Long Distance Relationship Advice

My partner and I have been having a lot of problems. We were together for 4 months and everything was absolutely perfect, everything was going right and we fit well with each other.

Then after the 4 months we were thrown into an unexpected long distance relationship which equals to a few thousand miles between us (17 hours plane journey). Our relationship changed a lot, its now been a year and one month since we started our relationship so 9 months has been long distance and this has been difficult to say the least.

I would say that I have become quite irrational, I am incredibly jealous now but I never was before the long distance. I trust him much less and I can stress a ridiculous amount which leads to getting angry with him for the smallest thing.

I kind of understand my jealousy because I am jealous of any girl that can be near him but I can’t be, that I have to be thousands of miles away and the horrible feeling that something could happen.

I have become a completely different person which he had always been patient about but I could never seem to change. I don’t know if I can ever change my jealousy especially in a long distance relationship, also the problem is that we would have to be in this distance for another few years.

Its been 9 months and the truth is I’ve been finding it absolute hell, I’ve been stressed, I’ve been crying almost everyday, and its horrible. My Partner on the other hand really likes a long distance relationship, hes been understanding because he loves me so much but I can’t seem to do that for him.

I don’t know at all what to do.

Lisa

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Dear Lisa

Thank you for your email to me, I really feel for you, this is a horrible place to be.

You enter into a perfect relationship and just as it’s getting going, it’s now been taken away.

Now you are left will all these conflicts inside that are now making you really unhappy. On one hand you know these thoughts are irrational, but every day they’re coming into your mind uninvited.

There are two key areas here that are effecting you.

  • 1. The man you love is thousands of miles away from you, and this is not how your relationship or life should be.
  • 2. Your constant focus on potential problems has taken you to a place of fear, which has generated a version of you that is constantly worried and now becoming depressed.

When your life conditions don’t match how you think things should be, you can become miserable, depressed and in this place of fear you have unconsciously gone on a search to discover what problems this long distance relationship could create for you, for him, and the relationship.

  • What’s happened is you have come up with loads of ways this relationship could hurt you or end.

Your boyfriend who seems to be trying to fix this relationship from thousands of miles away knows how unhappy you are, and is telling you that everything is OK and that a long distance relationship with him is not to be feared.

In fact you believe either through his words or your feelings that he likes the relationship this way. If you also believe that, then there is no end to living hell for you…

…I don’t believe any man that loves his woman wants to be thousands of miles away from her ( if you also share that thought, that could be making your feel worse, however…), I expect he is fearful of you getting so upset that you end the relationship, to escape your own fears, and so he could be playing his own feelings down to protect you.

Something needs to change, because you are making yourself unwell and these behaviours in you could create the thing you fear most and that’s a break up, because you both can‘t see away forward.

At the moment this situation for you equals the possibility of the end of your relationship every day.

The other part that I know is hurting you is that you want to give him love and yet from this place of fear you can’t, and that’s deeply hurting you too.

The bottom line is you feel out of control, not able to do, or be, what you want in a life situation you never saw as perfect for you or ever wanted or asked for.

For you to be happy again a change is needed, and so your focus and the meanings you are giving that focus has to be different for you to be OK.

Lisa I am going to contact you direct, I can tell you what needs to change, but I will have to work with you to make that change happen.

If Lisa is happy to work with me, we will be back to share the results.

How To Control Your Emotions

Do you ever feel out of control of your emotions or feelings? Would you like to know what you have to do to get them, and how to change them.

Would it be better for you if happiness now becomes a choice, would that be a good thing for you to have in your life?

Our emotions are governed by three things that we do.

1. Your focus, or where your mind takes you, or what you think about.
2. You physiology how you stand, sit, walk.
3. How you talk to yourself

So when you look at that list what would a depressed person have to practice every day to become depressed.

How to be depressed

They would focus on all that’s bad in their life, they would have their head looking at the floor, maybe head in their hands, moving slowly, tense shoulders, frowning.

At the same time they would be talking to themselves in a way that hurts them (self abuse), they might say things in an aggressive voice such as “you’re useless, you’re never going to be good enough, you’re fat and ugly”… etc.

They will practice all these three things many times a day until they become really good at them. A person who does this is guaranteed to create what we call depression.

Being aware that you can do this means that you’ll also be able to stop it.

If everyday you focus on all that’s great in your life, or what you can be grateful for, then your focus has started to change. What you will notice is you can’t focus on happy thoughts at the same time as unhappy ones. So if I were you I’d choose happy thoughts, they’re are a much better choice.

Now get active run, dance, walk, do gardening, paint a room, anything, but get your body moving. Your movement will help to release feel good chemicals that also combat depression.

The next is great fun and when you next talk to yourself in an abusive way, change the voice you have been using. If you have ever inhaled helium from a balloon, then you know how ridiculous you sound. Use that voice from now on if you get abusive at yourself, or find a voice that you think is silly, or makes you laugh.

  • Try it now! Say what you normally say to abuse yourself in that new silly voice and what do you notice about how you feel. You may laugh, or want to move away from that voice, either way you have changed that destructive pattern.

If you practice these 3 things then your mood will dramatically change. To start with you it will be an effort because you are so used to things happening to you as you live in reaction to the world out of control of you.

But if you drive a car then learning to do that was once a real effort, that now you don’t even think about, just like this will be, all you have to do is practice, practice, practice.

Stephen Hedger the life & relationship coach on this website offers individuals help where depression and anxiety affects their quality of life. If you would like help please click here

Stressed, depressed, anxious, unhappy for no reason?

Many people I see in relationship coaching sessions suffer from an inner conflict of some kind where no matter what they choose they are unhappy. This can bring on feelings of being depressed, stressed, anxious or unhappy either for what they think is the reason, or for no reason at all.

They go round-and-round in circles with their own thoughts, never really knowing what seems right. They know something is wrong, but they can never put their finger on what is really causing their pain.

The most usual route to success with this kind of problem is…

Step one

…is to understand if there is a gap between how they think their life should be compared to their perception of their own reality. A difference here will give anyone a feeling that they are not living the life they were born to live, yet their might be really good reason why they have not got what they want, but they either can’t accept it, or their map of how life should be is out of date.

Step two

…to understand how the different personalities within themselves have created the life they have today. They are usually are living in a fear state were they are ready for problems to hit them all of the time and this version of them is usually exhausted, so they feel down, or depressed, stress, anxious or all four.

Step three

…to understand their critical needs, values and rules for life. What we usually discover is that without knowing they have set these up so they can never win and so they always go round-and-round in circles, looking for answers that never appear. They look for what they think the problem is and so they either blame it, or remove it and this could be their relationship,

Step four

…is to realign all these parts of them so they are working together and then to build strength and confidence within the individual so they are able to create resourceful states at will, so they are always in control.

Taking these four steps whilst getting leverage so a change become easier for the individual makes a massive impact on how the individuals now sees the world.

They can see why they have gotten to where they are today and what is hurting them. This detailed information helps them choose a better way to live and still creates the happiness they were always after.

Does this sound like something you are suffering with, maybe your partner is unhappy, but they don’t know why, or perhaps you have a friend or family member who suffers from depression or stress and can’t seem to break that pattern

  • If so I can help please get in touch today click here

Do You Want An Amazing Life & Relationship?

If you imagine your life in the next 5 years or 10 years, what will it look like?

I know that you know
, that if you do nothing different, then the chances are it will be the same as it is today, the only difference is you will be older with more of what you have been practising to have today.

  • Maybe you have been practicing how to not trust your partner, or even yourself.
  • Maybe you have been practising being your partners judge
  • Maybe you have been practising worrying that you will never be enough for your partner.
  • Maybe you have practised being depressed, or stressed
  • Maybe you have practised overeating, or smoking, or drinking
  • Maybe you have practised being unhappy for no reason

Whatever you have been practising the chances are, you will be really good at it, the question is, is this what you really want? Or is now the time for a change?

Relationship Joy or Hell

Imagine your relationship the same as it is today in 5 or 10 years time, what does that feel like? Can your see it now? What does it make you think?

  • If you have an amazing relationship today how will you keep that intensity going? Just through our need for variety how can you keep this level of attraction going?
  • If you have relationship full of problems and you do nothing what do you think the next five years will be like, let alone ten?

Many people are very happy to live in fear of their future, but very few are happy to plan it, craft it or take control. This is because they are under the illusion that they have no control over their future, so of course they will never do anything except wait for problems to hit them and hope that it will be ok…

You are now 80 years old…

Let’s take this from a different perspective, imagine you are 80 years old and you are looking back on your life, what life do you want to look back on.

What will you regret if you don’t take action on today?

Relationship Patterns of Behaviour

Are you aware of your relationship patterns of behaviour? Have you noticed that we all have all setup patterns in our lives without knowing?

For example

  • Which shoe do you always put on first, left one or the right one?
  • When you brush your teeth, where do you always start, left or right, top or bottom?

These are just two simple patterns that you will always do. You set them up without knowing and for years you run this pattern without thinking or knowing. You have actually set-up thousands of patterns in response to your world and your perception of it.

Do you know someone that is always angry, or always depressed, or always stressed? What pattern are they running?

When you put pressure on these people what comes out is the pattern that they have put into themselves, these people have a pattern of learnt helplessness, because they feel that it is out of their control. No one has told them what they are feeling can be changed all they have to do is change their focus.

They feel that the world, something or someone is controlling how they feel. A depressed person will look for everything that’s wrong in their life and this is their focus, it’s this pattern that keeps their depression alive.

If anyone spent hours looking for everything that’s wrong with their  life, if they spoke slowly in a monotone voice, head down looking at the floor, physically moving slowly whilst running a movie in their mind of how awful their life is and with a belief that life will always be this way, wouldn’t ANYONE be depressed?

Life events don’t cause us to have feeling of depression, it’s the meanings we give to these life events. If we believe that there is only one way to experience that event then we’ll feel helpless. Of course there is hundreds of ways to experience any situation.

Angry people, stress people, sad people, they all run patterns to keep them in this place.

What patterns are you running in your relationship? Tomorrow I will expand on this topic so you will start to understand what might be going on in your relationship.