Helping men understand their wives

A significant problem that is presented to me over and over again is the very obvious disconnect between men and women and their interpretation of each others behaviours in their marriage.

It’s like men and women speak a totally different language in an intimate relationship. I see couple after couple present the wrong interpretations of what’s really been going in their marriage to me in their session.

This incorrect interpretation will trigger a series of mechanisms designed to detach that person from their partner. When practiced over time that person can become detached or numb for the wrong reasons.

Past problems such as childhood trauma can accelerate this detachment process. [Read more...]

“I’ve spent years trying to change my husband – What did you say to him?”

The biggest challenge couples with marriage problems face is not taking action quick enough. They don’t see a very real danger that’s right in front of them. They wait and wait until it gets really bad for both people and then they seek help.

The story your about to read is why it’s so important not to wait. If she would have waited until she was ready to get help they would have lost their marriage. He did what any man should do, he stepped up in a quest to save his relationship.

So this couple were booked in for an initial consultation with me. I had spoken on the phone initially with the husband so I had a little background on their story.

He told me his wife was very nervous and very skeptical that a meeting with me would do any good. I told him she would be looked after and to communicate to her my mission was to get the best possible solution for them both.

On the day of their initial consultation I received an email telling me his wife had changed [Read more...]

Relationship problems? This is critical to know…

Today I’m going to share how one woman reconnected with her trouble teenage daughter, why a woman chose not to leave her husband and what these two stories have in common that will be affecting everyone’s relationship right now.

  • If your partners needs are different from yours and you don’t know what those differences are, how difficult would it be to connect to each other?
  • What if your partners primary needs change as they go through different life stages how confusing would that be?
  • What if a person needs are not being met, they don’t know what their needs are, or how to share them?
  • What if a person expects their partner to know what they need because they assume their partner has the exact same needs as them?

If you want to have a meaningful connection with anyone in your family then understanding and respecting what they need is critical to maintain a connection that works. [Read more...]

Is it possible to think yourself out of a perfectly good marriage without knowing?

Impossible you may think, but please think again, sadly it’s totally possible and is a real problem I see on a regular basis. Below is one example of this in action. The simple fact is too many individuals are unaware that the way they think is subconsciously controlling how they feel about their relationship and their partner.

So a person can literally create thoughts that can lead them to feel they have to leave a relationship that is actually the right relationship for them.

What I’m talking about specifically is how a person can condition their feelings through the way they think.

I’m sure you have heard the story of Pavlov’s dog. The story goes like this, Pavlov rang a bell and then immediately fed his dog. He repeated this process a few times. The dog learned to associate the sound of the bell with food and would begin salivating when the bell was rung. [Read more...]

Now discover why couples keep failing to fix their problems

The keys to keeping a marriage successful is understanding the real problems in your marriage and focusing on the steps most likely to fix those problems.

I am constantly at the sharp end of all manner of marital challenges and I can tell you that for most couples the problems they come to the sessions with are not the problems I have to fix.

So a couple might come with detachment problems, loss of love, sexual disconnection, frequent conflict, money problems, controlling behaviours, communication issues to name a few.

The couple will feel these specific challenges are their problems and could have tried to fix them, most will be unsuccessful.  [Read more...]

7 Reasons You Know You’re In The Wrong Relationship

Being in the wrong relationship is an upsetting time, but how do you know? What do you need to look out for? Love is not always enough to keep a couple together if the following situations arise.

1. If your partners intent is to try to hurt you physically or emotionally

2. If your vision or goals for the future are totally different

3. If you believe their fears for losing you is helping them try to control what you think and do

4. Your partner is only interested in taking from you no matter how much you give

5. If you dislike who you become in their company [Read more...]

Is Your Partner Trying to Control You?

Do you feel that you are in a constant power struggle with your partner? Is this wearing you out? Do you worry about what the future will look like if this continues?

Control takes many forms, not all control is bad. For example if a man is in control of his ability to passionately love his partner in the way she wants, then this is a form of control that benefits them both.

Control in the negative  is usually based around a fear of some kind.

Control is a persons’ method of trying to rebalance their world so they feel ok, if this is based on fears such as losing love, or not feeling they are enough in some way, then emotions can run high and they will control to feel normal or get rid of their pain. [Read more...]

Do You Know Someone Like This?

Too many people are trying to control their outside world so they can feel good and this is really hard work. They end up feeling empty and detached from their true authentic self, some confused end up looking for reasons to blame others for how they feel.

Inside they feel that something is wrong so they need to rebalance their world, over time a behaviour is born to cope, it becomes their thing to do when life feels wrong.

What’s interesting is someone in this place will become addicted to a behaviour, but will not make the connection that the behaviour has to be repeated constantly for it to work, so it actually doesn’t work. [Read more...]

Are you a boiled frog?

Many years ago in my 20’s I was told the story of “The Boiled frog”.

If a frog was put into a pan of cold water and that pan was brought to the boil the frog would just sit in the pan and slowly die. But if you dropped the frog into the boiling water it would jump out immediately rejecting this hostile environment.

[This of course is a metaphor for life, so please don’t do this!]

This story had a profound effect on me. It got me thinking am I a boiled frog? Is my life slowly killing me? Am I staying in a life that doesn’t work, or make me happy? [Read more...]

His OCD is Destroying Our Marriage – She was about to leave him with her new baby!

She walked into my session with the biggest smile, she was ready to learn more about herself. This was a very different version of her that I had met just three weeks earlier, so I was naturally curious about what had changed for her.

Three weeks ago she came to a session with her husband, she told me she was about to leave him. She didn’t want to go, but for her, life with her new baby a 10 month old had become unbearable and this was because of his OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) behaviour. [Read more...]

Life Lessons: Bullying & Controlling

This story I am about to share is an amazing example of where we learn our life lessons and how we automatically react to others when they give us pain. What do our instincts tell us to do and what actually works.

My son had a significant life challenge, he had suddenly become the target of school bullies at 12 years old. Physically smaller than many of the other boys he felt vulnerable and powerless to do anything. This was terrifying time for him!

I knew for him he was about to learn an important lesson…

The school has a policy that all bullying has to be reported. So following these rules he reported them. The school instantly punished the bullies and called my wife and I to explain their plan.

The challenge now is that as the bullies were punished my son became more of a target. [Read more...]

Has Your Partner Become Your Enemy

How is it that two people who once were so in love can get to the point where their partner starts to feels like their enemy. Do you feel your partner is your enemy, or do you treat them as if they are?

If the couples needs are not met then resentment can creep into the relationship.

They start to feel bad and so in response they try to rebalance the relationship through controlling behaviour.

What usually happens in this state one or both people can start to make the relationship all about them. When anyone starts to behave this way in their relationship and it starts to become their normal behaviour then the relationship is going to struggle to last.

So this needs to change if you want to keep your relationship.

If your partner is making the relationship all about them, the chances are they are in a fear state, if you are controlling maybe you get angry or frustrated at your partner then you are in fear too.

One of the most common situations I see that causes many problems is when the man becomes fearful, which he displays through anger, frustration, shutting down or uses coping strategies such as alcohol.

When the man does this the woman has to become stronger to cope with this weaker behaviour from him.

The man in this place can view the woman to be hard, harsh, non-caring, the reality is he has pushed her to this place. The way he can break through and save his relationship is to help her feel more secure through love and understanding.

This what she really wants, if she feels like she has to be the man in the relationship he starts to become pointless to her.

She can love him in this place, but she no longer sees him as a sexual partner. He becomes more like one of her children and this is when she really starts to look down on him, he feels that there is no hope, he has no idea how to please her.

Many relationship fail through this lack of understanding of how to get back how you were when you first met.

If this is happening for you get in touch because it’s not difficult to correct.

How to Fix My Relationship Fast

Couples can arrive at my sessions in London in very distressed states. They arrive with the view that this is their last attempt at fixing their relationship, so the pressure is on. Many couples have already filed for divorce and have put houses on the market. So when they arrive it can seem that there is little hope of helping them fix their relationship.

The couple can then leave the session in shock that through an understanding that is totally different to the one they entered the room with they start to see how their relationship can work.

So in one session the relationship takes a massive u-turn. These session are intensive and 2 hours in length, but the couple learn the core basics of what it takes to really make a relationship work, they learn to take responsibility, remove blame and judgment. They discover how to lay down their weapons, such as withholding love and controlling behaviour.

They learn how to really understand each other and understand more about each others critical needs in a totally new way.

What I have noticed as a Relationship Educator is there is a pattern that works faster than others.

If the couple both have a desire to fix the relationship, but they just don’t know how, this makes the process much faster. A couple that has one person wanting to get out and the other wanting to save the relationship can work, but takes a little longer.

So my advice seek help before one of you gets so convinced your relationship will never work. Time is not on the couples side if things start to go wrong as both people start to get more and more proof that maybe the relationship is the wrong one and they have made a mistake.

So if your relationship is in trouble do something NOW don’t wait!

Couples that fix their relationship quickly

Once the core basics of how relationships work has been communicated the turning point comes when the man discovers how he can meet his partner needs whilst fulfilling his own. I ask the man to look after her first because the greatest power sits in him to rebuild the trust and create security. She has power too but usually she is so scared she has become masculine strong and disconnected. If he can break through this she can shift really fast. Nine time out of ten all she really wants is to be loved regardless of what he thinks.

This is critical, because this is the turning point where trust gets rebuilt.

The mans job is to look after his family and his wife’s emotional needs. In most cases he has always wanted to do this, he may have thought money is how to do this, but starts to see that money is not the solution (it never was), so he has no idea how to please her so he starts to feel like a failure. He could have without knowing modeled his father, or learnt how to be a man from his mother, both mum and dad could be just as lost as he feels today.

Staying married is not the sign of a successful relationship. Successful relationships are about passion and giving not about selfish behaviours, taking and fear.

The men that embrace their role as someone who is there to serve and protect his partner and takes the steps to help her, these are the ones that turn their relationships around fast.

The ones that fail are the men that struggle to do this. These men will then go to fear.

The result can be the female gets stronger, seemingly more confident, disconnected from him, his weak behaviour helps her to need him less and so he can then become needy, want to control the relationship, using sex, money or children. She sees the need to control as a weakness because she knows he is fearful and this is not attractive.

He can then use coping strategies such as working longer hours and drinking.

All of these behaviours in him are because he is fearful. In this place the relationship is all about him and it’s really only a matter of time before she snaps, because she will.

So where you as a couple today.

  • Are you both struggling to get your relationship working, but you both really want it back?
  • Is your man bullying or controlling or shutting down? – All fear responses unattractive to females!
  • Are you a man in a relationship lost with what to do and now drink is your best friend? -
  • Is your wife always upset with you, crying, shouting or even quiet? All signs that there is a problem and she needs love!
  • Whatever your situation know that if you don’t take responsibility then you are choosing failure.

So men I call upon you to learn how to be men in your relationships, she wants a man and at the moment she wants that man to be YOU…

Needy Controlling Partners

Why are some people so needy in relationships? Why does the relationship have to revolve all around them?  Is your partner controlling your relationship and have you let them, through your behaviours? Why does a person have to control their relationship and partner?

The answer is simple FEAR!…

…Plus historic conditioning

It is important to be aware when a person in a relationship is more concerned with what they are not getting rather than what they can contribute to the relationship. Sometimes the control is obvious and sometimes is is so subtle is can be confusing and makes you question yourself.

A person who wants to take from the relationship is usually unaware that they fear not getting their needs met such as “love” and the more they “take” the less they eventually get as resentment sets in. This creates more controlling behaviours.

So they end up with control strategies designed to manipulate their partner to feel that they have no choice, but to support them all be it in low level ways. Strategies could be…

Controlling behaviours such as

  • Passive aggression
  • Self Harm
  • Depression
  • Anger
  • Withholding love
  • Controlling time & money
  • Obsessive compulsive
  • Controlling realities
  • Behaviour blame – you made me do it!
  • Putting your partner down
  • Rejecting
  • Negative body language
  • plus unexplained illnesses to name a few. They will control whatever they can to get what they need, even if their need is met in low quality ways.

Needy controlling partners can put a significant strain on any relationship!

So do you think your partner is too needy are you being controlled?

Why do you think they are this way, has their been a change in the relationship? Have they always been this way?

You see, when fear(s) drives behaviours problems will follow!

The biggest challenge is when the person in fear refuses to acknowledge they have a problem and fear is driving them to destroy the relationship, they are so blind to what’s going on they carry on even as things are getting worse.

In the process of making everything about them they will tell you, you are the selfish one. They will reflect the problem they have back on to you.

This makes the situation feel totally impossible you love you partner, but you know the relationship will die if it carries on this way.

Does any of this strike a chord with you? Are you fed up of being emotionally used and battered?

Do you want to get to the bottom of your partners controlling needy behaviours?

  • If so please get in touch, help is at hand


Should I break up with my partner?

Many people unhappy in their relationship get to the point where they start to seriously wonder, “…should I break up with my partner?” Husband, Wife, Girlfriend, Boyfriend whoever you are there comes a point in your relationship where this question comes up.

There is a whole variety of reactions to this question.

  • Some just feel so bad so they bolt from the relationship.
  • Some wait a while, on the look out for more proof they are incompatible.
  • Some put their head in the sand and focus on friends, family, or work in the hope it will sort itself out.
  • Some separate hoping the space will help them miss each other, or give them time to reflect on what feels right now they are out of the pressure cooker.

Does any of this work?

The chances of this really working is slim, because the reason the couple were having problems has not been addressed. The reason is because the couple will be totally unaware of what is driving them at a subconscious level. This means behaviours and feelings are being created without conscious thought. [Read more...]

Is A Fear Pattern Destroying Your Life?

The biggest relationship pattern we run is a fear pattern. Yesterday we discovered how we can set up patterns of behaviour with knowing. Fear patterns in our relationships can happen in the same way, but with devastating results.

The fear we create in our mind is the question that means the end of our relationship.

That question is this:

Will I be enough… for him or her?

This big fear pattern is at play in many areas of people lives. Will I be a good enough mother, father, boss, employee, son, daughter, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend.

When this fear pattern is generated in a relationship this then changes a persons behaviours, they could decide:

  • To give-up or run, because its hopeless, they will never be enough.
  • To control their  partner so they can’t make them fearful anymore.
  • Try to put their partner down, so they come down to their level of fear too.

And there are many more… This will create lot of irrational behaviours, crying, shouting, happy one day, sad the next, depression, anxiety. Making up things you said when you didn’t, making you responsible for all that’s wrong in the world…

Decisions in fear states equals disaster

Unfortunately when someone makes a decision from a state of fear, the decisions are usually poor destructive decisions that help to generate the thing they fear most…and so their partner does leave them.

If a relationship is to survive and become one full of unconditional love this fear has to be understood and removed / changed.

Are you running this fear pattern, do you think your partner is running this pattern?

The fear will feel very real, but in most cases is not true, their pattern was set-up for a good reason, but it is very likely to be running today for all the wrong reasons.

Remember if you create a fear in you, and give it to your partner, what you do is then create a fear in them and now the irrational chaos is doubled.

7 Reasons: How You Know You’re In The Wrong Relationship

Being in the wrong relationship is an upsetting time, but how do you know. What do you need to look out for? Love is not always enough to keep a couple together it the following situations arise.

1. If your partners intent is to try to hurt you physically or emotionally

2. If your vision or goals for the future are totally different

3. If you believe their fears for losing you is controlling what you think and do.

4. Your partner is only interested in taking from you no matter how much you give.

5. If you dislike who you become in their company

6. You have real evidence that you cannot trust your partner.

7. Addiction to substances or gambling.

Here is a bonus one for you to consider

8. Your gut is telling you something is wrong, but you are not sure what. Register on the right for a free coaching session with me and you could just discover why you feel this way.