Are your habits and patterns of behaviour leading you both to love or disaster?

If you have been following past posts you will know how challenging it is to deal with hidden challenges in the relationship. Today I’m going to uncover another hidden problem that’s so important to learn.

One of the challenges all couples face is both people in the relationship have created patterns of behaviour without knowing.

This has two effects, either their patterns have lead them to a loving, connected passionate life together, or their patterns have lead them to feel disconnected from each other.

What’s great about any pattern is it can be quickly changed. So the person with a pattern that is damaging their relationship is not hardwired to repeat their pattern, even though they do it without thought.

Our patterns are created through our life experiences and for the most they happen without conscious thought. This gives the illusion that the pattern is part of their identity. [Read more...]

When is a relationship most vulnerable?

Below are a few very common ways that relationships can become vulnerable, some are obvious and many are not and couples fall foul of these situations without knowing.

This list is in no particular order…

1. Couples with children about or have left home

It’s easy for couples to spend their entire life together focused on everything but feeding the relationship what it really needs.

The prioritisation of work, children, friends, hobbies external family lead to the relationship dying.

It’s likely one person may have complained historically it wasn’t working, but they brushed it to one side, fingers crossed they would be ok.

You see once the children leave home if there is no emotional connection then the point of the relationship dies.  [Read more...]

Helping a couple to breakthrough their problems and avoid divorce

How is it possible to help a couple in crisis? How can you bring a couple back from the brink of divorce? How is it possible to help that couple even if that couple are convinced there is no way back?

The answer is to change the thinking that lead them both to disaster. But the way they change their thinking has to connect them to their true-selves otherwise the changes cannot be sustained.

The reason couples struggle so much and end up shutting down and seeing divorce as the only option is because they were trying to use the thinking that created their problems to solve their problems.

New understandings about their experience together is the key to new meanings and a safer future together.

Communication is critical in any relationship so couples have to learn how to translate what their partner has really been trying to say. [Read more...]

Emotional detachment – A hidden danger for couples!

Many couples that come for help tell me that their friends have no idea they are having serious marriage troubles. Yet the problems they face are very common and are today affecting many couples.

For many years most of those couples were having problems, but were not aware of how serious they were, because at that moment in time no one was wanting to get out of the relationship.

For these couples life seemed fine, not perfect, but who’s life is perfect anyway? So they accept the little problems as they work hard to become the best parents and best providers they can be. [Read more...]

Getting to the truth in your relationship

One of the most important elements in rebuilding a relationship is getting to the truth. Many couples circle their real problems with the hope of either protecting the relationship, themselves or both. Some couples are not aware of what the truth is, some individuals have a totally different idea of the truth from their partner.

Many individuals with real problems can re-write the truth to fit with their new objectives.

Getting the truth on the table is the key to solving any problem. You see when couples start to understand the real reason why they are having problems their reactions to each other can then change dramatically. [Read more...]

Feeling stuck? Fed-up of going round in circles?

Need a solution to a problem that has trapped you? It’s important to know that the thinking that helped to create a problem is not the thinking that will create a solution to the problem. Many people feeling stuck are not aware of this important fact and that’s why they go round in circles. This statement is especially true in relationships as the love, the trust , the respect dies and the relationship no longer meets the couples needs.

In this place the future for the couple dies and getting out of pain seems like the only pleasure.

There are many different types of problems, but what happens when a problem leads the person or the couple into a dead-end where one or both people are so stuck ending the relationship becomes a very real consideration?

To change the situation you have to change the way the individual or couple think about their problem that leads them to the truth. You see to become stuck they will have run out of ways to approach their problem. [Read more...]

“How can I trust you if you don’t even try to understand me?”

If a person wants to communicate with someone the only way to do that effectively is to understand them. To be an effective communicator you have to be a good listener you have to understand their world from their perspective. If you don’t do this you are putting your frame of reference on their words, this process changes the meaning of their words and this disconnects trust between them and you.

Many couples fight about what was said or not said, in the moment they are translating each others words through a filter of fear (BTW anger is a fear response) and so this changes what they thought the other person said, or the meaning behind their partners words.

The more couples go round in circles not understanding each other the faster they shut down into a transactional relationship as an emotional connection is not safe for either person. [Read more...]

Who are the couples most likely to fix their marriage?

Couples that are most likely to fix their relationship are the ones that will do whatever it takes to fix it. They are the people who want to get to the truth even if the truth is tough.

The people who fix their relationships are not looking for the quick fix. They are prepared to do what’s hard now, so the rest of their life is easy. This is in stark contrast to those couples who’s philosophy is to repeat what feels easy whilst they battle with their problems for life.

Couples that get results are curious to learn. They are open to see the world from a new perspective, their mission is not to be right at all costs. Their mission is simply to get to the truth. [Read more...]

If a relationship feels wrong is the relationship really the problem?

Many people are ending relationships thinking they know why only to discover months or years later that the reason they felt so bad was totally unrelated to their partner or the relationship. Some discover the discomfort gets worse when they leave for good and some discover the same problems are repeating themselves in their new relationships. 

So why does a person want to leave? If a person is in emotional pain they are focused on one mission, to escape their pain and to feel better. If they have attach their pain to the relationship then they get feelings that tell them to leave.

The question is are they right, is the relationship really the root cause of their pain?

Many people are trying to change how they feel through their environment, the chemicals they put in their body, the way they look, the stuff they buy or they try to change people in their lives. What they discover is none of it really works.

What they are missing is the most profound change only happens when they work on changing themselves. [Read more...]

Every couple is totally unique and so the solution to their problems has to be unique too…

I have been getting letters from my readers wanting more information because the service I offer seems so different.

The answer is the difference is significant I will share two of the many differences today and how my clients are being supported by these differences.

If you have been a reader for a while you will know that education is a key factor because many couples simply don’t have the knowledge of how to be married and how be an effective partner. The second key difference is the couple will work through key steps, milestones designed to lead them to their desired outcome. [Read more...]

How to become a couple for life

In todays post I’m going to give you a skill that’s critical if you want your relationship to work. These days becoming a couple for life is becoming more of a challenge.

Couples are giving up far too early, if they explored the truth in their relationship a significant percentage would learn their relationship could actually be not just saved, but converted into an amazing place of security, love, passion and fun.

Difficult to imagine if you are having a tough time, but it’s possible because I see this change happen right before my eyes as the couple learn how to reconnect.

Couples at the start of their relationships are both doing exactly what works for that couple to have a “success dynamic”. They feel good about themselves when they are with their partner and this is the reason why they are together and can see a wonderful future. [Read more...]

Why suffer when you don’t need to…

Without someone special to share your life with it’s a challenge for many people to feel truly fulfilled. No matter how much wealth, or success a person has, nothing comes close to creating the same feeling of being connected to a person who is equally passionate about your relationship.

Many people who start their relationship with the best of intentions can find themselves in very difficult circumstances, lost, alone, disconnected, misunderstood, with no obvious way to get their relationships back on track.

So couples in this awful place have three choices. [Read more...]

Relationship problems? Please read this…

If you are having relationship problems it’s got to be one of the worst challenges life can throw at us. So in todays post I want to share some critical information that you don’t get told in day-to-day life to help you. So if you want to understand and fix your problems this little know philosophy is a must if you want to get on the right path to save your relationship. 

So if I am working with a couple in crisis the reason I chose not to focus initially on the problem the couples faces is because their “problem” is going to be a symptom of a challenge in their historic dynamic.

I am always looking for this hidden challenge in their dynamic because this is the real key to helping them solving their problems. [Read more...]

Are you trying to change your husband?

In this case I don’t mean for a different one, what I mean is do you find yourself trying to control him (to be your version of better man) because he doesn’t do what you think he should do?

If you do try to help him to be your version of better man. If this is your goal have you noticed that he is naturally turning into the man you wanted, or are you finding the he is becoming more detached and uncaring?

Has not trusting him to get the promotion, drive the way you do, look after the kids the way you do, has any of those types of behaviours turned him into the man you can look up to?

OR…

Has he become just one of the children for you just another person to look after? Do you find he no longer attractive to you and do you wish he would just man up? [Read more...]

Don’t wish your marriage was easier – Wish you were better!

The truth is you can’t get rid of a couples problems because couples will always have problems. Life has this habit of throwing problems at us when we are least expecting it.

So the goal is not to try to get rid of problems, the goal is to become better at dealing with your problems as a team.

Many couples that visit my sessions are taught these vital skills so that no matter what hits them they are better skilled at understanding how to support each other.

The 3 key skills that need to be learnt are the ones that consistently create all three:-

  1. The best outcome for you,
  2. The best outcome for your partner and…
  3. Is good for the relationship.

And yes to achieve this you do need something very special…

[Read more...]

Panic!

You have tried everything you can think of to fix your marriage and nothing works, you may have tried counselling and that’s not helped and now you’re looking at really big problems. Stay in a marriage that doesn’t work, or go for a divorce that’s scary one minute and attractive the next.

When you’re running out of choices of what to do and the options are looking like big life changing decisions that will affect so many it’s so easy to panic and make the wrong decision.

Now it might be that divorce is right for you, so finding out what direction will lead you to real safely is important, so… [Read more...]

What do you mean?

Meanings are critical part of life, they can lead us to passionate loving connections or to an expensive and messy divorce. So one key part of what I coach couples to understand is the meanings they give to their partners words and actions.

Not understanding this is a major problem for many couples so if your looking for answers this will be key. You see we all create meanings to situations, but most people don’t question the meanings other people are putting to the same situation.

So I remember asking a man in a session to communicate to his partner about their relationship and how he was feeling. I wrote down what he said. I then asked her to tell me what he had just said, so she did… [Read more...]

Coming soon: New Video Training from the “Relationship Academy”

Cloe and I have been planning this project for a while. We really wanted to help couples across the world gain access to video training that could teach the fundamentals of relationship building in the comfort of their own home.

I have many subscribers that simply cannot get to the UK for my one-on-one consultancy. So this will help everyone understand the fundamental philosophies and skills that are helping my clients go from serious problems to understanding and relief as they rebuild their marriages.

I’m very excited about this project because it helps me to reach more people in a very powerful way.

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The Relationship Academy will answer the hot questions that couples struggle to understand the answers to.

These videos will unearth the key focus that need to be in place if you want your relationship not just to last, but to remain passionate.

If you are interested to know when this goes live please click here.

 

No energy for passion eh?

A couple were in my session they said they had really busy lives and not much energy for passion. Both said by 9.00pm they were tired from work, cooking and kids. So I asked them if a man from the nationally lottery turned up at 9.00pm with £20,000,000 would they still have no energy. Of course not they both answered.

So it’s not true you have no energy, you just have no energy when left alone with each other, your love is clearly there, they nodded, but you are not using the energy that’s clearly inside you both for each other? This got them thinking…

You see life is about the energy you bring to your life, successful lives is about the energy that brings the outcomes you desire. A successful relationship is about creating the energy that both people can share and enjoy.

So what energy is going to lead couples to success? [Read more...]

Who do you become to cope with your problems?

One of the most challenging parts of building a successful marriage is when one or both people are living, or are focused in such away they have become someone they are not to cope with their relationship or their life. 

This is most apparent when couples misunderstand each others words or actions and they move to protect themselves. They can become frustrated, angry, shut down, sad, depressed or lonely to name a few.

For example:

When a relationship goes wrong a person will naturally move to focus on protecting themselves, the problem is, if this focus is practiced enough that person can become stuck in becoming someone they are not and living that way in their relationship. [Read more...]