Resentments high and passion low?

When married life is NOT turning out to be the way they hoped, it’s natural for people to stack resentments towards their partner. This has the ability to have a powerfully destructive effect on the marriage of most couples without them knowing.

In today post I’m going to talk about a powerfully hidden force that couples don’t discover until it’s too late.

When a person stacks resentment towards their partner they start to create negative attachments with their partner and their relationship.

The resentments will move them towards creating an automatic filter that converts most things in the relationship into a negative experience.

Their husband or wife can start to feel that nothing they do works or is ever good enough. [Read more...]

The Sex-Starved Relationship

So who is to say how much sex is the right amount of sex for couples in committed long-term relationships? There are many theories, but whatever the frequency and level of engagement it’s important they are on the same page and happy. 

Research is telling us that a significant amount couples are disappointment with their sex lives. Some focused on quantity some on quality and some just grateful for whatever is on offer with an ongoing hint of resentment.

Some want a richer and more passionate sexual connection but are afraid to bring up their true needs and desires through fear of not being loved or accepted.

Some are just not interested and see sex as just sex so not very important, totally unaware of the suffering their partner is feeling each time they are rejected. So for some, they will give up asking and start detaching. [Read more...]

“We are at breaking point – I just can’t continue like this…”

When someone comes to me with this message what they are after is CERTAINTY – they want me to help them out of this private hell and into a better life.

They want the pain to stop. It’s likely they have been in emotional pain and suffering for a while, some can feel themselves emotionally detaching from their partner.

In their hearts, they know that life shouldn’t be this way, but they are paralysed not sure what to do for the best. Whichever way they turn there is either more pain and suffering or total uncertainty.

They may have tried to talk about it, but they are likely to become more frustrated as they go round in circles, but not really knowing why.

Both people are likely to be exhausted with it all so they end up seeking ways to meet their needs outside of the relationship.

So what do they do? Can they be helped? [Read more...]

She’s lost sexual interest in him – Why?

If you are a woman wondering why you have lost attraction and sexual interest in your husband, or you are a man confused/upset because your wife no longer seems interested in sex this post is for you.

Many naturally feminine women are becoming stuck in a masculine identity in their relationship as their husbands are struggling to know what to do to keep their wives emotionally safe.

Most husbands know how to keep her physically safe, but emotional security is a totally confusing concept for so many men.

For many women in a long-term relationship the bridge to a sexual connection is preceded by a need for an emotional connection this is what she needs to align with him so attraction is created within her for him. [Read more...]

“My husband has no empathy” – Has she got this right?

Many women come into my sessions with this message “My husband has no empathy”. What she has experienced is there seems to be from her perspective little emotion from him and little understanding of what she is saying or going through. 

For her, he has little desire to share his feelings with her or to make any changes that help her connect with him. This will naturally affect her trust in him and her desire to trust he will be there for her.

Historically she is likely to have tried to get through to him. This leaves her with the impression she has to emotionally look after herself and she can start to struggle to see the point of him… [Read more...]

Number one problem that all couples face – BUT they don’t know!

In today’s post I want to share with you something that is really important if your relationship is struggling or on the edge of divorce.

So week after week I sit with couples in all manner of crisis. Affairs, loss of love, power struggles, communication problems to name a few.

These situations are always complex in terms of how they have been generated, this means the couples are creating their very own unique path to crisis.

What’s simple to see is the trends all couples are doing.

One of my observations is people in or on the road to crisis stop being who they really are when they are with their partner. [Read more...]

Change the patterns of behaviour that are hurting your relationship

We all have behaviour patterns that help us lead efficient lives. We don’t want to think about which shoe we always put on first. BUT… What we do need to look at is the habitual patterns we have that are damaging our lives and our relationships.

Many people are totally unaware of how their actions are leading themselves to an unhappy place. With some basic knowledge of what’s really going on they can develop new and powerful skills that can grow both themselves and their relationships.

One of the challenges all couples face is both people in the relationship have created patterns of behaviour without knowing.

This has two effects, either their patterns have lead them to a loving, connected passionate life together, or their patterns have lead them to feel disconnected from each other.

What’s great about any pattern is it can be quickly changed once you know why it’s there. So the person with a pattern that is damaging their relationship is not hardwired to repeat their pattern, even though they do it without thought and will defend it. [Read more...]

7 Popular Posts on StephenHedger.com

At least once per year I like to highlight popular posts for new readers and remind long-term readers of important messages that are easy to forget. 

There is no question that relationships are complicated, this is why I have committed to help people across the globe with my perspective on relationships through this free blog.

My unique perspective comes from spending most of my week with couples in crisis on the brink of divorce. [Read more...]

20 Relationship Facts Most People Don’t Know Are Damaging

Below is a list of challenges many people are not aware of that can have a profound affect on the quality of their relationship. It’s not in any kind of order so I wonder how many you are aware of.

1. If you protect yourself from the person you married the love will slowly die, this because you can’t love your partner and protect yourself from them at the same time.

2. Many women criticise their husbands because they think their husband will hear them and change. Criticism for men creates emotional distance from their wife, not a desire to change in the way she wants.

3. When women in relationships enter rage at their husbands they can communicate every wrong (in her mind) he has ever done, she can put it in the most hurtful way and not let it go. Men hear this this as an attack he has to protect himself from. [Read more...]

Losing your identity in a marriage

Losing who you are is a very common problem especially for couples who spend extended time struggling to deal with their ongoing disconnection.

Many people can find they have lost a sense of who they are because over the years they have bent themselves out of shape to try to either please their partner, or be who they they think their partner wants them to be.

I see so many people who have lost who they are in their marriage and this can be devastating for this person and their partner as the relationship is starved of what it really needs to survive.

People who lose who they are suffer greatly.

Losing your essence is emotionally exhausting because whichever way they turn life can feel wrong this can be very frightening for that person. [Read more...]

7 reasons why so many couples are heading towards divorce

The following list is typically what I see is missing from the couples I meet in my sessions everyday who are at crisis-point and are looking for answers or a safer direction.

Their challenges can range from loss-of-love to affairs, from discovery of escort services to family issues, from loss of trust to power struggles.

You name it and i’ve seen it!

What’s interesting is these couples are all very unique, they are all driven differently and operate very different value systems and they all naturally have very unique childhoods.

Given these differences every couple has to have from me a very different approach to help them gain the answers they require, but the core practices listed below that help maintain healthy relationships are not present in a large percentage of these couples.

So I thought it might be worth while expanding on these points so you can take a look at how many of these are present or not in your relationship. [Read more...]

“My partner doesn’t want to attend couples counselling – what do I do?”

What do you do when one person is desperate to get professional help and the other person will not go? I know for many this situation is so frustrating because they feel so stuck. 

Far too many people wait until they are on the edge of divorce before they are willing to seek help and this causes them significant stress that could have been avoided.

Fortunately there is a solution to help you be heard…

Before i jump into this post I wanted to give you two pieces of news.

  1. The better relationship program offer ends in 6 days – please hurry I only offer this program twice per year. Click here to attend
  2. I have now opened my home in Oxfordshire for couples to spend time with me in addition to my Harley Street office.

In todays post I thought it might be useful to expand on this topic of a partner blocking attending counselling, because I hear this so many times.

There are many reasons that can sit behind this specific problem. [Read more...]

Exactly why do so many marriages struggle to make it! – How do you stop it from going wrong?

If you are one of those couples who’s worried about your future together, I know through my own personal life and relationship journey the ups and downs of getting it wrong is incredibly painful.

What I’ve learned in the past 30 years has really shocked me.

It shocked me because I never knew growing up from anyone what needs to happen for a marriage to really last and thrive – To be open with you I never thought I had to do much other than be a nice guy and work hard.

How wrong can you be… [Read more...]

Please Save Our Marriage! – Testimonial

Please Save Our Marriage! This was the first email I recieved from Darren and Sue, they were at breaking point.

When they first entered my clinic you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. This was a couple with young children on the edge, breaking up seemed like the only option open to them…

Sue recounts what happened next…

When Darren and I first came to see Stephen, Darren and I were very disconnected in our relationship. We were in the midst of a power struggle and were successfully bringing out the worst in each other in our relationship. I had pretty much lost hope [Read more...]

“I dread coming home”

One of the most challenging feelings for any person in an intimate relationship is the dread of what you know or think you know is going to happen on the other side of your front door, night after night.

Or maybe you’re the person dreading your partner coming home, your heart sinks as the the key goes in the front door and your peace is about to end – so the armour has to go on.

So many people have this life sapping experience and many will find ways to not come home (work longer hours) or they will find things to do without their partner (escape in some way).

As you read through todays post I will share the number one action a person can take that can lead their relationship to severe disconnection and make this situation far worse. [Read more...]

Empowering couples to understand how to permanently fix their problems

The only way to solve relationship problems is through empowering men and women to be more effective partners. 

Education is the key because men and women are so far apart in terms of how they operate in an intimate relationship they will keep misunderstanding each other without knowing.

So understanding each other is next to impossible without the right information, so sadly they live disconnected and blame each other, or they can feel are in the wrong relationship.

So many people live in a disempowered state, they suffer for years and naturally conclude the relationship is the problem so they should leave.

At some point this will mean a new relationship is likely.

The challenge for the person who doesn’t have the right information is a new relationship can repeat the same or similar problems. [Read more...]

Are the MEANINGS YOU are putting to your partners behaviours killing your relationship?

I see so many coupes in conflict over one thing, there is a continuous giant misunderstanding of each other and they are both guilty of not seeing it.

What’s very sad is this misunderstanding is widespread and is crippling couples and destroying families everywhere as they wrongly assume their relationship can’t work.

Growing up I can’t ever remember being given any information around the staggering differences between men and women and this was setting me up for failure and a lot of pain. [Read more...]

How to fix a broken marriage no matter what’s happened?

After developing a marriage breakthrough program for couples in crisis and applying it to the man on the street, major celebrities, to business leaders and entrepreneurs and successfully bringing these couples back from the brink of divorce time-after-time.

Here are a few of the key principals I have learnt on this amazing journey with couples right on the edge of divorce.

1. The most important focus for any couple.

I have learnt that this decision is critical not just in maintaining a successful marriage, but an essential part of the relationship building process.

Put your partner first..! If your partner feels [Read more...]

Too many people regret divorcing once the dust has settled

What do you do when a spouse is convinced the marriage is over? Unfortunately for many couples, they are unaware of how much havoc their minds can play with their thoughts as they struggle to make sense of their marital crisis. 

So I thought it worthwhile to expand this topic to help you either avoid this or take action if divorce is on your mind.

I see a good volume of couples that have split up prior to seeing me and months/years later come to my session needing help to understand what happened and how can they ensure it doesn’t happen again.

When we experience relationship problems, of course, our feelings are real, but the meanings we put to them are not going to be as factual as we might think. A study was conducted and it revealed that at least 50% of people that chose to divorce [Read more...]

Passionless Marriage: “Sex life dying – want to know why?”

One of the most common problems couples face is a loss of passion. If you are in a passionless marriage then I’m going to share the most common causes and what to do about it.

When I see couples in this place I know I have to help them generate a new dynamic that reconnects them. They need to understand two things, what’s really been killing the passion and they need to learn the tools that will keep their passion alive in the future.

So let’s look at a common end result.

If the wife becomes the man in her relationship it’s a sure-fire way to make her struggle to see the point in him. If the husband feels that no matter what he does she’s never happy with him, with no solution available to him, he can give up.

These types of situations result in one or both people feeling emotionally unsafe in the relationship. [Read more...]