Get your marriage back on track – For Men

Too many couples wait far too long before they seek help. Men in particular are really struggling to see how bad the relationship really is for her and he only wakes up to the true severity of the problem when she says she doesn’t love him, or she wants out.

So many men have sat in my sessions totally confused about how it got so bad so fast. The truth is for her it’s likely to have been bad for a while he has just missed the signs.

The chances are for her the problems have been consciously present for at least two years. Some women communicate problems and fears from the start of the relationship. [Read more...]

5 Actions That Can Lead Couples To Serious Problems

If you have been a subscriber for a while you will know that I see a lot of couples at crisis point with serious problems all wanting help to discover if it’s possible to create a dynamic that could work long-term. 

Every couple comes to the session with a unique problem, usually a combination of destructive factors some obvious and some which the couple are totally blind to.

Usually one person wants to win the relationship back and the others feelings ranges from totally detached to wanting the marriage to work, but not convinced anyone could help them. [Read more...]

This is the truth that if understood will set couples free

Yes this is a big statement, but I don’t make it lightly. As you scan this post today you may start to see a possibility that was not there before.

When problems start to occur in a relationship one of the automatic processes that individuals experience is they respond to their problems with their habitual coping strategies. These are behaviours usually designed to protect them from being hurt emotionally.

The problem this behaviour creates is the person is now focused on protecting themselves rather than contributing positively to the relationship. This means they are no longer an effective contributor to the relationship and are actually contributing to the destruction of the relationship. [Read more...]

Can you really trust what you feel?

Todays post is so important to understand because too many couples are in trouble for a reason they are not connecting to. So I want to help you understand what can happen to a couple that could lead to a disconnection.

When couples try to fix what they think is the problem most couples will fail, but without knowing the real reason why. This can lead them to the wrong assumption about their relationship and so sadly they give up.

So imagine this, a person has felt bad in a relationship for a while and has attached those bad feelings to the relationship, so far a normal situation, but…

What if this person has actually created their own bad feelings and without knowing incorrectly made the relationship responsible?

This situation is very common, but is then confused by their partners reaction to this new emotional state in them. The ping-pong of confused, negative feelings mask where the problem started and so a symptom is created for the couple to either focus on, try to fix, or ignore leaving many couples lost. [Read more...]

A professional couple new baby at the point of divorce.

He worked in the financial sector she was a psychologist. In their initial consultation it was clear to see their relationship was dying fast. With a new baby that wasn’t sleeping I could see this couple was exhausted and emotionally empty.

Combination of punishing work schedules and a 18 month old child who was too ill to sleep had triggered this couple into an automatic destructive process that had to be interrupted.

Both were focused on protecting themselves from the other, they were displaying all the usual coping strategies of blame, recrimination and power struggles leading to unbearable conflicts and days of deafening silences.  [Read more...]

Should couples expect relationship problems?

I have put this post together because a few people have asked me why couples that started their lives together in love can find themselves in serious trouble without there being an obvious problem like an affair? 

I want you to see the chain reaction that leads relationships to go wrong. Of course every situation is different, but there are some core challenges which underpins the process to go from a loving relationship to divorce.

The process I have illustrated is simplified so this post didn’t turn into a book, however please note each part has many complexities and consequences. [Read more...]

Who else wants a better relationship?

I’m sure that many of you are aware of this. How a relationship starts is not the greatest indicator of what it will turn into 3, 5, 10, 30 years down the line.

There are many little know factors that affect the quality of a relationship and the direction it will ultimately take.

So when couples come to me for help the one thing I communicate fairly consistently is, I expect all couples will have problems they don’t know how to solve. So when this has happened in their relationship what they do next will have consequences, some good, some not so good? Many act in ways that unwittingly ignite a time bomb that eventually leads one person to plan an escape in the future.

Whenever I happen to see couples on their wedding day I have this urge to run after them and help them, of course I never do, can you imagine the reception I might get. [Read more...]

“Why are you not helping your sister?”

I had to share this personal Hedger family story with you, the story in this post today is responsible for significant breakdown in marriages across the world, and it could be easily avoided.

In the moment this situation made me smile, however the bigger picture has far more serious consequences if the lesson is not learnt.

I can’t stress enough how important this is…

So picture this, Cloe and I are sitting down for dinner with the children, it’s a typical evening at the Hedger house. On this occasion I tell the children that Cloe and I have something important to discuss privately and their help with clearing up after dinner would be much appreciated.

Over the years Cloe and I have encouraged the children to [Read more...]

I’m Stuck Do I Divorce Or Not?

I have noticed an interesting trend. More and more individuals are coming asking for my advice alone. They are telling me they can see that I’m consistently helping couples rebuild seemingly dead marriages and want my thoughts on their situation.

Many are in a marriage that has not been working for a while and they have been in a few minds about staying, getting help, or divorcing.

The reason they are in this place is many and varied, but something is blocking them from understanding their situation with enough clarity to take decisive action. For some their situation is very clear from their friends perspective, but even so, none of the options feel right, so they are stuck.

London Lawyers very often [Read more...]

What does the brain have to do to fall out of love?

This is an interesting question because the brain did something when the couple fell in love. The brain then changed to do something different to fall out of love.

What changed was the persons perception. To fall in love the person would have created a future perception that would have seemed very attractive and compelled them to want stay in the relationship.

To fall out of love the persons future perception would have changed from a compelling future to a future of pain if they stayed in the relationship.

Moving towards a perceptually painful experience is not something most humans are comfortable with.

The big “BUT” here is this, [Read more...]

She nearly lost a perfectly good marriage

The reason for sharing this post today is because many individuals leave their marriage and regret it later when it’s far too late to get it back. The impact on themselves and their family is destructive.

They think what they feel at the point they decide to leave the marriage is what they will still feel later and this is their illusion.

When a person really takes the time to understand why their thinking is leading them to want to leave the relationship, they are very likely to discover far more than they were consciously aware of.

This couple were married for over 15 years and everyone thought they were a great couple. He knew the relationship wasn’t great, but was not aware of how bad it had become for her. She loved him as a friend, but she longed for that youthful spark again, the fun, the passion, the hope of new adventures and surprises. She was a good mum, but she wanted to feel like a woman again.

She didn’t want an affair, but she knew she wanted more from her life of love. [Read more...]

Are your habits and patterns of behaviour leading you both to love or disaster?

If you have been following past posts you will know how challenging it is to deal with hidden challenges in the relationship. Today I’m going to uncover another hidden problem that’s so important to learn.

One of the challenges all couples face is both people in the relationship have created patterns of behaviour without knowing.

This has two effects, either their patterns have lead them to a loving, connected passionate life together, or their patterns have lead them to feel disconnected from each other.

What’s great about any pattern is it can be quickly changed. So the person with a pattern that is damaging their relationship is not hardwired to repeat their pattern, even though they do it without thought.

Our patterns are created through our life experiences and for the most they happen without conscious thought. This gives the illusion that the pattern is part of their identity. [Read more...]

When is a relationship most vulnerable?

Below are a few very common ways that relationships can become vulnerable, some are obvious and many are not and couples fall foul of these situations without knowing.

This list is in no particular order…

1. Couples with children about or have left home

It’s easy for couples to spend their entire life together focused on everything but feeding the relationship what it really needs.

The prioritisation of work, children, friends, hobbies external family lead to the relationship dying.

It’s likely one person may have complained historically it wasn’t working, but they brushed it to one side, fingers crossed they would be ok.

You see once the children leave home if there is no emotional connection then the point of the relationship dies.  [Read more...]

Helping a couple to breakthrough their problems and avoid divorce

How is it possible to help a couple in crisis? How can you bring a couple back from the brink of divorce? How is it possible to help that couple even if that couple are convinced there is no way back?

The answer is to change the thinking that lead them both to disaster. But the way they change their thinking has to connect them to their true-selves otherwise the changes cannot be sustained.

The reason couples struggle so much and end up shutting down and seeing divorce as the only option is because they were trying to use the thinking that created their problems to solve their problems.

New understandings about their experience together is the key to new meanings and a safer future together.

Communication is critical in any relationship so couples have to learn how to translate what their partner has really been trying to say. [Read more...]

Emotional detachment – A hidden danger for couples!

Many couples that come for help tell me that their friends have no idea they are having serious marriage troubles. Yet the problems they face are very common and are today affecting many couples.

For many years most of those couples were having problems, but were not aware of how serious they were, because at that moment in time no one was wanting to get out of the relationship.

For these couples life seemed fine, not perfect, but who’s life is perfect anyway? So they accept the little problems as they work hard to become the best parents and best providers they can be. [Read more...]

Getting to the truth in your relationship

One of the most important elements in rebuilding a relationship is getting to the truth. Many couples circle their real problems with the hope of either protecting the relationship, themselves or both. Some couples are not aware of what the truth is, some individuals have a totally different idea of the truth from their partner.

Many individuals with real problems can re-write the truth to fit with their new objectives.

Getting the truth on the table is the key to solving any problem. You see when couples start to understand the real reason why they are having problems their reactions to each other can then change dramatically. [Read more...]

Feeling stuck? Fed-up of going round in circles?

Need a solution to a problem that has trapped you? It’s important to know that the thinking that helped to create a problem is not the thinking that will create a solution to the problem. Many people feeling stuck are not aware of this important fact and that’s why they go round in circles. This statement is especially true in relationships as the love, the trust , the respect dies and the relationship no longer meets the couples needs.

In this place the future for the couple dies and getting out of pain seems like the only pleasure.

There are many different types of problems, but what happens when a problem leads the person or the couple into a dead-end where one or both people are so stuck ending the relationship becomes a very real consideration?

To change the situation you have to change the way the individual or couple think about their problem that leads them to the truth. You see to become stuck they will have run out of ways to approach their problem. [Read more...]

“How can I trust you if you don’t even try to understand me?”

If a person wants to communicate with someone the only way to do that effectively is to understand them. To be an effective communicator you have to be a good listener you have to understand their world from their perspective. If you don’t do this you are putting your frame of reference on their words, this process changes the meaning of their words and this disconnects trust between them and you.

Many couples fight about what was said or not said, in the moment they are translating each others words through a filter of fear (BTW anger is a fear response) and so this changes what they thought the other person said, or the meaning behind their partners words.

The more couples go round in circles not understanding each other the faster they shut down into a transactional relationship as an emotional connection is not safe for either person. [Read more...]

Who are the couples most likely to fix their marriage?

Couples that are most likely to fix their relationship are the ones that will do whatever it takes to fix it. They are the people who want to get to the truth even if the truth is tough.

The people who fix their relationships are not looking for the quick fix. They are prepared to do what’s hard now, so the rest of their life is easy. This is in stark contrast to those couples who’s philosophy is to repeat what feels easy whilst they battle with their problems for life.

Couples that get results are curious to learn. They are open to see the world from a new perspective, their mission is not to be right at all costs. Their mission is simply to get to the truth. [Read more...]

If a relationship feels wrong is the relationship really the problem?

Many people are ending relationships thinking they know why only to discover months or years later that the reason they felt so bad was totally unrelated to their partner or the relationship. Some discover the discomfort gets worse when they leave for good and some discover the same problems are repeating themselves in their new relationships. 

So why does a person want to leave? If a person is in emotional pain they are focused on one mission, to escape their pain and to feel better. If they have attach their pain to the relationship then they get feelings that tell them to leave.

The question is are they right, is the relationship really the root cause of their pain?

Many people are trying to change how they feel through their environment, the chemicals they put in their body, the way they look, the stuff they buy or they try to change people in their lives. What they discover is none of it really works.

What they are missing is the most profound change only happens when they work on changing themselves. [Read more...]