we value to others then we feel great inside, about ourselves.

  • If we don’t do this we automatically feel bad inside about ourselves and this is what creates problems.

A couple in conflict will have their internal filters set to always look for problems. So what happens is they are in states that will not allow them to make decisions and create behaviours that support themselves, or their relationship.

  • They end up disrespecting themselves and their partner. This makes them feel terrible inside, but because it happens so fast, they don’t understand why they feel bad and so they make their partner responsible for the bad feelings that they just created.

Now imagine if both people in a relationship are practising doing this and with critical foundation values such as TRUST, HONESTY, SECURITY and many, many more.

  • What happens is the couple and the relationship deteriorate and so they blame each other.

The longer the individuals in the relationship have this distorted view of their relationship, the more stuck they both feel so they can conclude the relationship is over.

If the couple can be shifted to a new state of mind and given a fresh perspective on their experiences then this challenges their belief system and so the relationship no longer feels so desperate.

The fact that others have the power to make us feel things is an illusion that creates fear within us

The truth is no one makes us feel anything, we create our own emotions. If we believe others have power over us to control us this alone can create a state of fear. So knowing you are in control, actually puts you back in control of YOU.

The goal is then to understand you and how you work so you can always be happy no matter what.

How To Regain & Build Trust In A Relationship

One of the biggest challenges any couple is crisis faces is how to regain trust in a relationship. The couple have spent so many years practicing how to not trust their partner they can use just their partners presence as a direct anchor to pain which can set them both up to fail without knowing.

This is not something they do on purpose to be difficult it’s an automatic response where just the sight of their partner can generate a fear response deep inside them.

Trust becomes impossible

If both people in the couple are doing this the consequences can be devastating for the relationship, because they can both go in to places of fear which creates a shut down in their ability to positively grow the relationship.

In this place the woman can become aggressive, masculine and seemingly unreasonable to the man. The man can either run physically or mentally or he may bully his partner so he can win the argument.

So in real terms whilst the couple have a strong desire to fix any problems they may have, the powerful combination of visual, auditory and emotional anchors to their partner causing them pain, can trigger a total inability to be reasonable, to listen, or to see the world from their partner perspective and all they can see is trouble no matter what their partner says.

Empathy and heartfelt understanding is critical for any couple wanting a resolution to their problems and specifically to build and regain trust again, but from a place of fear it’s impossible.

The longer these anchors to pain go on the more powerful they become and the more impossible the couple find getting to any kind of resolution.

How to regain trust in a relationship

The goal is to help the couple collapse these triggers so they can no longer see their partner as a the route of their pain. When they do this they both can then go to a place which is less fearful and out of control and from here trust can be rebuilt.

When the individuals discovers how to take control of their own emotions and behaviours they become stronger and in a far better place to enable a positive contribution to each others growth and success.

If this is where you are please get in touch today.

Do You Self Sabotage? Let’s find out…

Why is it so many of us get into such a muddle with our lives and our relationships? The reason is, because we can self sabotage our own lives without knowing.

  • Of course there are many reason how and why we do this, but one action does stand out to cause all sorts of problems.

If you are having a bad time at the moment you may discover that you spend along time focused inwardly on your thoughts and your feelings. You focus on what’s wrong, you focus on your problems, or your feelings, or what others may be doing, or not doing that could hurt you.

You may even find you have a nagging, or aggressive voice in your head constantly working on you. Again this is more internal focus.

You may even be looking for all the ways in which your life is not the way it should be. So when you see the difference between where you are today and where you think you should be, you start to not trust your decisions. Now you can’t trust you!

  • How about if you walk past a group of people and they all start laughing. Where does your focus go, is it to what’s wrong with you (internal focus), or is on how great it is to hear people having fun (external focus).
  • How about if you ever have to speak in public, is your focus on what could go wrong (internal focus) or on making sure that those you are talking to is engaged with your words (external focus).
  • If you have ever experienced blushing one of the best ways to make yourself go as red as you can, is to focus on the fact you are going red.

Your mind will give you what you are looking for

If you spend a lot of time focused inwardly on yourself your mind has no choice but to give you what you start to look for. So if you are on a search for how to not trust your partner, then it’s very easy to find many ways.

If you look for ways in which you may not be good enough for your partner, your mind will obey and give you buckets of reasons why you are not good enough.

We are all conditioned to look for what’s wrong, we even connect with others on this level. Tell someone your problems and people will sympathise and listen to you, tell them your life is amazing and you’ll be labelled a big headed or arrogant and people will move away from you.

What’s wrong is easy to find, the challenge is to change this destructive pattern and look for what’s great in your life so your focus starts to go outside of you. What you will discover is if you practice this every day you will find so many things to be grateful for in your life.

When you do this you will start to notice your life starting to change, because you’ll start to make good decisions and you start to grow again. This is because the state of fear you were in has shifted to a state of calm and peaceful gratitude.

  • If your not growing you are standing still or dieing and neither feels great.

Persistently take control of your focus and you’ll take control of your life.

What you focus on is a choice and you can’t focus on good things and bad things at the same time, try it, it’s impossible.

  • So if that’s true I know which one I’d choose to focus on, what do you think?

Are Your Fears Destroying Your Relationship?

Everyone one has fears, and in relationships where people are out of control of what their partners could do, can experience their fears can becoming significantly magnified.

  • The most common fear is that we will on some level will not being enough for our partners!

When we feel this way we can start to change our behaviours to balance out our feelings or fears. Unfortunately the feelings of creating balance is an illusion and what really happens is a pathway to creating the very thing we fear.

For example a person who fears their partner leaving them might display some of the behaviours below.

  • This person could experience uncontrollable jealousy
  • They might become very involved in what their partner does
  • The could subject their partner to a barrage of texts, emails, phone calls
  • They could constantly seek approval or significance
  • They may even start to shut down emotionally to block our their feelings if it gets really intense

The problem with these behaviours is the person who on the receiving end of this can feel they are not trusted, and as trust is one of the key foundations of any relationship the relationship can start to feel unstable.

This results in them both acting in fear states as they can now both fear the relationship ending, or not being how it should be and so they both go into self-protection as they can no longer see a future that’s either happy or together.

In these fear states the couple can start to take control in many different ways. Unfortunately the fear states they are in does not usually create an environment of growth and so the relationship starts to die.

So the possible feelings of not being enough start to come true.

Fears can generate the total reverse of what
a relationship needs to grow and survive.

Both people can start to attach resentment to each other as they stop feeling secure. The passion will start to fade and this can be dangerous for the relationship as both parties still have needs that have to be met. They stop feeling important to each other and they feel their connection starts to fade.

Many couples will start to notice that the relationship is no longer fulfilling their needs and so they discover that they go outside of the relationship to feel good again.

  • At this point they can conclude that the relationship is no longer working.

Is this where you are? Would you like to change this? Maybe you are fearful and you want to control it but you don’t know how. If so get in touch today!

Your State Is Deciding Your Future

The states you are in from moment-to-moment is what crafts your life and your destiny. Your states create how you experience the world and how others experience you. So understanding your states and how to control them is critical to everyone’s life.

Every decision and behaviour is created from the state you are in at any given moment in time. So if you are in a fear state, or angry state then you would make very different decisions than if you were in a happy or fun state.

  • Different decisions equals different futures

So what state do you spend most of your time in?

You may have discovered that being tough or angry gets people around you to do things and you like that. Or maybe you live in a depressed state because you get more love or sympathy.

Maybe you are in a negative state where you moan about the world, because this is your best way of connecting with others who also like to moan and so what you get back is a connection.

The question is this…

Is the state you are in most of the time going to give you the life you want?

Many people get stuck in certain states because by creating that state in a critical moment in their past they got something they valued which saved them from being hurt.

Maybe they felt more secure, or more loved, or more significant. Whatever their reason for getting stuck in a particular state can cause long-term problems because that person a can fear without knowing going into other states, through fear of being hurt in some way.

Most people have no idea that they are stuck, but if you were to look back at your life what consistent comments did you get from others and how do you feel inside, because there will be clues.

The biggest problem is when someone is stuck in this state, assumes that the roll of this state is to create a balance in their lives, but this is a poor illusion because this state will only be able to LIMIT them and to limit means to block other possibilities.

The result is a tired and unhappy person, because what they value most can never be achieved and so they fight to craft the world around them to fit how their life should be, but they do it from a place of fear, and no decision from that place will give them the lives they truly want.

  • Thankfully there is a solution to this so if you feel this way,
    or are you living with someone like this please get in touch today.

How To Control Your Emotions

Do you ever feel out of control of your emotions or feelings? Would you like to know what you have to do to get them, and how to change them.

Would it be better for you if happiness now becomes a choice, would that be a good thing for you to have in your life?

Our emotions are governed by three things that we do.

1. Your focus, or where your mind takes you, or what you think about.
2. You physiology how you stand, sit, walk.
3. How you talk to yourself

So when you look at that list what would a depressed person have to practice every day to become depressed.

How to be depressed

They would focus on all that’s bad in their life, they would have their head looking at the floor, maybe head in their hands, moving slowly, tense shoulders, frowning.

At the same time they would be talking to themselves in a way that hurts them (self abuse), they might say things in an aggressive voice such as “you’re useless, you’re never going to be good enough, you’re fat and ugly”… etc.

They will practice all these three things many times a day until they become really good at them. A person who does this is guaranteed to create what we call depression.

Being aware that you can do this means that you’ll also be able to stop it.

If everyday you focus on all that’s great in your life, or what you can be grateful for, then your focus has started to change. What you will notice is you can’t focus on happy thoughts at the same time as unhappy ones. So if I were you I’d choose happy thoughts, they’re are a much better choice.

Now get active run, dance, walk, do gardening, paint a room, anything, but get your body moving. Your movement will help to release feel good chemicals that also combat depression.

The next is great fun and when you next talk to yourself in an abusive way, change the voice you have been using. If you have ever inhaled helium from a balloon, then you know how ridiculous you sound. Use that voice from now on if you get abusive at yourself, or find a voice that you think is silly, or makes you laugh.

  • Try it now! Say what you normally say to abuse yourself in that new silly voice and what do you notice about how you feel. You may laugh, or want to move away from that voice, either way you have changed that destructive pattern.

If you practice these 3 things then your mood will dramatically change. To start with you it will be an effort because you are so used to things happening to you as you live in reaction to the world out of control of you.

But if you drive a car then learning to do that was once a real effort, that now you don’t even think about, just like this will be, all you have to do is practice, practice, practice.

Stephen Hedger the life & relationship coach on this website offers individuals help where depression and anxiety affects their quality of life. If you would like help please click here

How To Cope With An Insecure Partner

If you have a partner that feels insecure for any reason then your mission is to find out the route cause and support them through it, without judgement or resentment.

Getting fed-up with your partner or punishing them will never help, because all you will get is more insecurity as they feel you moving further away from them emotionally.

They may become so insecure that they cannot bear the relationship any longer and so they will end it just to stop their own pain so be careful how you handle them.

Relationships that don’t work are 50/50 relationships because these relationship are conditional, on your partner always doing something for you and whilst they are insecure this will be a struggle for them.

Unconditional relationship

What works best is an unconditional relationship, because you are the strong one at this time it is up to you to take control and 100% responsibility for the relationship to make this right in their time of weakness.

If you feel that you cannot offer this unconditional love to your partner then maybe you are a contributor to why they feel a lack of security with you. A lack of  ability to offer a partner unconditional love is driven by a fear within that person.

Your job is to help you partner feel secure every day so ask them what needs to happen so they feel secure and do not judge them, or their answers, because one day you maybe the weak one needing help.

We may not always understand what our partners are going through, so we must respect them at all times, and help them through what may seem ridiculous or irrational to us.

If I please my partner I will hurt myself

If you feel that your partners requests to help them feel secure compromise your own values then it’s possible that professional help maybe needed to help you both.

But again you can seek help yourself so you understand what they are going through and what behaviours you can generate that will support their recovery.

Understand this, the lack of security they might feel is not an attack on you, it is an automatic response mechanism within them designed to protect them from harm and is usually not rational.

So understand that the underlying intention is not to hurt or disrespect you. It is easy to feel that you are not trusted, and as trust is the foundation of your relationship and it’s a hard one to hear if you don’t understand where within them it’s coming from.

  • If you are in this situation and are stuck with what to do,
    please get in contact today please: Click Here.

The Different Versions Of You

Have you ever noticed that when you speak to different people they bring our different versions of you? These different people will give you a feeling inside, and from those feelings you’ll decide if you like the person or not, and from here you’ll create your behaviours.

Have you ever wondered why and how this happens? Understanding this will not only change your perspective on the world you live in, but it will also change your perspective on your relationships.

Did you know you have created different versions of you

In each of us are many different personalities for example, for a woman there would be the soft feminine version of her, the protective masculine side, the naughty sexy side, the fun loving side, the adventure side, in fact she can have 20+ different versions of her that at some point she created without knowing.

She thinks this is just the way she is, but what she doesn’t yet know is she can control these versions of herself and change her future. Men are the same.

Depending on which version of ourselves we are in, we will always create a different outcome.

So when people speak to us what happens is the meaning we give to what that person is doing or saying will bring out a different version of us.

So the state we are in before they talk to us combined with our meaning of them creates a feeling within us.

So yesterday you can be getting on just fine with your partner, or friend and the today nothing seems to have changed, but something doesn’t feel right, or the same.

The reason this happened is because yesterday a different version of you was out and a different version of them was out. Today you will have brought out different versions of each other again and so it doesn’t feel the same.

Every time you interact with anyone this is happening and so you are creating different worlds with the same people and this can scare you, excite you, make you happy, or sad.

So with these constant changes you will give this a meaning and attach your meaning to them. You might say I don’t like him, or she is miserable or he’s so exciting.

Live in the wrong version of you and you’ll experience a painful life

We see people changing all the time, BUT what we don’t yet know is these different versions of ourselves can create different futures, because from these different states and versions of ourselves we will create different decisions. Different decisions equals different futures.

What is more concerning is when someone gets stuck, and lives constantly in one personality type, because they feel safer, but the result can be depression, anxiety or just never happy and can’t work out why.

  • For example a person may have been brought up in a family that argues all the time. To survive a masculine aggressive version of that person would be created. A person who lives in this version of themselves will have a very tough future because the outside world will be constantly rejecting that default behaviour.

They get sent to anger management when what they really need is to retire the wrong version of themselves and bring our other productive versions of themselves that will help them to support their future.

This of course is just one example.

  • If this has struck a chord with you Stephen Hedger runs a self-discovery session to help people understand the different version of them so they can create futures and relationship that are happier stronger and in control.
    If you want to know more about this click here

How To Take Control Of You

If you want to get control over your life and relationship then this is critical to understand because what you are about to discover will change your future.

Imagine a fast-moving car, and now remove a control such as the steering wheel and watch how the car reacts to the road changing direction with pot-holes, going faster downhill, slower up hill, bashing itself as tries to go around unexpected obstacles, and after a while eventually crashes.

When you consider how irresponsible that situation is because of the danger to others, I want you to now imagine that the people around you, are that out of control car with no way to steer and they are crashing, hurting themselves and others. I know that you have seen or experienced this as people looking for happiness have come in and out of your life and left their mark on you or those you care about.

So if you are not in control of you, what is?

If you are given no way to understand how you work and why, then the world or others will decide your future and who knows what might happen, no one wants to be out of control, but the problem is most people are and they don’t know it.

Moment to moment we are reacting to the world and what’s in it. Every second the world around us changes and our states tend to change with those events.

Our “state” or “how we feel” is our reaction to that world and others, so you might at any given moment experience anger, depression, happiness, anxiousness, relaxed etc.

These feelings are what we call our “states“.

Our state at any given moment is the sum of all our past experiences, our values for living, the rules that govern those values and our beliefs, combined with our physical / chemical health.

So have you noticed that the same situation can create totally different reactions in either yourself or others on different days?

For example you may spill something one day and just clean it up with out a thought, but if you are feeling ill or stressed that same situation will just send you into anger as you feel in that moment the world is against you.

IMPORTANT: What’s important to know is our state is the start of us giving any situation a meaning and our meanings are the start of our decisions and our decisions are what craft our destiny or futures.

So if someone is out of control of how they feel just like the car they live everyday in total reaction to the world. These people will be out of control, but think they are normal and so they create a future that will hurt them, some might end up turning to substances to change their states some may seek help.

  • For example this is why people love drinking so much, in an instant they feel happy and their fears disappear, they will use drink because they don’t yet know how to create the same states themselves without it.

Who is likely to live this way? Most of the population are living this way.

Most people don’t understand even what a value really is, but they have set-up values without knowing.

They also don’t know they have designed rules for those values, they don’t know that they have negative values, again set up without knowing and these are stopping the positive one being met. They don’t understand yet that the order of how they meet their values will change their world dramatically.

And any of you that are in coaching with me will be nodding knowingly that this is just the start.

No sane person I know would agree to step into a car not knowing how the controls work and then expect a 80+ year journey to be crash free.

To make matters worse most people get into this car and don’t know where they want to go either.

Now they are lost and out of control, and this creates states of fear that comes out in may destructive ways some small and hidden and some out there for all to see.

You are on your journey right now, how do you want the rest of it to be?

Relationship Fears Explained

What fears does your relationship generate for you, and do you know why this happens?

Do you fear abandonment, intimacy, change, rejection. Maybe you fear not being good enough for your partner.

Relationship Fears Explained: Whatever the reason, feeling fears when you want to feel love is frustrating and upsetting and if persistent can actually create the situation that is feared most.

For example if you really think your partner will leave you, you may try to control them, this then creates conditions that are unbearable to live in and so the relationship has no choice but to fail.

The reason our fears feel so powerful is because they are designed to protect us from life threatening situations. So your fears are not being used for what they were designed for and modern day living has distorted our reflex reactions to our world. We feel under threat and so we react.

If your partner does actually leave you, YOU WON’T DIE, you be hurt and feel loss of course, but you will get bored of feeling this way and will probably get on with life and meet someone new. So your life will not come to an end, yet we feel so powerfully that in that moment it will.

This can create depression, panic attacks and anxiety because our life and survival seems at risk.

When we become fearful our natural reaction is to go back to our childhood responses and so we blame others, lash out, scream, cry, or become unreasonable.

This natural reaction is just an immature version of YOU out of control.

The only way to get in control is to understand that your fears are created by you. NO ONE can make you feel anything. If you think they can then you are believing an illusion created by others who are also lost or feel in fear too.

How to create a fear

Before you are  able to react, what you have to do is turn any situation into a meaning. It is the meaning you have given that situation that has created your reaction and therefore it is you that has scared you.

Because you have never been shown a different way to experience the world you automatically feel an emotion and then attach it to the person that triggered you to create that meaning, and now they are “unfairly” in trouble with you.

By understanding that NO ONE actually makes you feel anything puts you back in control of your life, your feelings and your emotions.

This also helps you connect with the real version of you and now your future and relationship will become very different as you live a life and future in safety free of fear this helps you create different decisions.

Different decisions equals different futures. Your true future is depending on you to live fearlessly because if you don’t then your destiny and life changes to be the one you don’t want.

Make a good decision today!

Do You Want An Amazing Life & Relationship?

If you imagine your life in the next 5 years or 10 years, what will it look like?

I know that you know
, that if you do nothing different, then the chances are it will be the same as it is today, the only difference is you will be older with more of what you have been practising to have today.

  • Maybe you have been practicing how to not trust your partner, or even yourself.
  • Maybe you have been practising being your partners judge
  • Maybe you have been practising worrying that you will never be enough for your partner.
  • Maybe you have practised being depressed, or stressed
  • Maybe you have practised overeating, or smoking, or drinking
  • Maybe you have practised being unhappy for no reason

Whatever you have been practising the chances are, you will be really good at it, the question is, is this what you really want? Or is now the time for a change?

Relationship Joy or Hell

Imagine your relationship the same as it is today in 5 or 10 years time, what does that feel like? Can your see it now? What does it make you think?

  • If you have an amazing relationship today how will you keep that intensity going? Just through our need for variety how can you keep this level of attraction going?
  • If you have relationship full of problems and you do nothing what do you think the next five years will be like, let alone ten?

Many people are very happy to live in fear of their future, but very few are happy to plan it, craft it or take control. This is because they are under the illusion that they have no control over their future, so of course they will never do anything except wait for problems to hit them and hope that it will be ok…

You are now 80 years old…

Let’s take this from a different perspective, imagine you are 80 years old and you are looking back on your life, what life do you want to look back on.

What will you regret if you don’t take action on today?

How To Cope With A Break-up

If you are suffering from the effects of a relationship split and want to know how to cope with a break-up then this may help you.  At the end of this piece I have a quick tip on how to control your feelings.

Most break-ups happen due to confusion of what the individuals are feeling and what it really means. They feel bad, attach those feelings to the relationships and so the relationship dies.

Many people who have asked for a divorce have regretted it later, because the feeling they attach to the relationships goes away when they are apart, and they are left with no good reason to be apart, unfortunately most of the time it’s too late.

Understanding your break-up

Those that come to me through coaching on how to cope with break-ups, get to understand in detail, why their break-up happened and this helps them to understand if the break-up happened for the right or wrong reasons.

This empowers them to know what actions to take. Could be to fix the relationship they were in, or walk away sound in the knowledge that what happened, happened for good reason.

Having said all this logical stuff, that still leaves you with feelings that are probably making you feel bad.

Understanding why you feel bad

These feeling are as a direct result of where your mind is focused.

What no one ever teaches us is that we can direct our mind to something else. The reason we don’t believe this is because not only is our reaction automatic, but if you have ever tried to get rid of a bad feeling it always comes back.

This happens because you are conditioned to focus on everything that is bad, society has taught you how to do this. What society has not taught you is there is another choice, and you can choose what to feel.

Removing the break up pain tip

The fact is this, not being with your ex-partner is not what you are upset about, even though you think it is, it’s the focus you have put on that break up and the meaning you have given to it is what‘s causing you pain.

So are you focused on all the past memories, or the future you designed, or maybe both?

With practice you can learn how to focus your mind to more pleasurable things by making the break-up a good thing.

  • Please note: Before you do this please be 100% sure you want this person out of your life.

Make a list of everything that was not right with your ex-relationship and with each thing you find really focus on how bad each thing was and how over time it would have become 100 times worse as they became used to you. Notice if this happened how miserable you would have been and keep their face in your mind as you imagine this life of growing hell year after year after year.

When you have completed your list then write about all the great opportunities you now have that being with your ex stopped you doing.

Now start to design the life you really want, and this time keep your focus on who you have to be, to be able to attract the person you really want.

Important: This is your chance…

And now show yourself gratitude for giving yourself a real chance of being really happy with someone who will stop at nothing to make sure you are 100% secure in the relationship, someone who will give your relationship passion, adventure and fun, whilst making you the most important thing in their world.

They will show you a love you have never felt before and they will serve your relationship tirelessly to help it and you grow into the person you have always wanted to be, constantly giving to you and never asking for anything in return.

They will do this because they know this is the only route to unconditional love the one thing you have always dreams of and thought you were only safe to have with your children.

How Our Minds Work – Perception

In today’s post I am going to share some concepts about how our minds work so you can relate this back to how you experience the world, your life, relationships, and especially the one with yourself.

The goal is to gain a better understanding of how you really work. So if you want to gain control of your life experiences and your relationships please read this slowly.

The way you experience the world, your thoughts and feelings are your interpretation of the world, in your mind, based on your life experiences so far. Your mind is always looking for meanings to what happens within your world based on your own unique experiences, because it’s all you know.

Different experiences therefore create different perceptions.

These experiences of yours have created meanings to your world that are unique to you, and these experiences are designing your future. No one else has exactly the same experiences of life as you.

This means that the world and it’s meanings to you is purely a perception that sits within your mind, and so any beliefs that you have created on your journey through life are based on these perceptions, and are not actual facts. Many people have beliefs that they believe are facts, when they are not.

This is what makes you unique, there is no one else like you.

So if the world you live in is an interpretation created by you, then the meanings you give the world are clearly a perception too.

So if the world you live in a is a perception in your mind, and you are creating these perceptions without knowing then imagine how the world would feel it you could control your day-to-day experiences and their meanings, how would that change you and your future?

The truth is your perceptions can create vast differences in the life you live, and not understanding this puts either other people or the world in charge of your life’s direction.

  • If you believe you can’t have unconditional love then you will be right.
  • If you believe that your partner can’t be trusted then you will be right.
  • If you believe that your life is hopeless and you will never be successful, then you will be right.

If your focus is on all that’s wrong then you will create that perception and live that life. We are conditioned by society to look for the negative and so this comes easy for us to do and so we convince ourselves that we are in the wrong relationships, or our lives are hopeless and success only happens to others.

Know this: Successful people NEVER EVER think that way, and so they create the perception that everything is possible they totally believe in themselves and so they take massive actions and are relentless in their quest to get the lives they want.

So what perceptions have you created about your life? Maybe the reason you don’t have what you really want is down to you and your perception of yourself.

Maybe you don’t think you are enough…and that’s holding you back…!?

The Chemistry Has Gone Will It Come Back

If you have discovered that the chemistry has gone in your relationship, discover what’s happening and what to do to change it.

People in new relationships experience a powerful natural high where the excitement of a new person they are attracted to drives their hormones so crazy they can’t think straight.

They feel a massive magnetic pull that seems to be out of their control and so they can’t get enough of each other.

So what is really happening? Nature is very smart. There are explosions of feel good, mood changing chemicals are surging into the body from the  brain. The individuals both love the feelings these chemicals create and so they attach these feeling to each other.

What the couple don’t know is, it’s the feeling that their own chemicals give them is what they like. Their new partner is simply the trigger.

Fears stop the feel good chemicals flowing

This excitement about their new partner will change as soon as one person in the couple starts to create a fear, or insecurity about themselves, or they may fear getting emotionally hurt if they get too attached or can see a future they don’t like.

Their body in this fear state now starts to release a very different chemical, and this one does not feel good at all. They then attach this feeling to their partner and this creates a very different mood between them.

This changes their behavior and so now what started at as an attachment of passion and excitement is now an attachment of fear that will drive them away from the relationship. This happens in established relationships too.

If they feel too fearful they will stop calling or become distant. This may result in the rejected party chasing to get them back to that fun place.

The more they chase the further and faster they will run. So if this has happened to you, careful communication is critical.

You need to show you care, but allow them space to get over their fears and come back to you when they are ready. If you try to force someone in a fear state to come back they will only attach more fears to being with you!

The great fun sexual chemistry will come back as soon as they are over the fears they have attached to you being with you.

Once they are over this stage and you have helped and respected their feelings and fears then when they come back your relationship will be much stronger than it was before.

So keep a cool head and give your new date or partner, space and time to want to be with you.

I remember in my early 20′s a girl finished with me and so I sent her flowers and thanked her for the time we had and left it there.

Four weeks later she told me she made a mistake and wanted me back.

She created a fear and then made me responsible for it. You can’t control what others do, but you can control how you conduct yourself and if you are always true to who you really are then you can’t go wrong.

Remember: You will only lose the ones that were never right for you.