“His emotions were sabotaging what he really wanted…”

What you are about to read is about is a gentleman in turmoil. He thought he had lost the girl he loved and his one-year-old son.

She had left him and this connected him to his core fears, emotions that were powerful enough to sabotage him from getting the very thing he wanted.

As his emotional system battled to avoid connecting to the pain of losing her, his behaviours kept on proving to her she had made the right decision.

In his quest to get her back, he was repelling her – he didn’t know.

I had to stop him losing control as he could lose her for good and I could see there was a real chance they were a good fit together at the core. [Read more...]

10 Critical Rules For Saving A Marriage From Divorce

I have spent many many years working only with couples who are in crisis and on the edge of divorce.

What I’ve learnt during this time is what works and what doesn’t that will enable a couple to learn if it’s actually possible to rebuild their marriage.

If you are struggling then this list below is the list I wish I knew when I was starting out with my own relationships. With this knowledge I could have saved my self a lot of time and discomfort.

So here are 10 rules

1. Get on the same page with your partners true perspective.

If you want a relationship to work, or you want to start to get your relationship out of a crisis, then you must hear what your partner is really saying to you. [Read more...]

How Do You Know Your Relationship Is Over?

Some people are staying in broken relationships for far too long they spend years fearful to put their hand up and share they are genuinely unhappy.

Some people share with me they did tell their partner they were unhappy, but when nothing changed they still stayed in the marriage unaware this action was teaching their partner their problems were not that bad after all.

In contrast, far too many people are making the assumption their relationship is over when in reality if they could see and connect to the root of why they feel that way they could have a very different perspective.

So understanding the end of a relationship is complex and is highly traumatic if they both don’t agree. [Read more...]

“The cost of always needing to being right in a marriage!”

Every couple that attends sessions with me are sharing very different perspectives about their relationship, and both people think their version is the truth.

They communicate to me what they both think is the problem, but very few are connected to other ways to think and see their problems, so they live in a disempowered perspective.

This can lead couples to feel their problems are impossible to solve. In so many cases, this is not true.

By helping couples to understand the core problem, they are empowered to see their problem in ways that empower both people to reconnect.

In essence, I have to expand the knowledge of both people so they can connect to their partner’s experience so they can start to add value to each other again. [Read more...]

“Emotionally unavailable partner”

I see many couples where one person has become emotionally unavailable in the relationship. The effects are incredibly damaging to the relationship as every day that passes creates more distance and damage.

So many people come to me asking “how to deal with someone who is emotionally unavailable.”

Couples that end up in this pattern try to live in this distortion but it’s like a ticking bomb waiting to wreak havoc on their lives in the form of either affairs or separation and divorce.

Below are a few different examples of how emotionally unavailable relationships are created.

The emotionally unavailable men and women that I see usually have deep-rooted fears they are trying to avoid many have no idea this is happening to them. [Read more...]

“I was so embarrassed…”

One of the common traits of marriages that don’t last is when the couple stops being a team that’s creating a purposeful and exciting life together.

Many have gone down the road of becoming more enemies in a battle than team members. So many couples stop creating and building and switch to finger-pointing, defending and blaming.

As I was thinking about today’s post and the concept of being a team, an embarrassing moment came to mind – I had an experience I will never forget.

I was on a team-building weekend. I was about 30 years old at the time.

There was a group of 18 of us, and we were split into three groups. [Read more...]

Your partner is not like you – At all!

One of the biggest mistakes I see people in relationships make is they don’t take the time to really understand their partner.

Many are under the illusion their partner is like them, but they couldn’t be further from the truth.

It’s true many people get together through shared values, but keeping connected to those values is going to be a struggle if you don’t know how to translate your partners’ words and behaviours correctly.

In essence, I see great people who have turned perfectly good marriages into ones no one would want to be in.

They do this because they don’t have the skills and tools to connect to each other when it really matters, so they live disconnected.  [Read more...]

Keeping their passion for each other alive

I was working with a couple, and the topic of motorbikes came up. This lady quickly commented that she wouldn’t let him have one! He sat sad and motionless looking down, saying nothing.

I smiled at her and said, “Is he five and are you his mum?”

One of the most important energies a relationship must create is the ability for both people to be free to be who they are so they can live the life they want to live.

The moment a persons’ energy is restricted in any way that person will start to lose connection with themselves and attach those bad feelings to their partner. [Read more...]

You’ll need tools to save a marriage

Year after year, I’ve been studying the many hidden destructive patterns couples are using to take them into a marital crisis. I have studied this so I can empower couples to actually see their problems clearly so they can take action and get out of their crisis with new behaviours.

Once couples can step out of their crisis and see why they are suffering, they can start to follow simple but powerful steps that can help them reinvest in themselves and their marriage without compromising themselves.

A client this week told me this knowledge had helped him become a far better person as well as a better husband.

This message from him is not a surprise to me because for the process to work permanently; it has to connect the person back with their true self.  [Read more...]

My partner doesn’t want to fix the marriage

One of the reasons couples in crisis struggle to reconnect is because they have not acted quick enough and are either now full of confusing and conflicting feelings or have made the decision.

For me to help couples I must understand the structure of their crisis and understand the mindset of the person wanting to leave this is one of the critical elements needed to give them the best chance of discovering their truth.

Understand the perspective of the person that wants to leave is so important.

Even a person who sounds 100% verbally committed to leaving can have a small part of them that says “are you sure you’re doing the right thing?” So these people will be on a mission to look for more proof that leaving is a good idea. – They will find it!

Some thought their problem would just go away. Some just go into survival mode and shut down. Some just focus on their job or the children and don’t think past this focus.  [Read more...]

28 Early warnings couples must never ignore

Life long, intimate relationships are packed full of hidden problems that can be catastrophic to the couples ability to stay connected.

It’s critical to know early when you and your relationship is in a pattern that could be destructive to its future. Many of these patterns can be understood and overcome.

Below is a list of patterns that should never be ignored.

1. The couple that never argues. Nine times out of ten this couple dynamic will have a low passion relationship will little to no sex life.

2. The couple that can’t stop arguing. This erodes their connection and stacks resentments that can create emotional detachments.

3. Relationship contains someone that always needs to be right or wants to win arguments. [Read more...]

Bored with your marriage?

One reason couples end up struggling with each other is that life together can become so dull, year after year of the same old everything. I see so many couples suffering because they have no real purpose for being together.

This can be upsetting as it can cause friction as they look for excitement but not necessarily together.

Not having a purpose for being together is such a dangerous trap to fall into.

Some couples only purpose for being together is they are a mum and a dad, and it’s not enough because one day the kids will leave home.

The traditional story I hear is when the couple first meet and it’s so exciting; they tell all their friends about this amazing person they’ve just met. They can’t stop thinking about each other, and so they magnify their excitement with fun things like parties, holidays stuff most couples like to do. [Read more...]

Confidence replaces her heartbreak

I know most people think what I do is fix relationships and save couples from divorce. I have over the years, developed very successful strategies that enable couples in crisis to quickly discover if they have what it takes to be together for life.

This is why my service has become globally popular couples don’t want quick fixes that don’t last. They want to gain the critical tools needed to create a life long connection.

To be honest, my approach isn’t actually to fix anyone.

What I want is for two people to discover their truth. Do they have the ability to be able to create a dynamic that works for both people?

So really happiness is what I want for my clients, and that can be together or apart.

In the end, the result must be a win-win scenario for both people.

The lady you’re about to read about was confused and needed certainty with her life/relationship.

This lady was very tearful when she arrived. Her relationship had died and more than anything she wanted it to work. [Read more...]

“The importance of challenging destructive thinking”

9 out of 10 couples would stop suffering with each other if they changed the way they think about their relationship and their problems.  When a couples thinking is challenged, they can start to understand why they have been on different pages for so long.

One of the most critical aspects of my work is to challenge a couples thinking to help them get back on the same page.

The reason this is so important is the way we think and the meanings we attach to that thinking is what creates our understanding of our world and how we feel in it.

So if someone is going to create a habit of thinking in a particular way, it’s important they know if it’s going to make their life easier and happier or significantly harder.

Sadly so many people have a way of thinking their way out of a perfectly good marriage without knowing the marriage is not the problem at all.

The problem so many couples face is they struggle to fix their problems because they are limited by what they know, and it’s not enough to connect them to their truth. [Read more...]

Can a dead relationship be reignited?

The simple answer to this question is yes because I see it every day. Couples without knowing are creating a dynamic that is shutting down their connection. These couples do have the ability to learn how to create a dynamic that keeps their emotional connection alive if they want to.

When couples come to see me, my mission is to help them understand if they have the ability to create a dynamic that works for them both.

IMPORTANT: I’m not trying to fix them. I’m helping them create the knowledge they need to be able to make good decisions for themselves and their families.

You see the biggest problem people face is if you “think” you understand your problem and you leave your relationship and you’re wrong! The real problem is likely to appear in the next relationship so please understand why you’re having problems before you leap.

So many clients I see are shocked to learn they have been running the same problem for years.

When couples go through this process with me, they discover new ways of understanding and thinking about their relationship. These are unique ways they would never have considered before that help them see their problems in solvable terms.

The most consistent message I receive is “…this process is enlightening”. [Read more...]

“I love you – but I’m not in love with you…”

So many couples can find themselves in this situation. It’s shocking to hear this sentence, and it can cause panic. The key to this situation is to understand what they mean and what can we do about it? Is It a lost cause, can love ever come back?

Below I’m going to share what they mean and your options.

So what do you mean? Do you love me or not? Their sentence is confusing.

If someone is struggling in their marriage and has been for a while, they will have two thoughts. Firstly they will know historically they experienced love and have experienced many loving times.

This is the “I love you” part of their sentence and can be reflective of two people that love their kids.

The “I’m not in love with you” part means that TODAY their active love for you is no longer present. [Read more...]

Couples in crisis are fixing the wrong problems!

Virtually every couple I meet has been trying to fix the wrong problem in their marriage and without knowing are damaging their connection and trust in each other with every failed attempt.

If you try to fix the wrong problem, you’ll keep failing, and if you fail for long enough, one person will either look for an out or other ways to meet their critical needs.

When helping a couple out of a crisis, the most fundamental starting point is to help each person understand the real problems they are facing.

Most couples in crisis are unaware of what is driving their disconnection, and so when they try to connect, they will find their distance becomes significantly greater.

For most couples, their disconnect has been happening for years, but when emotional pain turns to suffering that person can start to either complain or they can suffer in silence emotionally detaching from their partner.

It’s critical the couple must be on the same page with why they are struggling, or both people will be trying to fix what they think is their problem. [Read more...]

“The Bulletproof Marriage”

We all like the theory of someone being our soul mate. Someone that has our back and will love us for life, someone that’s a friend and a lover. Someone who will help us become the best of us, pick us up when we are down and cheer us on when we succeed.

Most people want a purposeful life that’s exciting with someone special.

The problem is no one that gets married is going to be able to see the future and know how they will both feel about themselves and each other.

Far too many people end up disappointed with how their life plays out and for some who they have chosen.

Many are bored either with their life or each other. [Read more...]

Getting out of a marital crisis?

I now see roughly 20 couples per week, everyone in crisis and nearing divorce. Every one of these couples has broken their marriage in very unique ways. Some are wanting to fix the marriage, some are lost not knowing what they want but don’t want to make a life-changing mistake.

Every couple needed a unique solution to help them discover what they are capable of.

This weeks catch up with a few couples who came for help: 

Couple one: In her first session she said she was at the end of the road after years of disconnection and he was in a terrible state. Divorce was on the cards, and they were both giving up.  [Read more...]

“I LOVE how I feel about ME when I’m with YOU!”

So what is the formula for a great marriage and why do so many people get it wrong? When you look at what we are all trying to achieve it boils down to something quite simple.

We are all trying to experience the feelings we like and avoid the feelings we don’t like.

If you look at anyone that’s on the edge of splitting up, they no longer experience feelings they like when they are with their partner, and some are getting close to experiencing feelings they have spent their whole lives trying to avoid.

Some are leaving because they feel they won’t be loved or they won’t be enough, and these types of feelings are far too painful. Some are leaving because they cannot get over a significant break of trust. [Read more...]