If a relationship feels wrong is the relationship really the problem?

Many people are ending relationships thinking they know why only to discover months or years later that the reason they felt so bad was totally unrelated to their partner or the relationship. Some discover the discomfort gets worse when they leave for good and some discover the same problems are repeating themselves in their new relationships. 

So why does a person want to leave? If a person is in emotional pain they are focused on one mission, to escape their pain and to feel better. If they have attach their pain to the relationship then they get feelings that tell them to leave.

The question is are they right, is the relationship really the root cause of their pain?

Many people are trying to change how they feel through their environment, the chemicals they put in their body, the way they look, the stuff they buy or they try to change people in their lives. What they discover is none of it really works.

What they are missing is the most profound change only happens when they work on changing themselves. [Read more...]

Every couple is totally unique and so the solution to their problems has to be unique too…

I have been getting letters from my readers wanting more information because the service I offer seems so different.

The answer is the difference is significant I will share two of the many differences today and how my clients are being supported by these differences.

If you have been a reader for a while you will know that education is a key factor because many couples simply don’t have the knowledge of how to be married and how be an effective partner. The second key difference is the couple will work through key steps, milestones designed to lead them to their desired outcome. [Read more...]

How to become a couple for life

In todays post I’m going to give you a skill that’s critical if you want your relationship to work. These days becoming a couple for life is becoming more of a challenge.

Couples are giving up far too early, if they explored the truth in their relationship a significant percentage would learn their relationship could actually be not just saved, but converted into an amazing place of security, love, passion and fun.

Difficult to imagine if you are having a tough time, but it’s possible because I see this change happen right before my eyes as the couple learn how to reconnect.

Couples at the start of their relationships are both doing exactly what works for that couple to have a “success dynamic”. They feel good about themselves when they are with their partner and this is the reason why they are together and can see a wonderful future. [Read more...]

Why suffer when you don’t need to…

Without someone special to share your life with it’s a challenge for many people to feel truly fulfilled. No matter how much wealth, or success a person has, nothing comes close to creating the same feeling of being connected to a person who is equally passionate about your relationship.

Many people who start their relationship with the best of intentions can find themselves in very difficult circumstances, lost, alone, disconnected, misunderstood, with no obvious way to get their relationships back on track.

So couples in this awful place have three choices. [Read more...]

Relationship problems? Please read this…

If you are having relationship problems it’s got to be one of the worst challenges life can throw at us. So in todays post I want to share some critical information that you don’t get told in day-to-day life to help you. So if you want to understand and fix your problems this little know philosophy is a must if you want to get on the right path to save your relationship. 

So if I am working with a couple in crisis the reason I chose not to focus initially on the problem the couples faces is because their “problem” is going to be a symptom of a challenge in their historic dynamic.

I am always looking for this hidden challenge in their dynamic because this is the real key to helping them solving their problems. [Read more...]

Are you trying to change your husband?

In this case I don’t mean for a different one, what I mean is do you find yourself trying to control him (to be your version of better man) because he doesn’t do what you think he should do?

If you do try to help him to be your version of better man. If this is your goal have you noticed that he is naturally turning into the man you wanted, or are you finding the he is becoming more detached and uncaring?

Has not trusting him to get the promotion, drive the way you do, look after the kids the way you do, has any of those types of behaviours turned him into the man you can look up to?

OR…

Has he become just one of the children for you just another person to look after? Do you find he no longer attractive to you and do you wish he would just man up? [Read more...]

Don’t wish your marriage was easier – Wish you were better!

The truth is you can’t get rid of a couples problems because couples will always have problems. Life has this habit of throwing problems at us when we are least expecting it.

So the goal is not to try to get rid of problems, the goal is to become better at dealing with your problems as a team.

Many couples that visit my sessions are taught these vital skills so that no matter what hits them they are better skilled at understanding how to support each other.

The 3 key skills that need to be learnt are the ones that consistently create all three:-

  1. The best outcome for you,
  2. The best outcome for your partner and…
  3. Is good for the relationship.

And yes to achieve this you do need something very special…

[Read more...]

Panic!

You have tried everything you can think of to fix your marriage and nothing works, you may have tried counselling and that’s not helped and now you’re looking at really big problems. Stay in a marriage that doesn’t work, or go for a divorce that’s scary one minute and attractive the next.

When you’re running out of choices of what to do and the options are looking like big life changing decisions that will affect so many it’s so easy to panic and make the wrong decision.

Now it might be that divorce is right for you, so finding out what direction will lead you to real safely is important, so… [Read more...]

What do you mean?

Meanings are critical part of life, they can lead us to passionate loving connections or to an expensive and messy divorce. So one key part of what I coach couples to understand is the meanings they give to their partners words and actions.

Not understanding this is a major problem for many couples so if your looking for answers this will be key. You see we all create meanings to situations, but most people don’t question the meanings other people are putting to the same situation.

So I remember asking a man in a session to communicate to his partner about their relationship and how he was feeling. I wrote down what he said. I then asked her to tell me what he had just said, so she did… [Read more...]

Coming soon: New Video Training from the “Relationship Academy”

Cloe and I have been planning this project for a while. We really wanted to help couples across the world gain access to video training that could teach the fundamentals of relationship building in the comfort of their own home.

I have many subscribers that simply cannot get to the UK for my one-on-one consultancy. So this will help everyone understand the fundamental philosophies and skills that are helping my clients go from serious problems to understanding and relief as they rebuild their marriages.

I’m very excited about this project because it helps me to reach more people in a very powerful way.

logo-hires

The Relationship Academy will answer the hot questions that couples struggle to understand the answers to.

These videos will unearth the key focus that need to be in place if you want your relationship not just to last, but to remain passionate.

If you are interested to know when this goes live please click here.

 

No energy for passion eh?

A couple were in my session they said they had really busy lives and not much energy for passion. Both said by 9.00pm they were tired from work, cooking and kids. So I asked them if a man from the nationally lottery turned up at 9.00pm with £20,000,000 would they still have no energy. Of course not they both answered.

So it’s not true you have no energy, you just have no energy when left alone with each other, your love is clearly there, they nodded, but you are not using the energy that’s clearly inside you both for each other? This got them thinking…

You see life is about the energy you bring to your life, successful lives is about the energy that brings the outcomes you desire. A successful relationship is about creating the energy that both people can share and enjoy.

So what energy is going to lead couples to success? [Read more...]

Who do you become to cope with your problems?

One of the most challenging parts of building a successful marriage is when one or both people are living, or are focused in such away they have become someone they are not to cope with their relationship or their life. 

This is most apparent when couples misunderstand each others words or actions and they move to protect themselves. They can become frustrated, angry, shut down, sad, depressed or lonely to name a few.

For example:

When a relationship goes wrong a person will naturally move to focus on protecting themselves, the problem is, if this focus is practiced enough that person can become stuck in becoming someone they are not and living that way in their relationship. [Read more...]

Do you want her to really feel your love?

To all men, if you really want her to connect with you it’s so important to understand this little know fact. For a woman the connection through her eyes creates a powerful emotional energy that allows her to connect deeply with him. 

When he can look into her eyes and be there for her through all her emotions, only then can he really connect with her in the way she wants. His eye contact can trigger within her a true vulnerability that can allow her to be fully open to him emotionally and sexually.

You see through his eye contact she can see the truth in him for her, she can feel safe, secure and loved, but there is another side to this as you will discover… [Read more...]

How to get a couple from near divorce back to love step-by-step

One of the reasons I love the process of coaching couples through their problems is the precision in which I can help them both see how to get to their desired result. 

Through the diagram below I will explain how it works.

Six-step-chart

Every couple is different and so the process from A-B will be unique to them

The green letter ‘A’ represents where the couple are today. This is important to understand because the couple will present where they think they are and sometimes it’s far worse than they think and sometimes it’s far better. [Read more...]

Now discover why couples keep failing to fix their problems

The keys to keeping a marriage successful is understanding the real problems in your marriage and focusing on the steps most likely to fix those problems.

I am constantly at the sharp end of all manner of marital challenges and I can tell you that for most couples the problems they come to the sessions with are not the problems I have to fix.

So a couple might come with detachment problems, loss of love, sexual disconnection, frequent conflict, money problems, controlling behaviours, communication issues to name a few.

The couple will feel these specific challenges are their problems and could have tried to fix them, most will be unsuccessful.  [Read more...]

Major Cause of Marriage Problems: Loss of your sex life

One of the major causes of marriage problems is sexual disconnection. Couples that are struggling to connect outside of the bedroom will undoubtedly have trouble connecting within it.

Both male and female have the ability to disconnect if they feel the marriage is not working for them.

For those thinking that you have a sexual problem please be mindful that your sex life, or lack of it, is likely to be due to problems in your current dynamic combined with your history together.

One gentlemen came to me so shocked that his partner had embarked on a string of one night stands. He told me that because they had not had sex for years he was convinced she just wasn’t interested in sex. We are all sexual creatures [Read more...]

Marriage counselling not working for you? Please don’t give up!

A significant percentage of my clients come searching for a different approach after failing to achieve their goals with traditional couples therapies.

If you feel that you have tried everything reading this is
important to know before you give up. 

My belief is that couples in trouble need a very specific approach, an approach that firstly enables them to connect to their true identities before we focus them on how to fix their specific problems. Time and time again this approach works as the individuals become free to safely explore their relationship with a new philosophy that will keep them safe no matter what happens.

This focus on the individuals is important because if you focus couples on their problems too early in the process the individual(s) will become even more entrenched in naturally protecting themselves. Fearful states will naturally shut their minds down and so they are not open to the change that’s needed to fix their problems. Change at this point is far too overwhelming. [Read more...]

Why an affair is NOT the right solution

Of all the relationship challenges I deal with, this one has to be the one that causes the most problems on so many levels.

In fact, if I ever discover one person in my session is still involved with a third party and hasn’t told me, I will stop the couples sessions and move them to individuals sessions immediately. The reason is the brain chemistry of two people in an affair is far too powerful and creates illusions of love which will cripple their chances of fixing their marriage.

Many people who have had affairs and are struggling to end them complain of being confused, their reality is they are totally unaware they are actually battling with these powerful brain chemicals.

I have seen people make life changing decisions during affairs only to want their marriage back months later because the brain chemistry has settled down and the new lover has now lost their appeal. Some are very lucky and get their partners back and some lose their former lives forever.  [Read more...]

Is the way you think going to lead you to love or divorce?

What are you and your partner feeding your brains about your relationship and what impact is it having on you both?

The reason I ask is because many people are not aware of the power that comes from consistently conditioning their brain. It’s powerful because it creates feelings and we attach feelings to things, thoughts and people.

So if a woman feels bad every time she talks to her husband, she will create an association to him that’s bad. She is conditioning her brain about how she feels about him.

You see from feelings people make decisions and many people are feeling wrong in their marriage and are deciding a divorce is the best solution to that problem. [Read more...]

5 Steps to know if you are in the right relationship

I have an amazing job I spending my days teaching couples how to fall in love again, or know they are really with the wrong partner.

I really can’t think of a more rewarding life. Every day couples come looking for advice, they want to know if they are compatible because their past has put their compatibility in question?

My job is to take those couples through 5 key stages that will help them learn their truth. These steps are so valuable they can actually save lives from being wasted and as we only have one life this is critical to know.

I believe your life is valuable and understanding if you’re with the right partner has got to be worth it’s weight in gold. [Read more...]