Fears: A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Most of us are aware that whatever you fear usually gets created, if you are not aware then this is important, if you are aware then this is still very important because it can affect your behaviours.

For example: If you don’t trust your partner, checking up on them, asking when they will be back, what are they doing, who they are speaking to, checking emails and texts, will result in them feeling so trapped that you become someone they cannot trust.

Jealousy is easy to spot, but fears are not as simple as we might imagine to understand.

What happens if YOU are not aware of your biggest fear?

I would say that a good 98% of the people I see have a belief that they fear something only to discover there are 5-10 things they fear more, and these are driving their behaviours, without them knowing. [Read more...]

A Life & Relationship Coach Has All The Answers, Right!? Wrong!!!

I remember having a discussion with someone about life coaching. They were aggressively against it because in her words “…how can anyone tell me..! How to live my life!”.

Many people have this misconception of what happens in coaching sessions, I suppose it’s natural to make an assumption of some kind.

The reality of coaching

Any kind of coach is there to help unlock the potential within the individual(s) so they are free to get the life they want to live.

A coach is there to support individuals through the changes they want to make so they have the best chance of getting the life they desire.

There is a massive difference between helping someone get what they want out of life and telling them what to do, or how to live their life. [Read more...]

“I had become a walking corpse…”

Anna had a very simple goal she just wanted to be loved. A traumatic history combined with an unexpected break-up 2.5 years ago had paralysed Anna and almost frozen her in time. After an initial telephone consultation I knew I had to act fast. She came to see me 3 weeks ago. She had one session with me and we have been in contact over email one / twice a week.

Anna writes: My update since I first saw Stephen 3 weeks ago:

I decided to contact Stephen after yet another lonely weekend, a weekend working rather then going out. Working had become my safety blanket, running away from my sadness and disappointment that had left me disabled and destroyed 2.5 years ago.

The man I had loved with all my heart and I thought would be my husband had left me 2.5 years before after 5 (what I though happy) years for a married woman and he dumped me via a phone call, citing not wanting to have children with me as the major reason. Yet the woman he left me for had two children, not to mention that she was still married.

This sudden and traumatic breakup had caused my world to come crashing down around and me and everything I had believed in. I had been a walking corpse for the past 2.5 years, existing, drowning myself in work 24/7 to escape the tears, blind rage, all consuming anger and disabling anxiety that were always on stand by and ready to flow/come out if I had a spare minute. [Read more...]

Listen To The Alarms They Are There To Protect You!

Too many people ignore the alarms in their relationship and within themselves and end up heading for the rocks. With the right focus this can be avoided but whatever you do, doing nothing is not a good choice and i’ll explain why…

Your mind and body is constantly working to ensure your survival. The problem is most people see the alarm as the problems and try to shut them down.

This is why individuals and couples find themselves in so much trouble.

For example: Arguments: The arguments are the signal (alarm) that something has to change, we can work together to stop the arguments, but the real issue that created the alarm will still be there.

This is why couples end up going round in circles.

Whatever your presenting problem, or alarm you can be 99% sure that that is not the real problem.

Example: I remember being told about advice a counsellor gave to one of my clients. The husband had complained about his wife dramatically over reacting and arguing with him. So the diagnosis was she had anger management issues, his wife believed the diagnosis and became depressed because she had to suppress her true feelings. [Read more...]

How Many Sessions Will I Need To Have?

This is one of the most frequent questions I get asked, this is where the concern in the mind of the individual is usually a concern of time or money.

Both of which are valuable to us all…

The usual amount of sessions to get desired results is between 4 – 12 sessions. I been know to sort a problem in one session, but because the clients is not confident with the speed of their change they carry on coming. I see a lot of clients quickly because I know people have busy lives and months of weekly sessions is not ideal, especially when your relationship is on the line.

If I do see clients for longer this is because their crisis problems are sorted and what they want is help with planning their future.
99% of my clients make the necessary changes within 4-12 sessions that time, there are some clients which go slightly over… [Read more...]

Are You Stuck In Your Old Story?

A young lady came to me this week stuck in her past, she had become depressed because she couldn’t get over how she had been treated by her ex. He had left her for another woman and with no money. Her ex was still with the same woman 2.5 years later and was living a wonderful life and now planning a family.

Meanwhile she was stuck depressed and full of resentment for how he treated her, she wanted to forget him, but felt that she couldn’t.

She was so traumatised by what had happened she had stayed stuck for 2.5 years. Fed up of life always feeling so bad she called me. [Read more...]

Is Stress Affecting Your Relationship & Life?

Anyone suffering from stress will be affecting not only their relationship, but all parts of their life.

When we feel over loaded, or over whelmed we have feelings of stress and it is very damaging to our bodies, to those we love and every aspect of our lives.

Relationships themselves can cause stress, as couples can live together with a range of experiences from not feeling enough, to something is wrong, from not getting what they need to a loss of love. Stress can have explosive results due to obvious situations in relationships such as affairs and gross loss of trust.

High pressure jobs can affect your stress levels especially the high risk ones here is a few…

  • Recruitment Consultants
  • Lawyers/Solicitors
  • Teachers
  • Health Care workers
  • Bankers and city traders
  • Head Chefs
  • IT Helpdesk Providers

Other top stress drivers

  • Death of a spouse
  • Divorce
  • Marriage
  • Pregnancy
  • Buying a house
  • Christmas

Of course many of these factors can be having an impact on one person all at once and overload can start to take hold.

At this point chemicals are released into the persons body and will create the physical symptoms of stress and so idividuals will use coping mechanisms to rebalance how they feel.

Physical symptoms of stress

  • Over-eating
  • Excessive drinking of alcohol
  • Loss of appetite or anorexia
  • Smoking more
  • Irritability with other people
  • Substance Abuse
  • You can’t make decisions, large or small.
  • Lack of concentration
  • Increased and suppressed anger
  • Loss of your sense of humor
  • Paranoia
  • Feeling out of control
  • Excessive emotion & crying at small irritations
  • Permanently tired even after sleep – (another very common symptom of stress)
  • Decreased sex drive / libido

To stop the build up of unwanted chemicals, exercise is critical, but more than that by understanding the meanings we are giving to these situations and controlling our thoughts will have a significant impact on when these chemical are released.

100 people will have 100 different reactions to the same situation, so it’s not the situation that is causing the problem it’s the meanings we give them.

Our meanings are created from our experience of our world so far, if you can change the meanings that you create you will change your reaction to potentially stressful events.

Left untreated stress can have significant impact on physical health and can lead to depression and anxiety.

  • If you would like help with Stress please get in contact today.

Depression: Relationship Problems

Depression is affecting my relationship: Which came first the chicken or the egg. Relationships problems can cause depression, or relationship problems can be a result of depression.

Having a depression in a relationship can put significant strain on any couple.

So getting help to deal with it is critical: There are many forms of help, but my favorite is to work with the individual and help them understand what they are doing to make depression a possibility.

Plus I help them understand if they are caught in a cycle where they are choosing depression without knowing. This can happen because they are getting something they believe they are missing from their lives, E.G. Attention: Depression can in some cases help them to get significance in the form of sympathy, caring and love which they don’t get when they are well.

How do people do depression?

Sounds like a strange question I know, but the reality is many people suffering from depression are creating behaviours that if those that were not depressed did every day, they would become depressed too.

For example: If anyone practiced all three of these activities they too would become depressed.

  • If you focused on all the problems in your life.
  • If you spoke to yourself in a non caring way. I.E. “I am a awful mother” or “I’m a rubbish husband”.
  • If you spoke slowly, head down, shoulder hunched, arms folded.

If anyone did that for week-after-week they would become depressed too.

Of course depression and the causes can be very complicated, because there are many reason why life might not be the way it should be for the individual suffering. Plus we are chemical beings and so our chemical make up also comes into play.

The bottom line is the more you can do to help yourself through understanding how you work and how the meanings you are giving to your life is creating how you feel. The better armed you are to put depression in reverse.

If you would like more information on how I can help please contact me NOW!.

A Moment In Time Causes Destruction

I have many clients come to me with what seems like very confusing problems. They seem to have it all, yet they also seem hell bent on destroying their lives and marriages, but they tell me they no longer want to life to be this way, but still carry on.

To them what they are doing seems normal, but to the outside world everyone can see the pain they are causing themselves and those they say they love.

Maybe you or your partner are experiencing this very thing.

There is of course many reasons why this can happen, but the over riding reason is because the individual does not feel safe and is running a pattern that they have learnt that will give them security again.

This is why victims of abuse struggle so much in later years. Every time they feel unsafe they run the patterns that were designed to cope with a moment in time.

The problem is that very often the pattern they run is out dated.

What’s critical to know is what you or your partner is attempting to get to. It could be love or security.

But they could be trying to get to it through anger, depression, running away, or a contradiction of other core values such as respect or honesty.

All these are responses to a fear that feels very real to them.

A decision about what patterns we use to live our lives usually happen naturally, but when situations are perceived as threatening in some way, it’s this high level of emotion that creates a need to feel safe again fast.

A pattern will be created at this point to cope and be brought into play whenever life creates a situation that feels similar.

In reality what this means is an adult can behave like a child when they don’t feel safe as they run an old pattern to get back to safety or love.
The problem is this old outdated pattern will not work no matter how many times they run the pattern. But because they were not consciously aware they created this pattern, they feel that what they are doing is normal so they relentlessly run the pattern over and over again, slowly destroying everything including themselves.

They can become depressed, angry, guilty, blame others, run away, overly control and behave in many more destructive ways..

Is this happening to you, do others keep telling you to stop what you are doing, but to you it feels normal?

Why Is Change So Hard?

If you look at yourself, family, friends and at nature what you will discover is millions of patterns of life doing the same things every day thoughout the year. We and the world revolve around these patterns.

  • Our survival is based on patterns, as we constantly look for all that is familiar so we feel safe.

These patterns are associated with survival deep within us as the world we live in continues to grow millions of years later with patterns strong enough for life to grow and evolve into the world we know today.

When we react to the world we automatically create patterns that to us equal survival for us as individuals, we do this without knowing, but some of these patterns may not be good for us, but they some how become part of our make-up.

  • Drinking, drugs, overeating, lying, cheating, anger, depression this list is endless…

I will use the pattern of anger as an example, someone who is brought up in a angry home will see this as the automatic pattern to run if they experience something they don’t like.

Anger becomes their pattern.

When someone discovers that anger is actually destroying their lives, giving it up is really hard. The mind is reluctant to let go of this pattern because it has enough proof so far that the pattern of anger has contributed to their survival so far.

Of course this is an illusion, but the mind will protest the more they try to get out of the old pattern and into the new one.

It is worried that if they practice the new pattern for long enough it will stick and become the new pattern and then you might die.

  • That’s right… If your mind thinks that you will die if you change, can you now see why change is so hard.

This is why through coaching we have to help the mind understand that change is safe and easy, this is why coaching accelerates whatever it is the client wants to change through accelerated learning.

  • The result is that change is easy, it’s just the knowing when it’s safe to change, is what takes the time.

Self Control Or Out Of Control

Are you out of control? Is the world responsible for not giving you the life you think you deserve? Clients come to me with a massive range of personal and relationship problems. One of the questions I ask is how do they create their own feelings.

So if a client has anger, or depression, or a fear, the question is…/h3>

  • How do they do depression?
  • How do they create anger?
  • What has to happen for fear to be possible?
  • What has to happen within them for those states to be possible?

Are you in control of your life or do you live constantly in reaction out of control?

Many people feel that situations create their feelings or someone else makes them feel a certain way, if this were a fact then if 100 people were subjected to the same situation they would all feel exactly the same way. Of course this is not possible because 100 people would experience something totally different no matter what was presented to them.

So this means that all individuals create totally unique experiences, and so their feelings and emotional responses are created by them, and not by the external event.

So when someone is shouting at you “YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY” you know that it is their interpretation of what you have done that has created a version of them that is angry at you. You did not create the anger within them, they did.

  • Do you really believe that you are so out of control that someone else has the power to control you? Or is the real truth that you are allowing them to control you? Because that’s a big difference.

Whilst people are in these poor states, if you tell them that they are responsible for how they feel it usually results in a negative response. However once they see this to be true then they start to see that if they are creating their emotions and responses then maybe there is a possibility that they can control them.

This then sets them free from all of their suffering as they start to practice the reverse of what has been making them feel so bad.

Invisible Relationship Problems

Is your partner saying they want your relationship to work, and yet their behaviours suggest the reverse. Now you find yourself on red alert, constantly ready for trouble.

If this is happening to you, your natural response will be to mistrust your partners intentions, and react as if they are trying to hurt you on purpose.

As difficult as this may sound your partner maybe be stuck and in need of your help. Helping someone who seems to be choosing to hurt you, goes against everything you have been taught.

The rules for creating successful relationships are not the same as how we deal with people in the rest of our lives.

For example if someone does something wrong we punish them so they won’t do it again and that is the pattern we have all been taught that gets results… but does it?

In relationships punishment never works. That’s because you are making an assumption that you know what your partner is thinking and you understand why they are behaving in a way that hurts you.

Very often people that are down, depressed, or fearful have no idea why they are reacting or behaving the way they are. So if they don’t know what’s going on with them then you have no chance of understanding them either, so making them wrong or judging them is totally unfair and will get you nowhere.

Just because you can’t see a broken limb or an open wound it does not mean they are not suffering and are as confused as you are with them. So when they are placed under pressure either real or created by themselves, they will react or complain seemingly unreasonably.

Just like the person with a broken limb would complain.

It is very likely that if two people are reacting negatively to each other and have been for sometime then the chance is they are both to a greater or lesser degree in the same distorted place both stuck on red alert looking for problems.

  • If this is where you are, one of you has to get sane first and help your partner get back to the true version of them.

Punishment never works so understand that your partner is complaining, because they are in pain. Rather than punishing them and making things worse, help them with the love you say you have for them.

What Is Your Life Purpose?

What were you designed to be and do? If life is not the way it should be how are you going to feel. How is your relationship going to suffer if you don’t feel right.

If something does not feel right, then you can be sure that something is not right. As we go through our lives from childhood what happens is we create a purpose for our lives during that time. So our purpose at different moments in time could be to

  • Have fun
  • Protect yourself
  • Set yourself free
  • Find adventure
  • Discover you
  • Control everything
  • The list is endless…

Everyone creates these life purposes without conscious awareness and it’s the life conditions that will create the need to change or shift our purpose.

Depending on how your life conditions change your purpose will shift to adapt, but you can find that you are not meeting your core values. If this happens, whilst you might be meeting your needs your values are being ignored and this creates a very unhappy and distorted version of you.

So we can look back and say that times in our life were not good for us. This is a reflection of needs being met, but values being ignored.

Is this where you are today? If you are unhappy with you or your life you can bet that your relationship is suffering.

  • To live a happy life that is always a win-win situation for you, you must understand how you work. So when life conditions change you no longer live in reaction limiting your true self and creating internal conflict… …that can lead to stress, depression, anger, anxiety!

If you would like help with this contact me today!

Life Doesn’t Have To Be This Way!

Whatever is affecting your life today, from economic challenges, to relationship problems, from feelings of self-doubt to depression.

If your life is not the way it should be for you then why not? What is wrong for you, what has to change for you to be happy?

A lot of people get stuck in despair, or learnt helplessness that their lives are impossible to change and how it is today is how it will always be, or if they image the next ten years being like the last ten they hold their head in their hands in despair.

What the “Experts” say!

Many experts will tell us that change takes along time, what they neglect to tell you is that it’s the deciding to change is what takes the time, the changes itself can happen in a moment.

  • Maybe this is where you are, are you still deciding to change?

Do you fear change?

Maybe you know you need to make some changes in your life, but you have no idea where to start, or even if it’s possible.

Maybe you are fearful to move towards any changes in your life because what if it doesn’t work, or maybe you are fearful that it will work?

When are you going to hold yourself to a higher standard?

Whatever is stopping from getting the life you want can be changed, but you have to want it enough. You have to want to live your life to a higher standard, you have to want to have the best of life for you, you have to want a life full of passion and adventure.

When are you going to hold yourself to that higher standard? When are you going to say “ENOUGH! I have to commit myself today to the only life I have…RIGHT NOW!

Do not fear how you are going to get this new life or new you, just know that you want it with all your heart and trust your mind to know where to go to get the help or the information to help you.

You are on a journey called life, and so you are in charge! So what do you want your journey to be like and where do you want to go, and most importantly how will you know when you get there?

  • The biggest regret you will have is not being brave enough!

How To Control Your Emotions

Do you ever feel out of control of your emotions or feelings? Would you like to know what you have to do to get them, and how to change them.

Would it be better for you if happiness now becomes a choice, would that be a good thing for you to have in your life?

Our emotions are governed by three things that we do.

1. Your focus, or where your mind takes you, or what you think about.
2. You physiology how you stand, sit, walk.
3. How you talk to yourself

So when you look at that list what would a depressed person have to practice every day to become depressed.

How to be depressed

They would focus on all that’s bad in their life, they would have their head looking at the floor, maybe head in their hands, moving slowly, tense shoulders, frowning.

At the same time they would be talking to themselves in a way that hurts them (self abuse), they might say things in an aggressive voice such as “you’re useless, you’re never going to be good enough, you’re fat and ugly”… etc.

They will practice all these three things many times a day until they become really good at them. A person who does this is guaranteed to create what we call depression.

Being aware that you can do this means that you’ll also be able to stop it.

If everyday you focus on all that’s great in your life, or what you can be grateful for, then your focus has started to change. What you will notice is you can’t focus on happy thoughts at the same time as unhappy ones. So if I were you I’d choose happy thoughts, they’re are a much better choice.

Now get active run, dance, walk, do gardening, paint a room, anything, but get your body moving. Your movement will help to release feel good chemicals that also combat depression.

The next is great fun and when you next talk to yourself in an abusive way, change the voice you have been using. If you have ever inhaled helium from a balloon, then you know how ridiculous you sound. Use that voice from now on if you get abusive at yourself, or find a voice that you think is silly, or makes you laugh.

  • Try it now! Say what you normally say to abuse yourself in that new silly voice and what do you notice about how you feel. You may laugh, or want to move away from that voice, either way you have changed that destructive pattern.

If you practice these 3 things then your mood will dramatically change. To start with you it will be an effort because you are so used to things happening to you as you live in reaction to the world out of control of you.

But if you drive a car then learning to do that was once a real effort, that now you don’t even think about, just like this will be, all you have to do is practice, practice, practice.

Stephen Hedger the life & relationship coach on this website offers individuals help where depression and anxiety affects their quality of life. If you would like help please click here

Stressed, depressed, anxious, unhappy for no reason?

Many people I see in relationship coaching sessions suffer from an inner conflict of some kind where no matter what they choose they are unhappy. This can bring on feelings of being depressed, stressed, anxious or unhappy either for what they think is the reason, or for no reason at all.

They go round-and-round in circles with their own thoughts, never really knowing what seems right. They know something is wrong, but they can never put their finger on what is really causing their pain.

The most usual route to success with this kind of problem is…

Step one

…is to understand if there is a gap between how they think their life should be compared to their perception of their own reality. A difference here will give anyone a feeling that they are not living the life they were born to live, yet their might be really good reason why they have not got what they want, but they either can’t accept it, or their map of how life should be is out of date.

Step two

…to understand how the different personalities within themselves have created the life they have today. They are usually are living in a fear state were they are ready for problems to hit them all of the time and this version of them is usually exhausted, so they feel down, or depressed, stress, anxious or all four.

Step three

…to understand their critical needs, values and rules for life. What we usually discover is that without knowing they have set these up so they can never win and so they always go round-and-round in circles, looking for answers that never appear. They look for what they think the problem is and so they either blame it, or remove it and this could be their relationship,

Step four

…is to realign all these parts of them so they are working together and then to build strength and confidence within the individual so they are able to create resourceful states at will, so they are always in control.

Taking these four steps whilst getting leverage so a change become easier for the individual makes a massive impact on how the individuals now sees the world.

They can see why they have gotten to where they are today and what is hurting them. This detailed information helps them choose a better way to live and still creates the happiness they were always after.

Does this sound like something you are suffering with, maybe your partner is unhappy, but they don’t know why, or perhaps you have a friend or family member who suffers from depression or stress and can’t seem to break that pattern

  • If so I can help please get in touch today click here

Relationship Patterns of Behaviour

Are you aware of your relationship patterns of behaviour? Have you noticed that we all have all setup patterns in our lives without knowing?

For example

  • Which shoe do you always put on first, left one or the right one?
  • When you brush your teeth, where do you always start, left or right, top or bottom?

These are just two simple patterns that you will always do. You set them up without knowing and for years you run this pattern without thinking or knowing. You have actually set-up thousands of patterns in response to your world and your perception of it.

Do you know someone that is always angry, or always depressed, or always stressed? What pattern are they running?

When you put pressure on these people what comes out is the pattern that they have put into themselves, these people have a pattern of learnt helplessness, because they feel that it is out of their control. No one has told them what they are feeling can be changed all they have to do is change their focus.

They feel that the world, something or someone is controlling how they feel. A depressed person will look for everything that’s wrong in their life and this is their focus, it’s this pattern that keeps their depression alive.

If anyone spent hours looking for everything that’s wrong with their  life, if they spoke slowly in a monotone voice, head down looking at the floor, physically moving slowly whilst running a movie in their mind of how awful their life is and with a belief that life will always be this way, wouldn’t ANYONE be depressed?

Life events don’t cause us to have feeling of depression, it’s the meanings we give to these life events. If we believe that there is only one way to experience that event then we’ll feel helpless. Of course there is hundreds of ways to experience any situation.

Angry people, stress people, sad people, they all run patterns to keep them in this place.

What patterns are you running in your relationship? Tomorrow I will expand on this topic so you will start to understand what might be going on in your relationship.